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I have to laugh sometimes.....



"we will always be here for you"



"we love you unconditionally"



You left me for them 1 month later they all leave you.... poetic. What I can not feel sorry for you. Even more so when your yelling at me calling me down to the dirt because I pointed out to you your flaws.... you retort calling me names. Telling me your coming for the rest of your stuff you left here, and thats that.



I'm leaveing now I'm done here.... our main problem in our relationship was that idiot he leave's leaveing you alone, and now you want nothing to do with me. 1 year of putting up with this bull shit. Why did you do it to me to make me suffer? I'll never know the answers....



When someone gets overly defenceive about you acuseing them of sleeping around what does it mean? You called your self a whore not me.... you said so your basically calling me a whore when I asked if you had ever slept with him.... you never answered my question.... you got as far away from that question as you could and to anyone looking in on this it would seem like a guilt omission.



If you've been keeping score you've probley realize the people where I live are VERY TOXIC. Back to condo shopping for me, and cleaning out this house the faster the better.



you made your messy bed now go lay in it.... or lay other people in it.... I just do not care any more.... and your so blind all you can do is think of your self.... you do not even see how much you hurt me or how.... all you say is I hurt you....



Did I poor booz down your throught no.... did I get you to leave someone you could have spent the rest of your life with to go party and get wasted no.... did I distract you from your life and moving ahead no.... did I make you lie and cheat no..... once you start lieing in a relationship there is no stopping.... you've gotten to the point you've lied to your self and beleaved it.



I am so sick of humans

As the feelings of depression leave.... anger hate and something else creeped in. Something much darker.... its going on 2 months since I met you, and then you cast me out of your life. You have no idea what that did to me. You ontop of the rest of it broke me.... but I am slowly rebuilding myself.... but I'm not me any more. I search for the chunks take the needle and string to pull the parts back into a patch work pattern.



When you met me I was still hopefull.... I was still trying to make my old life work.... crawling on bloody knee's. But I know now where I was who I was.... I'm leaveing it behind. The light left me.... I chose a side.... and I always warned people adore the darkness but be not of it.... because I knew what it can do to someone.... but I had no idea it could do this.



I feel almost nothing.... I care about almost nothing.... I do wtf I want to.... and yet one small spark remains.



You.... my mind it seems wont let you leave.... if you messaged me tomorrow I would go to where ever you are just to be next to you again.... I wish I could let go but maybe I cant maybe I never will....



I sit here night after night in the dark listening to music.... going for walks in the middle of the night I have not seen day light in weeks.... I'll tourture myself probley forever if only to make the statement "people should keep to there words if you tell someone how importent they are to you and how much you need them and want them" make them beleave it make them trust you.... because if you do not it effects them and you have effected me more then any one I have ever met.



I needed a friend and you left me alone.... your not here to see every moment every pain filled second.... watch me write music.... watch me try to replace you with someone something anything... nothing works



I'ed say kill me.... but I'm already dead

COMMENTS

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LadyXblackXRose
23:34 Nov 26 2011

emotions are a pain for all of us to have. If only we could close the bloody door.

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POST COMMENT

I have had back pain going from just under my skull down to my lower back and across my sholders now for 2 days.... its been impossable to sleep.



I finally turned to absinthe to numb me....



I am not well.

I stayed awake all last night.... texted one of my best friends in the world.... and then I had to go with my aunt this morning to replace a plaque / gravemarker on a family members grave.



Yes I sappose that it is a good thing they have a creature like me in the family who does not mind doing such things. Also the graveyard in question my dads father is burred there, his mother my grand mother, a few friends of mine, and my mom so I am very comfortable there. So it is like going to see family.



After that I came home messed around on you tube for a bit.... and then went to sleep.... I slept all day.



Now I am awake once again messing around with you tube. I used to have a youtube channel I took it down a long while ago. I have been thinking about putting one up again except what with me spending most of my time alone all you would probley get on it is alot of me randomly wandering around places.... not very exciteing.



:/ and that is my Sunday.... coffee, and drive soon.... going to watch The Walking Dead on AMC und then maybe some WoW.

All these years of coming and going from here, and for what? Everything I've done for people where I live.... only when I need them most to have them turn there backs on me. I've taken it as a sign.



A sign that its time dad was in some place with constent care.... A time where I admit keeping the family property is clearly not an option why live some place work pay taxes if your going to be alone. Not even winning a lotto right now would make a difference yes it would make moving easyer but besides that not much.



Will I ever find another below ground apartment space? Probley not unless I buy a town house some place and live in the basement. Will I ever trust another person who calls me a friend again.... no I doubt it.



Its time to go.... give me a few weeks I'll be out of here..... I'll write in here I sappose when I'm gone.... I don't know when I'll have internet access again so it might be some time before I update this after the final event of my life here ending.



Untill I have something actually worth saying.....



Gone

Then things look like there getting better.... then they take another nose dive into the black depths of shit fest....



Maybe my life is to broken for any one to fix it.... 3:00 in the morning last night still getting drama filled text messages....



What do people expect from me? I am not a toy you pick up play with for a bit the toss away.... I get really fucking pissed when I feel like I am just a novelty. Is that all I am to 99% of people a cute spooky novelity to play with for a bit then you eather get bored.... or what you realize I am to real and you want something more simple and plastic?



Vic - "i know for a fact that when you care about someoe you put everything into it

and give them everything and most of the time they treat you like shit"



Yup and I am sick of it!

Then the queen from her little thrown ontop of it all speeks.... and listens again.... and agree's this is horrable.... she really wants to help she does.... but I keep my word i dont give away names when I tell someone I wont say who they are I keep it that way.



If you find this.... sometime.... I've never said your name.... not here.... not to any one.



Dispite it would appear some beings want to help I still dont give up the ghost i know better.... never let them know whats importent to you.... they'll just take it away



maybe if I did tell her highness.... maybe she would help but I doubt it. I cant trust her.... I dont trust any one any more.



but I wish I could

You message me you tell me how guilt ridden you are.... you tell me how much you miss me.... you say how much you value me.... you say you want to keep me as a friend because I am the only being you can be your self around.



yet you prefur the company of those who see you as a novelty. I feel like less a of a creature because of you. Something not worthy of anything or any one....



If someone means so much to you why are not you here sitting next to them? If you miss someone so much why don't you just be next to them? If you feel so guilty why do you not see you did something wrong? Why do you just debait this to death dragging it on and on and on.....



I'm hurting.... your hurting.... can we please stop hurting?



You would never ever see two people who miss each other this much live only a drive away from each other. We even go to the same coffee shop, and yet.... yet we are being idiots.



All of this has taken me to some place dark.... some place I did not want to be.... its getting to the point the only person I want to talk to any more is the one person who is to stubborn to talk back.



If any one had seen us hanging out togeather they would think the same thing.... we both felt the same thing.... this is where we where ment to be. This felt so right the rest of the world dissapaired and for a little while we where both so fucking happy.



She does not seem to understand all the pain that I have been put through, and how significant it was for me to just let another human being physically touch me at this point. She does not seem to realize what she means to me at all. The only light in the darkness where I live. In all my years the only person I can freely admit I CANT LOSE. I've pushed so many people away. I've lost so many relations friends family.... nothing hurts me as much as this tourture does.



If any one ever cared about me at all.... I wish someone would just tell her.... look you dont get THAT close to someone, and then shut them out.... only to go drink your self stupid.... only to go wandering around looking for something you already have. Its yours its right fucking there how many other people would give so much to be in your shews to have someone so hopelessly devoted to a friend that no matter how much this hurts if you messaged me right now and said okie come get me ied be there across 2 citys in 5 mins 38 seconds.



But instead I just sit here waiting for the next time you message me feeling guilty sad alone.... knowing even if your heart tells you different.... you will never do anything about it.



some people just do not respect what they have till its gone.

I love it when people tell you.... if they hurt you now it will hurt less later. Then turn around weeks later and say that they do not have time for you at the same time..... yet you had time to go hang out with those idiots.... fuck your self up and vomit into his tolet....



and unless I am insane you where at that other party to.... I WISH I WAS AS FUCKING DUMB AS YOU SEEM TO THINK I AM..... i wish i was but I'm not....



- in other news -



when someone tells me to go away.... I go away.... i delete you off friends lists off msn off everything.... and I never talk to you again!



it's my little way of damage controle... no tag backs!



- and now for the weather



ITS FUCKING SNOWING OUT SIDE......





FML

Last night at around 2:00 ish in the morning there where 3 BOOM's that totaly shook my house.... I went out side looked around no sign of anything no sound of fire trucks.... nothing.



I come back in and wait a while..... it happens 2 more times....



I text around asking if there is a thunder storm or something and I get a no.... no there is not.... I explain whats happend and most people think I was on something.



I am very confused today :/

It was the longest sadest halloween ever. This had been the worest october ever.....



Makes me wonder how slow and painfull November is going to be.



Today I woke up.... checked the internet saw yes the internet is still there..... and went back to sleep..... yup thats about all I could do today thanks to some people (coughs)



sighs