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birra's Journal


birra's Journal

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12 entries this month
 

Wearing down the battery on the laptop...

06:40 Dec 29 2007
Times Read: 1,011


...figure a journal entry is a good way to do that.


So, people do bad things to themselves... I've heard people who smoke too much.. who drink too much.. who eat all the wrong things TOO MUCH say it...


"I'm not going to live forever... I might as well enjoy it."


Well... there you go. I've heard you say it... and now, at 64, Hospice has to visit you... the doctors have given you weeks... not months or years... basically, days. You had half of a lung removed five years ago... and half of the other removed after that... it has spread... everywhere and there is nothing anyone can do.


But your family is sympathetic. Your siblings, crying... hurt... fearing.. not wanting to lose you. Unwilling to believe. Unwilling to accept.


But they must.


And... I've heard you say it.


"Quit smoking? Ah, I'm not going to live forever...."


But you could have lived longer, and better.... and not suffered so much at the end.


So forgive me if my sympathy for you isn't as deep as it is for those who love you who you will be leaving here to mourn for you....


I will miss you... but I'm sorry, I just can't be sad for you.


Goodbye....


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PRIVATE ENTRY

06:12 Dec 25 2007
Times Read: 1,015


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Just turned...

05:36 Dec 24 2007
Times Read: 1,017


...my 60th day on VR... according to the VR clock over there...


...seems like I've spent a lot more time on here in the past 18 months than just 60 days...


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PRIVATE ENTRY

14:08 Dec 15 2007
Times Read: 1,024


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It is 7AM....

12:00 Dec 14 2007
Times Read: 1,029


...I've been awake since 4AM.


I'm hungry. I want a chicken fajita from Mighty Taco... that's not breakfast food! I want dinner at 7AM!


Damn time changes.


*sigh*


I'll get some for lunch.


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I'm hungry...

07:36 Dec 11 2007
Times Read: 1,035


...that was a long day. My body thinks it's dinner time on Tuesday.


It's 2:30AM...


I need some sleep... the carpet here looks nice... and soft...


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PRIVATE ENTRY

11:58 Dec 05 2007
Times Read: 1,048


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As random as I get...

11:31 Dec 05 2007
Times Read: 1,049


...sitting here listening to "Hey Nineteen" by Steely Dan, and thinking about... things...


Mainly I'm thinking about going down to the hotel bar and drinking until I can only manage to crawl back to my room.


"She thinks I'm crazy, but I'm just growing old... Hey Nineteen"


Something about that line just... means more to me today than it did years ago...


Cuervo Gold sounds like a good idea though... might be the only way tonight becomes... a wonderful thing.


Life is a funny thing. I just commented to someone here... life is odd. Not just odd feeling, but odd in it's entirety.


Existential moment coming...


...for a planet to be in just the right spot in relation to a star just the right size and to have just the right chemical makeup to create and foster the evolution of life... well, life as we know it....


...odd.


...unusual.


...rare.


Seven other planets in our solar system never had a chance.


Yes, life is strange... and... no one survives it.


So we spend so much time in this life... worrying.. about our future. Worrying about the things that lie ahead. Worrying if we're doing the right thing. Worrying about... so many things.


Why?


Is that all we have, as living beings? As human beings?


Is that what this life all about?


To steal an idea... no one knows what life is about, but whatever it is, it's our job to help each other through it.


To add to that idea... a person has to want to help themself through it first, before anyone else can offer any effective help.


People need to be responsible for themselves. For their own actions. Actions that shape their own lives first. Actions that determine who a person is and how they live, and where they're going in this life. If a person can truly accept that fact, then along that path, like a marathon runner, people will extend their hands and hopefully will offer the cup of gatorade a person so desperately needs at the times it is needed most.


But if you're running with your eyes closed, metaphorically speaking, you're going to miss the cup....


It is up to you.


Always has been.


No one can shape your life more than you can, and already have...


The great thing about life, whatever this life is, it's never too late to reshape it. It's never too late to run down a different path.


And if you do it with an open heart and love for yourself first, there will always be someone to hand you some gatorade...


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PRIVATE ENTRY

09:12 Dec 04 2007
Times Read: 1,058


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Oh... I discovered something...

19:44 Dec 03 2007
Times Read: 1,064


...while sitting on a plane and reading a book about this very subject...


...it is pointless for me to throw the hippopotamus...


...I am the hippopotamus.


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Throwing a hippopotamus.

05:59 Dec 01 2007
Times Read: 1,063


Sometimes that’s what this life feels like.


I have been given a hippopotamus, and my job is to throw it over a wall.


And I have to do it. But I have to figure out how first. I’ve already spent too much of my life having this damn hippo falling on me again and again…


The wall isn’t getting shorter and the hippo isn’t getting any lighter.


But as I get older, I’ve learned a little about this hippo… and this wall. And I’m trying some newer, less subtle approaches….


…I think I’ll just knock down the wall.


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Going out on a limb....

03:04 Dec 01 2007
Times Read: 1,013


...yes.. I'm doing it! You can't stop me! You can tell me it's wrong, but I don't care!


I'm washing my lights and darks... TOGETHER!


birra... rebel without fabric softener...


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