MidnightDew's Vampire Journal

MidnightDew's Journal

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2 entries this month

A Good Husband
06:45 Jan 04 2007
Times Read: 623

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!

COMMENTS

Long Island
06:28 Jan 04 2007
Times Read: 626

This is great.. anyone who lives, or has ever lived on Long Island would have to know and appreciate this... =)

LONG ISLAND:

You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you almost never go there.

When you're away from Long Island, you love it and when you're there, you don't.

You think if you're not from Long Island or NYC, you're not really from New York.

You know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on intuition.

You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City".

You never realize you have an accent till you leave.

Every thing north of the Bronx is "Upstate."

New Jersey Sucks!

At some point in your life you've gone clamming.

Either your parents or your grandparents lived in The City.

You'd pay $11.50 for a movie.

You don't live in Long Island. You live ON Long Island.

You know where the Commack Motor Inn is.

Your distant future might involve the state of Florida.

You can correctly pronounce places like Ronkonkoma, Hauppauge, Wantagh, Mineola, Islandia, Massapequa.

You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonalds and 36 7-11's.

You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..."

You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.

No, you don't want mustard on that burger!! ewwww!

You can't understand why a diner would ever close.

You've had a seagull crap on your car.

You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR and ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville.

You went to an elementary school that promoted dodge ball as the number 1 game among children 7-13.

You know White Castle is terrible for you and the food sucks but you periodically "Get the Crave".

You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx, but would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan.

You think that somehow, the Jets and Giants still play in New York.

You've missed that "Drunk Train", the 2:42 out of Penn Station and had the dreaded wait until 5:30 am.

You or someone you know has owned an animal that came from North Shore Animal League.

Quick! Who's your county Executive? Don't know do you?!

You've never taken an MTA bus.

The Long Island Expressway isn't really as bad as everybody thinks.

You don't associate Fire Island with gay men.

You know which parts of the Godfather were filmed on Long Island.

You've paid a $10 cover charge to get into a bar, but got nothing for it.

You miss wiffle ball and running through sprinklers.

You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute and you enjoy watching it grow up.

Billy Joel said it best, "either you date a rich girl from the North Shore, or a cool girl from the South Shore". (I'm a cool girl from the South Shore) ;)

You don't really see the big deal about the Hamptons, unless you got smashed at the Bordy Barn.

When people ask "where are you from?" you answer Long Guy Land and automatically assume everyone in the world knows that answer means New York.

You've always liked Billy Joel and you own several of his "records."

The Belt Parkway sucks!

You've been stuck in a traffic jam for more than 2 hours (without moving).

Your parents took you to All American, Nathan's or Carvel (on the way home from the beach).

Regular gas - $2.79 and you still pay it!!! (It's gone up a bit since, and we have no choice but to pay it)

You hate paying tolls.

You don't have to go far to see your family.

You remember Grumman.

You've gotten drunk on the bleachers of some high school.

You know the color of the water at Jones Beach is not BLUE!

You were upset when all the Roy Rogers (except for Shirley) turned into Wendy's and Arby's closed for good.

You can spout off all the LIRR stops between Penn Station and Ronkonkoma.

Paying $35 for a haircut doesn't sound so crazy.

You think the people from Brooklyn are "da wunz dat tawk wit a accent."

You went sledding in the sumps.

You've partied on a golf course in the middle of the night.

You knew of Massapequa before the Amy Fisher-Joey Buttafuoco nightmare.

You think going to Queens was a hike.

The first time you heard the term "Long Island Iced Tea" you were somewhere else and you laughed.

When you go to another State you are astounded to see that people actually stop at yellow lights.

You just sort of presume that if you move to another State, you'll be able to find good deli's, good pizza, and good bagels. (I don't think so)

You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island.

When you walk in the city and you see two men holding hands...it becomes normal to you.

No word ends in an ER, just an AH.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Long Island.

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