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That is what it seems. My heart playing cruel tricks on me. I have absolutely no understanding of it really. How is it that you think that you have moved on put those painful feelings aside when in reality they have only been sleeping.... laying dormant in your heart.

I had KNOWN just KNOWN that my feelings for this person had withered and gone away... and all that had remained was care for a dear friend. I had convinced myself that this person might not be what I had thought him to be. A soul mate. The other half of my very soul. Pipe dreams and rose colored glasses is what I had told myself over and over until the dying feelings faded. Boy I fooled myself. I hadnt brought thought to him in a while. He was no longer my waking thought and my sleeping thought. I had a dream recently that He was in town and decided against seeing me... which shattered my heart in my dream... but I read it as a sign that it was time to put him aside. But funny thing happened. How is it that one can mourn the loss of something they never had? It was strange recently how I "felt" that there was something wrong with him. After all of this time of not speaking to him very much at all and having those "glad your doing well hows the weather in Liverpool" convorsations when we did speak... realizing that I no longer cried after every conversation had no matter how lovely they might have been... I get this "feeling" something that shook my very being and shocked him back into my brains front. My phone showing the only text that I have from him that I saved first when it is really last.... hearing the songs that made me dream of him. The knowing deep inside that there was something tragically wrong with him. We spoke the otherday... a very real convorsation... nothing of like it use to be... but a conversation none the less... He is ill. His heart is getting angry because he refuses to do what it is telling him. The woman that has him... the one who I've always known about and he had cared for so much whilst in my arms... He can no longer lie to her about his feelings for her. They are no longer there. The stress of not wanting to break her heart is breaking his. I feel it. Over mass continents and powerful bodies of water.... only real connection that is tangible is through a computer screen... I can feel his pain, his sickness, his trouble. All of this conversation.... a new reality has been brought of it. I still havent got my heart back from him. He still holds it in the palm of his hand... much like the jade cross I gave him as a symbol of my heart. I fear he has no clue as to what it is that he has. As hard as I have worked to put him out of my mind... all of that work becoming mute with-in a few typed words. I feel again as I did the days after he left to go to his home. The pain has returned.... I want nothing but to weep and cuddle and bury myself in him. To breathe his sent... to feel the tingle of supernatural warmth of his touch. Never have I been near a person that makes my whole world cease to move. Any moment with him here at my side the world stops spinning just for that moment. All of the troubles of the mundane and normal cease to be important.... when he is near... nothing matters anylonger. Only once has he verbally told me his feelings. Never again have those words been whispered into my ear. I suppose it was due to guilt. Guilt of being claimed by one but giving himself to another. I'm so unsure of how to move forward in these coming days. I suppose I will have to start over.... put aside my heart... place it into a safe box until it can behave again. I feel sick.... my body is in pain... my heart is in mourning... all over something that I feel I never had and just due to fates teasing ways wont have for a very long time. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!?!?!?!?!? Why is it that I can feel what he feels when he feels it and him have no idea how truely deep my love for him is? How is it that I feel that I'm being overbearing and obsessive? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe I'm just considered one of the "Unloveables"? SInce he came and went no other has remotely caught my attention. Sure there have been some.... but boredom quickly set in and they were blown off. I feel that he is my other peice.. why else would I feel such a strong connection to him and as a logical well minded person be so overcome with this this undescribable feeling? The depths of what is going on lose effect with words. THere are no words in any language that could adiquitly describe what is going on inside of me. I have been through many loves, many deaths, many betrayels, and given birth to children.... and never in any of those experiances have I felt as shattered as I do when he says nothing to me.... when i cannot lay eyes on him... or touch his face... or kiss the tip of his nose. I suppose only the fates know how and why and what is going to happen. Until then I guess I must work again to tuck the feelings of my heart into a tiny box and demand that it behave else be ripped out and thrown away.











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