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So I walk in this unending madness. what can I say? This is the cup I've been given. Simple pleasures I watch people take for granted can never be mine again. Even Alcohol can never touch my lips. things made for people's pleasure cannot be mine. So I hold a little resentment in my heart as I watch people take for granted the very things I have been denied. But I must know that it must be for a higher cause. A purpose that even I am unable to grasp. So I know I should be thanking my Creator that I was made to be this way. Sobriety is my new life and just when I think my emotions are under control, I most utterly break down.

My feelings? What can I say? Profound barely begins to describe the level that I feel. I think a better way to describe my feelings are utter madness. It's enough to make me go mad just thinking about my episodes.

So, Yes, I walk for there is no alternative. Knowing that death will bring me no peace. I must grow old and live a full life like this. For there is only one thing that can bring death to me....... that is the direct will of God.

Must I answer to someone? But of course because in order to have power you must answer to a higher power otherwise from where would my power come from? It is not conjured from thin air...... No it must have a source and I am subject to that source. This I believe is the best way to describe what had happened to me. For there are things I am unable to tell or even describe.

So I walk. because the alternative is so utterly terrible that even the mere description of it would "Mess you up". As one would describe it. I am required to live but with strict rules to my life. Disobedience would bring to me the most unthinkable torment. And not just for this life....No my tormenter would follow wherever my spirit may go so there is no escape. The only alternative to disobedience is unending torment.

So I walk. This is what I am, and this is what I have become. Very few will truly understand the words on this page. I walk.

COMMENTS

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LadyRain
09:19 Sep 28 2012

Very interesting to read!

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Death, where is your sting? Grave, where is your victory? (The Apostle Paul)

No bullet has ever pierced me, no blade has ever found it's mark.

My emotions so strong that they drive me to madness, even to my knees.

I am alive but I do not know life. I am dead but do not know peace.

So I go through life listening and knowing the true beauty of all life but unable to express it. Knowing and loving the true beauty in even the smallest living thing. Seeing and knowing and loving yet unable to share with others what I truly see. When I am able to see something so immense in such small creatures I long to share it with another,....... yet I am alone.

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Amber1997
02:58 May 24 2012

U r never alone

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LadyRain
09:21 Sep 28 2012

I know the feeling!

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