Let's start with the basics...
I suppose I'm not your average girl. but then again, what is average? My name is Maddie, and I'm on my way. I dream big, but my insecuties often hold me back. I'm employed at a daycare, I love kids, and plan on becoming on elementary teacher. Right now, I've got my CNA and choose not to use it. I'm working on getting my CDA so that maybe I can make a little more money. I guess I'm finally starting to realize that my future starts now. I have my good days and bad. I'm self-concious beyond belief. I'm bi-polar, and half of the time you will NOT enjoy being around me. I can turn into a major bitch in less time than something can set me off. But I'm a very nice girl. I will do anything I can to help anyone that needs is. I've got a big heart, perhaps too big. It seems that I get taken advantage of more often than not. But I feel that everything I do for others is the best thing I'm doing with my life right now. Although I'm a nice girl, I am not a good girl. I lie, I steal, I cheat, and I am not who you think I am. Personality flaws, really. I'm working on them. I've made plenty of mistakes, and I'll never forget my past. But the great thing about life is that you can learn from it. That's really all I want out of life: to learn. I'm very much interested in learning all I can about different cultures, countries, religions, and beliefs. There is so much to the world that people don't know about, don't care about. The only way we'll advance as a people is to learn and accept each other. So elighten me. I'd love to hear it.
My beliefs...
I admire people who have something to believe. People who will believe without a doubt, with all their heart, about something. It's beautiful. Part of me wishes I were able to do that. But I'm not. I do believe that there is meaning to everything. Things always happen for a reason, no matter how big or small the reason may be. I believe that what you do will come back to you in one way or another. I do not believe in any form of God or Being. I do not believe in a Heaven or Hell. I do not agree with organized religion of any form. However, I don't think it is a bad thing. It just isn't for everyone. There was a time when I went to church regularly, 'worshipped', if you will, God. But I view that as a brainwashed era of my childhood. I feel it is very important to think for youself and question your beliefs. If you still whole-heartedly believe, then it must be real. I will never judge someone from their beliefs. If anything, I will only learn from them. Keeping an open mind is critical. As for the idea of "vampires" and such things? Facinating. Isn't that why I'm here? I can listen to people who can talk to me without sounding like a complete fool about the subject for hours. It's all too interesting.
Shall we dig a little deeper?
My greatest enemy is myself. I am in an on-going battle, yet to win. I am far too critical on myself, unable to accept myself for who I am, no matter how much I beg myself. I've struggled in just being myself. Around you, I'll be exactly who you want me to be. You'll probably never know who I am, unless you get deep down and get me to trust you. I've struggled with anorexia for the past six years. For me, anything can trigger it again, and it is a daily struggle. I don't need pity or attention. I feel this is a part of me, and perhaps by sharing I'll be able to overcome it. I've not once in my life felt that I am pretty. Don't tell me otherwise, it just makes me mad. I flee to older men, perhaps searching for the love I never got from my father. But then again, maybe that's just my style. I know I'm not making myself sound good. If it bothered you, you should have stopped reading a long time ago. If you want to learn about me, you should at least be able to see (partially) who I really am. The one goal that means more to me than anything? Learn to love myself. That's all I want.
An upside?
After making myself seem like a total depressed bitch, I want you to know that that isn't all there is to me. I run much further and deeper. Those things are all part of me, yes. A big part. But, those are the things that I keep hidden, buried from the rest of the world. Those are the things many don't know about me. So why would I share them? I view this as a story of me, who I am, a chance for me to finally open up and come clean about everything that makes me. This is the one place that no one knows me, and no one can rightfully judge me. This is my chance to be myself. Most will choose not to read it anyways, so what's the harm? There is an upside in my life. Several actually. I do see a lot of good in myself. I am not a negative person, at all. I think that is one of the best things about me. I'm always looking on the positive side, and I will always find the good. On the outside and in, I am happy. Extremely. I am constantly smiling and, although I may seem as if I do, am not hateful towards anything or anyone. I have my outlets. Reading and cooking are my favorites. Curling up with a good book? The best. I love baking. Cookies, brownies, cakes. I know I'm good at it. I love doing it. It gets my mind cleared up and it tastes amazing. I am very smart. I may not always act like it, but I am a very smart girl. I like that about myself. Things in my life are going good, and hopefully one day, everything will be perfect.
I may sound like I feel sorry for myself. Like another self-pitying fool. But talk to me and get to know me. This isn't all there is to me.
"Now see, it's natural to assume the worst when you're raised to only trust yourself. But I must agree, you should know that you have been quite wrong. You only see what you need to see to feel worse for your sorry life; Not to fix it, but to only hide behind walls you put up. So continue feeling bad for yourself, it's not your fault, it's everyone else. There's one thing you fail to see. It's time to learn. It's time for people to try to look at things for what they are.
And not the best story line."
"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always."
-Life of Pi
