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I am bent backwards

to that fatal moment

where I break.

There is no one to blame

but you for pushing

and me for allowing you

to control every part of me.

I can not yet see

the layout of this

momentous learning experience

yet I know I will

be shown the meaning

of it all.

I guess it will make me

stronger,

wiser,

and all more knowing.

But I would have preferred

to stay in the dark.

I want to dance

within someone's arms

among the oncoming waves

that crash against the sand.



I desire the feel of the ocean

lapping at my legs

as I am twirled around

by love's strong hands.



I dream of being held close,

swaying to an unheard melody,

bathe in the moonlight

that kisses the spray of

each and every endless break.



I fantasize of a love

which will be described

by many educated mouthes

as real and ultimately true.



I will wait in patience

for this dream to manifest

right before my eyes.

There are moments

in this life

that should be acted out

in front of a televised audience.

It's all too good to be true.

It's all too unreal to be

conceived as actual reality.

What am I to do when

late night moments are

expected of me to become

one who solves it all?

I can only do so much

before I decide to

throw my hands up in

utter fustration and contempt.

All I wholeheartedly wish

is for the wordl to finally see

me as a single person

and not as the "one" who

solves all that goes wrong.

My need for a break from

this perceived reality

is strongly knocking at my door.

I need to answer it soon

in order to keep insanity

from creeping into my brain

and taking permanent residence

in my bodily soul.

I prematurely thank

all who will step forward

to offer all of your help

in allowing me this

temporary, yet momentous break

I so desperately need.

I'll be in touch

when I get back from

this much needed holiday

from myself.

The submissively controlled voice

which has blossomed into our

sole speaker of what is the truth

is bombarded with a Hollywood-style of

spinning tall tales of the world.



Even the ordinary girl next door

craves those 15 minutes of fame,


egardless of the price they must pay.



A momentary instance of center stage

appeals to the greedy dark side

of each and every ego.



No matter if the utterances spoken

hold any valid proof of the

cluster of chaotic moments that

viciously became an unscripted

de Sade inspired theater show.



As long as the coiffed hair and

expensively applied make-up

look particularly fierce,

who cares what really happened?

As I hide in the shadows,

I wait for the calling of the night,

I take a protective position

against all who veture near.



I begin to hear the soft spoken words

of my true love begging of me

to follow my heart towards him

and leave all of this behind.



His voice seduces all of me,

that falsetto of a sound

carried on the westward winds,

ringing in my eyes and

haunting my night time dreams.



I will give in to him,

as I always seem to do.

Nothing can stop me now.

I will live forever in him.

Once a good girl goes bad,

she's gone forever.

There's just no turning back

once she dances across

that point of no return.

Who's to say what was

the deciding moment of

that eye-opening realization.

She might have heeded the

words of her inner Wonder Woman.

She might finally have understood

the words that were being spoken.

All anyone can see is

she's finally glowing.

The voice inside her head

didn't sound like an old friend.

More like an unwelcomed stranger,

someone she "almost" didn't know.

Something vaguely like a

blurred, self-induced memory.

That infinately persistant voice

echoing so deep inside her....

What was she to do but lean over

and change thr station,

only to settle into her new theme music.

Night shadows each foot step

as I walk along these darkened streets

in a frantic search of....

of what, I'm still unsure.

Guided by this subconcious voice,

wildly and passionately screaming

nonsense directions at me,

I begin to quicken my pace

in hopes of reaching you

because I undoubtedly know

it is with you this steet ends.

I feel as if I'm going insane

with every racing thought

through my hollowed out brain.

Do you know Frank Sinatra?

Like the rest of the Rat Pack,

he's dead.

All except Jerry and his kids

but it's all a matter of time...

We all meet an end.

How will you arrive at

that finish line of life?

All torn up screaming

"Holy fucking shit of Christ!"

or

sedately put together by others,

wondering where your driver is at?

That preacher's voice echoes around

this enclosed space of my mind,

shouting out hundred year old proverbs

that just don't mean as much

in this present moment of time.

So, where does that leave me?

I guess lost among repenting souls

searching for a final resting place.

Can you give it to me

as my elected savior?

Should I continue to search the world

for all those divine answers?

Or am I doomed to wander

never knowing anything at all?

I squeeze my eyes shut tight

with the hopes of seeing you

again for one last time

on the back of my eyelids.



It's been too long

since I last had you

standing right before me

and my imagination has

begun making slight changes

to the smile on your face.



It getting hard for me

not to rely on my memories

to get thru the day

but what else am I to do

at this point of my life?



The love's not gone.



Only you are,

and doubts whisper at me

that you're not coming back.

I have ultimately provided

the worded force and persuasion

of colossal movements

known to shake up the masses.

How could one even doubt

my supremely perfected seduction

of the mind, body and soul?

Neither forbid nor prevent me

from verbally ranting of this immortalized ideal,

for with the sanction of this action

you will at long last locate bliss

The light has left your eyes

as you speak unfeeling words

in my direction.

And so,

I'm left here waiting.

Waiting to see if love comes back.

Waiting for any kind of emotion.

Waiting for the music to start.

Waiting for you.

All that I hold dear is gone.

But none means as much to me

as you do

and I am forced to watch you

walk away.