Come forth, you who seek the edge of truth. Strip away your names, your comforts, your borrowed beliefs. Lay bare your flesh, for the first altar is the body, and the first sacrifice is your illusion of control.
You have been told to flee pain, to numb it, to drown it in pleasure. Fools. Pain is not your enemy — it is your tutor, your hammer, your blade. From agony rises awareness. From suffering, strength. Pleasure, too, is not sin — but neither is it salvation. It is a flame. Left unattended, it devours. But in the hands of the adept, it is a torch that lights the way through the labyrinth of the self.
The ancients knew this. The old temples — now dust, now myth — taught that the path to mastery is neither indulgence nor repression, but transmutation. The Stoics held the will as iron. The ascetics burned desire to unveil the soul. The Gnostics sought to escape the flesh. But we — we do not run. We conquer. We do not flee the body. We enthrone the spirit within it.
Discipline is not negation. It is the sculptor’s chisel. Control is not tyranny. It is kingship over chaos. Domination — if it is to be sacred — must begin within. He who cannot rule his own hunger, his rage, his longing, is unfit to speak words of power or call spirits by name.
You wish to know if you walk the true path? Ask yourself this — can you bear pain and see meaning? Can you feel pleasure and remain sovereign? Can you command your flesh without despising it? If you can, then you walk with the forgotten ones — the priests of fire, the architects of will, the sons and daughters of both shadow and flame.
The world you know is weak. It trembles before discomfort and worships ease. But you, seeker, are called to the ancient war — the inner war — where pleasure is the lure, pain is the gate, the body is the vessel, and will is the weapon.
Step forward. Kneel, not in surrender, but in readiness. Your trials will burn. Your senses will betray. But if you endure — if you dominate without becoming cruel, if you submit without becoming broken — then you shall rise not as one who obeys, but as one who commands.
And the gods — the true gods — who sleep in forgotten blood and whisper from within the marrow — they will know your name.”
His kiss
breathed life into her dying soul
Igniting the smoldering embers of desires long forsaken
With his love she was free and finally home
~Maxwell Xavier
I guess it’s just something I will never understand despite having felt so low in my life. That is not something I ever entertained. Not better than just not my lot in life. What I did do was cut to release my pain. I don’t do that anymore though. Every now and then I’ll still get like that and have the need to feel pain as a way to center and balance my world. I suppose that makes me a masochist. I don’t necessarily enjoy pain just certain types of pain. Dying is not something I want to do. I guess I’ll never understand. I learned to cope in my own way with life that worked for me. Death just never seemed like the answer to things that went shitty in life.
Revealing one's true colors is a freedom few of us have. When the weak-minded discover what lies hidden in our darkness, they flee. They're right, because we are undoubtedly their worst nightmare.
“You think pain is the enemy, but pain is the truth. It does not lie, does not flatter, does not bargain. It strips away illusion and leaves you naked before yourself. You worship comfort, but comfort has never revealed your character. Only in suffering do you meet the parts of you that convenience has buried. You want meaning without cost, love without loss, clarity without chaos. But the human condition is a crucible, not a cradle. Every scar is a confession, every regret a lesson carved into the flesh of memory. I am not here to torment you—I am here to show you that torment has already lived inside you, patiently waiting to be acknowledged. Do not look for angels or demons. Look in the mirror. That is where the chains begin.”
I opened a mentorship probably pointless but it’s there if anyone wants to join. I’ll give you the powers to build the mentorship.
I think maybe after all this time I am finally getting over him. You’re the only person I ever really told everything to, even N didn’t know everything. He didn’t even know the full story just that he was an old boyfriend. He didn’t know it nearly killed me when he left. It was kind of like that scene in the Twilight series where Edward left Bella. I mean at least I still saw my other crush because he was friends with my brother. He was never really mine anyway either. How does it take one 30 years to get over someone? Is it going to take just that long to get over the both of you?
Last night was hard I cried myself to sleep.
I wish I could have been that person you need also I was thinking that all this time all I have done was sacrifice myself for others and what they wanted. It would just be the same thing all over again for me. It would be nice for a change to have someone to take care of me for me to get the things I desire out of life for once. It’s no one’s fault but my own I was just too naïve at the time to realize. Hindsight is 20 20. I’m tired I need your dark side I need that part to take care of me. That is why we would never work. The side you show me is different than the side you show others.
Sitting here sipping my coffee grateful for new beginnings and new friendships. Grateful for their perspective. A lot of things will be changing. I’ll be honest things this time last year were hell.
Back in March I started my weight loss journey I already lost 18 pounds. I have 53 pounds until I hit my first goal.
This summer I will be taking advantage of the warmth. Hopefully by summers end I will be closer to my goal. Up until this point I put my life aside for others but now it’s my time to find and rekindle my dreams to find my purpose in life. The goal will eventually to be able to buy my place by the ocean. That goal may take a bit longer.
I have plans to finish up my body modifications. Will also be working on my mental health further by finding another therapist to talk to. I’ve also decided that I will be eventually separating from a relationship that is toxic.
I hurt my back last night. All I did was bend over to put a pack of cheese in the drawer in the fridge. I felt a pop and then pain.
I mean I wasn’t bending out of my normal range of motion or even straining to bend. WTF?
I hope it wasn’t a disk. I hope that maybe I just pulled a ligament or muscle. I mean I’ve had worse pain in my upper back. It’s just enough that I know I should stay in bed and not push my luck with bending over. Fuck!!
“The fantasy of a man like you is how we cope with the reality of a man like you”
So much for trying to sleep last night. It wasn’t for trying either. *sighs*
Feeling bitchy today.
I don’t know if it’s that I fall too quickly. Or that I feel things so deeply.
It doesn’t happen with everyone. That spark.
Let alone it being the opposite gender.
It has only ever happened with one other woman a friend of a friend. My normally cool demeanor melting away and me turning into a bumbling idiot who couldn’t speak in her presence. It’s not so much that I would have buried my face deep in between her legs but I would have just been happy laying with her in the same bed. Not even touching. Yep you guessed it weakness red head but not only that the person she is too.
It’s not sexual I mean it can’t be I haven’t seen them. It’s the same feeling I get when I see an attractive red head woman. I have no label for this feeling but an attraction. Maybe the closest thing is romantic interest. It makes my otherwise straight switch flip. It’s not sexual not saying it couldn’t ever be. Right now I’m just trying to make sense of this very rare thing that happens to me. I have always said I’m inherently straight or have felt bisexual because I know it’s there. Or maybe it’s just normal home grown bonding and attachment.
Maybe right now we say it’s a girl crush. Of course we are friends would never cross that but I have to acknowledge I feel this way. Try to make sense of it for myself.
COMMENTS
I think it's a form of attraction. Maybe an attraction to the mind or just the who of it. Not so much the gender or the sexual desire. When I become attracted to a woman, it can start out this way. I don't get the 'oh, she's hot I just want to dive between her legs' feeling. First there comes the connection, the curiosity of knowing them and letting that attraction grow. Then it goes from there. I get it. I've been on the similar path.
I separate it because it’s easier to break it down. This doesn’t even get into how my attraction to men works that’s a whole other thing. lol
Or that I’m poly romantic by nature which I have always known since I was younger.
The truth is I suppose it doesn’t depend on gender really. I have found myself physically attracted to non binary individuals but my vice is who someone is as a person with some hints of just physical/sexual attraction to some individuals.
Ohhhh! I'd love to hear about it! I'm curious to see if we're similar in those thoughts.
I would love to compare notes with you on it as well. I have to find the words to try to get my meaning across though.
Mother fucker I hate when my gut knows things before I do. Actually no I don’t. Most of the time I just chalk it up to paranoia but it was pretty clear the universe was warning me the whole time. *head desk* Well I dodged that fucking bullet unfortunately others weren’t so lucky and that …well …that pisses me the fuck off because of who it was.
I guess today is a stay in bed kinda day. Having abdominal pain probably a cyst but who knows.
Nothing like your body retaliating against you. It’s no doubt all the stress from the past couple of weeks.
Just to be as you are and have it be okay. I suppose it’s an unrealistic expectation huh? In this woke society I get tired of improving myself. The only way is to be utterly alone and live in a box also impossible.
I got shredded cheese all over me and the floor last night and you know what along time ago it would have given me a panic attack but my dog also reaped the benefits of my “laziness”. He always is so anal about cleanliness. Sometimes it’s the small middle finger moments in life. I’m imperfect, trying to be perfect is so damned exhausting. Meh maybe that philosophy is wrong maybe I am more damaged than I thought possible but you know what right it doesn’t matter. I am allowed to just be sometimes. Right??
Because sometimes you have to sit naked in your living room watching cartoons eating shredded mozzarella cheese out of the bag. Don’t judge me it’s been one of those days.
"I had to turn into darkness to overcome my fear of her. It's much more than meets the eye, much more than what we can see. A dimension across space that has both knowledge and eternal beauty.”
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