Lockedinamber's Journal


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8 entries this month

10:38 Jan 31 2023
Times Read: 63

I get tired of people saying how much I've changed. Even my appearance has changed. What people don't realize or seem to care is I had to change me. The old me got hurt and had to be sacrificed. I was in a bad place, swirling out of control into the abyss of depression. I am still there but at least I've anchored myself to keep from sinking all the way to the bottom. So yeah I've changed. If I had stayed the same I would have died. I'm not sure the new me will keep me alive but I'm trying.




10:26 Jan 31 2023
Times Read: 67

How am I supposed to overlook every shitty thing that was done to hurt me? Maybe I already died and this is my own personal hell. If that is true what the fuck did I do in this life or a past one to deserve this?

Its hard to control my rage, my urge for revenge, and my desire for his head to be put on a fucking stick. Yet, I have to. I have to play nice. How do you play nice with someone you can't trust? How do you keep from being destroyed yet again? I can't and won't let that happen, not again.

Is this all some sort of master fuckery of evil plan? I fucking hope not. I can't guarantee that if this time he hurts me I won't kill him. So I got the mask on my face tightened so right that the nails are now digging into my soul. I hidden my eyes so my rage doesn't boil holes everywhere I look. He got a little bit of bad luck but I don't feel like it's enough. Because in the end he is still squeezing my neck and bleeding my soul dry. The sad part is, is I have to obey him and play nice or he will hurt me all over again. But this time it will be worse.

I get to deal with the fucking nightmares alone. There isn't enough medication in the damn world to drown out my own screams. Its 4 am and I can't stop the tears from rusting the nails.




11:16 Jan 18 2023
Times Read: 101

I am tired of people telling me to remain positive and look for the good in things. Really? This world has poisoned me. There is no good left in it. Just let my soul rot.



22:07 Jan 18 2023

There can be no darkness without light, there can be no day without night.


08:16 Jan 14 2023
Times Read: 128

Oh I am real. Believe me I am real. No you aren't. You are nothing more than a bot to me. You really think by paying me a compliment I am just going to bend over and let you take everything away from me? Nah. This isn't how it will work. You think you know anything about me? You know what I let you to know. Which isn't much. And knowing me, the minute I stop trusting you, any info you get on me will be a fucking lie.

Oh my gawd, you lie to people lockedinamber? You damn right I do. People can't be trusted. There aren't good people out there saving people from the endless torment called life. There isn't a selfless person out there. With that being said why do you think anyone deserves the truth especially about me? Do you really think if you knew the truth about me, you would still want to be in my life? Would you still come here daily, sending me messages, and trying to get me to talk to you? No. If you say you would, you are lying.

I am a very dark and twisted woman. I have been scorned more times than I can count. I've been used as a pawn in a twisted game. I am full of secrets, I have seen my fair share of death and destruction. You can't help me or bring me back to the lighted path.




08:06 Jan 14 2023
Times Read: 131

I don't trust him. I have said this many times. Now he is nice. Now he wants to be in my life not as my punisher but as my confident, love, and probably fuck buddy? Fuck that. I will put up with it long enough to get what I want. I want him to suffer. I want him to pay for what he has done. Now he plays stupid saying he never wanted to put me through hell. Lmao. Yeah right. Nice try. I was an idiot once and he destroyed me. I will not be an idiot again.

He is stupid. He thinks he can just waltz back into my life? With no consequences? The only reason why I haven't slit his throat is because of the one person I'm trying to protect. Plus I wouldn't make it out of prison. So there's that. But that doesn't mean I am not thinking about it. How to watch him suffer and beg for my forgiveness.

I put up with too much bullshit, too much pain. 2023 is going to go my way because I am no longer going to be weak. It's time I step into what I am really, a monster. There is no reason to be nice especially to people who don't deserve my kindness.




04:19 Jan 08 2023
Times Read: 162

Is that all people can do is prove that they can't be trusted or relied on? I wish I could make the vile, heartless, people who enjoy other people's pain just disappear. Life would be so much better if I had a death note.

Yes, I constantly think about my enemies and giving them their own taste of their medicine. I want more to be done. I would love to be Karma. I still think that I did something terrible in a past life and living is my punishment. Living in what can only be described as my own personal hell.



06:16 Jan 08 2023

I'm a living god who do you wish to penalize?

08:00 Jan 14 2023

Everyone but especially my ex.


13:05 Jan 04 2023
Times Read: 184

He has been nice. It's not only creepy but really making me mistrust him more. I can't figure out what his alternative motive is. There is no way that he actually changed. A zebra can't change their stripes. I'm preparing myself for round 2 of hell.

I had a disturbing dream. I don't remember most of it, only parts of it. My dreams have always meant something. But this one, I cant figure out.

The guy I have been talking to for months said he didn't say not to message him or that he was too busy for me. He said he meant it in another way. If im being honest, I think he is seeing someone else. I'm not a back up plan. It's so frustrating when people aren't people they are nothing more than snakes. I'm tired of being tricked and bitten then left for dead.

2023 started out a little rocky. And it's only the 5th day. It better start improving I cant handle another year like 2022. Worst fucking year of my life.




13:13 Jan 02 2023
Times Read: 218

Well there you have it. I was stupid to think I actually stood a chance with someone. I really opened up to this person. But in the end, I was told to quit messaging, they were too busy for me. In other words, I used you, strung you along like a cat playing with a piece of string, and I'm seeing someone else. It really just irritates me. Why waste my time? Why not just say, hey I'm going to use you as a distraction for a few months. But that require someone actually being honest with me for once .

He all of a sudden apologized to me for destroying me. Now he wants to make amends and wants to get back together with me. I don't trust him. Why should I? He enjoyed my pain and suffering. He destroyed everything good about me. Now he is sorry? Why now? Because I finally got my foot on solid ground again? What does he want to burn the ground I stand on again? Take my soul for his personal plaything? He hurt me before to the point where I wanted to die. He literally broke me, then stomped me into the ground. What else is left for him to do to me?



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