The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

So I'm in one of those moods today that I just want the whole world to disappear. I'm tired of trying so hard to make everyone else happy when I'm so freakin miserable all the time. Maybe one day I will find my peace of mind... but until then, I feel like I'm falling apart. I miss Chris and I hate the feeling that I'm losing my faith. I don't know what to do about that and really don't have anyone to turn to.. It seems like most people are around when it's convenient for them.. or when they need something from me. I'm sick of giving myself to so many people with getting nothing in return. I know that sounds extremely selfish of me, but it's how I feel right now. I give myself so totally and completely to everyone I care about, and then they turn around and walk all over me. I know I'm venting, but it's starting to really bother me. My heart is breaking, and lately I've felt so hollow. I don't know if I will ever be able to love anyone again, I'm so tired of being burnt. There are so many people in this world that are far worse off than I am.. so I really need to just count my blessings and be thankful for what I already have and not attempt to keep searching for something better. I don't think "something better" even exists. I'm tired, mentally and physically. I'm to the point of not even wanting to get out of bed in the mornings. I don't know what I'm going to do at this point with my current relationship status. I'm not in love with Harley, but I know he loves me so maybe I just need to stay with him. I realize you can't choose how your heart feels, and you can't make yourself love someone.. but lately he has been good to me. I'm just so unhappy with everything in my life right now. I need my best friend, and she isn't here. I've never in my life needed someone as much as I do right now. I'm ready to have a sever emotional breakdown... I know I'm on the verge of it, and yet every day I just attempt to stuff it further and further inside. Hopefully one day I won't just explode, but I'm terrified that day is coming soon. I just want to leave, and never look back.. but I know I can't do that. I need to get away, even if it's just for a little while. I actually am considering checking myself into a hospital or something very soon. I can't take much more of this. The mood swings are getting worse, and I feel utterly lost. It seems like everytime I let someone into my life I always push them away. I hate that I do that but I'm so sick of being hurt.... and I'm tired of being the one that hurts them. I need to do some serious soul searching sometime really soon.. I just never have time.. or the patience. Most days it's all I can do to keep from locking myself in my room and crying for hours. I NEVER use to be that way. I just want to be happy.. is that too much to ask for?? I hate feeling worthless.. and unwanted. Even though I know I shouldn't because there are several people that need me around, mainly my kids. They are my reason for breathing. I don't know where I would be without them. I'm hurting, and I don't understand why....



I need my faith back, I need alot of things actually. I'm done for now, I think I'm gonna attempt to go to sleep.. since that's all I've wanted to do lately. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but I somehow doubt it............................