The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

21:02 Jan 31 2008
Times Read: 914

I think tonight I'm going to make a chicken alfredo casserole. I am trying something new.



Hope it comes out good.

04:49 Jan 31 2008
Times Read: 893

I am way too young to keep having these hot flashes.



-.-



Then I run the air and get too cold. I need a new body thermometer thingy. Mine is broken.

00:16 Jan 31 2008
Times Read: 894

Well John went to his parents house and came back bearing goodies. I have been craving crackers and he brought back a whole box. Yipee



Oh and I have more candy canes. ^_^





YAY

01:20 Jan 30 2008
Times Read: 896

Good day I have had. Took the longest nap I have taken in a while. Figured out what was wrong with my eye and started to take care of it.(actually I started the warm cloth thing before we figured it out) Oh and I'm watching the Sabres kick the Lightnings ass.





^_^

17:35 Jan 29 2008
Times Read: 898

For some reason I'm craving salty food.



Don't know why, I just am.

15:53 Jan 29 2008
Times Read: 902

*yawns*



For some reason I have a feeling today is going to go bad.

06:58 Jan 29 2008
Times Read: 904

With the lack of sleep I have been getting the last few days I have a feeling when I can finally get tired I'm either going to crash really hard or have nightmares.



I'm praying for the crashing and sleeping like a baby. I hate my damn nightmares.



Oh I thought I would share this with everyone. This is a picture of the only jewelry I wear. It is a necklace with a few things that mean a lot to me. I recently added a new thing to the chain that isn't in the picture. It is John's class ring. I wear it because when I hold it I feel his protection and love all around me. The superman pendant is a tribute to my dear friend Kenny.(for whom I made the profile layout for), the dog tag/peace sign is a reminder of what I stand for. I support the troops, but not the reason why they are there.(if that makes sense) I am also a solider of peace and would love nothing more in this world than for all wars to stop.







BTW that is heavy pewter and if I was to throw it at someone they would get a damn concussion. I feel naked without it though.

07:43 Jan 28 2008
Times Read: 913

So yeah I was asked to be apart of a 7 deadly sins photo project. As gluttony....



Dunno what to think about that one.

00:24 Jan 28 2008
Times Read: 917

For some odd reason my eye hurts



o.O

06:35 Jan 27 2008
Times Read: 923

So usually when I log into myspace I don't have anything worth looking at. No messages, no friend requests, nothing like that. Today was different.



I log on to see that I have a friend request. Not just any person either, it was my best friend from middle school. We were friends up until high school drama and lies pulled the two of us apart. He was my brother from another mother. I loved that boy to death.



I have been looking for him for a while now and had no luck finding him. I'm so happy he found me. ^_^



*remembers days of tricking the teachers into letting us sit next to each other*



And that made my day so much better. Oh and finding out how much we are going to get back from taxes helped too.

A personal look at money.
20:29 Jan 26 2008
Times Read: 932

Recently I have noticed that more and more the ones with the money are getting favored.



I really hate that. If you were in my situation you would understand. For those that don't know it here is the run down.



Back in September John lost his job due to outsourcing. I wasn't working due to my health(same reason now). We were lucky to get a seasonal job for the months of September and October. That paid the bills up until the beginning of December. Then I applied yet again for food stamps and medicaid. To add to that at the end of October I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. During the month of December if wasn't for a friend of John's and me taking my Christmas gift from my grandparents to pay the bills we wouldn't have made it.



Come January John finally gets Unemployment Comp, but it isn't enough to cover the bills. We have lost our food stamps because the government won't listen to us. We only made rent because his mother took a payday advance out. We have to pay that back and we are 3 months behind on the phone bill. 2 months behind on the electric and don't really have all that much food. Rent is due again on the 5th of February and we won't have it. My family won't help because that is how they are. We can't get government help because we don't have a child. I can't get treatment for my cancer because I don't have a child.



The only thing that makes me happy is the fact every day I wake up next to him. I get online to escape the problems I'm faced with because of money. I have stopped actively planning my future because I don't know if we will have a place to live come next week.



Yes we both have PM's and I do have a second account. Why you may ask? Because we got them before this happened.



I don't know what to do anymore.

18:18 Jan 26 2008
Times Read: 937

Oh I wanted to put this up before I forgot yet again.



We are thinking about moving the wedding to the end of July so we can go to the VR meet up for our honeymoon.





Yes I will be there. No I don't have a damn clue what I'm wearing to the ball yet.

14:22 Jan 26 2008
Times Read: 944

I totally forgot how awesome it is to just sit back and take music in and relax while the guitar moves up and down through the scales and arpeggios of a song.





*goes back to listening to Metallica*

02:34 Jan 26 2008
Times Read: 950

I really wish my back would stop hurting.



In more happy news, the girl that contacted me the other day is clean off drugs now. She is even checking herself into a rehab soon. ^_^

*_*
01:37 Jan 25 2008
Times Read: 955

I am so happy. I got a message from an old friend today. I'm glad she is doing good. I'm not sure if she is still clean, but yeah its good to hear from her.



Though I do feel bad that I wasn't paying attention when she messaged me.

06:22 Jan 24 2008
Times Read: 959

I think its bed time when you can't see straight.



Oh and my baby fell up the stairs last night. I just had to add that fact.





:P

02:37 Jan 24 2008
Times Read: 963

I got to thinking tonight.



I am going to fight back this time. He isn't going to win.



*nods*



That bastard is going down.

01:06 Jan 24 2008
Times Read: 970

Might be taking a slight break from things.



Life is making me think again.

01:25 Jan 23 2008
Times Read: 978

So far today has been good. I went and hung out with some friends. Later we are going to go get some dinner.



Plus I think I may be able to get some more graphics ideas tonight. ^_^



Oh and I'm a dressed up and have the hair done.

17:07 Jan 22 2008
Times Read: 992

So we have had a massive bug problem since we moved into the apartment. We have told the office several times and the bug guy they have been sending out hasn't done anything. It seemed that when ever he would come they would get worse. We have even bombed the place and the damn things wouldn't go away.



So today a new exterminator company shows up. We had to empty the cupboards and what not. He saturated the place with chemicals and now the bugs are crawling everywhere. Not the whole "bitch you can't kill me" crawl. Its the "someone save me I'm about dead" crawling. Not to mention they keep falling off the ceiling. I'm relieved that they are dying, but creeped out because they are everywhere.



Stupid bugs....stupid florida....if it snowed down here we wouldn't have this issue.

15:47 Jan 21 2008
Times Read: 1,009

So this morning I got to thinking. I should really get started on that project I had in mind. I sent out a casting call on MM for a photographer but I don't think I'm going to find one that will be able to take my idea and do what I want with it.



What I want to do is take a bunch of black and white pictures of me wearing my normal everyday grungy gear in the area I live. I pretty much want the whole thing to show the beauty of me no matter what I am wearing. I want a few shots to just focus on my eyes. I won't wear a lot of make-up, just eyeliner to bring out my eyes a bit more. My hair will be done in braids, not like it matters because I will be wearing a beanie.



Damn I might as well take the pictures myself.

01:01 Jan 21 2008
Times Read: 1,016

I went to the flea market today. A friend of ours took us with them and we picked someone up that had never been to one before. He wore a suit.



-.-





Then I took a nap. Not really a big day. Just one that wore me out.

01:11 Jan 20 2008
Times Read: 1,022

So we have some friends coming over for dinner tonight.



I personally think they need to hurry up before I eat everything. ^_^

18:45 Jan 19 2008
Times Read: 1,030

I just feel so blah today.



Don't know why, I just do. I usually get this way around this time of the year. I guess its just me reliving the past. I really shouldn't do so, but I can't help it.





Maybe another bath today to calm me down, just minus the flowers.

Wedding Update
17:22 Jan 19 2008
Times Read: 1,034

So more wedding plans have started to take place.



We decided not to rent a hall out for the reception. Instead we are going to put a huge tent up and have it out on the beach.



The dress is going to be made out of cotton and I'm going to not wear any shoes. The only flowers I will have is the single rose I will hold.



The rings are going to be plain bands made of white gold.



And the honeymoon...well haven't quite figured that out yet.

Reasons why not to put flowers in your bath...
03:25 Jan 19 2008
Times Read: 1,042

They get stuck up your butt.....





And make you nick yourself while shaving...







Oh btw I took my first bath with actual flowers in it. I put some lavender in it to help me calm down. I'm never doing that again.

01:46 Jan 19 2008
Times Read: 1,051

So I dealt with people all day long.





I'm not feeling all to great now and I just want to curl up and sleep. Plus I had no coffee or soda to keep me going through the day.





-.-



And I wore make up....

17:03 Jan 18 2008
Times Read: 1,062

So according to the government I'm still a child, but I can't get state insurance because I'm living on my own as an adult.



The lady on the phone told me to just go get a job with insurance. Thing is I have a medical problem that stops me from holding a job. I can't be put on disability because I don't have the insurance to go see a doctor. So right now the government is telling me that I'm not able to get insurance because I did the adult thing and tried to live on my own.



*cries* I just want to be able to get healthy and I can't.

15:36 Jan 18 2008
Times Read: 1,065

Long day ahead of me.





Hopefully things can go smoothly. ^_^

01:41 Jan 18 2008
Times Read: 1,080

Ignorance is not bliss. Stupidity is though. Ignorant people can rectify not knowing something. Stupid people just are too stupid to do so.

23:31 Jan 17 2008
Times Read: 1,088

Knowledge is power.



I know some powerful words coming from someone that is only 19, but I have to say being knowledgeable in things will get you further in life.



Growing up, I was always known to go sit by my parents and their friends and listen to their conversations. Most parents consider this to be nosy, but my mom thought it was the best way for me to learn. If they were discussing politics, economy, or just how their day went, I could learn something. I recall asking my step dad numerous times about his day at work(him being a mechanic) and asking the exact way he fixed something. It taught me a few things about the materials that he worked with and some of the problems that existed. Granted it didn't help me much in biology, but it made me a bit smarter.



When politics were mentioned I was always there trying to find out more. Having been taught about politics at a young age helped me form my own decisions when voting. (Which I get to do finally this year)



Another thing I am glad my mother did when I was growing up is correct my grammar. She was an English major in college and despised poor grammar and spelling. I am now the same way. Her corrections of my grammar and her spell checking all of my work helped me become one of those teenagers that don't look stupid when they are out there in the real world. Yes, I can fully diagram a sentence with no issues. Yes, I do speak like an adult with proper grammar when I talk. Yes, I do correct peoples grammar as well. Why? Because knowing the right way to do things can only better you.



Oh and the best part of my knowledge is this. I am 19 years old, I have been out of high school since I was 17. I graduated from high school 2 credits short of my AA. I scored a 1560 on my SAT and can go to any college I so choose. I live on my own and can get a job that isn't dealing with fast food. This is all because I took the time to learn.



Knowledge is power.



(Oh I know I rambled, I don't care)

17:30 Jan 17 2008
Times Read: 1,094

I just want to sleep all day long.



I don't know why, but I do.

07:04 Jan 17 2008
Times Read: 1,098

I just finished watching Alvin and the Chipmunks...OMG I am just like Theodore.



^_^



Its a cute movie. I really liked it. I can't wait to see Sweeney Todd though. That one will be tomorrow.

Thoughts
05:29 Jan 17 2008
Times Read: 1,099

I have had a few thoughts bugging me. The first one being my wanting children.



For those that don't know, I may not be able to have children for much longer due to my health. The one thing I want most in this world is to give John a son. The thought keeps popping up in my mind that I can't give him that one thing.



Another thought that has been making an appearance mostly today was the thought that I am nothing but someone to be used. I have been through some shit and to almost be raped the other night brought back a side of me that I have worked so hard to suppress.



I also keep thinking about Kenny. At the start of next month it will be 2 years since he killed himself. I still blame myself and my drug use for that one.



I just don't know what to think right now. I'm going to go watch Alvin and the Chipmunks to get my mind off it. ^_^

19:18 Jan 16 2008
Times Read: 1,105

Today has been good so far. I think I may have to take some time to myself though.



I have a lot of things to think about.



Mostly rethinking my thoughts on the male gender.(Minus my other half)

16:52 Jan 16 2008
Times Read: 1,109

Something that I have always thought personally.



In order to be the best in your art, you need to be exposed to all types of it. If its music you need to listen to all types of music. I know I'm a singer(mostly in the hard rock genre) but I listen to all music. Why? because it helps me formulate better ideas, expand my knowledge, and makes me a true musician.



In dancing I have always tried other forms of dance besides ballet. It helps a person grow in that art form.



Plus when you go to a school of art and you can't tell the instructor who Mozart is or who someone else is, it looks bad.

16:42 Jan 16 2008
Times Read: 1,110

Why is my damn heater blowing out cold air again?



*growls at the stupid thing*



It is way too cold in here now.

01:23 Jan 16 2008
Times Read: 1,114

I feel icky. I have taken the hottest shower possible and slept the most I can.





Eww



I just want to feel not icky.

22:12 Jan 15 2008
Times Read: 1,119

Home has never been sweeter.



That is all I have to say.





*holds her big giant teddy bear*

18:55 Jan 15 2008
Times Read: 1,127

I've decided that I'm going to go home a day early. I love Orlando, always have. But I can't handle this. Last night what he did to me made me realize that yes, he has changed, no not in the good way.

16:37 Jan 15 2008
Times Read: 1,138

I spoke way too soon.



Things started to go a bit wrong. Though I stopped it I was on the verge of tears feeling like I did something wrong when I did nothing but sleep.

04:05 Jan 15 2008
Times Read: 1,144

So far things are going great. Talking about music alot and what not. No mention of our past.



So good news so far. ^_^

23:10 Jan 14 2008
Times Read: 1,156

Well until Wednesday I shall be off doing interesting things with my ex.



He wants to take me to his school to show me the recording equipment, so that should be fun. I also will get to talk booku music stuff and graphic things with him. Not to mention I'll get to actually have some good pictures taken of me. I'm sort of looking forward to this. I just hope he can respect me.



I have my knife in my bag just in case he can't ^_^

16:20 Jan 14 2008
Times Read: 1,163

Today I'm probably going to make the biggest mistake I have made in a long time.



My ex Andrew wants to come pick me up for a few days and take me to Orlando.



I know he still loves me and wants to be with me. I also know that he was violent and vindictive when I was with him. He said that he has changed and I'm trying to believe it because he was a good friend to me. I am bordering on scared and nervous with this now.



The good thing is I have changed, regardless if he has or not, and I will not be stupid and fall for him again. I am too much in love with John to do anything like that.



I still don't know if I should go.

16:34 Jan 12 2008
Times Read: 1,177

This morning I get a message that surprised me. Andrew messaged me telling me that no matter what has happened between us he will always love me and he wants to see me happy. He said that if me being with John is what makes me happy than he is glad I have him.



This is a big thing for me because for 3 years of my life I was with him and loved him. Granted it was during high school, but its still 3 years of my life spent with him. I think him having to see me struggle to get my life back together has made him realize that I have moved on from him. I still have love for him, but I don't love him.



He wants us to hang out and go chill somewhere soon. I doubt it will happen, but I'm always up for talking with him. I'll never be able to just let him go completely out of my life. It just doesn't work that way.



I think if anything we can go visit Kenny's memorial spot and talk there. Its almost that day again.

07:07 Jan 12 2008
Times Read: 1,186

When I'm in so much pain I can't lay down. Would you say that I relapsed by taking a muscle relaxer to help me be comfy?



I have a friend over that had his that are prescribed to him and he gave me one to help me. I have been doing so good, and I really didn't want to take it, but the pain was too much.



I'm now having a moral issue. HELP

00:11 Jan 12 2008
Times Read: 1,192

Marshmallow fluff is the best thing ever invented.



Add bread, peanut butter, and milk and you have a great little snack.





And sugar high if you use as much fluff as I did.

22:21 Jan 11 2008
Times Read: 1,196

I find that life has been getting better and better for me.



I think maybe I will start to have a more positive outlook on life.



I'm going to try it for a week and see what happens. I may also try to remember for a week to take dinner out of the freezer the night before.



One thing at a time.

16:09 Jan 11 2008
Times Read: 1,202

This is a story that I wrote a while back. I have had it here under a private entry and now I feel that its time to show it off.

---

Throughout everyones life there are those defining years. For me it was my freshman year. I was one of the smartest and most ambitious people in my grade. The problem was, I didn't feel as though I belonged with the pretty people. For the longest time I worked to be a part of the popular people. I was tall, skinny, blonde, and hung out with the coolest people. But when I was with these people I felt alone. I had always had a fascination with the darker side of things and it was starting to show through.



When I look back at my past I realize that I was destined to be who I am now. Growing up I remember watching my mother give tarot readings to friends and family, her talking to ghosts, and watching her do candle magic. When I got to the age of knowing exactly what was going on I tried to do magic in my school bathroom, started to steal my moms darker make-up, and begged to be allowed to paint my nails black. I was allowed to do what I wanted because my mother didn't want to hinder me from anything. This was my downfall later in life.



When I started high school, my "friends" started asking me if I believed in God and when I told them that I wasn't sure they started to shun me. For some time I didn't know what to do. I was raised in a difficult situation. My mother raised me in the metaphysical, yet I went to a Catholic school and attended mass every Sunday. So I was confused about what I believed.



Those friends ditched me and I figured it was time to make some new friends, so I decided to take a class to help me meet new people. In that class I met a boy who called himself Mortus. He was an amazing person and he didn't care about anything. Him and I became really close and after a bit of hanging out I wanted to date him. I dropped hints all the time and he never picked up on them. Instead his best friend Selven did. I started to date Selven and fell head over heels in love with him. He taught me to be myself and I started to openly practice magic and became one of the biggest known Pagans at school.



After a few months of being with Selven he mentioned that the only name he could ever think of for me when we first met was Natyla. From then on it stuck. I was deeply in love with him and eventually decided that he was the one I wanted to give myself to. We talked and decided to get handfasted. The night we did that, we both gave ourselves up to the other. It was the sweetest thing to ever happen to me. Then the darkness started to seep in.



About 2 months after getting handfasted I decided that I was grown enough to live on my own so I moved out and into Selvens house. Things were great at first. Then he introduced me to an evil thing. Crystal.



We would do that to stay up during the week and took pills to sleep on the weekends. I got into a routine and stuck with it for years to follow. To this day I'm glad I got out of that mess.



He told me that he would love me to death and then he started to beat me. I realized that if I didn't get out I would be dead. So I told him that I was wanting to take some time to myself. He said that was fine, and I moved back in with my mom.



I started to date a friend of mine and after a month or so I fell for an older man I had met at a convention. I talked constantly about this man, and made plans to run away to live with him. To have him adopt me and take care of me.



After a few months of being with him, things happened and we fell apart. I crawled back to Selven and went back to my old routine.



For about 2 and a half years I kept up with the darkness and pretty much threw my life away for this guy. He changed me into who I am now and I will never forget him.



Today I'm back with that older man. He saved me from the darkness, has kept me clean, shown me love, and taught me the lighter side of life. I still love Selven, but thats not a love that can ever go away. I have a new love that is stronger and more true.



From now on instead of being Natyla Selven, I'm Natyla Inconnu. Inconnu because I'm still unknown in my new life.

PRIVATE ENTRY
00:26 Jan 11 2008
Times Read: 1,204


• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •

22:27 Jan 10 2008
Times Read: 1,205

So yeah the dishwasher doesn't like me.



I was in the shower trying to do my shower things. I was shaving and what not. Then all of a sudden I get a shock of cold water. I yell out asking John if he was running any water and he said no. I told him then something was wrong with the water heater. He then asks me if I want him to turn the dishwasher off....hmm yeah.



So after its been turned off for a bit I decide to just brave the cold water. Just as I finish up the hot water starts to work....





-.-

06:06 Jan 10 2008
Times Read: 1,209

its time for me to take my little butt to bed



But I don't want too.....



Its too comfy in my chair

00:22 Jan 10 2008
Times Read: 1,212

I have a new hatred for the George Foreman grill thing.





It burned me....and it made my steaks not juicy. T_T



Screw it, I'm making steaks like I normally do from now on.

19:03 Jan 09 2008
Times Read: 1,214

I love my friends.



I'm going to be able to get a job at the Wal Mart food store. And I will have a ride there too.



WOOT

17:58 Jan 01 2008
Times Read: 1,219

Fireworks need to be illegal here in Florida....





I want to fucking sleep and them being set off under my damn window doesn't help....







If it happens later tonight I will call the cops.

A year has passed
08:48 Jan 01 2008
Times Read: 1,224

And its time for me to reflect. I have been doing really good. At the start of the year I was doing horrible in my rehab program, about a month after that I buckled down and started to come up with my own way to stay clean. Since leaving the rehab in March I have not used, haven't really drank anything(I think I drank once and it made me feel like shit) I hit a rough spot in April, but luckily I had someone show back up in my life. I get online and I have a random message from a old friend. He had been looking for me for 3 years and had finally found me on myspace. We started to talk and with his help he showed me that the guy I was with was bad for me. I then got kicked out of where I was staying, lived in my best friends living room for a week, and then when I had no where to go I call the same guy that helped me realize things. I was scared and he spent his last dollar to get me out to his place so I would have a place to stay. We fell back in love and got back together. Then in June I got told that my grandfather was going to pass away soon. I went to visit him on his deathbed and pretty much let myself go crazy over him. He passed away in early July. In that same month, my little brother was in 2 car accidents(both from him not being in the car), my mother had surgery on her breast because of cancer, and we got the news that John was going to be laid off. Come August things were looking better for everyone. In September John got laid off from his job, but luckily him and I had a seasonal job to help us. That lasted until October. At the end of October I found out that I have cancer. November was pretty ok, and then December came. I turned 19, got engaged, and realized that this year has been really interesting.



Things I have learned this year:

1) Love can heal everything

2) Someone does care about me, even if I don't care about myself

3) Life is beautiful



I hope this coming year will be a bit less sad. ^_^

07:14 Jan 01 2008
Times Read: 1,225