nightstalkervamp's Journal
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2 entries this month
bout me
23:07 Mar 23 2005
Times Read: 836
I feel dead inside, I mean I know that everything is working but from an emotional point of view I don’t have any really I cut my arms just to see if im alive and the truth is I don’t feel anything I see the blood drip but feel no pain and that’s all I want is to feel something to know im alive, I walk round in my on little world, ignoring people but still knowing that they are looking at me wondering if im all there, I go out in a rain storm to see if I can feel the rain hit against my skin or just to feel the cold and I cant, I can barley even feel my own touch or the touches of others when they tap me on the shoulder or take my hand to lead me in a direction. The only thing I seem to feel is the heat and in work it is the most driest heat of all, it fills your lungs and makes u want to couch, almost choke as if u were breathing in second hand smoke.
My mind can wonder sometimes and still I can do the job that is required of me, yet blank everyone and everything out of existence until that specific task has been completed. I am even starting to wonder why I am alive or even why I am here when there are people in this world who want a better life or who have life threatening illnesses yet do not want to die, and here I am, alive though I do not want to be, I wish for death to take me I call to it everyday without even a whisper of a reply.
The thing that I was most certain in was love and that there is someone for everyone, but for the last year or so even that has been thrown into doubt and disbelief, I fear that love was an emotion never meant for me, I have friends but even they seem distant to me as if silhouettes in the background and I feel that not even my shadow is my own as if it is just an illusion but at the same time I feel like it is my only company at times.
The most content I can be is in darkness, or in candle light with some light music playing, that is my place of peace I am lonely I think that is my biggest problem but I have kind of learnt to deal with the fact that im going to be alone since I never have been a people person, ill only talk when spoken to I do talk to people but its mostly over the net, people who I have gotten to know and feel comfortable talking to, I don’t like a crowd of people round me especially when I don’t feel comfortable round them, its kind of like claustrophobia but not in the sense of small, enclosed spaces.
At the end of it all this life is just a slow death for me, its never ending.
short story
22:01 Mar 18 2005
Times Read: 840
Well this all begins with me i suppose and it will end with me to.
i feel different and i have for the last 3 years, ive only recently come to feel the difference but i have had it for the past 3 years, i have begun to feel less and less about people and things around me, i mean people who are close to me and whoi consider friends and family will always be so that will never change its just that i have begun to see the beauty in this world, i have begun to see right through things.
also i have begun to filter out certain things which i find distracting , some things are still harder than others to filter out but i belive that soon enough i will be able to even put them out of my mind.
I belive that my time is coming to an end in some shape or form and for that i am glad cause to be honest i have had enough, but the only thing that i ask is that i go out in a blaze of glory, in one final battle which i belive is coming to us all the one battle that will decide mankinds true fate and place amung the galexy, i dont know how to explain it but i am prepared for this and i want it to happen, i know that i am to die in this plan and that i want to, for once i am at peace with myself, which has been long enough coming i have drempt of this kind of peace through all the bulleying i went through in school and in the streets, through being beaten up outside my own house and even being afraid of going out, not of the fact that i will get beaten up again that does not frighten me but what does is being beaten up so bad that i know that one more kick in the head cud be my last and knowing that they will not have the courage to deliver that final blow to me, i dont want to be left for dead, id rather be dead once and for all.
i guess u cud say this is a kind of depression but i am at peace nd it is this peace that i can live with, but only for as long as i am supposed to and that decision is left up to me, i decide how long i have left and ill tell u now if i had a gun then i wud be gone, that is the only way i see myself dying weather it be at my hand or at anothers hand one thing is for certain, my time is coming and i gladly welcome it for i am at peace and will gladly look my enemy in the face as they deliver the final blow that will extinguish my life.
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