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PsychoticUsagi's Journal


PsychoticUsagi's Journal

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17 entries this month
 

22:12 Apr 19 2024
Times Read: 31


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00:46 Apr 17 2024
Times Read: 80


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20:28 Apr 13 2024
Times Read: 181


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captainglobehead
captainglobehead
00:36 Apr 15 2024

Draggin' a little?





 

23:43 Apr 11 2024
Times Read: 288


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Learned the hard way: Don't invite Bunny anywhere unless you want flowers there🌻🌼🌸
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11:42 Apr 10 2024
Times Read: 399


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Gotham City... vampires?

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04:11 Apr 10 2024
Times Read: 417


Cheshire asked me recently why it is that I didn't go after Wolfie when he left, and why I haven't tried to reach out to him since then. And... it's a difficult question to answer because... there are a lot of reasons, and I'm not really sure which is the exact one that caused me to choose what I did. I can't decide if what I chose was good or bad. If I'm proud of myself for finally setting a boundary with him and saying no more or if I'm ashamed of myself for sitting back and letting the mentally ill man I love take off by himself. It's both. Unfortunately at the beginning of all this I left a lot of people with the impression that he straight up ghosted me and disappeared without telling me anything. And that's not what happened. He told me he was leaving, told me where he was going. It's just that, I never believed he'd be gone this long. Because this has happened before where he'd have a massive emotional breakdown, say he was leaving, I'd give him a few days, maybe a couple weeks, bur he'd always bounce back and we'd work it out. But this hadn't happened in a few years. He has gone a few years without running away from me so I mistakenly thought we were past that. And those feelings of betrayal are definitely a factor in my decision to say no more, I'm not chasing after you this time. Because every other time he'd left, I went after him. But I refused this time. Because I knew something needed to change. Because if he could do this to me after a few years, sure I could've gone after him and probably convinced him to stay, but then... it would happen again. And again. And who knows how many times in a lifetime with him, how many times would I have to feel that hurt and betrayal of him running away? Something needed to change. I needed him to get into a place where he's not doing this anymore. It's like my mom said, "What if you had moved all the way to Russia, and he pulled this on you?" And I feel like my mom doesn't give me enough credit... Even if I were in Russia, and he suddenly ditched me there, I'm pretty positive I could find my own way to an airport, and get my ass home. I'm not fucking helpless, I'm actually pretty resourceful. Unless we were living in the Siberian wilderness with the bears... Probably be able to figure it out myself. But I get where she's coming from because that's where I was at with him, ready to drip my whole life to move across the planet just to be with him. And maybe that's why he tapped out, maybe it was too fucking real for him, I dunno. I think it's more complicated than that, but shit, I don't know. But that's definitely part of it, I don't want to spend the rest of my life chasing someone, I want them firmly beside me because that's where they want to be. And it sucks because it's not entirely his fault. Obviously he's a grown man who consciously makes his own choices, but choices can be extremely warped if you're not in your right mind. Wolfie will tell you he's an extremely logical person, but in reality he's a very instinctual person, he doesn't think things through to logic, he often makes snap decisions based on a feeling. Like a wounded animal, he just reacts to things a lot of the time without thinking it through because he's deeply afraid of everything. And again, it's not his fault. Imagine being a child, and almost NEVER having any feeling of safety. What would that do to you as an adult? And that's why I feel like shit over letting him leave. But I think it was necessary. Wolfie needs solid time to work on himself. And he couldn't do that with me in the background pressuring him. Now, I never intentionally pressured him, I think I was pretty supportive of everything he did. But we were on year 6 of our relationship, and we weren't more frequently physically together. We didn't live together. That's not because he didn't try though. He got the house for us, his mother ruined that. He tried to bring me over to Europe with him, nearly impossible. Made all the plans, and got everything ready for us in Russia, fucking war starts there. Every time we tried to move forward, we were violently shoved back. So that's pressure, on him, to figure out how to make a life for us with our options running thinner and thinner. He had even mentioned to me that we could possibly move to the island he had been working on back in 2020, the one he got stuck on during covid, and... living on the beach on a sparsely populated island with my hot boyfriend... I'd sign up for that. Especially if eventually maybe we move somewhere else in a few years, I would've gone there with him in a heartbeat. But he'd never be happy there because it was miserable for him. I think he'd be happy that I was there, but there's no theater or library or Cafe, it's not the city, and that's what he loves. But he won't be happy anywhere if he doesn't get his head right. Obviously he's never going to fully heal from the things he's endured, but he's at a point in his life where I think it's important to really try, and unfortunately I think he needs to run solo for that. That's the bulk of my reasoning. And that's a lot to explain to someone asking you casually, "So why did you let this guy you love so much leave so easily?" It wasn't easy. It was necessary. In my opinion anyway. I think Wolfie knew that too or he would've come right back. Or maybe he feels like I betrayed and gave up on and abandoned him. I've never given up on him. I'm still right here. If he'd look, he'd see me, right where he left me. But maybe he's not ready to see me. He may never be ready to see me. He may never even look. Regardless, I'm still here.
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04:04 Apr 10 2024
Times Read: 442


It's officially been an entire year since Wolfie left. Cheshire asked me recently, "If he came back now do you really think a year away would have done him any good?" I think that wholeheartedly depends on where he's been. Because I don't know where he's been. I know where he told me he was going, and if he did in fact go away to a place where he could 100% get away from everyone and everything, yes, that would probably have done him a substantial amount of good. But if he simply took off back to Russia, and went straight back into working himself to death with no joy, personal life or support system beyond an abusive mother, and her unintentional enablers, then no, he'd definitely come back much, much worse. And what do I mean by unintentional enablers... Let's just put it as plain as possible. Wolfie has been horrifically abused by his mother his entire life, most of the worst of it happening to him as a small child. Despite that fact, which like most victims of abuse he tried to deny for a long time but eventually came to identify and accept, despite accepting how horrible his mother has been to him all he really wants, all on this entire planet, is for his mother to love him. At his core, 99% of the issues he has in life are from his mother, and his longing for her to love him. So he's tried many times to reconcile with her, and I've always protested this because here's the thing, it's very fucked but stay with me... He thinks there's a magic set of circumstances where suddenly he's going to be enough, and prove that he's enough, and its going to finally earn her love because he'll finally be deserving of her love. But the problem isn't him. It's HER. IT'S ALL HER. As a child... you don't ask to be brought into this world. You don't ask to be shoved into all this pain, and struggle, and confusion. Sure, there are a also a lot of amazing things in life, but you didn't ask to be put here into any of it, and one of your main jobs as a parent, there are a lot but this is a pretty big one, is to make sure your child always, ALWAYS knows that they are loved despite all the pain, and struggle, and mistakes, and bad judgment. This is why mother's of serial killers can still say they love their child because that is your job as a parent to love your child no matter what. Unconditional love. You created this thing, you carried it, you brought it into this world, you have a connection with it that NO ONE else has or will ever have with it, it is your job to love it, and you should WANT to. If your mother doesn't love you, that is a defect with HER, not you. Wolfie can't see that. All he can see is, "Why didn't I ever deserve to be loved?" And it's utterly heartbreaking. There is no being good enough, there is no changing yourself to change her. She has to change all on her own. And I don't see it happening because he's tried many times with her, and every massive breakdown he's ever had has been triggered by her. Which... I suspect happened the last time he left as well, something happened wiry her. You might be asking yourself, if a person triggers you this hard that it could completely destroy your life, why not just completely break all contact with her? He tried. He left the fucking country, changed his number, blocked her on everything. He did the right thing. Unfortunately, she always got to him through his aunt, her sister. Wolfie is very close to his aunt, he always said she was the mom he should've had, she's been very kind to him. But no one else in his family knows what his mother has done/still does to him. So when he cuts her off, she gets his aunt, and his cousin to reach out for her, and encourage him to speak to her. Because they don't know ant better. Why didn't he ever just tell them? Interestingly, Cheshire had a similar situation recently where he opened up to a chunk of his family about one person therein particular abusing him as a kid to the reaction of... basically them not really acknowledging it. And it's difficult because if you learned from one family member you care about that they were beyond a major abusive asshole to another, how would you react? Would you even react? Me personally, if one of my nephew's approached me to tell me that my sister had intentionally harmed him in any way, "She beats me with brooms/pans, and regularly tells me I shouldn't be eating because I'm not worth the food," ya know... I'd be grabbing my broom, and heading over to her house for a little broomchat. But that's just me. I'm an insanely confrontational person, and most people aren't. For most people, if something doesn't directly affect their person in some way, they don't acknowledge it because they don't want the negativity on them, they don't want their own life disrupted in any way so sweep, sweep away under the rug, never happened. And it was very difficult for Cheshire to open up so I can only imagine how hard it is for Wolfie. So he's just kinda stuck in this really shitty situation. Or he was when he had his huge breakdown. Like I said, I don't know where he's been or what he's been doing, but I do genuinely hope he did go somewhere to get some help, and that maybe eventually he'll feel good enough to reach out to me even if not for a relationship, just because despite everything I do care about him a lot simply as a person. I'm not angry, and I don't hate him because he doesn't deserve that. I think he did what was right in leaving because he obviously needed to work on himself, a lot of work, and it's difficult to be in a relationship with a person while trying to build yourself because you constantly have to take this other person into consideration. Sometimes to fix yourself you need to run solo, and as the pieces start coming together maybe you slowly start adding people back in. Has he hurt me? Absolutely. But I don't think it was intentional. I think, if anything, he was genuinely convinced that he would never be able to make me happy, and I'd be better off cut loose where I could find that happiness. Maybe he'll come back, and tell me I'm a big fucking idiot, and he was chaotic evil all along, pull some Red Wizards of Thay shit. I mean, are the Red Wizards of Thay really chaotic evil? Probably not, probably more neutral evil, depends on which one you're looking at. Neutral Evil is more like, hey, I'm gonna be evil because it suits my purposes and self-interests whereas chaotic evil is like, I don't fucking care about anything, I'm fucking shut just to fuck it whether it brings me personal pleasure or not. Think Animated Series Joker vs Dark Knight Joker. Animated series Joker is always scheming for money and material possessions, he is often times seen wreaking havoc because he has something to gain from it. Whereas Dark Knight Joker just wants to prove that good, and righteousness, and self-sacrifice don't truly exist, and that any so-called shining person can easily be brought down to his level with minimum effort. He's there to make a point, but in no way does this point benefit him so that, in my opinion, is far closer to chaotic.
The random places my brain takes off to xD
But somehow... I don't think that's the case. But a year later, I survived. I hope he did too. I hope he makes it back. If not, I sincerely hope he finds healing.
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10:03 Apr 07 2024
Times Read: 608


One of the names Cheshire regularly calls me...
Polish-20240407-040918518
Dollface💗
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01:07 Apr 06 2024
Times Read: 663


Polish-20240405-190547956
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20:25 Apr 05 2024
Times Read: 714


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It's not even Twilight at this point, it's like a bad low budget backseat van Twilight porno ripoff... except no body's getting banged anymore💀
If that confused you too, good xD
Wolfie vs Cheshire... I mean, physically Wolfie would absolutely destroy him, but he's a highly trained, and practiced martial artist. I think Cheshire mentioned something to me about martial arts once... But I don't think it's something he's ever really been super into like Wolfie was. Now obviously they'd have no reason to fight, one of them willfully left me, I'm fair game. But also even if Wolfie did come back I would personally think he should thank Cheshire for being there, and trying to keep me stable through all this. In fact, Cheshire has taken up for Wolfie on many occasions, he's even encouraged me to go after him because... he just wants me to be happy. He's actually a pretty stellar friend. So there literally is no, and would never be a rivalry between them, especially with one of them currently MIA, but the wolf vs vampire thing is funny.
I'm still trying to figure out which Greek God Cheshire would be... I don't know why, but he gives me a Hermes vibe. Maybe it's just a Lore Olympus thing xD
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What's my opinion of Cheshire as a vampire... It's weird because he, and I have been friends for a long time, and I never really took the Vampire thing very seriously or maybe I just didn't know how serious he is about it. He relates it to BDSM, it's just a series of personal lifestyle preferences and choices so I get it. It's interesting. Like he was explaining to me, because he does piercings, you can use a piercing needle instead of biting someone which will leave little marks instead of a horrific bite wound. I guess I've never really thought of anyone drinking my blood before so I'm like xD Not that he's asked me for blood, according to him he prefers to have a more intimate relationship with his donor, much like a Dom/sub relationship, some people will kneel for literally anyone, somebprefer it to be a bit more special. Although apparently... women offer him their blood ALL the time🙄 Which I don't doubt because Cheshire is ridiculously hot, but it's just like, ladies... caution is advised. It's like when I see people advertising, "I wanna get into BDSM, but I know absolutely nothing about it, please train me," look... you don't know whose hands you're going to land in. Maybe a proper Dom who will train you correctly. But more likely you'll either end up with a person with also zero experience who probably ends up unintentionally hurting you or even worse you end up with a sadistic, abusive monster who uses BDSM as a cover to be a major asshole, and deliberately hurt you. You're putting all your trust into someone who can easily do you great harm, but also teach you that, that harm is normal in the lifestyle. It's not. And that's fucking scary. If you wanna get into BDSM then I'll tell you the exact thing Wolfie told me the first day many years ago: "Do your research." And that doesn't mean binging sadism porn or reading 50 Shades of Bullshit. There are resources out there, good resources, you just have to find them, absolutely do not put yourself out there on a silver platter. And from what I hear from Cheshire, vampirism is very similar. Many different ways to be a vampire or to live that lifestyle, but unfortunately also a lot of idiots or sadists who get into it for the wrong reasons. And I'm sure there are a lot of vampire Dom/sub couples. I would think so anyway, they seem like they'd go well together. Not that Cheshire's a Dom, I know. He always tells me he's much more dominant in person, and in my experience... people can, and often do vary wildly in person vs on the phone/online. I've met several guys in person from online, and despite initially getting the vibe that these guys were really chill, and interesting online, in person they were simultaneously major assholes yet super bland/boring. Like my ex always acted in person like I was lucky to have him there with me because he could be anywhere else with anyone. Turns out he was with anyone, and everyone, including farm animals so you just never fully know about people until they're in front of you.
And by ex I don't mean Wolfie obviously. I could never call Wolfie my ex. Wolfie is... Wolfie.
Honestly though... looking back on it, maybe I was wrong about my ex. Because he definitely was not attractive enough to be pulling in all the bitches I thought he was. Yeah, he obviously cheated on me, his wife, and his second wife. But now thinking about it clearly, I definitely don't think he had many women in his pocket, not nearly all the women I thought anyway, and I'm pretty sure any women I did think were hot after him were, in fact, just him xD Because he pops up on here occasionally under a variety of female profiles to talk shit like a little bitch, like I'm supposed to not know it's him. So hey, maybe I do actually owe him somewhat of an apology. Because it's hilarious that I ever thought he had so many women after him xD Like why, who wants that? Omg, I'm a fucking idiot, who ever allows me to run my own brain xD Don't get me wrong, he's still an abusive, cheating piece of shit. But like... his avatar on here is presumably him with his wife, I don't fucking know her so I don't fucking know, but every time he pops up in my dashboard it makes me giggle to myself like... dammmmnnn, THAT'S what I missed out on, and THAT'S what he picked over me xD I'm just gonna go cry so many hot girl tears over all that sad, and overweight and mediocre I narrowly missed out on😭
He told me once he does that, looks in on me here where I'll notice, to show me he's still thinking about me, and he still cares.
Bud. It ain't gonna happen. Stahp💀

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06:22 Apr 05 2024
Times Read: 738


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20:53 Apr 03 2024
Times Read: 776


power-chainsaw-man
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08:50 Apr 03 2024
Times Read: 800



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05:54 Apr 03 2024
Times Read: 841


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You should probably never tell the hot sub girl that you're delicate...
Unless you want her to ride your ass about it forever😈
Don't worry, Cheshire, I'd be gentle...
No I fucking wouldn't xD
He's always telling me how dominant he is. Not a Dom, just that he's dominant. So of course, me being me, the natural pain in the ass that I am... I gotta occasionally give him major shit, push his buttons, try to bring that dominant out of him. So far, ain't seen any dominant. Just a lotta submissive. And there's nothing wrong with being submissive. It certainly doesn't mean all subs are actually weak-willed shrinking violets, I'm an obvious exception to that. Submissive men don't personally make me tingly, but that's just me.

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00:27 Apr 02 2024
Times Read: 904


Beauty-Plus-20240401180922337-save-1
If you're like me with the eternal struggle of blonde vs redhead...
Do it~
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Cadrewolf2
Cadrewolf2
00:38 Apr 02 2024

Looks Great





 

22:28 Apr 01 2024
Times Read: 926



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11:34 Apr 01 2024
Times Read: 973


Cheshire may be a vampire, but... I am something far darker...
Far deadlier...
Far more sinister...
Because I am...
A Yandere🔪💗🎀
He doesn't understand exactly what that means.
Let us all pray he never finds out xD
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MisterSacrifice
MisterSacrifice
16:33 Apr 01 2024

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