The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Everythings gone totaly wrong.... I feel like I'm trapped in something.... and there is no way out. this wedding is not going to happen.... shes not going to come here.... I'm going to be let go from work..... I'm going to lose my car.... my reno is fucked.... my health is fucked.... all I can do is sit here crying into a half glass of absinthe....



How could I ever think life could ever get better.... who was I kidding....



Obveously myself



Watch me lose it all.... watch me fade away to nothing....

Yesterday I told her I would be here. I wont be free again till sunday.... I was free all day.... no her no answer no sign in no nothing.... nothing.



Again I spend my time off only this time my 2 days inbetween my work week.... still working.... working on here none the less but still working.



Knowing I have to work tomorrow and I've already had a panic attack at work her not being around to talk to.... I don't know if I can do this tomorrow go into the office.... the acid reflux and chest pains I had wensday where horrable.



I need her.... shes not here for me.... I'm doing all this for her.... I feel so empty right now, and alone.

I have 6 weeks left to finish this reno.... I have most of the supplys I need to finish.... still cleaning up garbage as I find more stuff to toss out.... I have a $600.00 tub sitting on the floor that I need the new electrical run for.... I need a print out from work of the last pay stub I had.... I still do not have bath room tiles or carpet.... the kitchens half done.... and I have no furnature....



Its down to crunch time.... and I still dont have the information I need from the imigration lawyer.



I need another electrition today.... to drop the cabels and for tub.... and I have to finish my clean up..... wensdays bath room day.... I need bath room tiles.... if all goes well thursday im painting again.... carpet goes in next wensday....



that will leave me 1 month to get furnature and try to come in under $6000.00 budget..... the bath rooms eaten up $2000.00 bed and sofa might eat up another $2000.00.... I might close this $1000.00 under where I thought I would be.



its gonna be a fast 2 weeks



I need to get back to my job then for next next few months.... and then I have imigration lawyers and wedding plans....



that said and done then I need to deside.... eatery or bar or both.... and plan a trip back to germany.



some where in the middle of all this I need to quite smokeing , drinking, and finish a german course.



sounds impossable dont it?

Congrats my head now hurts. I thought I had it all figured out.... I stear at the soon to be finished bath room.... why was I doing it.... I know why I was....



wtf...... just wtf



or why the fuck?



I just dont know.... now I dont know anything....



God I cant even type how I'm feeling right now.... depressed.... then not depressed then confused..... now really depressed.... tomorrow not so depressed but more confused....



bad timing just a load of bad timing.... maybe this is what my life needs.... maybe it will answer the questions in my skull..... or make things worse...



its worse.... the fairy tale ended the night mares came.... the monster sturs under the waters surface....... a monster brooding there for 4 years....



Love is like a bullet in the head.... uh huh......