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(Begun 1704 18.11.2005)



I've been beaten

But the bruises won't show

What you have done

You really don't know



Or do you?



I hurt when you say what you do

I die a little more each day

For being myself, I guess

That is the price that I have to pay



How much more do I owe?



I don't know what you want

I guess I never did

I think that is the reason

Why I hide what I hid



How many secrets do I have to hide to make you happy?



Call it what you will

My life is my life

If you don't like it the way that it is

Please end it with a knife



Is that what you want, for me to disappear?



You call it crap

When I tell you what I see

I only know what I know

I can only be me



Do you want me to pretend that everything is fine?



I don't know what is wrong

If I did, I would tell

It appears, to me

That we don't communicate well



What do you want me to say?



I don't call you names

Even though you through them my way

It's hard enough

To keep my fears at bay



Are you trying to destroy me?



I don't write about you here

I guess that has changed

All I can say is that

It's my life you've rearranged



What more do you want?



Respect is yours to give

And mine to receive

It is not you

That I am trying to deceive



What must I do for you to see the truth?



My world has grown small

For a while you have been all I saw

I guess that you want that to change

Because you're ripping my heart raw



Do I have to cry to get you to understand?



I've said this for the past four years

It is your choice if you want to stay

You say that that is "Bullshit"

To me, that is the only way



Why do you expect me to explain something that I do not understand?



I am who I am

I would like you to accept that

I'm sick of being who others want me to be

I'm sick of being their pet rat



Why do I have to be someone that I am not?



I stopped following my mind

And followed my heart

Maybe that is why

Our ways have yet to part



Do you want me to leave?



There is so much stress

On my heart and mind

I guess that there is something

That I have to find



Will you help me?



I only know what you tell me

You only know what I tell you

I take it that this isn't good enough

And you want to be through



Is that true?



I'm not used to

Giving up my heart

But I thought I would take a chance

I thought that was a start



Is that what you wanted?



Great, now I'm crying

Both inside and out

Is this what that

Was all about?



Would you tell me if it was?



Emotions are a weakness

That's what you said

Does this mean that you think

I'm better off dead?



Would you be honest if this was true?



I care for you

That is all I know

Is that enough

For you, though?



Am I good enough?



You say you won't deal

With 'it' anymore

Is this what I was

Waiting around for?



Is that all that I am, a screw-up?



You've broken it off before

What's stopping you from doing it again?

If I'm so horrible

Stop what is happening, then



Is there something that you aren't telling me?



I know this may sound cheesy

But I would walk through fire

If it would prove to you

That I'm not a liar



Do you think that everything that I say is a lie?



I will talk to you if you want

Though when is there really time?

Is filling my life with stuff

Really a crime?



Is that why you are angry?



I don't know

What I am looking for

But I thought that you would be

As stable as you were before



Will you stay?



I've held you as you've cried

You've done the same for me

Is that what you need?

For the stable one to be me?



Are you looking for stability?



I guess we are both breaking down

We can't take the stress

If breaking up will fix that

Then, in my eyes, it is for the best



Is there too much pressure in the 'secrecy'?



I will live with the stress

If I can be with you

But I don't know

What you want to do



What is in your heart?



I don't know

What else you want me to say

I don't know what this will do

I hope it shows you the way



Do you know the way?



The way... To something that has changed these past four years... To something that I have never given so completely before... The way... The path... To my heart...



(Ended 1735 18.11.2005)

I'd smile if I could

I know that I should

I can't right now

I don't know how



I want to cry

I want to die

There's so much pressure upon me

I feel like I'm on my knees



I want to curl up and hide in a hole

I wish I was a little vole

Instead of being something like that

I feel like a walked on mat



I'll sit in my corner

Like little Jack Horner

But I don't have a Christmas pie

I just have the tears I cry



I laugh when you want me to

Everything I do is for you

There's a change in your interest

I think it may be for the best



I believe

You no longer need me

That's why I was here

You needed me near



Now you don't need me

You know where I'll be

I run from my strife

So I can live my life



I'm lost without you

Wish you needed me too

But I know

I must let you go



I'll smile so you won't see

What goes on inside of me

You won't see me drift away

And that's the way it must stay

I need some help

I feel all alone

I’m lost in myself

I can’t find my way home



I wish that I was

Wrapped in your arms

So that I knew

There would be no more harm



On the outside, I’m laughing

On the inside, I’m crying

On the outside, I’m living

On the inside, I’m dying



I want your love

But you’re not really there

I’m lost without you

But I don’t think you care



Once we were one

Now we are two

You can live without me

I can’t live without you

Smiling on the outside

Laughing is what you see

What is on the outside

Isn’t really me



Tears of joy and sadness

Running down my face

This is how I live my life:

Covered up by lace



People see what they want

It isn’t always true

This is how most people are

But what about you?



I used to live my life alone

Until you came to stay

You picked me up and helped me out

And my problems ran away



But now you’re gone, I’m left alone

I have no one to talk to

You left my side because you think

Everything’s about YOU!!