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I spent the day with my xbox....



When was the last time I talk to my friends? Well besides Joe... kinda cant avoid him we work at the same place.



I've tryed to figure out how I've been feeling as of late? Alone might be a good word? Disinterested could be another.... disinterested in anything local as it where.



Its been a month since I last saw Jay.... he leaves messages on my phone.... messages I never answer.



Its not that I dont like the few friends I do have its I've just been feeling like there's a wall there.... there in one world.... I'm in another. Thats the best way I can discribe it.



strangely enough.... I'm not happy I'm just going through the motions in some resemblance of life.... its not real beleave me its very plastic.

Once again I can't sleep.... I'm drinking flat ginger ale... and I wana puke. I just feel so sick this morning.



Went out with Joe last night shopping... he picked up an Ipod mini and a PSP...



PSP.... as much as I'ed love to have a transformers game on yet another device in this house I really dont see the need in these hand held devices, nore the DS.... call me silly but I'ed rather video games the old school way where your sitting infront of a tv :



Yeah not so talkitive to any one I have been as of late.... just not feeling well and with a slight change to the working hours this weekend things are not the norm.



Just havent wanted to do much as of late besides sleep.

So I got off work tonight and my partner in crime Mr Joe says come over and have a few drinks.... and drink we did..... why we where only watching the CBC who knows.... what resulted was 2 sick people and a really BIG roast... 2 forks 2 knifes and the cats looking at us with very hungry eyes....



Roasts gone



Rums Gone



and I feel loads better.... I think I was missing the iron in my diet or something :(

I've been feeling so drained as of late - I thought it was "the job" getting to me but I think it was more like physical fateeg. I push myself alot harder then I should sometimes.



Last night I was sleeping before 11:00.... I dident wake up till 6:01 this morning



For the past 2 days I must have seemed rather distent to my newest and bestest friend. I havent said much just been so tired... me sorry :(



I'ed be lieing thoe if I said in part it was not the job getting to me.... or seeing the two old people that are my adopted parents slowly loseing the memory and there minds.... watching the closest person in my real life get so frustrated with the boy I pushed him so hard to take.... me not having the energy to go visit the other best friend.... me not wanting to drink, eat, smoke.... not wanting to play video games besides WoW.... where as of late I've been playing solo on a lowbee toon far away from the clan I joined with my main.



The last person I was dateing.... I dont even understand why they where and this has been bugging my mind as of late as well.... she bearly spoke with me.... said she had opinions but never sheared them.... would come over to watch a movie and then just go to sleep out of it.... hardly ever waited to eat food with me so I was eating alone alot. I dont know why they wanted to date me.... I dont understand and it hurts my mind.



Was it my out side? The plane boreing styolized out side? We dident really talk for her to know my inside.... I always try to understand things and I like knowing reasons why.... and this confounds me.



The you have the exact oppisite in the current object of my etentions. A person who came out of know where.... all she did was read my journal and shes been sticking around ever since. She amazes me.... she see'es things in me I dont... maybe I did at one point but not now..... to me I'm just a shell.... with whats left bitz and peaces of a program that was a soul. Now an incomplete mix of something that was.... but with alot of whole punch holes in it.



I want out of here so badley.... I want to fill those holes back in with something meaningfull.

I want more life fucker.



I had been thinking of it.... what if I did pack and go to the USA.... what if I got you know that M word and stayed.... we'ed have to come back here and do it a second time to have duel citizen ship on both sides of the boarder.... that wouldent be a bad thing really.... but what would I do down there? I have to work I have to be MAKING SOMETHING or I get all depressed.... lol its funny I actually thought after all this.... I think I'ed like to make pizza for a while nothing HIGH STRESS.... I've had enough stress and I need to relax for my own health sake.



I feel a change coming.... I know where I want to be.... sometimes the hardest thing we can do is admit to it... and simply walk out the door and be about going to where it is we feel we should be.



But I dont rush things.... never have been able to.... things will happen when they are ment to not before and not after only at the exact time when they are ment to other wise they are not ment to.... you cant force life.



But you can learn from it and see its many patterns.



-



I wished I loved me as much as you love me - maybe if I let myself love you.... I'll learn to love me more by understanding why it is you love me?



-

So I get up early my mind trying to figure out how can I clear the remainder of my car payments, ebay the stuff I dont want, and how the news of me moving would go over. I make myself a nice brakefest sit down on the sofa and....



News footage.... my mouth hangs open.... hurracain force winds it says.... dust storms.... so thats why she dident come back online last night.... I hope shes okie.



I'm going to spend the rest of the day worried now :(



Also pondering if thats such a safe place to want to consider moving to or not.



I'm sacred now, please be ok please be ok

I woke up coughing to a taste of something that could only be discribed as blood and chemicals, and this highly nasty burning feeling like something was slowly burning out of my system... I expected to look down at my body and see steem comeing from it but there wasent any steem.



I am feeling better today but I guess the chemical concautions of pain killers, anti decongestents, and green tea well.... its really starting to give my body a most not plesent order.



Kinda reminds me of back when I worked at the fumeral home and we'ed have coffee over the bodys while they where doing the injections. Not the same smell but I feel some what pickeled in much the same way.... how any cold or flue bug could still be surviveing in my body is beyound me.... but yet it lingers.



yet it lingers

We need one more classification on this place... what if we dont WANT to do the house or coven thing?



There really need to be like a Ronin or rouge or sperate class for people who well, dont want to have anything to do with a house or coven based system, as of late I've had messages from people about the coven I am in, and let me tell you I sertonly dident ASK to be put in any stupid coven house or things like that.... about how said group was 1# rateing alot of accounts as some sorta evil trick....



I'ed like to publicly declair.... I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH COVENS / HOUSES OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT! I come here to write my little journal enterys - poke around - talk to the one person on here I've been talking to lately.... and generall leave the rest of you ALONE!



So... no more messages about my covens actions.... I DO NOT CARE! No more messages about would I like to change , and or go to another coven.... if I was in your coven I'ed be doing exactly the same as I am doing right now... NOTHING!



I am not takeing sides.... I dont care what house coven or what ever it says I am in.... My choice! and I'm saying NO to all this crap.



and now.... back to lurking.

The more and more I spend time here while I am sick, and I look around its become clear to me that over the years VR has changed or something.



More and more I find profiles that at a glance dont make sense to me. When did this place become a roll playing game?



First when I started coming here the people I had met on here ( mostly none of them show up here now ) where just being them selves and here for personal interest in the subject matter.



Yet here we are now with loads of profiles of people who do a main profile like there writeing up a profile sheet for a AD&D sesson - you get to the Portfolio's and its like HERE is the REAL me.... wtf????



Not to mention the possable copy right and or in some cases Identity theft.... yes I do realize once something is posted any place online it there for spreds out to all the nooks and crannys of the web.... pictures you posted 5 years ago show up on other peoples profiles and so on.



It just seems like there is not enough REAL here and maybe a little too mcuh fake.... or maybe im just bitter and jaded ^ ^ teehee who knows.

I'm here yes you know what that means eather



A. I cant sleep



or



B. I'm sick



today its B.... I am so weak most of last night was spent coughing and vomiting and just in general not sleeping much at all



I tryed to go to work today and failed.



Came home and this is where I have been since just sitting here listening to my insides make those strange "you shouldent have eaten the man food" noises



Cold flue cough liquid stuff - 400 millagram liquid advil - cough drops - green tea - and my eyes and face still hurt from any light getting on them.



I feel like shit :(

Tummy trubbles at work, work being trubble its self.... I cant help it but want to pack everything up and move some place warm with no snow.



I am so sick of snow - shuveling it, driveing in it seeing more of it fall... and the cold I'm sick of that too.



I feel like a lost prince on some forgotten frozen plane of some demi hell



I wish winter was over and done with :(

As you can see I can not sleep again.... I'm going to try again shortly thoe.... curl up with a book and try.



Monday was horrable - and it's left me wanting nothing more then to pack up and leave the place where I've been dwelling.



There is nothing more painfull inside ones self then to have everything anyone could want and still feel as if there is something missing - like a bad itch you cant scratch knawing away at some place on your back that dispite your controting you cant reach it.



I've spent the past 2 days eather in bed sleeping or up at the xbox 360 mindlessly grinding away at games that to be honest I dont really care for. They really do make these games to eaay to play these days.... what ever happend to 12 hour slug fests of run and gun ? Even HALO 1,2 and 3 leave me just wanting more and not 100% satisfyed.



I payed Big C for some figures he was sell - more Clive Barker figures - I think I have almost all of them that have been put out over the years.



Its funny you know today I went to the local comic shop - walking around with a loaded credit card like a gun - but finding nothing I wanted just a transformers comic and some WoW cards.... I dont even play the WoW card game I've just started collecting the damn things for something to do.



Thats it really I'm bored - I'm sick of the snow.... I want my car back so I can go put the new tires - rims - get the brake pads painted red - and tint the small rear window.



Life goes on.....