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So right now my mind is in a pretty stable place. I hope anyway. Haven't had my great big mood swings that I have noticed in several weeks or the anything major set me off. My energy has been pretty level which for once I am grateful for that I am not as needy this month because the person I draw it from the most is under the weather this month...and I hadn't seen her for 3 weeks prior. (damn but I missed her)



Maybe I am feeling stable because I know she can't give the extra energy this month and needs it for herself. Not very good ramblings today...but maybe that will change and i will have to edit this when I wake up in the morning...Who knows...



Bonez...Congrats...on you know what. I tried to send good energy your way cause I knew you would need it...just from the stress of it all. (I'm not very good yet but it's the thought that counts)

So I decided that last time I updated my status I would wait at least two to three weeks before updating again. I made it 18 days...man it takes for ever for your time to go up when you get to days. I've rated...I have started reading general forum posts from the earliest and going forward in time...There are a lot of interesting things you can learn from that...



Let me say that from what I can tell...Cancer you rock...and I just wish that if I had found this site 4 years ago that I would have joined. (of course I probably wouldn't have stuck...I was a completely different person then) To be here from the beginning and watching it grow has got to be one of the best things...even with all the bugs. Cancer Thank you for starting this site.



But back to the updating thing...So I spend a lot of time on here...which is okay cause this site has changed my life already. And I can safely say "Hello, My name is Alex and I am a Vampire Rave addict"...can i get a coffee to go with that?



So In doing this I skipped being a savage...I so wanted to be savage...



Next Update....lets see how long can I wait? Let me think...I will try not to update my status until November 15th? A month and 8 days from now...I can do that hopefully...so lets see if I rate average of 50 profiles/portfolios a day that's roughly 3000 rated during that time (wow that is a lot) and spend an average of 2 hours a day on here...about 90 hrs...i should hit the next level..



Oh yeah I should probably do a few forum posts too...so that will help

What is the best thing for me? I have wanted so many things in life and find that when I get them I draw back away from them. I hurt other people in doing so...but I was hurting them before I drew away. I am not what is best...I am unable to function on some level that make me seem like I don't care about those around me. I care...I just also want whats best for them and that is not me at this time.



I have had many conversations with myself over the last few days trying to figure out me...and why I am the way I am. Or should I say the way Alex and I are when we have different ideas about things. But with learning to be honest with myself I have to be honest with others. I'm sorry for the hurt and confusion I've caused. Just know that we are doing what we think is best..



I have been listening and watching more than I can say to what is going on with me and around me. I am starting to notice things I have never noticed before about how I see the world or my lack of perception on certain things. But what is the best view?



I have been taking to heart what other have commented on and found that I am lacking in certain areas that I never thought I would have trouble in. My attention is split...some blame it on my addiction to this site. But I think that without this site I would not be able to really find the new me. I have found pieces of myself and friends that I probably would never have found before.

I never really cared one way or another (at least to a point) if I had talked to people outside of my core group of friends and family...and here I am meeting so many great new people. Branching out a bit if you would into exploring many possibilities.



What is best for me....right now it is finding me and what I want from life...

COMMENTS

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ValkreanDragoon
22:27 Oct 01 2008

Hello Alex.... I wish I could give you all the answers and make everything ok for you... but that I cannot do... all I can do is be here for you when you need it, and to tell you that the best thing in finding your self is to get out of your head, forget everything you think you know and believe, look inside your heart for the answers, they are all there, and you will find that you have always known... only you can find what is true for you, it can be a scary process, but thats what friends are for, to help you through them.... you have a few of us, and we each hold something for you... you will find many things about your self through us with in your reflection.... May your Journey be a Kind one..

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Zilaheteb
10:10 Oct 03 2008

Ahhhh....my chosen ...always running, when they could just walk and enjoy the journey. It is one thing to open yourself up inside.....that you are doing, somedays better than others.....but open yourself up tp life. Without over thinking, or second guessing......just live hun. Its a short trip we spend here......I would love to see you laugh, love and grow with those who love you. This battle does not have to be internal, you chose to keep it there....come back out and play again, I miss you.

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