I've got a plan to severe this attachment for good. You see? I must face the loneliness once more- embrace it. Love it. Wallow in it. And hopefully my sadness does not consume me.
Third time is the charm?
I know now my want, my inability to have, and agony. And I know not who to call for help. For no one will understand, and everyone will be mad. I've done a terrible thing.
The one person I have been confiding is the the source of my agony. You see? And everyone else was able to see through the source right away. So I kept confiding, but in secret. And now, I feel addicted to our interactions- arguments, and all. And every time I feel ignored- I want to cry.
I want to die.
I've had 4 hours of sleep last night, went to work, and now I am home. Tired, but wide awake. And if I try to go to sleep my mind will race keeping me wide awake for a time that seems endless.
The other shoe has dropped and Holy Mother of Earth, it's a bomb! I'm being played! I'm the naive little girl being strung along by "all the right words." I am the fool. I feel like all the happiness is being sucked out of the air around me- even ripped from my lungs. I feel like I've been literally punched in the gut.
I don't know if I'm jealous or insecure. Or both. Because I don't want to be settled for. I want to be the most beautiful in someone's eyes. Is that too much to ask? To think that I liked him? And he likes other woman. Does he like me still? Has he ever truly liked me? Does it matter now? I can not trust him.
I wish I could throw the entire span of time between Dec. 13th and now into the garbage.
You compliment me so often I am beginning to wonder if it is out of habit or sincere. And you say we can talk about anything, but whenever I disagree with something you get super defensive, say rude irrelevant things, or accuse me of things. And I wonder why you still talk to me if you truly believe some of the things you have said about me;I wonder even after you apologize.
Today, I saw something in a friends eyes that I recognized; something that I personally know and struggle to rid myself of at times. The something in his eyes did not quite go with his smile; I saw behind the mask. I pulled him to the side and asked "Are you sad?"
Turns out, he was sad. He knows how to reach me, so I let him know I was available to talk and I gave him a hug.
Maybe I'm not the best person to talk to or to be offering up hugs and opinions. I'm not self-less, I am very self-centered. I need my friends, alive, well, and happy. I need my friends.
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