The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Tell a joke :)
Don't mind what kind of joke it is
Let's all have a wicked have some fun

So let's kick it off

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date

Lol

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.
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“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”

Lol

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
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"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

Lol

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."
Lol

On June 1876 Colonel Custer says to his troops before going into the Little Big Horn, "What Gatling guns? We do not need Gatling guns.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?”

The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.

A father decides it is time for his boy to be a man so he takes his son, on his birthday, to the local brothel. The Madam greats them and tells them they may pick whomever they like. The father pulls him aside and informs him that of all the girls he is not to pick Sandpaper Sally. The son goes to the other room to pick a girl. The Madam comes in an informs him that it looks like all the girls are busy except one, Sandpaper Sally. He remembers his father's words, thinks about it, and decides--"fuck it, Sandpaper Sally it is". So he goes into her room and they are getting it on and it is painful to him so he asks her what is going on for it to hurt. Instead of answering she goes to the bathroom for a good long while before coming out again. Then they go back to getting it on again but this time it feels wonderful. So he asks her what she did in the bathroom to make him enjoy this so much. She responds with, "Oh, I just removed the scabs".