So, Christmas is over and I'm glad that it is. Don't get me wrong, even if I wasn't feeling festive, I did have a great time with my mom's family on Christmas Eve, and my dad's Christmas Day. I just, as I said, wasn't feeling festive and in the mood to celebrate like I normally am. I only broke down twice, so I guess that's a plus. Both times on Christmas Eve, I had to actually leave the house and sit in the car while I cried my eyes out. It's hard being around the happy couples that are all my cousins. I'm the third oldest and the only one who is single on my mom's side. It's hard sometimes, when I see everyone with their wives or girlfrienda/boyfriends. Especially now, since I would have given anything not to be in the situation I'm in with Chris. But yeah, I had a good holiday, lots of family time, which is all that matters to me anymore.
Christmas is in but a few short days and I don't think I have ever felt less... Christmas-y. I kind of just want this whole year to be over with and done. It's been one bad thing after another, and I'm ready to just close the book on 2015 all together.
It's hard getting back into the habit of being somewhat active here again. For the last I don't know how many months I've only really been around to write in my journal. But, I'm trying. On one account, anyway.
At some point I'm going to have to actually hop on the laptop and think up some new images for my Dawn account. Now that I have it in House Eternal, I need some images to reflect that. A new stamp is definitely in order, and I'm still debating on that name change I talked about some time ago. If that happens than a complete overhaul is due.
I'll admit it, I'm not taking this as well as I thought I would. It's hard... It's hard to talk to him every day and not be allowed to say the things I normally would, to not be allowed to call him the pet names I normally would. I keep breaking down, and I know he can hear it in my voice. I understand the reasons for this, I truly do, but for me... It's hard to just accept it and go on like we were never more than friends. How do you move past that? The fact that he has kind of bothers me, but he had a week to figure this all out, where I've had since Tuesday. I can't stop crying sometimes. Out of nowhere, I just break the fuck down and cry. It's silly, to be so wound up on someone I've only been dating 5 and a half months... But I love him. I fucking love him with all that I am. If I thought that fire Brannan sparked in me every time I saw him was bad, Chris ignites a raging inferno. I can't stop feeling this way, I can't give him up. I don't want to.
So like I said last entry, everything kind of became broken to the point where it couldn't really be repaired. So, I guess right now Chris and I are on a bit of a break. Not officially broken up, just, not really a couple right now. We'll still talk and game together, but anything beyond that isn't going to happen for a while. Things in his life are a bit of a mess right now, and honestly, I'm probably not in the right place either to be carrying on a relationship. Once things settle down for both of us, we'll try it again. But for now... For now friends is where the line has to be drawn. I'm not exactly happy with this, but I can't really argue it either. A lot of his reasoning for doing this is right and I can't fight that. I mean, it's probably better this way. I guess. We made it five and a half months as things were, and things hadn't been great. So, I think once we both get things in our lives stable we could probably last. And, hopefully by then, one of us will have the means to relocate so there isn't 300 miles between us.
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