Today was a good day, took in a bunch of nerdy goodness at Frank & Son. It's like a little warehouse full of peddlers of awesome, so many Funko Pops, old game systems and games (I was so tempted to buy an old Sega Genesis with Ecco and a few Disney games I loved when I was a kid), comics and graphic novels galore, all the Magic, Pokémon, and other card game stuff you could ever want or need, and other things. I went with Raine, Pete, and Caroline. It was a lot of fun, and totally a place I could spend hundreds of dollars at. I had to talk myself out of buying a Dream statue from The Sandman series, it was only $150. But, with my mom's birthday this coming Wednesday, I couldn't afford to get it and get her something as well. Next time, Dream. Next time... But yeah, I gotta go back. There was so much Disney merch that I wanted to get my fingers on.
My three new corsets will be delivered tomorrow! I'm so stoked to get them. I actually got one to wear with my Victorian bustle skirt as a Halloween costume. I'm really hoping they pair well. Because if they do... I'll be wearing my Killstar Bloodlust boots I got new from Poshmark. And the black/silver wig I bought when I was looking into dying my hair in August.
I'm going to vent a little bit, so forgive me, but I have nowhere to really say these things. I'm not proud of my actions and I don't Wan tmy family to know just how much I'm suffering. So, hopefully this will give me some solace, prove to be a useful outlet.
I was a cutter in high school. I think that's the fate of a lot of us who felt like the outsider amongst their peers. Who didn't quite fit in with the rest. I lived in my brother's shadow which didn't exactly help things at all. And, well, things at home were never great. My father was never one to be emotionally kind or warm with me. I think I enbodied everything he hated, and he definitely made me feel like it at times. But, that's an eantierly different issue that I have to work through. The fact is that I used to cut myself. When writing didn't prove theriputic enough for me, when I wanted to just feel something, I'd take a razor to my skin. At the age of sixteen my school found out about my self-harm and they stepped in, as is their duty. I was in therapy for a while, I had CPS stop by more than once for checkups, I had to be evaluated by a psychiatric hospital which I was very nearly admitted into. It wasn't something I would want to relive. The embarrassment I felt was so very high, and then it was only added by the embarrasment my family had to deal with because of me. It didn't exactly help my issues which lead to the self-harm in the first place, but it made certain I wouldn't do that form of self-harm again.
And, for 16 years I maintained that. I hadn't cut myself since that day. Therapy actually helped me a lot, never underestimate the power of just talking to someone. Someone who doesn't judge. If I could afford it, I'd be in therepy right now for, well, a lot of things. I'm kind of a mess and I am in a place to realize just how much of a mess I am. I make no excuses for myself, I hold no delusions about where things stand with me. But, I can't afford it right now, so I've fallen back into my old habits, bottling shit up until I break. I broke on Sunday. It wasn't any one thing that contributed to this, it was a culmination of everything I've been dealing with this last year. It hit me hard. And, I fell back to the one thing i tried so hard to refrain from doing. I don't state this for pity, I don't need your pity. I don't state this because I think it's the cool thing to do, I'm quite ashamed of myself for succumbing to the temptation. I state this to keep myself accountable for my actions.
I don't take these things lightly. I battled the urge for 16 years, so it's not lightly that I reverted back. Things are difficult. Life is difficult. And I tried so hard to keep from falling down that hole again, but in the end, I did fall. It's hard to deal with things sometimes, with everything that's been going on in my life, I don't really have an outlet to get things off my chest anymore. I used to write. I loved to write. It was the way I was able to express myself best, it was a way to let these emotions out in a healthy manner. But I don't write anymore. And try as I might, I can't summon the words. So, I don't have that outlet anymore. I could talk to Raine, but we haven't known each other that long, and she has her own problems to contend with that I don't want to add my issues to her plate. I can't talk to John, because while I have in the past, he's seen the scars on my arms, my legs, he knows, but there's a line I don't want to cross with him right now, because like Raine, he's dealing with his own shit. So, I deal with all on my own, suffering in silence.
My mom's birthday is next Wednesday. Kevin and Liz want to take her out for dinner, so we've got to figure out where to go for that, and then I want to get her a gift. I just have no idea what to get her. She's not big on jewelry, she doesn't do plants, flowers and candy seem cheap and predictable. I want to get her something that lets her know that I think she's fucking amazing. That I'm grateful for everything she's done for me over the years. That she's so immensely loved. I just don't know what.
Jesus, now I know why some Upper Admins have certain people blocked. Fucking hell.
I hung out with Rain all day yesterday, and she wound up doing my makeup since I rarely ever wear any. Nothing extreme, just a pretty natural look, and I loved it. We're going to have to do this more often.
Changing a few things around here, mostly regarding how I interact with the member base. Even those I dislike. So, you know, throwing that out there.
I ordered three new corsets for myself today. I wanted to spoil myself a little bit, and it was a 3 for 1 sale that I couldn't pass up. The store puts out really good quality corsets, not the cheap things I've bought from other retailers over the years. So, I'm excited to get those in the mail. They should be here by the end of next week.
Coolness. Hope you take pictures would love to see them.
Nice. Always did think you could rock a corset like no one else. :D
I can only imagine you in a halloween themed corset :) just saying but not hitting on you lo.
Oh man, that was a good final workout with Jorge. He pushed me harder than he has before, and I feel so. Damn. Good. I've got that endorphin high going so I'm all energetic and I want to go out and do something. But, it's a Thursday, I don't have any spare money until tomorrow, and there's nothing to do and nowhere to go. So, I'll just go hop in the shower, come down a bit, grab some food and relax. Might even try going to bed early tonight so I can get some decent sleep, I've been having trouble with that all this week. We'll see.
Tonight is my last session with Jorge. At least until next year. With the holidays so quickly approaching, I need to start actually saving money, which means that for now I can't afford to fork out another $700 on a personal trainer. But, to counter the loss of Jorge kicking my ass two times a week, I'm going to start hiking again. It's starting to cool down which means it's the perfect time to get out and hike. We have some really nice trails out here that I used to hike, so it'll be nice to get back on them. Plus, I can take walks around the neighborhood and I'll still be going to the gym on my own. I'd ask Raine to do the hikes with me, but with her illnesses, she couldn't manage it, so I'll probably just wind up going out with my mother. I know she's been itching to get out hiking again.
I've been talking with a friend of a friend who's a tattoo artist. I'm serious about getting my back piece done this year, my solar system/cover up. Depending on the size, if I want it to have color or not, and the extent of the cover up, it's going to set me back $300-$400. You know, I'm okay with that. I want it to be a fairly larger size, considering I want it to go all the way down my spine. I'm leaning towards colorless, because color can fade really badly like it did on my Zodiac sign and wind up looking like crap. Though, I have seen versions with touches of color and it's kind of appealing as well. But, it'll likely be a colorless version that I'm going to go with. I'll have the cash together within three weeks, after I take care of the important things like bills and such. And I don't know if I'll go with this artist or try to find someone a little closer to home. I mean, San Diego isn't far away, but that's a two to three hour drive, depending on traffic, and that's a bit of a drive for a tattoo. But, we'll see. I've got some time to think about things before making a decision.
I need to get me some fucking health insurance. I can't keep doing this, waking up in excruciating pain and calling off work. This weekend I'll look into it, see what I can afford. Even something basic, just so I can get checked out would be good.