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I'm below ground level I don't get much light down here. A few days ago I finally due to how hot it was out side I turned the heat down here OFF. That's right I turned the heat off its damp it's dark only one light turned on and it's 2 strings of blue led lights. I have not been happy I guess this is my way of couping. I have not left the bed yet I'm kind of afread it... yesterday's sun and heat drove me totally nuts along with my other issues.



The only thing I wish is that I was not alone I wish there was another body laying next to me. Something I could snuggle into I feel like a lost child in a shopping mall. Except who do I go to here no one to really turn to....



So I lay here and let that cold feeling I get on the inside like liquid metal spread I empty my mind I just lay here in total quite and feel my insides slowly creep to becoming colder then my out sides as if I was filling up with liquid nitrogen....

I sat out doors staring off into space..... it rained I got wet but I just sat there..... just sat there.... eventually I got up and came inside sat in the middle of the sofa and just stared off....



Light's where on no one was home..... I stayed like this till I finally went to bed and went right to sleep.



I woke up this morning walked back to the sofa and my brain turned off again.... I let my eyes go all dolly.... at some point I got up and finally had something to eat not much tho I'm really not eating right now.... I slowly climbed the stairs and locked myself in the bath room turned on the water and climbed in.... and just stood there..... did not really wash anything just stood there felt that burning feeling when the waters way to hot and just stood there till it stopped hurting....



I got a glass of water came down here and just sat here....and here is where I've been since just sitting here.... I'm not waiting for anything because nothing is coming.....



I feel nothing



I want nothing



I am nothing

She comes over for 3 hours the end result is I buy her something online because she wants it, and she is so upset almost $400.00 she then tells me she's all booked up for the next 2 weeks she does not even have the time to pay me back.



This is what love gets you it's by far the most perfect weapon in the world it makes us do things we should not do it makes us stupid and it makes us get hurt. All people do in this world is take take take no respect what so ever.



Me I'm in love in the most tragic of ways if the rest of the world told me I was pretty but she did not well what's the point of being pretty if the one person you want to more then anything can't see past there own nose. I love this person but I feel it will never ever be the same for her maybe she is afread of it.



You know most people only get one chance at this life I've been cursed with being here and seeing to much. Always looking for that one soul I keep loseing time and time again. I'm 100% I found what I was looking for but she's to blind to see what's standing in front of her what hugs her good bye.



Nothing lasts forever if I was to give any one advice right now it would be to see what you do have see how much it means to you if your one of the lucky few who has what matters to you the most.



Me I've never felt so alone in all my life.

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1SilentNoise1
14:29 Aug 29 2012

On a note to this entry.... she has not text-ed.... did not even text good night.... nothing....

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The 3rd lump the swelling went down thankfully.... I thought it was going to hem-rage.... and then....



She



Came



Back



^.^



She came back.... she'll be here sitting here next to me for a bit tomorrow I am so happy I could cry actually I am crying....

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supernova
08:15 Aug 28 2012

Here's to hoping the best for you!!!:)

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I said good night to friends who where online its morning here I got off work and I am going to bed.....



I wanted to write something here.... I'm really not feeling well.... I know there is something wrong right now I don't want to get into it.... really.... maybe I should be going to a hospital but I don't want to bother.....



I hate doctor's most people know this....



I guess I just wanted to leave this here so if you ever found it.... you'ed know that no matter what you did to me.... it never change anything.... I love you.... L



No one else could fill your shews no matter how hard I tryed to find someone else.... they where not you they could never be you.... I wish things had been different.... I wish we had more time.... maybe then you would have known how much I was not like any one else.... how much that 5 hour conversation meant to me..... just seeing you again was enough I guess.... something to hold onto.... one of the few good memory's from the past 5 years that I do have and maybe one of the only ones that matters besides last fall in that tunnel holding you in my arms....



Life's too short..... lesson is never take people or things for granted.... wish more people felt as I do.... maybe the world would be a better place.



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To any one else who finds this place where I put all these little bits of paper.... learn from it.... never treat people the way I had been..... its wrong and you should respect them more then that.....



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See you..... I'll be around.... because if my past memory's serve me correctly.... I keep coming back.

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supernova
08:14 Aug 28 2012

I apply these thoughts that you have put here in my daily life as I go through each passing of souls I may come in contact with. It has proven very fruitful. Thank you for reminding me these founding principles of why I do what I do in my life.

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What do you do when everything tastes like garbage.... when the world just seems grey.... when everything around you brakes, and falls apart.... everything seems to be rotting around me..... I can't move but something goes very wrong....



Food has lost all taste it all just tastes like I'm eating compost.



Still no word from her.... she answers no messages.... no sign of her either.... have not seen her any where.

you sit, and look out at it.... the world moving around doing what the world does.... I've always boarded on being a reflection.... you only get out of me what you put into me....



look what you've put into me.....



and it's rejecting....

I did write her once,and did not get an answer so I did write again,and still nothing. The sky is thick with clouds, and I'm sitting in a bank parking lot waiting for it to open I have less then an hour left to today's work day then I guess I go home, and go back to sleep. There is no purpose to being awake right now or at least it feels that way I have become very very very depressed. You would not think one person could effect me so much but I guess it depends on the person. Last time she almost ended me with her not so mature actions. Guess things are doomed to repeat then over and over till what's left of me brakes.



Not like that is going to take long at this rate.

Had to call a tow truck.... $50.... damage to the car it's can be driven but.... now I need another $200 part....



(puts head in hands)



My shoulders hurt.... my back hurts.... my neck hurts...



More people walking out of my life.... I went totally manic a few days ago maybe said somethings in my state of delirium I should not have said....



SHE came back into my life and has obviously left again....



YOU left....



I feel crushed squat down compacted.... I feel like I'm living in a very small space right now... I need to get to sleep.... I'm VERY not happy.... every thing is going wrong around me.... maybe it's all part of the curse....



I'm calling it a curse because it feels like one....



life is not and has never been a happy place for me but this past week.... things just got worse....



I am totally losing my ability to deal with things alone..... I need help



I just don't know where to go to find it.... because I don't really have any close friends people never stay around that long....



No one wants to stick around someone who attracts negative things.... or who always had bad luck.... I don't blame people really.... sometimes I don't want to be around me....



sometimes I wish I never existed at all I just feel like I'm being tortured.

I'm losing it.... now I am having work related night terror's..... missing time.... and I'm very disoriented like I forgot what day of the week it was.... :(



I need a hug or just company but there is no one....



:(



I don't know what to do with myself

See See less then 24 hours later.... it's like thanks for the apology I feel better now see ya bye bye....



Am I the only creature on this fucking DIRT BALL who still stand by the words I say? Am I the only thing left here with respect and honor???? SERIOUSLY....



I'm sick of people feeding me lines that there's going to be there.... it's just a big steaming load....



Fuck this.... fuck you fuck you fuck you.... and you all the way in the back ya you fuck you too.



This is me from now on being my awesome self all by myself.... I don't need empty words.....



From any one or anything!!!!!

Picture this.... I'm at work doing clean up for an inspection.... my phone vibrates in my pocket I pick it up.... there is a message.... I look at it and see who is it from.... and I hyper ventilate.... I almost fall over..... I go into a panic....



Wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf why is she messageing me.... honestly she blocked me off everything we where really close things where heavy as bricks and then she..... just walked for no good reason. I grab one of the girls off the line and drag them out side..... and I'm bouncing around doing the little school boy WHAT DO I DO..... WHAT DO I DO....... WHAT DO I DO...... I can't reply to her what if shes like intoxicated and this message is a mistake.....



I get out of the store I go for a walk.... I cant breath.... I wander around the square for a bit.... till I calm down.... I'm not replying to that message and I go back to the store for a bit..... then I go for a long drive..... and then the phone goes off again.... message..... message.... message..... message



shes appologizeing LOTS.... In fire back one word responses with my thumb because I'm driving.... end result after 2 maybe 3 hours of this? texting all the next day resulting in her meeting up with me after work....



she was here last night.... right there on that sofa next to me.... we talked.... we watched some stuff..... I kept looking at her like O.O she kept asking what..... I never really answered....





there is something she wont understand.... I let her back in.... just like that nothing changed we where right back where we were.... she did not understand why..... why?





Have you ever had that dream.... of your perfect person.... all there plus'es and there flaws.... both physical and mental.... that perfect person that looks that certain way does those things..... likes that stuff.... like if you could build a person out of lego's.... every brick in the right places.... You know that person you compare every one else to.... and realize there not exactly what you want in comparison but you make do..... and no matter what they do you can't be mad at them..... for me that person was sitting next to me on my sofa last night, and I'm scared to death to admit that.



La Sigh.... I'm mad in love.... you came back.... you missed me that much and you say you wont leave this time.... I hope so because I'm not going any place I don't need to.... what I want the most in the entire world is right next to me.

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supernova
12:09 Aug 14 2012

That was amazing!!! Love that...

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supernova
12:10 Aug 14 2012

That was amazing!!! Love that...

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I sat talking to his sister for a while today.... she sort of calmed me down. We talked about what happened.... I guess I needed it. I was concerned worried.... and maybe a little disturbed when someone you see as so strong fall so hard.



It's strange when someone's family member tells you to be there for them if they ask..... don't push it.... and don't blame your self.



I'm just trying not to think about it.... I go to work soon.... oddly enough it's given me a different Point Of View maybe one I needed.



You know maybe you should STOP thinking of people as things..... or people who just DO things.... maybe people should not look at people for what they are but who they are.... there human beings, and just like my friend they could be GONE in a second.... respect appreciate love the people around you because maybe just like that (snap) they might not be there any more.... people get so caught up in there STUFF and there BILL.... and Debit we forget what was more important.





Think about it!

So you say you read this..... well lets see if you do. I texted you last night my head was splitting open like an onion someone dug there thumbs into.... I'm still not a sleep..... I've been sitting here steering at the phone. No text no reply....



Where are you?



You got in.... you became my best friend as far as I see it.... I became attached..... maybe too much.... I don't know how to put it into words.... or tell you.... so that's why I'm writing this so you can read it, and I'll be done with the topic.... then you can either LOL at me.... never talk to me again.... and so on.....



Look your the only person I trust.... the only person I want near me at all.... I think I'm falling for you.... I know I've never met you but you've been there night after night after night.... you actually help me go to sleep at night just knowing your there.... I fall a sleep talking to you all the time..... I'm sorry that I do but you have no idea HOW it is such a good thing.



I wish you where here but you can't be.... my head is pounding.... I want to hold you or at least put my head in your lap but I can't.....



Do I do any thing for you do you miss me when I'm gone to? Or is this some kind of fowl joke.... make the creature who feels NOTHING feel SOMETHING.... and just let him rot....



There that's what I want an answer.... wtf are we..... what do you want from me? If the answers NOTHING then I wish I knew right now so I would not waste my time further.... if it's something then maybe you should tell me?



guess this is my way of saying....



I'm falling in love with you.... now tell me to fuck off or tell me to continue.... but tell me something so I know what I am suppose to do because I can't read you.... I can't read you at all.... my little internal GPS can't even pick you up....



Just don't expect me to cry I've found myself very incapable of doing so.....



Just read this then tell me the truth.... what am I to you... what are we?

The events of last night are going to plague my mind for a long long time..... him standing there wrists bandaged almost crying saying she pushed him to it....



After words me trying to talk to her.... and then she LIED to me.... you can't do that I smell it like fear on the wind..... my guts rolled over I know he is right..... if he stays there next time.... what's he going to try next time.... and then I.....



Walk Away.....



Yes I guess I could do something about this.... convince him he is right with that tone of voice.... make him leave her.... I could confront her and tell her I know exactly what she's doing.... It's gross when someone is so afraid to be alone they torture someone....



It reminds me of being locked in that room and kicked punched and screamed at...... till I blacked out.... fear turns these monkeys into berserk baboon's.....



you know sometimes it's ok to sit back knowing you COULD do something.... and just watch something fall to fucking peaces.... that's what I'm going to do.... I'll go to the funeral after

I would text you but I feel as if I am bugging you then again I always feel as if I annoy everyone. Why I have been told so many time's to go away, and to shut up.



Also I have been very hormonal as of late.... I've been mildly manic going from VERY HAPPY BURSTS to..... depressed.... to being numb.



I sit all night pondering the choices I have to make.... trying to find a happy place in the middle of it all, and the only thing I seem to have is work. Is it sad when someone feels so alone they turn to there job for company.... I don`t know any more I just hug my job, and go do it.



Only one person really brought me any form of happyness this summer and over all it has been a sad summer.... nothing has gone the way I wanted it to.... so much was to get done, and nothing resulted even tho I feel like I worked my ass off....



I don`t know.... I just feel lost right now :(

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Thousandyears
21:18 Aug 01 2012

I feel the same.

Lonely, lost,

No one to talk to, but co-workers.

And that's not the the same.

You try to find tranquility,

You push yourself and think, Something will change.

I promise it will.

For time is always changing, and so are you.

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