WHY OH WHY01:57 Aug 13 2007
Times Read: 601
So today I sat and just did random looking around at those stupid myspace things that deal with folks you went to school with. Yeah it ended up being more depressing than I could have ever realized. You see all of these people you went to school with back when things were easy. Life then didnt seem that way at all. Highschool pressures. Gotta get the cool shoes, gotta make the grade... gotta get cool... gotta be friends with those people. GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA. Now you look and half of them have done great for themselves so it appears. Some are married. Some have kids. Most are in the military. I stand here looking at were I am and want to cry. Eventually things will get better sure. But christ.... I sit and go... why couldnt I find the happieness early like these people. Why do I still have to be were I am. I was just as pretty, just as smart, and just as determined as the next. Why do I get to sit lonely. Why did I find the ones who wanted to hurt me. Why cant I find myself a place that I feel like I belong. I fight so hard... everyday... all day.... just to make it. To make sure my girls are taken care of. All of those around me have the help that they need. I end up with a parent that is selfish and pretends to help, but when I ask for it, all I get is a guilt trip, a paw out on payday, telling me that I owe her this or that. When my girls grow up and need something from me... I make a promise now that I will never deny them, never complain, and never make them feel like they owe me anything. And now being in the dating scene (which is entirely different than what i have ever known) I'm lost and confused. All of this is insane.
People see strength in me that I have no idea about. I dont see it as strength. I feel there being failure.
For any one who doesnt know..... Being a single mother this day in age is impossible. It will break you. The guys in that persons life see a woman in peices. Its not that we dont want something more.... but when is there time. Work kids work kids work kids.... no time to sleep... no time to eat.... no wonder we dont smile.
All I ask if for some one to care. To SHOW they care. I ask for the same fearlessness that I wake up with every morning knowing that once again the car note needs to be paid and there is just enough left over after that to feed the kids. Once again some one comes and goes without feeling or regard for what is really needed. Once again dragging yourself to a job that your scared to sneeze wrong at times for fear of getting yelled at or fired for but goddamn it pays the bills.
One day I would like nothing more than to be treated like something more than a pretty face.
Right now... I dont belong... I dont feel like I'm home. Hopefully I'll find it and hopefully it wont be too late.
BELOW IS THE RESPONCE TO THIS BLOG ENTRY BY MY FAVORITE LOVE KEISHA:
Hey chica... been there man... it seems that a lot of the people i went to school with are off doing extremely ambitious things... and i know that i definitely had and have the potential to be "one of those people" but as is, these are the lives that we chose for ourselves whether we were aware of what we were getting ourselves into or not :-)
You're right when you say things will get better... well... i mean, i'm assuming so anyway :-) i BELIEVE that things get better... but to be honest, i'm pretty skeptical about those who "find the happiness early"... only because when i look at my life in retrospect, i see how i've steadily grown as a person in quantum leaps through periods of my life. For example, between 15 and 17... i was not the same person... 17-20... COMPLETELY different... pushing 23... not the same person i was at 20. What i'm getting at is i feel by NOT settling down as early as other it's to our benefit... because i feel that as several of those relationships trudge on, a lot of the people will realize that they've grown APART from each other as they're going through these metamorphosis'... not to mention, if i had settled down with the person i was CONVINCED was gonna be my forever in highschool i'd be one miserable bitch right now... and you already know a little of the story of that douche bag :-) Now... some of the people you're referencing will probably be happy forever and kudos to them... but i think a lot of people settle for what they HAVE instead of having what they WANT... but kudos to the people who find the balance and have what they want AND what they need. Am i rambling here? it's been a long day :-) Anyway... you ARE just as smart, and pretty and determined as the next and after this "waiting period" is over, you'll have someone who VALUES and LOVES you for everything you are and everything you're not... and when that happens you'll VALUE and LOVE that person because you'll know what it's like for them to NOT be around. And maybe you feel like you're broken and in pieces, but you're more resilient than you're aware of. You prove everyday that you can always do more than you think you CAN'T and your sense of responsibilty to your girls to beautiful! I feel that your mom's attitude is to your benefit... although it's really shitty to not feel supported and it's a stressful living environment to feel like someone's leeching off of you or that you're always in debt to them... but just look at the parenting choices that you're making for YOUR girls because of it. For SO long i was SO bitter towards my parents because when i was younger they never made me feel like i was loved and supported or like they had time for me or any interest in me... i was effin miserable... but now i'm grateful because those are all points that i'm REALLY going to focus on for Passion and i would rather have gone through it a million bajillion times worse and LEARN from it, before i'd ever subject passion to those same emotions through my actions.
Somebody said something at the bar... which was one of those simple truths that i hadn't considered... and maybe it's not applicable to you now, and hopefully it won't have to be because your current... ummm... "romantic prospect" will pan out in your favor, but they were talking about this chic who could never seem to find a good guy and what not... and the guy pointed out that the only place that she was looking was in the bars... and of course, not everyone who comes into the bar has the same intentions... but just as a generalization if you look at the big picture a lot of the guys that come into the bars aren't really long term relationship material.
And as for finding what you're looking for, i hope that you don't succumb to lonliness and settle for anyone that's less than what you are... which is Beautiful, strong, intelligent, loving, assertive, kind, responsible. I hope you don't settle for someone who can't grow to love your girls as his own. i mean, i know they have a dad... but ultimately i think that for any single mother, the MOST ideal guy would love their kids like his kids. you deserve SO much in my eyes... And one last thing before i shut up and go away... EVERY relationship is suppose to not work out... except for one.
the very last line of this changed my whole train of thought and spurred me off into the thoughts of love that i have posted on my profile
COMMENTS
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xeSevirD
05:08 Feb 29 2008
My opinion is this. Since you said that the shirt she had worn the previous day was for the most part the same shirt with probably the exception of color or perhaps a slight different style, then I think she was merely prying for a compliment from you. Lots of people say negative things about themselves just so that someone else will argue with them and boost their ego. Especially insecure people. And when you said what you said, you weren't debating with her about her looks and she allowed herself to get hurt even though basically you were telling her what she wanted to hear, you just didn't say it in her simplified language. So just like you said, she was probably rather stupid. LOL