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Sitting here sipping my coffee grateful for new beginnings and new friendships. Grateful for their perspective. A lot of things will be changing. I’ll be honest things this time last year were hell.
Back in March I started my weight loss journey I already lost 18 pounds. I have 53 pounds until I hit my first goal.
This summer I will be taking advantage of the warmth. Hopefully by summers end I will be closer to my goal. Up until this point I put my life aside for others but now it’s my time to find and rekindle my dreams to find my purpose in life. The goal will eventually to be able to buy my place by the ocean. That goal may take a bit longer.
I have plans to finish up my body modifications. Will also be working on my mental health further by finding another therapist to talk to. I’ve also decided that I will be eventually separating from a relationship that is toxic.
I hurt my back last night. All I did was bend over to put a pack of cheese in the drawer in the fridge. I felt a pop and then pain.
I mean I wasn’t bending out of my normal range of motion or even straining to bend. WTF?
I hope it wasn’t a disk. I hope that maybe I just pulled a ligament or muscle. I mean I’ve had worse pain in my upper back. It’s just enough that I know I should stay in bed and not push my luck with bending over. Fuck!!
I don’t know if it’s that I fall too quickly. Or that I feel things so deeply.
It doesn’t happen with everyone. That spark.
Let alone it being the opposite gender.
It has only ever happened with one other woman a friend of a friend. My normally cool demeanor melting away and me turning into a bumbling idiot who couldn’t speak in her presence. It’s not so much that I would have buried my face deep in between her legs but I would have just been happy laying with her in the same bed. Not even touching. Yep you guessed it weakness red head but not only that the person she is too.
It’s not sexual I mean it can’t be I haven’t seen them. It’s the same feeling I get when I see an attractive red head woman. I have no label for this feeling but an attraction. Maybe the closest thing is romantic interest. It makes my otherwise straight switch flip. It’s not sexual not saying it couldn’t ever be. Right now I’m just trying to make sense of this very rare thing that happens to me. I have always said I’m inherently straight or have felt bisexual because I know it’s there. Or maybe it’s just normal home grown bonding and attachment.
Maybe right now we say it’s a girl crush. Of course we are friends would never cross that but I have to acknowledge I feel this way. Try to make sense of it for myself.
I think it's a form of attraction. Maybe an attraction to the mind or just the who of it. Not so much the gender or the sexual desire. When I become attracted to a woman, it can start out this way. I don't get the 'oh, she's hot I just want to dive between her legs' feeling. First there comes the connection, the curiosity of knowing them and letting that attraction grow. Then it goes from there. I get it. I've been on the similar path.
I separate it because it’s easier to break it down. This doesn’t even get into how my attraction to men works that’s a whole other thing. lol
Or that I’m poly romantic by nature which I have always known since I was younger.
The truth is I suppose it doesn’t depend on gender really. I have found myself physically attracted to non binary individuals but my vice is who someone is as a person with some hints of just physical/sexual attraction to some individuals.
I would love to compare notes with you on it as well. I have to find the words to try to get my meaning across though.
22:22 May 04 2025 Times Read: 303
Mother fucker I hate when my gut knows things before I do. Actually no I don’t. Most of the time I just chalk it up to paranoia but it was pretty clear the universe was warning me the whole time. *head desk* Well I dodged that fucking bullet unfortunately others weren’t so lucky and that …well …that pisses me the fuck off because of who it was.
I guess today is a stay in bed kinda day. Having abdominal pain probably a cyst but who knows.
Nothing like your body retaliating against you. It’s no doubt all the stress from the past couple of weeks.
Just to be as you are and have it be okay. I suppose it’s an unrealistic expectation huh? In this woke society I get tired of improving myself. The only way is to be utterly alone and live in a box also impossible.
I got shredded cheese all over me and the floor last night and you know what along time ago it would have given me a panic attack but my dog also reaped the benefits of my “laziness”. He always is so anal about cleanliness. Sometimes it’s the small middle finger moments in life. I’m imperfect, trying to be perfect is so damned exhausting. Meh maybe that philosophy is wrong maybe I am more damaged than I thought possible but you know what right it doesn’t matter. I am allowed to just be sometimes. Right??
Because sometimes you have to sit naked in your living room watching cartoons eating shredded mozzarella cheese out of the bag. Don’t judge me it’s been one of those days.
"I had to turn into darkness to overcome my fear of her. It's much more than meets the eye, much more than what we can see. A dimension across space that has both knowledge and eternal beauty.”
COMMENTS
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MooniePie
16:13 May 11 2025
xox You got this!
LunarTides
16:31 May 11 2025
🫶