I can't answer that.
04:00 Sep 19 2010
Times Read: 580
Tiff asked me why I am so upset by this situation when I showed hardly any emotion over the situation last year.
I can't answer why this situation is effecting me as much as it is... But I am going to try to reason it out logically.
Fact 1: Nicky is my first love, in every way.
Fact 2: It was a dirty break.
Fact 3: Nicky has remained a good friend.
I'm sure that there are other facts but lets start with these three.
People say that you never forget your first love or the person that you lost your virginity too. Well Nicky was both, not to mention my high school sweetheart. A lot of what I was, the person I liked, I learned it from her. She taught me confidence. She taught me that I am more often right then wrong when I follow my feelings. She taught me that those that I called friends were actually the worst kind of people to allow in my life. Users. I didn't learn that lesson as well as I should have. She showed me what real friends were like and how rare they are. Sadly I know that little fact all too well. She showed me that I can still be me and adapt. She allowed me to break when the strain was too much, and she helped me put all the pieces back together, making me stronger then before.
She treated me the same as everyone else and treated me differently. She held me up like a prized gem, treated me as an equal, and looked down on me in superiority, all at the same time. I still don't know how she managed that. She made me feel on top of the world.
Our relationship ended smoothly on the outside, at least to everyone else's gaze. To me it ended horribly, a figurative knife to the gut. I was away from her, literally tricked by my mother,long store. I was in job corps and had limited communication with her. Needless to say, it was a stressful time. Somewhere down the line my "best friend" told her that I was cheating on her and doing coke. Because of her past, it was a death sentence on our relationship. At the time I was suffering from depression, isolation, and lonelyness in a crowd, so when she confronted me on it, we ended things... If I remember right I asked to take a breakto get my head on straight, not that she knew that and she said that she didn't do breaks. About a week after that I think, I found out from a friend that she ran away from her friends into the woods with a 5th of vodka in her hand. Even after I was told that the cap was still sealed I was devistated. She had sworn off drinking because of her past with it.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S IT! I think I figured out why it effects me so much!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nicky is still a true friend, one of the few that I have. She has talked to me about every relationship that I have had. It seems that I have always turned to her for advice, comfort, understanding, and a knock upside the head when needed.
I'm cutting this short so that I don't lose the answers I have discovered...
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Soooo. I think... Let me reiterate: I THINK I know why this current situation is effecting me so much.
Nicky has started drinking (socially,under control, out of control I don't know) again. She may or may not have been smoking pot, I'm not sure. She has dropped out of school. She moved, is suffering money troubles, and is pregnant. All in all, this is the exact opposite from the Nicky that I knew. At this point in her life she should be graduating college and starting a high paying career. But she's not... And a part of me blames myself. Let me explain... When things ended between us, it tore both of us apart, each in our own way. I guess that I have always took it as I ripped her heart apart as soon as she was beginning to love again. Did I destroy her ability truly love again? I guess that I can't help but wonder, is this downward spiral related to me?
As stated above, I have always gone to Nicky when I needed advice and comfort. I went to her when I failed out of Air Force boot camp because of a mental break. I turned to her when I was struggling in job corps. She told me what I need to hear, NOT what she wanted to say to me... No matter the situation, no matter the problem, Nicky has always been a firm place for comfort, shelter, and good advice. But now, I don't know. I don't know what is going on with her anymore. Will she still be there when I need her, will she still offer the good advice that i have come to rely on her for. I know, I know, it seems really selfish.
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