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Lamadia79's Journal


Lamadia79's Journal

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PROFILE




13 entries this month
 

20:10 Jan 30 2025
Times Read: 22


Just been thinking about the strange things people say.
I have just been asked if I cook myself ?
My reply was Only if I fall in the oven


COMMENTS

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17:22 Jan 29 2025
Times Read: 48


So far 2025 has not been great for me. Im still very upset and feeling very low but now Im beginning to feel anger which Im told is a good thing as it means Im not crying all the time and blaming myself for everything.
I have decided next week I will be calling in estate agents and looking at putting my house on the market.
I am hoping to move on to Hampshire to be near family and start over. Failing that I will see about moving to Nottingham. Either way I know I can't stay on where I am hoping that the person I gave everything to will come back and sort things out with me.


COMMENTS

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OccultRanger
OccultRanger
18:06 Jan 29 2025

You seem like a survivor to me I'm sure you'll pull through and find someone who can appreciate you.





Lamadia79
Lamadia79
18:28 Jan 29 2025

I have no choice but to try and survive. Its not going to easy but Im sure I will fight my way back





 

01:57 Jan 25 2025
Times Read: 73


My energy is mine my emotions are all mine.
Just because Im in a really bad place and filled with pain and heartbreak does not mean its aloud for me to kicked when Im already down.
You can't hurt me anymore than I already am.
One day my heart and mind will heal
How ever long it takes me but I will find my way back to me again
So I ask that you stop feeding off my pain. I have no idea who you are but Im asking that you stop as Im fighting hard to get back up and I do not want to be pushed back down.
Im Lamadia here at VR and just me outside of here


COMMENTS

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Maria The Memories Of A Ghost Part 6

21:55 Jan 18 2025
Times Read: 109


The sounds of rough sex echoed through the old farmhouse. Maria his a corner of the living room sobbing as she heard James and Charles's animal urges played out to torment her.
She could hear the slapping and grunting and howls of pleasure and the bed creaking and banging. She placed her hands over her ears to block out the sounds and no matter how hard she tried the sounds persisted and drove her near to madness.
She could not handle the obscenity and inherent vileness James tortured her spirit with. As hopeless she felt she endured the sounds by trying to remember her life before her death.
Her mother’s loving face and the sounds of her younger brothers playing outside. She was thinking of her family and if they ever wondered what happened to her. Did they try to find her after James abducted her? How was life for them after she had gone. All questions she could never have an answer too.
Once the sounds stopped and the sunlight broke through the windows she got up and left the house and wandered the grounds of the house. All bedrooms were closed up and blacked up.
She remembered the strange stories about vampires but she never believed something so vile could be real. Knowing now they were most definitely real and her blood spawned it she had to find away to be released from James.
Still inside her she felt that love she once had for him. Remembering his strong arms around her waist his deep kisses and feeling his long soft black hair against her cheek.
So many lies so much betrayal and never ending oblivion that wrapped around her spirit. No love and comfort from a single soul just James's hate and cruelty. She wanted so much to feel any form of comfort as she stood bound to world she just did not understand.
As she walked it felt as if no time at all had passed as the sun was setting in the distance and the house returned to life again. She could hardly bear to return to that house but there was nowhere els for her to go.
She stood and watched as one of those horseless carriages came up to the house. Two strangers emerged and dragged a man from an opening in the back of the carriage. He had a black hood over his head and he struggling as the men dragged him into the house.
She watched the men throw the hooded man into the house and leave. She noticed Thomas grab the man and drag him all the way inside and he kicked the door shut.
Maria didn't want to witness another poor soul being killed but curiosity had gotten the better of her.
She made her way back in and she found a place behind the living room door to hide and observe.
The man lay on the floor shaking and crying. Richard removed the hood and ordered him to sit up. The man complied and his frightened face spoke a thousand words. Maria could see he had been badly beaten and he was weak and in no position to fight a gang of 18th century vampires.
So far only Thomas Richard and Charles were taunting him. James was nowhere to be seen which gave Maria a little relief for the poor man. The man began saying how he would give the money back and if they would let him go he leave the country and they would never hear from him again.
The men just laughed cruelly at him. Like a weak animal he shuffled on his knees to Charles and begged him for mercy. She could see Charles had some sort of empathy with the mans plight.
That changed as Charles coldly told him it was not the money he stole it was his mouth. Because the man had spoken about James and the fact he might be a vampire it had brought a hunter into their affairs and it had caused them to lose two other vampires and had put a supplier in prison.
The man begged and pleaded for his life but Charles just pushed him away. Richard announced that James was furious and he would decide what was going to happen but until then he would have to give them all the information that wanted.
She could see Thomas looking very happy as she knew how violent he was and the enjoyment he got from hurting people. Thomas grabbed the man by his throat and began telling him that he never got tired of hearing a humans neck snap in his hand's.
Thomas dropped him to the floor and kicked him hard in the ribs forcing blood to spray out from his mouth and his cries of pain were enjoyed by these three blood thirsty monsters.
He gave information about an old priest in Londons east end and how he had been keeping an eye on James for years. He gave the location of the money he stole and how these two other vampires were killed by the priest.
Richard seemed quite happy with the answers and began setting up a plan to get the supplier out of prison and said it was best to wait and see what James wanted to do about the priest.
The man began to plead for his life again and Maria hoped they would show some mercy and let him go. Sadly this did not happen as they told the man he would have to confess to James and James is not known for his compassion. They continued to laugh at the man as he screamed for help.
Maria became angry and screamed “let him go” only for James to show up. He could see Maria and with one hand he sent out a blast of power that pinned Maria to a nearby wall and rendered her unable to speak or move.
She knew she was being forced to witness something bad so she tried to close her eyes only to find they were stuck wide open.
James began to walk around the man his footsteps loud and intimidating as he looked down on the frightened man. He looked up at his henchman and angrily asked “did he talk?” Richard began to tell James everything that was said and James grew infuriated at being told a priest had become involved in his business and had been watching him.
James told Richard to start contacting people as he needed the supplier out of prison as he had more work for her. Richard agreed and left the room to start making arrangements.
James looked down on the man and told him to stand up. The man could hardly move from fear so James looked over at Thomas and told him to help him up. Thomas dragged him up and told him “I would hold yourself up if I was you”. The man struggled to stand and cried to James begging his forgiveness as James reached out his hand to him. His long fingers with sharp clear nails reached out and seemed to offer a scrap of kindness.
The man walked up close to James his legs shaking as he looked into his evil eyes. James told the man the money was not the issue and a measly 50grand was a drop in the ocean to his billions. It was loyalty that mattered and something that could not have a price. The man talked too much and thought he was able to double cross him and that could not go unpunished.
The man begged for another chance but James was unmoved and put both his heads around his neck and with great force ripped his head off his shoulders. The headless body fell to the floor and lay there as a giant puddle of blood formed around it.
Thomas stood looking pleased and Charles tried hard to keep his composure. James threw the mans severed head into the fire place and stormed off into the underground room.
Maria felt herself being released from James power and she slid down the wall until she hit the ground. She watched as Charles and Thomas began disposing of the body.
Maria decided to head down into the underground room and confront James this was to prove to be a bad idea as James was still filled with rage.


COMMENTS

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Maria The Memories Of A Ghost Part 5

16:10 Jan 18 2025
Times Read: 115


As James continued up the stairs somewhere in his cold black heart he felt a pain. Maria had always been his love his only true love. The beautiful girl who got into his heart without even trying.
Her heart and mind made him feel things he had always kept at a distance as he was above such feelings. Finally seeing after centuries had stirred up his emotions and brought him back to 1782 and the summer day they met for the first time.
He watched the pretty girl walk through the streets and past the peasant's with her basket of wild flowers.
She made the world around her shine like the sun. Her pale skin and blond locks made her just like a beautiful rose in full bloom. She was unlike all the other stupid whores he was used to. No other woman had caught his attention the way she did.
Her soft voice and sweetness made her vulnerable to his sweet deception. A man such as him could never be brought down by the love of a beautiful maiden. But he knew she had taken his heart and he could never reclaim it back from her. This made him more brutal and vulnerable at the same time.
Even after he used her love and heart to be crowned immortal by hell he was never able to let her go. So he bound her to his world and kept her in a black sleep until she was able to awaken her dark prison and wake up to his 21st century prison.
He had kept a close eye on her family through the centuries waiting for a girl who was a direct descendent to come and he could bring Maria back from the dead and enslave her to him forever.
James could hear her sobbing downstairs and crying out to god to be released from her nightmare and this just made him smile as he walked to his bedroom. He was still filled with the blood of his latest victim and this gave him a passion and an insatiable appetite for flesh.
Charles and James had always shared a very active sex life together. James loved how easy it was to make Charles submit to him. He knew he could have him and do as he pleased but it never really satisfied him. The only body he craved was Maria's.
Now she is nothing more than a spirit this made it very difficult for him. Yet he knew soon that would all be changed and he would gain his long awaited desire. As he opened his bedroom door he was greeted by the sight of Charles sitting on his bed anxiously waiting for him. He looked at his nervous hopeful face and uttered the words “come here to me now”


COMMENTS

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Maria The Memories Of A Ghost Part 4

03:55 Jan 18 2025
Times Read: 124


Maria stood and watched as Thomas and Richard talked about their plans once they left the farmhouse and yet still no sign of James.
They laughed about how Charles always lets killing get the best of him. Richard noted that Charles had always been the same always needing reassurance and something to worry about.
Thomas was dismissive of this analogy and just laughed at how James would give Charles what he needed up in the bedroom later. Hearing this confused Maria at first but then it made perfect sense.
All those sad looks he gave when she first came into James's life. The reason she felt he hated her. He was having a forbidden relationship with James. She often wondered if Charles was a little sweet on James now she knew it was true.
So thats why Charles took part in her death he wanted her out of the way and murder was the best way to see to that.
Maria could feel her anger rising and the power of her anger made a glass fly across the table and smash.
Both men stood up quickly and Maria tried to hide behind the door and calm herself down. Richard had just caught sight of her out of the corner of his eye. He asked Thomas if he saw anything but Thomas said not but he felt something strange and angry in the room.
Richard began to look around as Thomas went on about the amount of people they had killed in the house so it was not to strange to think a spirit or two was lingering in the house.
Richard knew that James was careful about that and always had spells in place to keep out the dead victims.
Richard knew who the spirit was but kept quiet as he always suspected one day Maria would return and James had planned it that way. James had always loved Maria but would never own up to it as love meant you were vulnerable and weak.
James finally came up for the underground room. He was dressed in all in black and Maria could see dried blood around his lips.
Both Richard and Thomas both stood to face him and bowed as stood before them. James looked angry as he looked around the kitchen he shouted out “Charles I want you here now” Charles immediately ran in and bowed as he approached James.
James noticed the broken glass on the floor and demanded it to cleared away. He dropped strange portraits on the table. Maria peered around the door and could see how life like the portraits looked.
James spread four portrait's across the table. Three men one young woman he began telling his devout men he wanted these people delt with before the week was out.
He gave one picture to Thomas and told him to be on something called a flight to a place called Moscow. Maria could not understand any of this as she continued to listen. Thomas looked quite pleased and boasted how he would have fun with the woman in the portrait. James slammed his fist on the table and told Thomas he wanted the woman dead quickly and efficiently and Thomas was not to do his usual of keeping his victim alive for days whilst he tortured them. Swift cold action was needed.
Richard was to go to New York and kill a man in the portrait and return to London immediately after as he had been spending too much time in France and business was suffering and it needed his attention.
Charles was ordered to go to Dublin as two men there needed to be killed. Charles tried to argue as one man was only 17 years old. James's eyes began to turn read and his mouth opened to reveal his fang's. Maria was so frightened by this and she closed her eyes and listened as James shouted “you will do as I tell you” she opened her eyes to see James had grabbed Charles by the back of his neck and was holding him tight and shouting “you know what I will do to you if you dare to disobey me” Charles was in pain and quickly agreed to do as James had asked.
James let him go and kissed him hard on the lips and said “good boy”.
Maria was sickened by that kiss and shouted out “you disgust me all of you” Charles began looking around and asking if anyone els heard that? James glared at Charles and asked “heard what?” Charles looked worried and softly spoke “a woman's voice James” James just coldly said no and announced the morning was coming and how they all needed to rest.
Maria watched as they all retired upstairs'. James was last to mount the stairs and he began to look around and Maria tried to stay out of sight. She wondered as a ghost could James hurt her? She wanted so much to face him but the fear of his anger and evil made her freeze with fear.
She wondered if maybe he would be pleased to her or would he be angry that her spirit still remained.
She heard three bedroom doors close and James remained on the stairs with his arms crossed looking out across the room. Maria stayed silent and she hoped James would leave. She heard a creek on the stairs and carefully looked out to see if he was still there.
As her head came around the door she was startled to be face to face with James. She backed away in a panic and James smiled at her the way he used too. She wanted so badly to slap his face and scream at him for what he had done to her but she couldn't she was lost in his beautiful face and his dark eyes.
James continued to walk towards her and she froze on the spot. He looked into to her eyes deeply and said “well at last you finally appear” I have been waiting such a long time for you to wake up.
Maria could not believe his gaul and she stared into his eyes and asked” why James?” Why did you do this to me? All I ever did was love you how could you do this to me?
James just laughed at her “oh Maria you were always too good to be true” always trying to be sweet and kind and just wanting my love. But you never very clever were you? You just could not see how frustrated I was by your sweetness.
He walked around her as she stood in her tattered clothes clutching the gapping wound where her had once belonged.
“If only you were not so intent on staying pure I might of spared you” you just would not open up your legs and let me take you. You had to get a ring on your finger and force me to take part in the book of lie's.
“So you had to die” and let me reach my true purpose in this world. So really your life amounted to something it gave way to a far greater life for me.
Marias anger took over and the room began to shake. Ornaments fell to the floor and pictures swayed and lights began to flicker.
She looked at him her fists clenched tight “ you destroyed me you bastard “ you betrayed me in the worst way possible. You stole my life from me and now you are holding me prisoner here in your hell house. I will pay you back for what you did to me.
James just smiled and told her there was nothing she could do. His power was far greater than her feeble 18th century mind could ever comprehend. She begged and sobbed for him to release her and let her go to god. James just cruelly snapped that she was his and until he was ready for her.
She didn't understand what he meant but she knew it was something terrible. He walked away from her letting her know she could not hide from him and he would always find her and he would make her suffer if he felt like it.
As he walked up the stairs he turned to mock her by saying “ Charles is waiting in my bed for me” why don't you come up and watch let me show you what you have been missing.


COMMENTS

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Maria The Memories Of A Ghost Part 3

18:25 Jan 17 2025
Times Read: 145


The sudden realisation of why Maria was condemned to walk the earth as a spirit lost in space and time was so cruel to bear. She walked the woods crying out and spiralling out of control. Visions of heart being pierced by force at the sharp point of a dagger and the excruciating pain as it savagely ripped away from her body.
Her death nothing more than a sacrifice for James and his devout gang to take a reward of immortality and devote their unholy lives to evil.
Maria tried to find a way to flee the confines of the woods and James's farmhouse but every attempt to leave was met with a barrier she could not pass through. Trapped like a rat in a cage bound to a world she did not understand.
Why was she being held a prisoner there? What could James possibly gain from holding her spirit in his dark cruel barbaric world?.
Her cries turned to anger as she screamed her former love name out loud. As she shouted his name she noticed the birds in the trees were disturbed by her cries and fled their feathered nests and took flight into the night sky.
Did these feathered friends hear her? She could not be sure so her cries continued.
She began walking aimlessly towards the farmhouse as she did not want to remain alone in the woods. She noticed a small animal crawling around the dirt so you she tried to get its attention by shouting. At first the little creature made no gesture that it could hear her that was until she got closer and yelled “look at me” the creature looked up startled and ran away.
Maria knew then her anger made it possible for her to be heard and this gave some hope of a way to be seen and find some kind of salvation. Her walking went on but not without fear. What would happen if James became aware of her presence in his home? What he do to her ? He was powerful and evil and that made it imperative that she must tread carefully where he was concerned.
She could still see light at the farmhouse and as she walked she could see figures in the window and it was clear they were all still there.
She made it to the front door and for a few brief moments she wondered if she knocked at the door would it be heard? So she tried only for her hand to pass through the wood.
She glanced at the yew trees that stood around the house and she remembered how James told her that yew trees were evil magic wishing trees. She had often thought it strange but now she knew he liked anything that drew him close to satan and his demonic kingdom.
She passed through the door and observed her former friend Charles sitting at the kitchen table drinking red wine from a transparent glass. She could see his sadness but her anger towards him for his part in her demise made her unsympathetic.
She watched Richard enter and he still had the gold earring she remembered from so long ago. She stood in the doorway listening to their conversation. Richard talking about how well human blood went with claret. It disgusted her and made her want to strike him as felt that poor girls pain.
Charles agreed that blood and wine went well yet he just felt that it was a means to get by.
Richard was laughing and saying the girl was not somebody who would be missed and the poor unfortunates that came to them were nothing more than a good meal and gave his wine more flavour.
She watched as Thomas emerged from the underground room and announcing everything was cleaned up and he was eager to go back to somewhere called Grozny so he could take part in a fight. She looked at Thomas and said out loud “you haven't changed” you are still a brut.
The conversation was still laugher filled at the girls expense. Maria spoke out “you all clean up quick after a kill” Charles looked up from his wine glass and looked around as though he heard something. Maria was not sure if he heard so she called out his name.
Charles began looking around more until Richard asked him what was wrong? Charles said a woman's voice it was faint but defiantly there. Maria walked closer to him and said “Im here Charles” that time he did not hear but a small mirror on the wall showed up Marias reflection. Charles knocked his wine glass and it smashed on the black tiled floor.
Charles refused to say what had startled him and he left the house abruptly and wandered around the grounds worrying about what he had just seen.
Maria wanted to follow him and try her hand at taunting him but she couldn't as she needed to see James as he was the one she feared but the one she loved so much in spite of what he had done to her.


COMMENTS

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Cadrewolf2
Cadrewolf2
21:03 Jan 17 2025

Excellent





 

Maria The Memories Of A Ghost Part 2

00:44 Jan 17 2025
Times Read: 154


The screams echoed through the old farmhouse. Maria lay alone on the floor crying out for god to help release her only for her cries to go unanswered. She could see the gapping wound in her chest. The place her heart once beat to the tune of love for James.
How could all this be a love that she felt to be good and true only to be a lie that took her to her demise at the end of a dagger. She picked herself up and ran down the stairs and screamed and yelled at James and his cruel friends to let the girl go.
It made no difference nobody could see or hear her. She watched on as they dragged the girl to that room under the house. She followed them down the stairs and watched in horror as they laid her bruised and battered body out on the altar.
Maria remembered the same being done to her so long ago. The fear the pain and the cries for help went unheeded.
She began to remember the three men.
Thomas the madman
Richard the pirate
And her friend Charles the orphan
All part of James's gang of highwaymen and clearly devout satanists that did everything their master demanded. James was the master and his evil destroyed Marias heart.
As the girl lay fighting for her life all four men began to change. There was no longer resemblance of men not their eyes or their teeth. They were monsters that you only see in a bad dream but truly real.
She watched in horror as they all sank their fangs into that poor girls flesh and began devouring her blood.
They were like a pack of wolves feasting on its pray. The blood splattered the altar and floor. The sound of blood being sucked away was deafening. She watched as the life in the girls eyes died and they began to stop their carnage.
They all looked so pleased with them selves as they wiped the blood from their mouths. She watched them give thanks to satan for being able to indulge in his foul glory.
She watched the man she once loved bask in his obscenity. She knew what he was and why he killed her and removed her heart. She was his offering so he could become immortal and take his gang with him.
She ran from the room and made her way back into the woods and screamed “Vampires”


COMMENTS

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20:17 Jan 16 2025
Times Read: 169


Trying hard to go back to writing I still want to make this happen


COMMENTS

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Cadrewolf2
Cadrewolf2
20:26 Jan 16 2025

You do an excellent job. Said you need to publish some short stories.





Lamadia79
Lamadia79
20:33 Jan 16 2025

I don't know how to and I don't have the right equipment





Cadrewolf2
Cadrewolf2
03:31 Jan 17 2025

Just write tell the dreams become the fable





Lamadia79
Lamadia79
03:43 Jan 17 2025

I can only try





 

Maria The Memories Of A Ghost part 1

18:49 Jan 16 2025
Times Read: 176


Waking up suddenly to a strange world. Out in the woods where she was taken to her doom. She could see in the distance the old farmhouse where James lived. She could hear the sounds of the woods the birds singing and chirping incessantly and sounds of wild animals scurrying to their underground homes.
She hear the gentle breeze that ran through the trees and their summer time leave's but she could not feel it.
She picked herself up off the ground to find her long pale slender fingers passed through the pretty wild flowers that painted the ground she lay on.
Voices in the distance chattered to each other in a language she did not understand. It was English yet the words were so different than she had once known.
She wandered through the woods constantly looking down at her hands to see she was now transparent a faded version of her former self.
Her clothes that were once white that lay under a pretty gown were now grey and tattered. Her chest gave way to a hole that once held her young beating heart.
Her mind now suffering the intense cruel flashbacks of her life in 1769 when she was a young 18 year old maiden of good family.
Her heart locket was gone. A beautiful gift from her mother and father. The ring her beloved grandmother gave her gone. The gold bracelet James gave her as a token of his love gone.
She began to call out but nobody heard she ran to people who were walking the woods with their dogs only to stop and stare at their curious dress and strange objects they talked into.
She began crying out “My name is Maria can you hear me?” Can any of you see me?” And still nothing. She began to hear a terrible roar from the sky as a giant silver bird passed. Maria screamed and fell to the ground with force only to fly through the air into the trees and look down at the strange world below her. She fell back to the ground with a thud.
She curled up into a ball and cried. No time at all seems to pass and as she reopened her dark hollow eyes night had come.
She began to gather herself and walk towards the old farmhouse. She knew this house was a house of danger in spite of the danger she walked on. She could see light through its old gothic windows. Her bare feet not even picking up any dirt or moss from the ground.
Sharp stones not even cutting in as she realised she was nothing more than a ghost from the past.
As she walked she was scared as a large black horseless carriage that roared stopped outside the house. She watched as a door opened and a man with long black hair got out. He was dressed in black and she caught sight of his face. She suddenly began to smile as she realised it was James.
She stopped dead in her tracks as she wondered how could it be? She knew she was dead and so much time must of past since she died. How was he still alive and in such a strange time period?
She ventured further carefully plotting each step. She looked towards the farmhouses front door and a flashback ran through her mind. She could see herself being carried in over a mans shoulder. Two other men followed behind him. She could see the sky growing dark and the horses snorting and kicking in the run down old stable.
Her vision showed her head bleeding and she was barely conscious. Two of the men laughed as they took her inside the house. Their laughter was cruel and suggested a terrible intent. The other man looked sad and tearful and yet he followed and did nothing.
Her vision faded so she continued to the house and made the leap of faith and passed through the door. The inside was strange black furniture blood red walls and some bizarre objects that adorned the walls.
Odd shaped box in the living quarters and something on a line that made a frightening loud sound over and over and yet no sign of James.
She walked into the kitchen to strange objects again. They were all over the surfaces what were they?
She left the kitchen and floated up the stairs to see bedroom doors all closed. She passed through the door of one bedroom to find a large fourposter bed covered by black silk sheets and pillows and a large fire place. As she looked over at the fire place above the mantle a large portrait of a girl hung on the wall.
She saw a fair maiden long blond hair with delicate curls and porcelain skin with a hint of a smile. Bright eyes filled with love a pretty gold heart locket lay gently around her neck. A firm bosom held up by a pretty light blue gown that covered her curves and gracefully traced her arms.
She held a basket of beautiful wild flowers and that pretty ring she remembered made her delicate hands stand out.
She knew it was her she remembered convincing the artist who painted it to make two copies one for her family and one for the man she loved.
Noises from down stairs made her flee the room and hide behind the stairs bannister.
She could see Jame and three other men pushing a girl backwards and forwards from hand to hand like she was a child's bouncing ball. She was screaming and crying and they were laughing all accept for one.
Maria began to have visions again and they made her fall to the floor. She could herself being dragged screaming and kicking to a room under the house. The men ripping at her dress pulling her hair and keeping a tight grip on her frightened body.
She could smell a burning fire and strange smell of some kind of perfume that made her eyes burn. James ripping off her necklace and coldly looking into her eyes and as she said “I thought you loved me” He cruelly replied “No”
She watched as he ordered the men to remove her dress and tie her to the altar. The vision stopped abruptly and she began to scream.
Her screaming didn't stop but suddenly she realised she was not the one screaming it was the girl downstairs'.


COMMENTS

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OccultRanger
OccultRanger
21:42 Jan 16 2025

I think she'll come back.





 

22:24 Jan 15 2025
Times Read: 196


Where to start with whats been happening to me.
Im no longer in a relationship. It was 10 years 5 years living apart 5 together. All went wrong.
I have been blaming myself constantly for everything that has happened but Im starting to see it was not all my fault at all.
Unfortunately my life has been a life of trauma that I have never been aloud to deal with.
It manifested into voices that said horrible and terrible things to me. They made me eat when I didn't want to. They made angry when I had no reason to be angry.
They have really took over in the last couple of years and wrapped themselves around me and stopped me living and doing the things I need to do.
Im getting help but its hard. It will take a very long time for me to get better and I need to apologise for my recent behaviour.
I just was not myself at all. The balance of my mind is very disturbed and due to what Im going through its not really surprising.
I really don't know what will happen to me I guess with the right help I will gradually start to come back to health and happiness again.
Thats the thing about happiness you have to keep an eye on it at all times.
Im afraid of the loneliness I will have to face and right now everyday is a battle to stay alive.
I can't promise I will be able to stay alive but Im trying hard to make it.
I know to my friends here Im not the friend you deserve. But its not because I don't want to be its because Im very ill and its a big thing for me to admit


COMMENTS

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Cadrewolf2
Cadrewolf2
22:45 Jan 15 2025

Be strong, faults no matter who are faults we learn from. lie finds away to survive and so shall you. My door is always open if you need to talk. believe in yourself





 

15:06 Jan 13 2025
Times Read: 229


I feel invaded and trapped.
I know Im going to lose more and more people because the balance of my mind is disturbed now. Thats the sad thing about all this but I know I have to claw my way back to reality and life. Im in here somewhere just have to find her


COMMENTS

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04:04 Jan 13 2025
Times Read: 246


I know now Im very ill.
My mind is being taken over by invading voices that constantly want me to hurt myself and take over and say bad things.
I was given meds by the hospital that have made it worse. I have tried to make myself sick but mental health team say its already absorbed into my system.
They keep calling me and talking to me until they can reach me later today.
They say Im experiencing a manic episode as I can not stop pacing.
I have managed to stop a little but I feel pushing me back up again. I have not slept or hardly eaten for 3 days.
I get the feeling Im going to have be sectioned as Im not safe alone right now.
I want it to stop and find out whats wrong with me


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