Honor: 144 [ Give / Take ]
45 entries this month
23:44 Feb 27 2022
Times Read: 145
I have a new favorite perfume...
I've meant to smell this every time I went into Ulta for months now, and always got sidetracked by the YSL and Gucci. Which... Gucci Flora also smells amazing, and I'll be getting that next time. But I wanted to give this one a go first. So I got the travel size to test it because things usually smell really good in store, but then the scent can be different later actually wearing it on you for awhile. I'm already in love with this one though, I'm definitely getting the full size. It's interesting because Mugler makes one that's just called Alien, but I really didn't like the smell of it. Alien Goddess though, it's amazing, I can't stop smelling myself xD
The Universe wants me to work at Ulta. Every time I go in there people approach me, and start asking me questions like I work there xD Like today some lady came up, and said, "Do you guys sell Dyson hairdryers?" Uh... well, I don't work here so xD And I thought maybe it was because I always have my makeup done nicely when I go in, but I haven't worn makeup at all in the last month, I wasn't wearing any today so I guess I just look like I should be working there. I wouldn't mind it if there was one closer. I was thinking that if I get my license then maybe I could get a little motorbike. I don't really want a full sized car, I just need a little something for myself, mostly to get to, and from work. But I will need to get my license so that's a new goal. It's not that I've given up on Wolfie or anything, obviously I still love him more than anything, I want us together, but Wolfie is... being Wolfie. I understand that there's a lot of shit going down in Russia, but I've been telling him for months to get out. He picked pretty much the exact worst time to go back. So I dunno when he'll be back. I don't really know much of what's going on there at all, he just tells me the situation is really bad. And he's got a lot of family there so I understand he's extremely stressed, and I'm not the kinda girl who would make anyone choose me over their family. Maybe he just needs to be there right now. I'm not upset with him. I'd like a little more clear communication, but whatever, as long as he's ok then I can handle myself. Wolfie says the people in Russia really don't want another war, that they've already lost so much. It's really sad. And he's there, and I'm here, and the whole world is about to blow up. What if I never see him again? I don't know if I can handle that.
I'm pretty exhausted though. Yesterday at work was killer. We were so busy all fuckin day, and it was my first 8 hour day in awhile. They're giving a raise though :3 And after next week my hours will be doubled so my paycheck will be doubled. I wanted to play my game all day today, but I had errands to run. But I don't have to be at work til 4 tomorrow so I can stay up late, and make some progress❤
08:37 Feb 27 2022
Times Read: 195
I do feel like Elden Ring suffers from some progression issues. It's great being set loose on a gorgeous world full of secrets to unfold, things to craft, creatures to ruthlessly murder, but... I'm incredibly intrigued with the lore. What is actually happening in this world? And to figure that out you need direction, you need to follow the story. It's hard to follow when you don't know where it is xD Souls games are notoriously obscure when it comes to the big reveal, you generally have to do a lot of digging, and piece things together as you go. There's no npc in any Souls game that sits you down, and explains exactly what's happening. You get a little bit from everyone you meet, the rest you have to figure out yourself through item descriptions, and things scattered in the world. But there's still a natural line of progression. Sure, you can go straight to the catacombs in Dark Souls, but chances are you're gonna run right back out after you get killed by an endlessly respawning skeleton, you're going to realize that was the bad way to go. You're going to realize, oh, the game told me to Ring the bells, that's where I need to go. Where does Elden Ring tell you to go? It does tell you to head towards the castle on the cliff. There's a boss there, he's a big jerk. I feel like sending you off to fight him at a level 18 is a bad thing, game. I tried to beat him with my dagger, didn't work. I think I could take him with my scythe, but I haven't tried yet. Instead I headed South to the castle there which is very low level friendly, the boss there is much easier. But there was nothing that told me to go South, I just happened to wander down there after very mistakenly going Northeast. We don't go Northeast... There are bad, bad things there. Very large, terrible things. The Southern Castle though, Morne Castle, I believe, is very appropriate for lower levels. But there's not really much there that explained anything worldly. You find a sword there, a "Grafted" sword so obviously this whole Grafting thing is an important thing in the world, but what is it, what does it mean?
I will say, I got some very real painted world vibes from the Northeast. The world is rotting in that direction, and there are giant crows around. Knowing how important crows were to Dark Souls I can't understand why they would make them so prominent in this game if there's no connection. The same thing with names. Ok, so in Dark Souls 3 you meet an npc named Eygon of Carim, and his weapon is Morne's Great Hammer. Now get this... In Elden Ring before you get to Morne's Castle you come across a blind girl named Irina. In Dark Souls 3 Eygon is traveling with a blind girl named IRINA. Blind girls named Irina with a Morne connection. Granted in the Morne's Great Hammer description it says it was named after an apostle, you still have to admit that's super intriguing. There are all these little things that my Dark Souls obsessed brain is picking up on, and they have to be intentional. But I can also see some Bloodborne in Elden Ring too. Apparently there's a Lord of Blood out there somewhere, I'm looking forward to meeting them. But because the world is so huge, and I have next to no direction it's difficult figuring out where to go. Exploration is great though. I came across a lake where an npc told me very sternly not to go near it because there was a dragon there. So obviously... I head straight there. And I see no dragon. Until a freaking dragon literally almost lands on me xD
I gotta say, for such a majestic beast, it was kinda blind...
And the npcs are great, that's another thing that Souls games do very well, they have great npcs so having a world full of them with such a variety... I've met a talking pot, and a half sheepman that was turned into a tree, it's pretty great. So I can totally get behind the free exploration thing, I'd just really like to know, storywise, what this world is, what I am, why I'm there. The game tells you to become the Elden Lord. Well, what is the Elden Lord? Maybe I don't wanna be the Elden Lord. You get the opportunity to make your own choice in a lot of seemingly trivial decisions, the game is giving you free will. You can say no to a lot of people. Some douchebag asked me if I, "Walked the path of straight and true," or some garbage like that. I don't even know what that means yet. Your divine shit might be garbage, maybe I don't want to side with them. It's like in Dark Souls when the whole game keeps telling you the right thing to do is link the flame. But that's wrong. The right thing to do is to go dark, become the fuckin Dark Lord, fuck burning yourself alive for some bullshit lords whose time has far beyond expired. So I'm wondering what the ending to this will be, if siding with the "two fingers", whoever the fuck they are, is the right thing.
But we'll get there❤
04:56 Feb 26 2022
Times Read: 251
That moment you finally find your soulmate...
Oh yes, they're all fucked now😈
03:14 Feb 26 2022
Times Read: 276
Ah, yes... I remember those couple of months I was actually trying to save up money...
What a terrible fucking idea xD
Told ya I'd get those boots eventually, and getting them for $62 is pretty bitchin💗
I am feeling motivated to get my license though, maybe get a car. Yeah, I'm just kinda tired of being pushed to the back of everything all the fucking time, pretty over this whole constantly being let down thing. I can be fine on my own❤
I had an unfortunately unpleasant interaction with a buyer earlier. She wanted to buy several of my items, $544 worth in total, and she offered me $300 for them. After fees I would make $240 for $544 worth of stuff... So I wasn't terribly keen on taking her offer. But I figured, I'll counter her $350, let the Fates decide. And she messages me to tell me I must have changed my prices since she made her offer, basically accusing me of raising my prices after making her an offer so she told me she didn't have much faith in me, and didn't know if she wanted to buy from me. To which I replied... You very unreasonably made me an offer of 45% off... And I was extremely generous in even entertaining giving you a counter offer instead of simply declining altogether, but your faith in me, and your business is not needed here, good day, madame♡
That's me trying to put it nicely xD Because I don't want to get banned from another place. Honestly, the balls of these people to want nearly 50% off then to accuse me of anything, yep, that's sure going to win me over. Call me a liar while asking for a handout, cool, great technique.
The joke's on her because while she was being a huge faithless whore I was working out a deal with someone else, someone A LOT friendlier, who bought like 3/4s of the items she wanted anyway... Once again, the Universe has my back❤
01:03 Feb 26 2022
Times Read: 294
I have pizza, and ice cream, and my game❤
Yeah, it doesn't take much to make me happy xD
I did finally hear from Wolfie. "Things are really bad." I have no idea what the fuck that means, and he apparently doesn't feel the need to elaborate. Is it his depression? Is it the shit that's going down in Russia? Is it more family drama? Who fucking knows. I'm not going to sit here, and drive myself crazy worrying about it. Wolfie tends to be a bit... dramatic. I mean, his issues are real, his trauma is real, I get that, but he tends to get overstressed, and overwhelmed. It's best to just let him handle whatever the problem is, and carry on with my own shit until he gets back. At least I know he's ok...ish.
And I hate to say it, but Elden Ring may be too big. It's just a lot. Like... a lot. I played all day, and only beat the mechanical cat boss so far. I've spent most of the rest of my time blindly running around the world. Somehow at one point I ended up on the other side of the map, like far right corner, and shit is pretty real there xD And I gotta say... I can't find a proper weapon for the life of me. As Bandit class you start with the Great Knife(yes, I'm wondering if that's a Silent Hill reference)which isn't terrible, the bleed damage is actually helping quite a bit, but I'd prefer a scythe, I'm more comfortable with the range of a scythe compared to a dagger, but I'm not finding one. I refuse to look it up, but the world is huge, I... don't even know what I'm doing. Who am I, why am I here, where is my damn scythe xD
10:22 Feb 25 2022
Times Read: 334
It's magnificent. Like, I can't even describe how good it is. It's Dark Souls, but more than Dark Souls. I can definitely understand why this game took so long to be released because it is so much, and FromSoftware doesn't release halfassed games. A lot of people would say Dark Souls 2 was halfassed, but I disagree. It's still a great game, I just think it strayed too far from the first one, from the main storyline. The point of Dark Souls 2, in my experience, is to show you that eons later, kingdoms later, many, many, many characters later, the cycle is still going, Souls are still being recycled, the biggest Souls still becoming the most powerful enemies, the fire fading just to eventually reignite, it happens many multiple times over a vast amount of time. Honestly, the point of DS2 is to show you that it doesn't matter what choice you make, let the flame fade or keep it going, the cycle will go on regardless. It actually doesn't show you making a choice in the end, and I think that fits the theme of the whole game, it doesn't fuckin matter. And I guess I can see why that pisses some people off, why they don't like DS2, why play a game where your choices don't matter, where you don't even get to choose at the end?
I will say this. I love that the world is so open, you're free to choose your path, go wherever you want to go. True to any Souls game, it literally tells you when you make it outside, "Hey, you should head towards that castle on the cliff." And it's very important to go in that direction so you can meet with the npc who will become your leveling up waifu. But. Naturally, I decide, fuck you game, I'm going the opposite direction, and head towards the sea xD So I Kill the giant, and a couple monsters, and some random dude who stands up, and attacks me, and suddenly it hits me, hey, waitaminute... I can't level up, how do I level up, where is my level up lady? Because every game has a girl you talk to, to level up. And there I was, an hour into the game, gathering runes, no idea how to level myself. So... Yeah, the game explicitly told me the direction I should go, the direction that does lead to her, but with so much to explore, and honestly her spot is pretty random, it's in a fuckin field with no real reason for her to show up there. I love the obscurity that these games have, but that's a little much of the game to expect from you, that in this wide world you're going to go exactly there instead of, I dunno, the catacombs or the fortress because you see it's Gate gaping open, almost beckoning you to go inside, and look around, all of that before you even get to the point where she spawns in. I'm just saying, if you're a Souls game veteran then you know what you're getting into, you know these games love to fuck with you, you sign up for it, but if you've never played a Souls game I can see people easily giving up because they can't figure out how to level up, and it's not transparent. The game is giving people too much credit, most people are dumb, they need their hand to be held, they don't understand that this is not that type of game xD It kicks your ass straight out of the door. For real, if you head towards the water there's a goddamn giant down there. He's not particularly difficult to kill, and he's good practice for dodging, but still, that's the first thing you might see after that spider thing kills you, or you run into that asshole on horseback, and for a fleeting moment you start to think that every enemy is that big. But that's one of my favorite parts of Bloodborne when you first talk to Gerhman, and he's basically like, "You're a hunter... Hunter's hunt. So get your ass out there, go kill some shit." It's great, it's so vague, it gives you nothing. And Elden Ring is pretty much the same way. So far I've learned that there's some big spider, and people are allowing their arms/legs/heads to be cut off, and something called The Grafting. And uh, some divine presence called Two Fingers. Now I think that's very interesting because obviously, Dark Souls 3, Fingers of Rosaria. If ER is not connected to DS then I think they've made some very poor design, and naming choices. Why make it sound like it could be connected to Dark Souls at all, why make it look so similar if there's absolutely no correlation, if you could have done everything much differently? Like yeah, they're both set in a sort of medieval Era theme, but it's too similar. But I guess you could say the same thing about Demon's Souls, why make Dark Souls so similar in aesthetic, and story if they're meant to be completely separated from each other?
But it is fantastic so far. It's everything I love about these games❤
05:24 Feb 25 2022
Times Read: 361
Elden Ring is literally Dark Souls.
I'm not mad about that.
I'm just like... But this is literally Dark Souls, why didn't you just make another Dark Souls xD
I am mad though. I didn't see an option for pigtails...
I also really didn't like any of the classes. The most rogue type class with the highest Dex was labeled "Warrior." That's just fucking insulting, game...
20:12 Feb 24 2022
Times Read: 399
Here he is, my beautiful two-headed dragon plush🖤💚
Which brings my Kreepture collection up to 4.
So now they're doing baby Kreeptures. And it's funny because they're still charging $30 for them so you're getting a half-size plush for full price... The one they released today was Baby Cthulhu which I might pick up if it's still around by the next sale. I'm not desperate to collect them all, mostly because a lot of them aren't even cute, and people buy them just to charge $100+ for them. Yeah, I'll pass on a $600 plushie, thanks. I keep hoping they'll do a re-release of Cerberus in a different color. Red or pink would be nice❤
I also got this little bit of gorgeousness, the To Dust Dress in red, and boy is it fucking red...
It's perfect for Spring❤
I go to work in a couple hours. I have a feeling it's going to drag tonight...
05:43 Feb 24 2022
Times Read: 436
I'm working tomorrow. I guess my coworker was trying to take tomorrow from me because we alternate working Thursdays, and every Thursday she was supposed to work we got really bad snow so they didn't even open. So she had mentioned that to the owner, that she wasn't getting the hours she was supposed to, and she's also not going to be there at all on Saturday so that's another shift I'm getting that she's not, so she said if I needed a day off she'd be happy to work tomorrow for me. Uh huh... I don't really though. The owner said it was up to me whether I wanted to work or not. My boss said I absolutely do not have a choice, I'm working, end of discussion xD He prefers working with me, and I know what you're gonna say, wouldn't most men rather have a cute, bubbly, pigtailed blonde next to them rather than a cranky, 60 year old lady? It's one thing if it's like a sweet, grandmothery type, but she's pretty grouchy and unpleasant, and according to everyone else she hasn't really been doing anything. She comes in, immediately makes herself something to eat, plays on her phone, and talks to people while she should be working. Like, the owner doesn't mind if we have a break to eat or check our phones, and talking to people is part of the job, being friendly to customers. Like I've said, the owner literally has no eyeballs so my boss is the one who watches us, and he doesn't care if I'm phone as long as there aren't other things to do. I'd everything is clean, and stocked, and the place is dead, I can be on my phone all I like because he's also on his constantly watching YouTube xD So he doesn't care. But she'll do it while we have customers or she'll disappear into the back room for an hour when they get super busy. And I've personally noticed she doesn't stock anything anymore. Before I leave I like to make sure everything is ready for the meet day for whoever comes in, either myself or her. But she doesn't. She did when I first started working there, but now that I've taken over literally doing everything it's like she doesn't even try anymore. Which I get it, she's older, but if you're going to have a job, and want more hours, maybe actually try doing your fucking job, lady. I mean, I like her as a person, but as a coworker... nah. So obviously my boss likes having me there instead because I work. It'll be interesting when we hire someone new soon. Because they want me to train them, not her. Kind of insulting towards her xD But I just do things better. And I didn't deliberately try to take her hours or anything, I even told the owner that if it's going to cause any drama or if she thinks it's unfair then she can work tomorrow because it's not worth drama to me especially since we go back to full time next week. Like if you need the four extra hours that bad then take them. But that's the other thing, she tends to leave 1-2 hours early whenever she's on shift anyway. Yeah, when it's dead it sucks to sit there, it's boring, but it also means I get paid for sitting on my ass, playing on my phone until someone comes in so... I don't ever leave early. And she's getting all her teeth yanked on Saturday, and having $30,000 replacements put in so she keeps saying she needs more hours, she needs more money. So stop fucking leaving early. But as far as I know, I'm working tomorrow. But I am not working Friday. So 24 hours from now I will be on Elden Ring, probably all fucking night. And I haven't done that with a game in a long time. I actually have specifically not looked into any early game play, or speculations or theories or anything, I want to go in 100% blind. Well, I did peek at the early look at classes, bit I didn't really see a solid rogue type so I'm anxious to see what that'll be. I did also see that Patches would be making an appearance. But that's all I've seen. Fuck the guide, we don't open that until after the first playthrough. I hope it's difficult. I feel like Dark Souls 3 was not as hard as it should have been, and I get it, most people are whiney bitches who need a difficulty setting set to baby mode, but I want it to completely destroy me, and make me beg for more. A proper Souls game is exactly like amazing sex, it pulls you by the hair, spanks you hard, and chokes you, but it also gets you there❤
19:05 Feb 23 2022
Times Read: 476
I couldn't tell you the last game that came out that I actually gave a shit about. It might have been Dark Souls 3 xD Has it really been that long since I've long awaited a good game? Gaming releases in the past couple years have been about 98% garbage. And I am kinda picky... I don't do the yearly Call of Duty, Assassin's Creed, Elder Scrolls boring, repetitive junk. You could argue that Souls games are also repetitive, but... They're storyline fascinating, and challenging, and gorgeous so ya know. I'm just like on edge to see how Dark Souls it is because I want it to be it's own thing, but... I wouldn't kick it outta bed for being another Dark Souls as long as it lives up to the legacy🖤
My cat is just watching me like, "What the fuck are you so excited about, let's go back to bed."
08:27 Feb 23 2022
Times Read: 506
03:24 Feb 23 2022
Times Read: 526
Let me to play game nowwww.
Back to Neverwinter Nights for now.
It's funny. If you save your character, and go to replay the main campaign at like level 14 Shadowdancer, the game tries to compensate for your higher level by spawning in about 30 enemies every time you turn a corner. But I have my Summoned Epic Shadow Lord so I'll be poking around, looting shit, and suddenly I'll just hear the screams of 30 guys dying in agony xD Because they literally can't hit him so it's just a huge slaughter. There he goes again, killing everyone xD
I also didn't realize I'm immune to like... everything.
03:00 Feb 23 2022
Times Read: 543
Like I said.
Pink and spikey💗
18:03 Feb 22 2022
Times Read: 578
You know that scene in The Neverending story when Artax is sinking into the Swamp of Sadness, and Atrayu is shrieking at him to move because if he doesn't then he'll sink? That's exactly what loving someone with depression is like. You're walking along, and suddenly they stop, and they tell you they can't keep going, they can't do this, they can't keep living like this, they're too hurt, they're too empty, they're too sad, they give up. And no matter what you say or do they just won't move. No matter how much you love them, you can't pull them out. Sometimes you even want to yell at them because giving up on themselves feels like they're also giving up on you. You want to take it personally even though it's not, it's not their fault, it's just too much. You just have to watch them sink, hoping they'll pull themselves out.
Also. As a little girl who loved horses more than anything... Traumatized😐
07:06 Feb 22 2022
Times Read: 625
You have to admit Cloak of Deception sounds pretty badass xD
Move Silently +6
Open Lock +2
Invisibility (3 Uses/Day)
Only usable by: Rogue
I also ordered my two-headed green dragon plushie :3 Because KS is having a 2 day 22% off sale so... it just felt appropriate.
Although black dragons were always my favorite. Maybe they'll make a black version. Or a red. Or a pink😍
02:47 Feb 22 2022
Times Read: 663
Whhhhy must I have such a weakness for pink, spikey things...
I mean, they're only like $300, and I use a mini backpack for work every day. So... totally justified :3
Wolfie is MIA. Yeah, he's been gone a few days. But he's also been going through a major episode of depression for the last few weeks. So... It's not surprising. He could be gone for weeks, I just never know. It's hard because when things are good, when he's himself, we're so entwined with each other, and then he plummets into this cycle, and I have to handle myself until he pulls himself out of it. I'm always telling him, you just have to get back to me, and everything will be ok. But then I'll find myself asking myself, "Aiyana, how the fuck are you going to make this better?" I like to believe he's better around me, he tells me he is. But when he gets depressed like this there's absolutely nothing I can do, in person or not. It's something he has to get through on his own, and I hate that, I never want him to feel alone. He knows I'm here, he knows I love him. But unfortunately there is no cure for depression, and love ain't a magic pill that heals all your darkness and trauma. There are scars in him so deep... Really the only thing I can do is keep going, keep myself positive, keep doing my own thing.
My eye is clearing up really well. Work was pretty busy. I'm working a lot this week, and then next week we'll be open full-time again so I'll be working even more. It's good, it means more shoe, and dress, and mini backpack money xD My boss really spoils me, I was telling him that being a goth girl I need a black work shirt because all of their shirts are very brightly colored. I've also told him I will shamelessly wear a cute/slutty uniform xD But he ordered a black shirt just for me, the only person who has worked for him who he's ever gotten a black shirt for🖤
And I was really happy to see they expanded this into a proper game with a blonde haired, pigtailed, eyepatched, adorable Hastur ^^
Told ya they made this game for me💗
My oldest nephew, and a couple of his buddies came into the shop earlier, and one of them said something to me about, "Blahahblah, your brother here."
Ehhh... my brother?
Try again xD
Yeah, they meant my nephew. People always think my nieces, and nephews are my siblings. I love the look of astonishment I get when I tell everyone I'm 33 years old. I get a lot of, "But you look 16, 17, 18." Nah. And I used to think it was the makeup, but like I said, I haven't worn any in like a month now. So I just have a very naturally kawaii face :3
So then these 13 year old boys are asking me what I've got laying around that they could give their girlfriends for Valentine's Day xD
Uhhh, that was literally a week ago, my dudes, you should all be dumped on your asses. Which... my nephew, and his girlfriend actually did break up. Gee, who could have possibly predicted that... You're 13 years old, you're probably not going to date the woman you're going to marry in 6th grade, and even if you do you'll most likely be unhappy anyway from what I've witnessed. Why are we, from a young age, taught to rush to settle? In my almost mid-thirties, yeah, I feel like I have the right person in my life. In my mid-twenties I absolutely did not. There's time to find what's right for you. You don't need to live up to anyone's expectations, but your own. Because the people who are constantly rushing around always end up the most miserable. If being in your mid-thirties in an empty marriage where you're constantly seeking other people, with several kids attached to you, and your situation is paradise then that's fine, but it ain't mine. My paradise is my Wolfie in the kitchen, cooking us dinner, pouring me wine, telling me about his day while he sets the table, then leashing me for dessert.
But that's just me❤
21:30 Feb 21 2022
Times Read: 705
Wait, I've heard this one before xD
05:36 Feb 20 2022
Times Read: 761
I came home from work, and the antibiotics, and the Benadryl make me so sleepy all day so I settled in to play some Neverwinter Nights because I randomly felt like it, and made it about 30 minutes staring at the screen before I could barely keep my eyes open anymore. I really hope this shit is out of my system by the time Elden Ring comes out. If it's like any other Souls game them I'm gonna want to play like 18 hours straight the first day, and that's going to be difficult with a bum eye, but I'll still fuckin do it. Of course, next week is my extra hours week. I work Thursday next week, and I'm doing an 8 hour shift on Saturday. But that'll make up for the day off I had on Monday so my check won't suffer. They actually asked me if I'd be interested in doing all 8 hour shifts when they open back up full time in March. They've been doing half days all Winter, but they're going full time again February 28th I think so that'll be nice. I mean, I was hoping Wolfie would have been back by now, but Wolfie is being Wolfie so ya know. I have no control over him. Like I said before, I'm just gonna keep doing me, and I'll accept wherever the Universe wants to put me. He told me again a week ago, "Everything should be done this week." And now it's Sunday. I just kinda laugh when tells me that now, lol, ok, Wolfie xD He was supposed to be back here in June, went to Europe instead. Then could've come back here after that, went back to Russia instead. I'm kinda feeling like he's just getting further, and further away, I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up tomorrow, and he was in fuckin Thailand or Australia.
But yeah, working 8 hours a day instead of 4 isn't so bad, I've done it a few times covering for the guy who used to work there before he got fired. He actually asked my boss about getting his job back, and I was like, don't you dare hire back that unreliable douchebag. Besides, I saw he got a job somewhere else so... good luck to whoever has to cover for him constantly now. But my boss basically told me I could have all the hours I want once we're open all day again so that'll be nice.
There's something so satisfying about imagining the look on their face when they realize they, in fact, can no longer offer me anything because I've taken that privilege away from them like a spoiled child by blocking them. Bad idiot, you go to the corner now♡
Same item as yesterday. Yesterday someone basically demanded free shipping. Shipping on this is $10, btw, so uh yeah, no, not gonna eat that cost for you, bitch. Now this person wastes an entire day only to come to the conclusion that she needs $28 off the price. I wish people would just be up front with their bullshit, it would save us both a lot of time. If her opening statement to me had been that she was only willing to pay $60 on an item I have marked at $88 I would have simply told her no, and stopped the whole conversation. At least I was honest with her about the price, I should've told her it was worth $200 then she'd really think she was getting a deal which is all most people care about, feeling like they're getting one over on you, like they're somehow winning. Me, I'm just trying to clear shit out, but I am nowhere near interested in handing things out for less than they're worth to me.
There have been a few customers at my day job who I totally would've loved to just said, No♡, and walked away from them xD Unfortunately, I have to be more professional which really takes all the fun outta life. Forcing to me act like an adult, who do these people think they are? My brother called me earlier to tell me what my 3 year old niece had done. She looks exactly like I did as a kid, and when you tell her not to do something she says, "Ok," then smiles while looking directly at you, and does exactly what you told her not to do. He blames me for this behavior xD Wha- I mean, I didn't teach her that, it just comes naturally being extremely stubborn and bratty. It's a gift. You're welcome♡ My parents say she's me all over, the way she looks and acts. Of course, I'm favorite and best auntie to all my little minions, but especially her. She'll go into her room, grab two blankets, bring to me, and say, "Let's snuggle, and play Minecraft/watch tiny cooking." Which is a show literally about cooking in a tiny kitchen, it's pretty adorable, and strangely relaxing. It's interesting, I was never fated to be a mother in this life, but I'm surrounded by children who adore me nonetheless. She's probably the last though, the youngest, the last baby for awhile. So of course she's the troublemaker in my likeness♡
20:43 Feb 19 2022
Times Read: 798
Ya know, this could definitely be a fashion statement...
I don't hate it🖤
20:13 Feb 19 2022
Times Read: 815
19:42 Feb 19 2022
Times Read: 829
02:01 Feb 19 2022
Times Read: 888
And by fix I mean immediately block you, dumbass.
Congratulations. That's one of the most entitled messages I've ever received. Ya know, if she had asked me politely then I absolutely would have switched it to free shipping. But that shit is just ridiculous. That's no way to ask someone for something. Clearly whoever raised this person is an utter failure, and waste of human life.
But that's just my opinion♡
It's extremely unfortunate that so many people feel like this is the correct way to interact with one another. To throw attitude while asking for a handout. Like they're doing me a favor by taking it off my hands if I'll pay to ship it to them. Uh huh... Granted, this is an $80 item, but still, I'm charging less than retail. Maybe I took it easy on her, but I was recently banned from another app so... Yep, I was finally banned from somewhere because of my big mouth xD Honestly, I'm surprised it took it this long to happen. I try so very hard to be polite, to communicate positively, to be as helpful as possible. But... people fucking suck. I'm glad I deal with very few idiots in my day job, just the occasional moron wanting to argue with me about prices like I own the place.
My eye is healing nicely. The sunlight doesn't feel like a hot knife piercing my skull anymore. I can actually see the ulcer now, a tiny spot of white across the iris of my eye. Such a tiny thing causing so much chaos. Well it's only an eye, big deal. My coworker is getting her teeth pulled, and dental implants put in soon so she's already asking for time off. I told my boss, I've still come into work with a fucking hole in my eye, she can suck it up too xD But like I said, it doesn't really hurt. Occasionally there will be a sharp pain for about 10 seconds, but otherwise I don't really notice it. My sleep hallucinations have gotten more intense which I attribute to the antibiotics. I've always heard voices in my sleep, and they've gotten louder over the years, but a few nights ago I was laying in bed, and something flipped my blanket, and shook my bed. And it disturbed me so much so that I got up, turned on my nightlight, and went back to sleep xD This is how normal these things in my sleep are, I just turn on a light, and go back to bed. Of course there are some voices that tell me the light won't help me, and I swear I saw something coming, crawling up over the end of my bed once with the ceiling fan light on... It's really hard to tell what's real, and what's not with me, but it's always been like that. So it's hard to say whether something is the result of medication or not. I do really miss wearing makeup though. Since this whole thing with my face started I haven't put anything on my face. Usually daily the most I'll wear is eyeliner, eyeshadow, and mascara, and I definitely can't have any of that getting into my eye right now. Another reason I'm like, ya know... take all the time you need, beloved, you don't have to rush back, absolutely no pressure right now xD And Wolfie says to me, "Bun... even at less than 100% you're still the hottest woman in any room you walk into so stop worrying." Hmm... Ok, true, but still❤
This is literally how I feel xD
Overdramatic, maybe. My face is mostly clear now, but I still feel gross. And I haven't been exercising. And I've been eating entirely too much sugar. I need to pull it together.
Yeah... maybe next week🖤
01:23 Feb 17 2022
Times Read: 933
The dress of my Gothic princess dreams🖤
I love this design so much.
And here is my love posing for this gorgeous dress.
It certainly has a plunging v-neck... But I'm obviously not afraid of showing off the kittens❤
And here is the Fortune Teller hat.
I love the design, they also print it on a skirt, gloves, hoodie and bodysuit. I have the skirt, but I'd like to get the entire collection eventually.
And the two designs of the shirts.
Because cats and wolves🖤
That was $233 well spent, I love everything here. The brand, Restyle, is actually in Poland, so the shipping was $50, but it took less than a week to get here. So really their stuff isn't overly expensive, but the shipping can really get ya. But I don't mind paying that much for shipping if it's fast. I'll be more than happy to move to Europe considering most of the brands I shop are there. Wolfie says he has a friend who works in the fashion industry who could possibly help me with my business. He said he deals more in the fetish fashion industry... And I would totally be all about that xD Obviously I love fetish fashion so if it means I'd get to try on lots of new things... Yep, very into that idea. Wolfie has been really busy, and very depressed the last couple weeks. He keeps trying to get back, but then something else comes up. Like the stupid booster shot, they still haven't been able to give it to him. Then he was sick for a bit. Ever feel like the Universe is trying to keep you away from someone? Nothing can ever just be easy. I told him not to worry too much about it, not to feel pressured because I'm fine, bit he really wants to hug me, that's the first thing he always says when we talk about it, he just wants to hug me. It's sweet. With his issues it's hard for him to be touched by anyone, even shaking hands in business meetings or hugs from his family makes him uncomfortable. But he doesn't mind when it's me. Physical connection is important for humans, affection, and intimacy are important. He enjoys these things with me, but they also still kind of scare him. It's complicated. But we're working on it. It's a lot easier if he's right beside me. But the world is making that very difficult right now with international travel being a bitch. But like I've said, I didn't expect for any of this to start moving til March so it's still early. I just hate seeing how unhappy he is, how depressed, and being completely powerless to do anything. There's not much I can do when he is beside me, but it helps being there, and I can't be there until he gets his stupid shot. That, and this fucking hole in my eye are stressing me out just a bit xD
03:20 Feb 16 2022
Times Read: 983
01:54 Feb 15 2022
Times Read: 1,055
For Valentine's Day I got an emergency trip to the eye doctor xD
Hey, it's actually what I wanted.
Since Thursday my vision has gotten increasingly blurry. I thought it might go away, fix itself, but no, it's just been getting worse. And it turns out I have an ulcer on my cornea. They said they're not sure why it happened, but it's there, and it's easy to fix, just use some prescribed eye drops. If only any pharmacy around me had them in stock... Yeah. But they should he there within a couple days. Here's hoping my eye doesn't spontaneously explode before then❤
It doesn't hurt. It feels a bit swollen, but there isn't any pain. Unless I'm in the sunlight... Then it feels like there's literally something stabbing my eyeball, the sunlight sensitivity is insane. And honestly, it tingles more than it hurts, but it's a pretty intense tingle.
So I skipped work today because I wasn't going to make it back in time. The owner was fine with that, but she did want me to come in to get my Valentine from her. Because that's the type of person she is, she gets all her employees goodies for holidays. She got me lots of candy, which I appreciate, but also this weird little gemstone kaleidoscope necklace. She said she had ordered them for her granddaughters, but there was one extra, and she thought I'd like it. It's not really something I can see myself wearing... But it is kind of ironic that she gifted me something eye-related. My other eye is still good, I've still got one good one xD Actually, I hadn't been to the eye doctor in like 15+ years, and they told, after giving me all the tests, that my good eye is perfect. So at least if there is any permanent damage I'll still have the one. They didn't seem overly concerned even though having any ulcer anywhere sounds really bad. Hopefully they'll get the drops in tomorrow so it can get properly treated. I'm still going in to work tomorrow, otherwise I feel fine so there's no point in taking more time off. Honestly, I just didn't want to go into work tonight, and I had a dinner date with one of my nephews :3 I feel like I always end up spending Valentine's Day with him because his parents want to have dinner by themselves so he ends up with me. Which is fine, I enjoy spending time with all of my nieces and nephews.
Oh, but this also came in today.
06:38 Feb 12 2022
Times Read: 1,125
Wolfie says another week, and hopefully things there will be done.
But ya know, he says that every other week. Another week means another couple months. And after that it'll be another few months over something else.
I love him, and obviously I'd like him back as soon as possible, but I realize I have no control over him, I can't force him to do anything. If he does make it back anytime soon then I will be genuinely surprised. But I'm not expecting it. I'm just gonna keep living my life, doing my thing, whatever happens, happens. My life is great. Wolfie would make it better, but I literally can't do anything about him, if he wants to come back then he will when he gets around to it. He says he just wants to make me happy, to hug me, to take care of me so... why aren't you here? I understand that he was very unstable as a kid so building that stability is extremely important to him. But it's like, eventually you have to go for it. But like I said, I'm doing my own thing, and everything is going great. Well sorta. My face has cleared up which I'm relieved about, but now my left eye has suddenly decided to be blurry. Not sure why after my face cleared up my eye decided to fuck up, but it's been like this for two days so I'll probably have to visit an eye doctor soon. I can still see, everything just has a blur to it so it's more annoying than anything. It doesn't hurt, it's not red, it's just slightly fucking blurry. Maybe the infection caused some nerve damage. Yep, that would suck. But I look pretty cute in glasses. I wore glasses as a kid, but then my eye corrected themselves. Hopefully it's not something terrible. The owner of the shop I work at literally has no eyes, she had to have them removed. To be fair, she always had problems with her eyes, a genetic thing, but then one really bad case of pink eye, and they had to be removed. My eye isn't pink so I'm pretty sure it's not that. It's slightly red around the iris so maybe it's just dry, and drop do seem to help a little, but it's still blurry. I know, I should have it looked at, I'm too stubborn when it comes to medical stuff. If it's not better by Monday then I'll see if someone will look at it. There is still like one little spot in the middle of my forehead so maybe it's not completely cleared up. I told my mom I think it's just my alien implant finally going crazy xD
I'm about to just get myself an eyepatch. I think I could pull it off.
21:40 Feb 11 2022
Times Read: 1,156
The Devil In Heaven Platform Heels...
Now that's a proper 7 inches🖤
I knew I loved them from the moment I saw them, I knew I would have them.
Maybe they're a little stripperesque xD But I don't take that as an insult.
Like, have you seen the shoes they have dolls in now? Yikes.
Of course, here he is...
"Oh, we take picture now? Okie, kitty pose :3"
Cute But Crazy Mesh Garter Dress
I was very pleasantly surprised by this. In this pictures it looked much lighter in color, but it is a very pretty pink. And it came with the little lacey leg garters which really completes the look. It's so pretty💗
Now this one is just gorgeous.
Chiffon and lace and floaty and ethereal🖤
I wish I could wear it out, but Wolfie says I'm already too close to causing traffic accidents xD
Annnnd the Cute Lamant Dress/Jacket.
Very pink themed this time around, it's definitely one of my favorite colors. I went ahead, and had everything overnight shipped because I'm at the point where free shipping is nice, and all, but it usually takes 2+ weeks to get here for free because free shipping is always through FedEx which is real fuckin slow, and overnight is $10 so just pay the ten fucking dollars. Some things take so long I forgot what I ordered or I'll get packages from other countries faster than the ones from a couple states away. It's kinda ridiculous. The only time I've ever seen FedEx deliver anything fast is when I order dresses from Japan, but the shipping cost of that is like $30-50 so for that much money just on shipping you better only take a couple days to get here, for real xD Do I need strappy heels in the middle of February? Probably not. But it's still nice to know I have them🖤
20:11 Feb 10 2022
Times Read: 1,193
It's a two-faced demon bunny😍
I kinda wanna get the two-headed dragon too...
Kinda wish I had bought the werewolf now too, but it just wasn't cute enough.
19:17 Feb 10 2022
Times Read: 1,217
I don't mean to bodyshame... But I'm so tired of models with no fucking tits. Like, how am I supposed to tell how something might look on me when all your shit is modeled by -A cup bitches?
These v-neck dresses all look very pretty, and demure on this model...
But she's got zero actual cleavage. Which is fine, but it's not realistic. I don't consider myself overweight or anything, Wolfie says I have tits, and ass which makes me curvy which he greatly appreciates xD But it's like most lingerie models are tiny, they got nothing, I can't compare myself to that, and it's annoying.
But because I only ended up spending $247 yesterday on the spike shoes, pink dress coat, and a couple new lingerie pieces, I was under my $500 limit so I went ahead, and ordered a couple dresses from Restyle. I saw today that they had restocked a ton of stuff, a few pieces in particular I've been waiting for, and they're doing 15% off everything so...
I did have the first dress at one point, but the size was too big, and then it was completely sold out after I sold it... I didn't think they'd ever restock it, and I'm so in love with the design so I'm glad I could finally order it again in the proper size.
And with that, I've spent $480, coming in UNDER my $500 limit xD
05:27 Feb 10 2022
Times Read: 1,245
05:06 Feb 10 2022
Times Read: 1,272
04:44 Feb 10 2022
Times Read: 1,294
19:38 Feb 09 2022
Times Read: 1,327
I want all the pretty pink things💗
I'm thinking... $500 limit. Sounds fair since I haven't been buying much lately.
My new Killstar stuff came in.
My cat wants to be the center of attention immediately when I start doing anything else xD
But he's cute so ya know💗
08:48 Feb 09 2022
Times Read: 1,376
I wanted to finish my Dark Souls 3 platinum before Elden Ring came out, but... The problem with this one is that the trophies are a bit more complicated. Like, getting every ring in the game up to +3, I think? So you have to find them all across multiple playthroughs. If you miss even one, there goes your trophy, start over. And you can't sell them, you have to keep them all, and keep track of them all until you have every one +3. So that sucks. Also, having to obtain covenant specific weapons/items. I don't play Dark Souls online, I've never needed help from anyone beating any boss. I enjoy doing it on my own. Playing online is a big part of the game for most people who love it, I don't need it. But there are certain rewards you get for leveling up specific covenants by giving them their specific tokens which are a lot easier to get if you participate online. You can still find these tokens in the game offline, but the drop rate is so low. I remember one of the last things I was doing in DS3 was trying to grind up Wolf's Blood Swordgrass by killing groups of Ghru over, and over, and over, and I think I got maybe 2 after killing 100. And I believe you need 30 to get the too reward which is the greatshield, and wolf ring of Artorias himself. And you need both of those items for your platinum, and that's just one covenant. So... Eventually I may succumb, and go online because the grinding is so tedious even with a boosted discovery rate. I just don't enjoy playing online, I prefer to do it myself. Otherwise it's not super difficult, it's basically the same as Dark Souls 1, beat every boss, learn every miracle/sorcery/pyromancy. Interestingly, I don't think there's a trophy for finding/creating every unique/boss weapon which was the most difficult trophy in DS1 for me personally. Well, not difficult, but it took the longest because you have to beat Sif three times to make everything you need from their soul. Fortunately, Sif is almost immediately available after the first boss, possibly even before if you have the Master Key because you can unlock the Havel tower, skip past the hydra, up the waterfall ladder, through the forest, and you're there. And Sif isn't a difficult fight. But you do still have to get to Anor Londo to the Giant Blacksmith to craft the soul anyway so you still have to go halfway through the game. I would say that DS1 is my favorite of the three. People tend to say it's too hard, but I think the difficulty is perfectly balanced. Once you know what you're doing there isn't a single boss you can't beat first try, Seethe aside. I remember the first time I played, and ai thought it was the hardest game ever, but I made my character all wrong. See now I know, you pump 95% of your points into Dex so you can dodge through anything, and enough into Strength that you're capable of wielding the Great Scythe, and then you fuckin cut everything that dares to confront you in half xD
But yeah. I'm excited for Elden Ring. I remember Wolfie, and I talking about it a couple years ago when it temporarily got canceled, it didn't look like they were going to make it. I'm glad they came through, I hope it lives up to everything that came before it. I absolutely wouldn't mind I'd it's just another Souls game, look at Bloodborne. I obviously tremendously love Dark Souls, but I love Bloodborne even just a little more, it edges it out slightly, and that's hard to say, but it's true, Bloodborne is my favorite out of them all. The mechanics, and the aesthetic, and everything about it just calls to me. I've said it before, it reminds me a lot of Castlevania, and Castlevania is very dear to me because it's the very first game I can remember playing at 3 years old, that's when my dad handed me the SNES controller, and I became a gamer xD Castlevania is all blood, and Moonlight, and hunting beasts, and if you play Bloodborne with the threaded cane, that's as good as a whip. So that's all very close to my heart. And the you fucking find out that it was Lovecraftian aliens the entire time, and as someone who has read Lovecraft from a very young age, it was another thing that makes me love it just slightly more. Lovecraftian alien horror Castlevania. And the entire game is made to be played as a Dex character. You're meant to be fast, light. Dark Souls wants you to wear the iron armor with the greatshield, and ultra greatsword, to be the huge knight. Bloodborne is better played smart and fast, light and quick. And that's my character type. Don't get me wrong, Dark Souls is very close to my heart too because I've been playing fantasy rpgs all my life, reading the WOC/D&D novels since I was a kid. In fact, my favorite set of books as a kid were a D&D series set in Ravenloft which combined fantasy and horror. Where there were Vampires, and werewolves, and zombies, but also Lich kings, and undead knights with undead fucking dragons.
Which is why you'd think I would hold the Elder Scrolls series in higher regard, but I just fucking don't. I mean, I like Oblivion. It's specifically Skyrim that I'm just not crazy about. Being a vampire in Oblivion was very useful. Being a vampire in Skyrim sucks. And the final boss is so terrible. And the dragons are so overused. It's just not great. It's ok. It's not phenomenal. I definitely prefer Oblivion.
Yes... I am, and have always been a huge nerd. I own it. I'm unashamed.
I've been debating on whether I'll take them with me when I go to move. I haven't read any of them in so long. They smell soo good... You know that old book smell.
I also found these xD
I was wondering who I might leave these to. My oldest niece loves Invader Zim, but I'm not sure this is entirely appropriate xD
I haven't seen any Johnny the Homicidal Maniac stuff in a long time. It's a bit disappointing. Zim is good, but JTHM is pretty rad too.
It's 3 am, I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore. Video games and comic books. Boy, my life is sure swell xD See, this is why I need a YouTube channel so I can ramble into the wind to my hearts content😐 That's definitely something I miss doing with my former best friend, staying up all night talking about Fallout. Killing the Deathclaw mother with mines. Good times. At the end of the day, I do want him to be happy with whoever he loves. I don't think a woman who is super insecure, and wants to keep him from his friends is a great choice, but it's not mine to make. I can only choose what's best for me, and being treated like a dirty secret is something I simply will not accept from him or anyone else. It's like I always tell Wolfie, I understand you had a whole life full of people before me, I don't expect you to throw anyone away just because you have me now. If people are toxic or they do deliberately try to ruin your relationship then sure, maybe don't have them in your life, you shouldn't choose someone like that over your mate, but if you get upset over your significant other having attractive friends then you perhaps need to work on yourself a bit. Wolfie knows some ridiculously attractive women, models and artists and ballerinas, but ya know, I just don't worry about it. He already has the best, why worry :3
I forgot how awesome these comics are❤
04:18 Feb 09 2022
Times Read: 1,404
No work tomorrow. I spent the day making Valentine's Day shit for the shop. They really drive me nuts... They put holiday stuff out barely a few days before actual holidays. I feel they should be out at least a couple weeks so people at least have the chance to see, and buy them. And the only reason this stuff got put out today is because I sat down, and assembled everything by myself. Otherwise, it would've all sat in the box til literally next Monday. It needed to at least be out by this weekend for the V-Day thing they're doing on Saturday. They're doing some kinda ice cream special, and handing out the cookies I decorated. My boss wants to buy me a more professional decorating kit since I've just been using plastic baggies xD
I'd also like to make my own frosting since the cookies are home-made it feels stupid to use pre-made frosting. And then I could teach my replacement how to do all this. They already told me I'll be the one training the newbie since they're going to hire someone soon. It's kind of exciting ^^ I hope that when I leave that they'll have someone good to take over for me. I do a lot, a lot more than my coworker. She barely does anything anymore, she basically comes in to eat, and play on her phone. Anything extra falls on me which is fine because then I get more hours, but it's like... why is she above doing this shit? Like my boss told me she refuses to help at all with the cookies. I didn't know that was an option to just refuse to do something in my job that I don't like. I do love doing the cookies, but I don't like doing dishes so can I just refuse to do them? How is that any different? And she does that with a lot of things, she doesn't like to do it so she just won't. It's kinda bullshit. But then she wants to be paid more than everyone, and be in charge of everything. Um, no. Even the owner, who is good friends with her, has had enough, she complains to me about her all the time, and I'm like, well, it's a simple fix... It's not like she needs the job, she has fully admitted she only works there to get away from her son, and daughter-in-law who live with her. So. I think it's pretty funny that they want me to train the new people who they hire instead of her. Granted, she did train me, and I instantly became the favorite employee, but it's not really from anything she imparted onto me, I'm just naturally a very hard worker. My dad always said it doesn't matter what your job is, even something as menial as scrubbing bathrooms, you should be the best damn scrubber there is. Thankfully I don't have to clean the bathroom xD But still, I put my best into everything I do even if it is just a stupid little job. But not everyone can be as amazing as I am❤
And then... I get messaged this morning about a purse I'm selling. The lady was like, "Hey, so could you hold this for me for a couple weeks while I move? And, oh, I can only pay $40 for it, hope that works for you." First of all... I have it listed for almost $70. So not only do you want me to hold this which is pretty inconvenient for me because it could possibly sell within the time you're having me hold it for, but you also want me to take almost 50% off the price when it could possibly sell for my full asking price... Who would be stupid enough to take that deal? There's no incentive for me to either hold or take that much off the price. She also mentioned she had bought from me before like suddenly that made us besties, and she should get the insider bestie treatment. I don't even have a best friend anymore. Well, obviously Wolfie is my best, favorite, and greatest friend, but I used to have an actual outside best friend. But uh... Things kinda cracked between us. His girlfriends always hate me which I partially understand because he did have feelings for me beyond us being friends. I never felt that felt that way though, I was always very clear about that, and he understood it, there was no romantic future for us. As much as I loved him as a friend, I just didn't feel it even when I was single. But ya know, every time he hooked up with someone new, she'd end up feeling super threatened by me, and he'd either just kinda ditch me entirely or talk to me behind their backs. And I didn't like that. If you have to hide talking to me, your like 15 year best friend, behind your girlfriends back then you're doing something wrong, and I'm not going to be a part of that. So I completely ignored him for about a year, and eventually we started talking a bit, but it wasn't the same. In fact, he video called me around his birthday in July, and he was so awkward taking to me like he didn't know me, like he was looking at some stranger. I had even mentioned possibly visiting him sometime since he had a new place, and he was like, nah. So. I have other friends, some pretty close friends, but I don't think I'd consider them my best friends which is kinda sad. My cat is my best friend xD
And Wolfie of course :3
Anyway. I already got burned on a hold last week. Somebody bought a skirt from me then asked me to hold a dress for her for a couple days, til payday. I don't mind holding for a couple days. But of course, she never came back for the dress or made any attempt to communicate to me that she no longer intended to purchase it. And unfortunately for her I was allowed to leave her a beautiful one star rating after the skirt was delivered warning other people about her behavior. Because seriously, it takes 30 seconds to message me, and tell me you won't be buying this thing I'm holding for you. It's still annoying, but less so than just fucking off without telling me, and I probably won't block you for only a couple days. And she was so nice when she messaged me, fuckin flakey bitch. So I'm even moreso deterred from holding anything, buy especially for $30 less than my asking price, no thank you, I'd rather set it on fire xD
06:18 Feb 08 2022
Times Read: 1,449
My niece spilled her slime on my table... Like they do.
When I went to clean it up I noticed it looked kinda like a blue butterfly🦋
The Universe is clearly speaking to me... through slime xD
04:43 Feb 08 2022
Times Read: 1,484
I mentioned the anhedonia thing to Wolfie today. It's just another piece of the puzzle that is his mind that makes sense. Wolfie loves to play video games, write, read, cook, travel, and sometimes he has no desire for any of it, he doesn't get any feelings of pleasure or happiness or fulfillment from any of it. Sometimes he doesn't get any feelings at all from these things he usually likes. He says that the way he grew up, happiness always came with some kinda consequence. He was never just happy without something bad happening before or after or simultaneously. Which lines up with him being severely abused. Again, I can't tell you the amount of joy it would personally bring me to sink my claws into that old hags throat, but I will restrain myself for his sake. He did say that the one constant happiness he has had in life has been with me. I make him feel, period. And this explains why things were so chaotic at the beginning of our relationship, imagine going through your life with very little emotional reaction to everything around you, and then suddenly this thing comes crashing into you that makes you feel EVERYTHING. It makes sense. And he's gotten a lot better, he's stabilized a lot, we stabilize each other. He said that when I'm around everything is warm, and happy, and safe, and honestly, that's all I want for him. I want him to be able to feel things freely without fear. Growing up, his mother would punish him for reacting. If he had any sort of emotional reaction to anything she dud, even the slightest facial flinch, she'd hurt him. So he grew up with this hard-core control over his emotions, and that's on tip of the chemical imbalance in his brain. He has chemical depression, but also severe trauma so it's not something that a pill can fix. And I was kinda shocked that none of his therapists have mentioned anhedonia to him, it's a pretty common symptom of clinical depression. And he says to me, "Well, Bun, most of the so-called professionals I've spoken to have told me I'm choosing to be depressed." How the fuck can you look at him, and listen to him, and believe that he would choose to feel like this? That anyone would choose this. Yep, today I'm going to lay in bed, and wish I would die because everyone would be better off without me, sounds like an awesome plan. Are you for real? I know exactly how it feels to feel like that, it's not a choice. See, this is why some people deserve to be set on fire, the fucking stupidity, the malpractice. Telling someone with legitimate depression that it's not real is the worst possible thing, it's right up there with, "Oh, just cheer up, just be happy." It really makes me faith in humanity plummet when I see the way the mentally ill are treated. "Just get over it. Just stop being a baby. Just be happy. It's all in your head. You're being dramatic. There's nothing wrong with you." Fuck you. I am insanely protective of him, but no one else has even tried to help him. Well, his current therapist does seem a little bit better, he told him he 100% needs more intimacy and affection which I completely agree with. Love isn't a magic pill that's going to fix everything, but I feel like it is helping to heal him to have someone that he can be personal, and open, and connected with. But it's hard to be close to someone who is afraid of being close. He's gotten a lot better, but he's still like a wild animal at times, he gets scared, he wants to run. He hasn't though, not in a long time, not since he promised me he wouldn't do that to me again. I don't blame him for how he acted when our relationship was new, I don't hold it against him. But I am glad he's doing so much better. I want him to be ok. I want him to feel happiness. He says he does with me, that he finds enjoyment, and pleasure from doing things with me so that's something. And candy, he loves candy xD It's funny because he's so thin, but he'll eat his weight in sweets like it's nothing. And I'm glad because it shows he can enjoy other things, and he does. For him to so often feel nothing, scares me. That's one reason why I've been so insistent on him getting back as soon as possible. He doesn't need me to constantly watch over him or anything, but he needs support, he needs affection, and that's a lot easier when he's within arms reach. And it's just nice for me having him within arms reach, I need that more in my life xD I need more... him, ya know? Just more him in general❤
05:33 Feb 07 2022
Times Read: 1,522
04:45 Feb 07 2022
Times Read: 1,550
I'm glad we're on the same page xD
Seriously though... It really pisses me off when people want to pretend like mental illness isn't a thing. That if you're not locked up in a straight jacket somewhere then you really must not have a problem. I've been surrounded by it my entire life. My mother, my brother, the man I love. There are days Wolfie can't eat or get out of bed or days when even talking to me is a chore, and that's actually literally insane because I am a delight. It's definitely not seeking sympathy or attention when he completely isolates himself to keep his mood from bringing everyone else down. I always tell him, don't worry about bringing me down because I'm going to bring you up. I was reading this neuroscience article about anhedonia, and it really describes a huge part of what he goes through. There are times when he gets absolutely zero pleasure/happiness/enjoyment from anything. When he'll have all the money, the best food, the greatest comforts, and the most amazing woman on my knees right in front of him, but his brain chemically isn't responding pleasurably to any of it. It's crazy, but it makes sense, and it's not his fault. This is why my best advice to anyone going into a relationship with someone with mental illness, especially severe depression, do your research, don't take things personally, and learn to manage your own emotions very well. It also helps to have a really stellar sense of humor because boy... Sometimes laughing things off is the only way to keep the personal insanity at bay xD
That, and a lot of random dancing...
23:20 Feb 06 2022
Times Read: 1,576
I had some Killstar cash, £30 off £60, that I simply couldn't let go to waste...
And I've already decided that I'm absolutely buying those clear, spiked heels, but they don't ship til the 10th so I'll wait to see if they run a V-Day sale on them by then. Those, and the Harley Quinn jacket are on my current hit list.
Wolfie is sick with a cold, and I'm just feeling drained. I blame the antibiotics. I just want to sleep all the time. I kinda don't want to work tomorrow, it was nice having three days off straight, and this week is the week I work an extra day since my co-worker, and I switch every Thursday. I had last Thursday off, I work this Thursday. It's not like my job is all that demanding or anything, and I don't even go in til 4 so I don't have to get up early, but ya know, I feel icky, I wanna be lazy xD I'm glad I never actually committed to a second job though even after I got offers. I like to work, and I definitely like to buy pretty new shoes, and clothes, and makeup, but my health is a bit fragile so pushing myself isn't a very smart thing. I feel like things are good right now, I'm in a good place.
05:34 Feb 06 2022
Times Read: 1,620
Just when I thought I couldn't love my job any more... I basically get paid now to decorate sugar cookies. Because they were so impressed with my cookie skills when I made them for Christmas that now they want me to do them all the time. So that's pretty rad. The owner makes the dough, but I cut them out, bake them, frost them, and decorate them, and everyone loves them ^^ We're doing this Valentine's Day thing next Saturday so I'm making a ton of cookies that look like those cute little conversation heart candies. It's a lot of fun, and I get to express my creativity. There were these adorable kids in the shop today, a twin boy and girl who were cracking up at my boss the whole time. He tends to walk around the shop singing... Loudly. Then they asked me if my boss, and his mom were my parents xD I was like, uhhh... He's actually only 6 years older than me, but thanks for reminding me how young I look❤
I also finally found out what Wolfie's problem was. I mean, I could've guessed it was his mother, no one sends him spiraling into a mental breakdown quite like she does... And I tell him every time, stop going back, stop contacting her. Because he does so well for months, and then suddenly he'll reach out to her with the hope in his heart that things will be different, and she slaps him back down every fucking time. I wish he could have a healthy relationship with either of his parents, but they both suck ass, they're not going to change, and it's agonizing watching him go through this over and over. And his mother does it on purpose because she's an immature attention whore. Apparently no one could get ahold of her, she was refusing to let anyone know she was ok, like a fucking child, until Wolfie eventually called her himself at the behest of his aunt which led to her completely breaking him down. And I can't pretend to know what it's like to have a parent who has been extremely abusive in every way all your life, I can't fathom how hard that must be to have never had that love from the people who brought you into this world. And she's the worst type of abuser because after she'd beat the shit out of him she'd hug him, and tell him she loved him, and that's exactly why he has so much trouble trusting anyone who tries to love him because that was love to him as a kid, being hit with something, then hugged like it was all better. She really pisses me off. And I get that he wants to have his mother in his life because it's his fucking mother, but you can't allow abusive people to be in your life, it just can't happen. And there's nothing I can do to convince him. I can only be supportive. Obviously I feel that ripping her fucking face off would be a much better solution to all of this, but I can't allow my feelings or actions to cause him more trauma. It's hard when he messages me in the middle of the night to tell me he's giving up on everything he's been building for us, and going back to Denver. Honestly, it would be 100% easier if he did just come back, not gonna lie. Then we wouldn't have to deal with all this stupid international bullshit. But I also don't think he'd be happy with that. I'm trying very hard to be supportive of whatever he wants to do, but at the same time I'm like, will you please make up your mind, and stay in one spot for longer than a couple months, please xD I'm trying not to put any pressure on him, but also like, dude, for real. It's fine because I'm fine, I want him to have all the time he needs to feel ready, and get things settled. But then I'm also like... I'd like to proceed with this now, can we please move forward? Because I feel like we've been stuck in this spot for awhile, where he's eternally been trying to make things perfect for us, and eventually you just have to go for it. Which he is not great at, he's not a spontaneous person, he needs control, he needs the plan, he needs to figure things out ten years ahead of time, and that's just not how most things work especially when you're planning your life with an entire other person. I am a jumper, he is not. I am always ready to go, he is not. I love my life, and I am fine where I'm at, but it would be better together. We're just such complete opposites, it's crazy how much we love each other with how completely different we are at a base level. And it's good because he teaches me to slow down, and think things through while I teach him that it's ok to be spontaneous, and occasionally go with your heart instead of always your head. We're good for each other in many ways. But he hasn't gotten his booster yet. He was supposed to get it last week, but apparently it hasn't happened yet. Which I'm kinda fine with... Because as much as I want him back here, I also would prefer my face be more healed by then. Obviously he sees me on video chat, and he still tells me how beautiful I am so it's not like a huge deal... But still. It is healing, and I'm a pretty fast healer so it shouldn't be too much longer, it doesn't look like there will be any permanent damage. The only thing is that my left eye is now extremely sensitive to light... Like some bad horror movie where a demonic presence has possessed my eye xD My eye was never infected or anything so it's a bit strange, and I think it's fine, I can see perfectly. They never did confirm to me what exactly was happening to my face, but it's getting better so I guess it doesn't really matter. But yeah, I'd kinda like for that to go away before Wolfie comes back so totally not rushing him for probably a few more weeks which works out because I told him back in December it would probably be better to wait til March/Spring anyway. So maybe everything will work out for the best :3
Yeah, probably not xD
06:27 Feb 05 2022
Times Read: 1,659
02:40 Feb 05 2022
Times Read: 1,687
Is it possible to die from new shoe withdrawals?
Yeah, I know I'm a drama Queen xD
But... I need cute new Summer shoes...
There's like 5 feet of snow outside, perfect time to be shopping for Summer🖤
06:07 Feb 01 2022
Times Read: 1,616
A couple new items from my latest KS haul.
This has been on my get list for a couple months, but with an $80 price tag I wanted to wait for the right time to buy it. So I picked it up while they were running their bogo sale. I really love the design along the hem, and it's the perfect length on me, long, but doesn't drag at my feet. I'm very glad I finally got it.
And of course, like I mentioned, they just released this beautiful set in red. The Fatal Farewell Nightdress, and Devil's Lullaby Robe.
I bought these when they were intually released in black, and I love them even more in red❤
03:14 Feb 01 2022
Times Read: 1,401
Sounds about right❤