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7 entries this month
 

A Black Wizard Memo

19:55 Dec 11 2021
Times Read: 39


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A Black Wizards Moral Conflict

So I am riddled with conflict at this point. I am a firm believer in allowing life to try to thrive, yet I am also a believer if a woman gets pregnant and for whatever reason gets an abortion or sets up adoptions it's fine either way. So with this said I'll start from the beginning.

I worked in a gas station a few years back and this other attendant who worked with me took a liking to me and I began her on her path to being a witch. I warned her about obsession spells and love spells and the precautions to take when doing these things. (If you do them that's your business). I gave her my experiences yet she didn't listen and was newly about to be divorced. She had been sleeping around (Once again if no one gets hurt in the process is fine). Yet, she began casting obsession spells out of vengeance and just flat out wanting attention. I already saw the warning signs and yet again I tried telling her but she claimed she knew what she was doing. I refused to guide her in her quest and let her figure it out on her own.

She tried to get a guy she was sexually obsessed over to obsess over her. Which they did sleep together which increased her obsession yet not his. She kept on and kept on and you can tell this was leading to troubles. Yet, still wouldn't listen to my advice. So a month after this consistency she finally started dating this one guy. He's really nice, the type of guy who really does try to do everything in a relationship to keep it going. Changes anything and everything about himself to please her. He quit drinking for this woman and quit his job to get a better one to help her support her other 3 children.

So when they started dating (and still are) I began to see the type of person she is. I mean The light really did show who she was. Valantines day came around and they had gotten into a fight, she came over and I got her some flowers and pizza(cause what are friends for?) I chose to hang out with her. My husband gotten me a Chandra Planeswalker card and the spell book to complete it and she constantly complained about how her boyfriend just wanted to do the normal things and go out to eat and shopping and constantly went on and on about how she got spoiled by her ex husband. "I'm a princess and on valntines day is my day to get spoiled" despite all of her complaining I offered my best to be there no matter how dumb her bitching was. Even complaining about how obsessive he was over her. (How ironic right?!?)

Last minuet she got the idea to cheat on her boyfriend with the guy she was obsessed with. And I found out later she was using me to make her boyfriend jelouse. So a few months go by and you see where this is leading she gets pregnant and durgin the time they had broken up and then got back together he knew she was pregnant and didn't know she cheated on him. until oneday she dropped the bomb shell on him and screaming at him that the baby wasn't his. Now this man had always wanted a child of his own. So I can imagine the heart break. I began to see who she was and what she was willing to do to get what she wanted.

So a lot of drama went on, I still tried to be supportive but I began to stop once I saw how she treated him and how she talked to him on a regular basis. Eventually due to different events I chose not to talk to her anymore and had my husband fdop my dirty work and talk to her for me and off she went. Finally we spoke and we became friends again I guess, but as soon as we began speaking I realized why I did what I did.

So now we get to the point of my views, she just had the baby, and is asking for my help in healing spells to help the baby. But, honestly, I understand that this is her boyfriends first baby, I feel like if I did a succefull healing spell she'll keep him chained to her forever. I think he's a decent guy really and shouldn't feel like he's forced to be with that harpy for the rest of his life though it's his choice.

Also when I offered my help and advice countless... COUNTLESS times she's always blew it off or dissrespected me and not give me full attention on important topics. The women doesn't even keep an eye on her children and one Yule one of her kids almost fell into a cauldron of fire hadn't it been one of my guest there being out side the story would of ended badly. I feel like it's my duty to do nothing and let fate decided for the child.

There are children who refuse to grow up and act like their parents (I am expamle of this) Yet, all of her children act like self entitled ass holes. Just like there mom. I dunno, I won't feel guilty if the child dies, what I do feel bad for is the boyfriend having to endure his first child dying. And as cold as this sounds would do the mom justice because of how she spoke about the baby saying how she wanted to throw her self down the staires and kill the child. This was just the tip of the ice burger instead of getting an abortion she would dumbly throw herself in harm.

I don't know, if I do help and the child becomes another one who is self entitled person running around in the world, and the boy friend feels like he's trapped in a relationship with a child that may or may not be his. He still wants to care for the child even if it's not, kudos to him. I don't know this prediciment is tough, I feel like it's best if I just stay out of this one and not do my casting as she's asked me to do. This situation makes me really uncomfortable, and I really hate conflicts. SOmetimes I guess it's best to do nothing and watch everything just unfold. If any of you are wondering I stay "friends" with her for the boyfriend he's a nice guy and I feel like he's need more support than her if they were to split up. I enjoy his company and he's really nice the world needs more people like him and I see him committing suicide with what ever out come happens. I hate being this blunt but that's how I see it. I also see my "friend' doing the same thing down the road after her children are grown yet she still has the ex husband to look after them.

I feel like at the end of the relationship someone will commit to the thought, I'd rather save the person who would do the most good in this world than the one who aims to destroy it. Wow, this is a depressing post.

Darkness Guide you.

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A Black Wizard Memo

01:12 Dec 11 2021
Times Read: 45


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A Black wizard's Memory

Things have been busy the last couple of days I'll admit. I finally cracked down on my schooling and have been writing papers like crazy. I got a 100% in my Hoodooism class and earned merit for gaining a 100% on my final exam that was the highlight of my day. I Got a 95% in my Shielding class and almost cried because I'm one credit away from getting my level 3 title of the black wizard. I often tell myself I won't sign up for more classes yet, I can help myself but to sign up for a few more. It's a weakness of wanting to learn that keeps me in this constant loop. I found an interesting class on the common pests that we may all encounter but don't see and preparations for the black wizard on the path ahead which requires us to look at ourselves and our day-to-day diets. In which honestly I already know I need which is odd because I don't eat that much until dinner hits. I hate breakfast foods and usually just drink coffee throughout the day until it's time to cook dinner. Not the best habit I know. I really should look into my nutrition and start excorsisng again. It wasn't until I got pregnant the second time I slacked off.

I still need to finish my paper on creating an Atheme which my husband and I totally did with his makeshift forge. It was a fun experience. To see a blacksmith at work and the amazing blades he makes. He also does designs in them with acid etching which is really cool and the type of acid he uses looks like mountain dew. I finished my last spell on how low magick works which I'll post shortly. One of the papers, I wrote in my vampirism class earned me 100% and it's thanks to the few people I chatted with that I earned this. The assignment was to write why I would like to be sanguine and why I wouldn't be. I kept it to real-life perspectives which I really don't think anyone in the class had done before and found it interesting of the way I wrote the paper.

I've been writing papers like no one business, but I cant still feel like something is off. Lately, I've been feeling drained as if I've been crying all day. Yet, the thing is I hardly ever go anywhere so I haven't had contact with anyone who can do these things. I constantly cleanse myself and my altar just about daily. So, it can't be spirits I invite into my home. Maybe it's more physical than metaphysical. I dunno I'll just have to do more self-evaluations to figure this one out. Last time it was because in my shielding I didn't do cleansing regularly and that shit lingers after a while. Maybe it's my train of thought. I know after I reached level 30 in the game of life I was doing some recon. You can't look at your life when you're level 10 because you're still growing as a child. Same for when you're level 20. No Level 30 is different especially with self-reflection, those are the true level of 20-30 you can really look at yourself and assess the type of person you are and how you've grown and where at least 1/2 of your life went and in wanting to improve.

Not saying this is a life crisis I'm very happy with life, probably the happiest I've ever been with the people I'm surrounded by. Just things feel off, maybe it is me sitting and thinking about all the things in life, the misfortunes, situations I put myself and agreeing with other partners to do things I wasn't so comfortable with. Yet, dwelling on it and experiencing it also helped shape the person I've become today and I think I'm pretty fucking awesome. Well, that's all I have today. Darkness Guide you.

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A Black Wizard Memo

23:16 Dec 06 2021
Times Read: 68


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A Black Wizard's Memo:
So, here we are. I've kept my mouth shut for the past couple of days after my husband's hurtful words. I'm not here to make him look like a monster here are the facts: He's an alcoholic and fully understands this as do I. He does not hit me or get violent he's really a happy drunk the majority of the time. The only time he's ever been hurtful is when he's had that one too much and his mind goes to a dark place. He doesn't disrespect me or the children in any way really and the dynamics of our relationship are really one of the best ones I've had. He never asks me to change who I am, which I've had in the past to a full-blown name change and my child's. He's never asked me to do anything unorthodox the only change I've made for him was to quit smoking pot which did affect our lives daily. He's always made sure my and the children's needs are met before his own. So, with all this said, today he noticed my silence for the past couple of days. Not, that I wouldn't engage in conversation but just the fact I was quiet was enough for him and today he did ask what was wrong.
I knew nothing he said could take back his words, and I knew nothing would be changed, I really don't care if he drinks in my opinion I feel like he deserves it from working 5 days a week living heavy metals all day. If I can stay at home all day watch/teach the children and get my house clean while I do my own schooling, you'll get no completing from me. I'm a very simple woman who enjoys the small things in life. I really tried to let it go because I as I said nothing I can do to change the situation. But, he took my hand and asked me what happened. Of course, he didn't remember. But, he did apologize at the end of our conversation. He assured me that even though nothing could have been changed I still needed to state my problems instead of bottling them up. This is something I'm well known for and end up exploding 3 weeks down the road. He is right in that. We very rarely have arguments and if we disagree on something it turns into a debate really. I'm thankful for this, I am thankful for him as well and how he can read me so easily. He doesn't use it to his advantage and tries to help as the team we are meant to be.
Aside from that, I've turned in one of my final exams today and I think my mind is now free to write more papers. These past two weeks have been quite a doozy and I think I'm finally clear-headed enough to write that last spell for study in my understanding low magicks class which I will post here and work on making my Atheme for another class then my final. I'm going to try to get all of this done before Sunday because that seems to be the day they all grade their papers. I would like to start the new year as a level three wizard, after that goal is met and after the holidays I'm thinking about getting my life in order and more organized. With the new year coming in it seems appropriate. I want to finish all of this delicious holiday food before I commit to my healthy one. I did it years ago and I lost close to 100lbs in a year, after I had my second child and moved to the city I seemed less motivated to do this stuff though I don't understand why I actually enjoy doing physical labor like yard work. Maybe since the plants are dying off it'll also be the perfect time to get the yard set up for a garden. The soil here is black so it's perfect for growing the crops I want alongside the herbs I want as well.

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A Black Wizard Memo

00:16 Dec 06 2021
Times Read: 88


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A black Wizard Memo... It started with one margarita, yes this is how I start tonight's journal, slightly intoxicated which doesn't happen often. But anyway it starts with one good margarita or one good drink with liquor in it and I want to indulge. I drink one every day but today was different I went to lunch with my mom and surprisingly without my brother. Yet, tonight's entry is about what happened last night where my husband reached where I was out. Nothing like a drunken man's honesty I always say. They either tell tales or complete drunken truths. To be honest I take these moments and look at our relationship and see where I can work on cause these are things he won't tell me sober. I'll admit I don't like it when he talks about past ex's cause I was always told not to, yet he often doesn't seem fair, he often tells me about the things that bothered him on our first 1-2 years which I'll both admit was rather rocky, but what really got me was a story he was telling me was how I had hurt him because I had not attended one of his family rituals of not going to his fathers grave because he and I had an argument. Which I honestly couldn't remember, and I could help but feel insulted when he told me that if it weren't for the child we had together he was thinking about leaving me. Now, first of all, let's look at the women who he's dated/married before me. Complete trash, cheating, constant mistreatment of the children, and lack of attention to him and his existence. I honestly admit dear reader this is probably the most hurtful thing I've ever heard. I refused to spend time with him due to an argument (by him). I feel like we're all subject time to ourselves when we have that argument with our significant other. Yet, to the fact, I did not attend their family ritual because I simply didn't feel like it was appalling. I sat there and listened cause there's one thing I've learned is never argue with a drunken mad and spare it for the morning. I couldn't believe this our relationship was spared because of our child. That cannot be true. Honestly, I've never cheated on this man and have given him my all completely heart and soul, never lied and I hold my tongue with his family often and through the hell he has put me through with his friends and family this was the turning point for him. Out of all the horrible stories I've heard about his ex's and how he's picked one up from a man's house that she cheated on him with THIS IS THE FUCKING TURNING POINT! I cannot even begin to tell you the heartbreak I felt. I felt small and insignificant. All of the hard work I have put into our relationship, the things I've had to hear and endure, he says me not attending this family get-together could have ended the relationship had I not been pregnant and how the fact I didn't go still hurts his feelings. This is the man I'm supposed to marry, my first and last. I've heard of him telling other people at parties about how he wrote love letters to them (while drunk), I've heard him say other and awful things and I grit and bear it because of his drunkenness, but this, seriously because I can think of things that tested our relationship but never mentioned it because I always knew we would get over it together. Though the past is the past, I'm stuck here with the sting in my heart I know it'll pass but it's the things that make you think.

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A Black Wizard Memo

23:38 Dec 03 2021
Times Read: 103


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A Black Wizard's Memo So, last night I made a birthday candle for myself. I took a quick search online and found all of the correspondences for the Sagittarius herbs, colors, oils, etc, etc. My candle ended up being purple and once I pull it out of its mold, still warm and kinda sticky I rolled it around in my herb. I put the oils in with the wax mixture so it would give the smell as it burnt. It was a nice touch if I do say so myself. This candle actually turned out perfect if I do say so myself no bubbles a nice stable pillar candle even the wick stayed straight. I burnt the candle, and here's where it was odd or magickal or surprising take your pick. I light this candle on my ancestral altar it's fair they be present while I make my wish after all it's because of them I am here. I had two shot glasses full of the spirits I was drinking along with a slice of cake mom had made. When the kids went to bed I had this nice candle burning. It was in a small pool of wax, yet the flame refused to grow or go out. The more I looked at it you could see some kind of smoke rising from my silver water bowl. Now granted I did burn an incenses but that smoke was going up not down and nowhere near this bowl which is a portal for my ancestors to pass through. My candle wouldn't go out it was rather odd it should either go out because there isn't anything to burn or continuously melt the wax so it can burn brighter after the wax pours over. which didn't happen. No, it was waiting for me ... Oddly enough to make a wish... I walked up to it and focused on my wish and blew out the candle. Today I made a sash from the leftover herbs and pinched off the wick that I made my wish on and tucked it to wear for the year. I wished for happiness in all forms. So today I went to the park with the kids as I always do. When I'm there I often wish for someone to talk to or hang out with. Since I have a huge social anxiety problem I never saw this happening. But today was different. I put my sash on and went out the door. There I met with an old co-worker and we got along great. Things happen and people move and separate. But I absolutely love her energy and her like-mindedness. Maybe I did get my wish. Everything seemed to be interconnected as we spoke of the times we went there and how her husband started a job nearby. How I love when things come together sometimes.

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A Black Wizard Memo

14:49 Dec 02 2021
Times Read: 124


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Well, today I personally hit level 30 in this game of life. I think it's been a good run so far and I've learned a lot of lessons along the way and continue to do so. Ones about people, friendship (better to have none), family, children, and all forms of love. I'm no expert, but life has been a fulfilling one. Though I wish I could make my egg rolls and pass them out. Some weird tradition I made when I couldn't go to a Chinese due to funds. Didn't have money to go out and eat it, so I used food stamps and made my own. I can't make them cause of this damn cold and I don't want to risk other people getting sick. The husband makes wonderful ramen so it just may be a dinner thing tonight. I can't wait to do the birthday tarot reading tonight and see what next year holds for me. So far it's been accurate. Tonight might be a good night to find a good birthday spell as well. Kinda like a birthday wish into what I want to bring into my life next year. hmmm maybe, I need to put my books to the side and figure something out. Maybe a prosperous year? That would be nice. A financial stability spell. Don't like protection spells too much because I don't really do high-risk stuff that causes me to be in any danger. I wish I could find a child behavior spell. XD Truly something to ponder on as I go throughout my day. I mean a happiness spell wouldn't do too much because I'm happy with my life and who I am around. Mainly because my husband always tells me he wishes for the happiness of myself and our children. He is such a sweet man, so wise too in the ways of bringing things to my attention that I would have never caught. How he speaks to me and how he solves problems. Our relationship is perfect to me. I honestly wish everyone had this type of love. Were people complement each other nicely through all of their endeavors. At night when the children are asleep, we spend the night watching music videos and random ones on youtube, and something hit us really hard last night. We love the song Say Something but we never watched the original video. It's usually the cover by Platonix but we watched the original one for the first time and what had us sobbing was the part in the video where the old man was next to his wife in a hospital bed. She had passed away and he climbed into the bed with her. It hit so close to home. In Corvus Land, a place where I expect people to act as they should and everyone is nice and friendly to each other, I'd envision us dying next to each other in our sleep. If I would have it my way. But, the fact that it won't likely hit me hard. It wasn't something I thought about in the process of grieving. I also have had thoughts of him passing and how I would deal with it. It's not something I think about all the time but when it hit I think on it pretty hard in sort of preparations. Which is something I encourage a lot of people to do. Not to make oneself depressed but to know how to deal with such an event. It hits me hard sometimes because that's my best friend, he's always by my side no matter what. Knowing what to say and what to do. But all I know is that when the time does come, I need to stay strong for the family and the grandkids. That's how I prepare myself. I'd rather live in Corvus Land though and just die together in our sleep but. The probability of that happing is slim to none, yet one can dream. But anyway level 30 today yay me!

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A Black Wizard Memo

23:35 Dec 01 2021
Times Read: 147


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Day 2 of this illness I feel a lot better than yesterday. Isn't funny how old memories can put a smile on our faces. Like 14 years ago I looked at my now-husband, I had never met him and despite saying hello or even a first kind of human greet I looked at him and asked if he believed in past lives. He said yes and we stayed up for the next three nights talking. I was forever in love and I knew somehow we'd be together. He was married and I was with my sperm donor at the time. I've always respected who he was with. We stayed friends and our lovers always seemed to change but we kept respectable distances. I remember when I was thinking about breaking up with the boyfriend I was with he continuously told me to work it out with him. It never did, and during our somewhat single period he looked at me and told me he was an alpha wolf and got what he wanted, I honestly never felt more aroused. But the icing on the cake was during our cat and mousing games where he told me to quit playing with little boys (because the men of my choosing acted like children) and told me to marry him. He called me out on my bull shit which no one ever had. I didn't know what to do. It was a marriage proposal to what I considered my best friend and the person I had been crushing on for almost ten years. I was dumbfounded and the only words I could think to say were okay. So here we are now (we're not married yet but I've always considered him my husband) and we are going to be married soon. This will be my first and last marriage and I couldn't be happier.

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