The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

†I TEND JUMP WHEN I'M HYPER, CRY WHEN MY HEART GETS TORN INTO PIECES, AND GO INSANELY CRAZY WHEN I CANT TAKE SHIT ANYMORE! I'M LIKE EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD! I HAVE FEELINGS TOO! JUST BECAUSE I LIKE VAMPYRES AND LISTEN TO ROCK MUSIC ALL THE TIME AND WEAR GOTHIC/EMO/PUNK CLOTHES AND ACT LIKE A TOTAL SILLYASS IDIOT IN PUBLIC DOESNT MEAN I DONT HAVE FEELINGS JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! PEOPLE THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE I'M THE WAY I AM I CAN HANDLE ALL THIS SHIT THATS GOING ON IN MY LIFE BUT DEEP DOWN IT HURTS! EVEN THOUGH I LIKE PAIN SOMETIMES THE KIND OF PAIN I FEEL MAKES ME NUMB AND ITS ONE OF THE MOST HORRIBLE FEELINGS IN THE WORLD!†

After our phone conversation and me pouring my heart out to you...I cried. After I hung up with you I cried in my grandparents' room. I wiped my tears away, set the phone on the charger, and walked out back. I sat on the futon and curled up into a ball and cried harder until I couldn't control it and started choking. My stomach started hurting and I knew it was the baby, so I tried to calm down. I rubbed my stomach and told my baby that it was going to be ok and that you have to be strong and hold on for mommy. I was so scared, so I stumbled into the house and pretended everything was ok so no one would ask questions. I went into the bathroom, got my towel, and started the shower. As I got undressed and brushed my hair, I got in. I tried to relax and hold back the tears but I couldn't. I leaned up against the tile wall in the shower and cried until I just slid down the wall because I felt weak. I sat there, cold and naked in the bathtub, crying. The water falling down on me and trickling down to my toes. I sat there, my legs curled up until i was almost in a ball and my hands on my head, still crying. I looked up at the ceiling with sore eyes and said, "Please God if you exist I need you to help me, please just help me if you're real!" I don't really have a religion and I'm not sure what I believe in anymore, but I didn't know what else to do. I was desperate! So I sat there a little while longer, shaking. Until finally, I got the strength to get back up. I finished my shower, got out, and got dressed. After that I called Brooke and talked to her for a bit..and then that's when I called YOU. Once again, you didn't fail to make me cry. Oh did I mention that when I was in the shower I pulled alot of hair out of my head from all the stress and hurt that you're putting me through? Too much stress and I could lose this baby forever. I am sorry for anything that I have done to make you treat me like this...I just wish you could be the man that you were 2 months ago again. Ok, I pecked a girl on the lips...she didn't mean anything like that to me. I did it for the hell of it and I'm sorry. But, just for that I didn't deserve what you went and did! I didn't deserve you going and changing into an asshole because you thought I should realize what I had when I had it. I loved you with all my heart and with all my soul. I gave you everything I possibly could have given you and this is the thanks I get. All I want is to know why. What did I do so wrong to deserve this. I am your girlfriend and a woman who loves you and who is pregnant with our child. I don't deserve this and neither does the baby. Why? Why? Why?

Right now I think that if there is a God then he must really hate me. He has done nothing but make my life hell since birth. Its like I was cursed the day I was born. I was born to an acoholic teenage mom. She was raped by my stupidass father. She did alot of things that alot of people werent proud of. Not trying to down her really bad but she hurt me alot mentally my whole life. When I was little my mom would go to bars and drink and stay out till 3-4 in the morning. When she would come home I would be in the bedroom coloring because I couldnt go to sleep and because I knew that I would have to take care of her. I was about 3 or 4 when I realized everything she was doing. Can you imagine a 3 or 4 year old holding back their drunk moms hair while she pucked in a bucket, rubbing her head with a warm washrag and telling her it would be ok. I saw my mom go out with alot of assholes that druged her, beat her, raped her, and mentally tortured her on a daily basis and I saw alot of it. I always cried and begged her to stop and realize what she was putting me through and what she was putting herself through. When I got a little bit older...when I was 7 I was malested by my once step uncle. My mom's ex-husbands brother malested me about 5 times in one day. It was torture for me and I was scared. It hurt to go to the bathroom and I would lay on the bathroom floor and cry until I would choke. I went through 2 years of counseling and that barely helped. When I got about 10 years old I started to become suicidal. I was slitting my wrists with the ends if earrings, knives, really anything that was sharp. I put a knife to my heart once in front of three of my friends and almost killed myslef...but one of my friends was brave enough and loved me enough to stop me. My mom found out what I was doing when I was almost 11. There were times when she would go through my room and take everything sharp out of it and hide it. So I didnt get to wear earrings for awhile. When I was 12 and 13 years old I started drinking and smoking weed on a daily basis. Of course I was still cutting and hoping to die. I started to get into rock music and emo music and marilyn manson. My parents were drinking all the time...every single night (thats where i got the alcohol) and then they would fight and argue. They would throw things and hit stuff, punch holes in the wall and everything. I would just go in my room, turn the radio on and cut. I would cry and scream until I either couldnt breath or I lost my voice. There was one time i'll never forget...the time my parents were argueing and my mom threw all the glass dishes off the counter in the kitchen and grabbed a knife and slit her wrist right in front of me. I started crying and screaming cause I didnt know what to do. I ran to my granparents house across the street and they called 911. My mom was then diagnosed with bipolar. When I was 14 I started going to school again after 3 years of not being in school because of where I lived. Where I lived was a really bad neighborhood, multiple people were getting killed everyday just right around the corner, the schools were getting shut down and it was 99% black and mexican people that went to the school district I was in. They called the school the school with no walls. YEah weird. Anyway I started school. Well then my whole teenage life just fell apart. I was involved in an illegal sexual act with a boy i thought I loved. Then I met this amazing guy who I fell in love with so quick. His name is Ronnie and we have been through quite alot together already. Well I lost my virginity to him and so far he is the only guy I have had sex with and I'm pretty proud of that because now I know im not a whore. Anyway the day I lost my "v" card was the day I got pregnant with the most precious baby in the world. For once I felt like everything would finally turn out right and that everything would finally be ok. Well my world came crashing down on July 30th at 7 am when I ran to the bathroom and blood was everywhere. I knew I lost it. I cried and cried and I'm still crying. I lost the very thing that I thought would make my life better. Well as of today my mother wants me to break up with my bf Ronnie. She has nothing to do with him now. But I wont break up with him just becasue she wants me to. I'm going to see him whether she likes it or not. I love him so much and he loves me too and I had a child once with him. I am just so torn up and hurt and devestated that it is unreal.



Now you all know my life story. Now I dont have to explain shit to you people if you ask me why I am the way I am. Well heres your proof. I am so sick and tired of people thinking " oh you have such a good life, oh your parents are awesome, oh you are so amazing and you act so cool, oh your so mature for your age." Shit the only reason I am mature is because of all the shit I have been through. It has taught me not to make the same mistakes my mom made. Oh and in case you're wondering..I have never met my real dad..he didnt know about me until this past christmas when my mom called his cousin and his cousin told him about me. I still havent seen him or talked to him and quite frankly if the basterd doesnt have the balls to see me or get to know me then he's not worth my time.



Well there you go...so shut up if you dont think i have it hard. DO NOT feel sorry for me or give me your self pitty because I dont need it. I have made it this far without it and I dont need it now. It would be nice to feel loved and cared about but to me love is a lie anymore.....being cared for is just a favor people give you because they feel sorry for you. If you want love from me you'll have to work awfully damn hard to get it.