So, in true fashion, and as per usual, my ex and I got into yet again over something. I can't remember what is was even over at this point. My head has been throbbing for a bit. I basically got into a wreck today with another vehicle. I ended up in a full blown panic attack. I was basically asking for my new boyfriend, Jesse and not my ex.
Why? I was afraid of him. I was afraid of him going off on me for wrecking the car once again. Not only was the panic attack real, but the fear was as well. My blood pressure of course, was elevated more than usual as well. It took about an hour or more for the panic and fear to subside as well. I'm.... Not even sure what really happened after that as well. I'm just so drained and unsure again about things....
Tell me...how the hell, I can go from having a really amazing and awesome day, to it being horrible!? Like...seriously. My ex and I got into it this morning, then work was fine and I actually had fun. I get home and another fight and then find out that someone had planned to come visit me, that is basically in love with me. I basically chose to be with someone else here and no go after a long distance relationship.
I literally can't do a long distance relationship. I'm mentally drained and emotionally drained from other things. My mentality has been shaken a bit and I'm not even sure about other things at times. What I do know is, that the guy I am talking to, he's AMAZING. He actually cares about me and my feelings. I...I actually got my first kiss from him today and I well, LOVED IT. It felt right to be honest.
I know it sounds silly, but, for a change, I'm actually happy again and it feels nice! Honestly, I haven't felt like this in years. Giddy, giggly and just so happy that I finally found someone that actually gets me and understands me as well. Its refreshing and well, just an overall amazing feeling to be honest. I'm literally happy. I've actually started to sing again.
Too much keeps happening though as well. I just don't want nor need another mental breakdown. I can't allow myself to fall prey to something like that.
I've basically come to the conclusion, along with the help of someone else, that the psychological emotional shit, between my ex and I needs to stop. He's got a fucking girlfriend now. Yes, I'm bitter and jealous, but, who wouldn't be? After being together for so long. Ya know what? I'm moving onward with my life. I'm not gonna show him any ounce of emotion anymore. He doesn't deserve it. Nor will I EVER get back with him. Just because, I make the changes now, doesn't mean I want you back down the line. Cause, I honestly don't and pretty much have realized, that the relationship was a huge mistake to begin with. I've always ended up in tears because of him. Every time....It never fails. I don't need that in my life.
So, with that said. I can't wait until I hear back from the places about getting my own place. I need to get out and I need to get out fast as well. Anymore time around him, isn't good. He even thought about cheating on her with me. Yeah, sorry. Not happening. I maybe the mother of your child, but I am no one's side chick. Not a damn chance in hell for that. Just no.
You cheated on me once in the past. You can pull that shit with some other undeserving woman. Nope. Nope. NOPE.
I'm too tired to read all these drama filled journals that I saw while I was anonymously viewing stuff. In other news. I went on an actual date with a coworker. We saw 21 Jump Street.
Yes, that movie is from 2012, but nonetheless, its still pretty damn funny as it stands.
He ..... did end up showing me where is miscarried son was buried....of all places to go on a first date...a cemetery. Those tend to creep me out the most to be honest. I'm not entirely sure if I will be going on another date with him or not.
Right now, I'm not sure.
I actually had insomnia last night as well. My body and mind would not shut down at all. Ugh. I did end up napping, but also, had a migraine today as well. Meh.
Why.... Why do I even do this to myself?? I can be having a rather good day/night, and then suddenly, my depression, fears and anxiety hits. Like now. My thoughts are all over the place. There is fear, jealousy....anger...sadness. Just a whole mess of emotions that run through my head and thoughts. Its one of the reasons why, I wish I had someone over here to talk to. Yes, my son, does tend to take most of my time, but like now? He's just chilling in the livingroom, watching Super Wings, while I try to finish the laundry up. There isn't much to occupy my thoughts lately. Just the usual. Being jealous, that my son's dad has moved on, and I'm trying my hardest to attempt to kill these feelings for him.
I find it hard though. 8 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. I know its not easy, trying to kill feelings, for someone, but , I need to try. At least for my sanity and depression. I need to get over him. There have been a lot of "What ifs", when it comes down to it. We have, talked about getting back together, once I am "better". Example, working on myself and what not. I'm just.....frustrated that I'm still in love with him. There are moments, where I wish I had never met him. I'm just not sure about anything anymore to be honest.
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