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Dear Diary,



I feel that I must end this entry abruptly.



Sincerely,

Adam

So I decided that I would visit my Grandmother in the nursing home my parents threw her in (Dementia) and spend my day with her. Why not? She is way to far gone to remember Im a piece of shit and I think she is the coolest chick on the planet, so it sounded fabulous.



I get there and stroll into her room and she looks at me and says, "Willard! You are smoking again!" I blink. Willard was my grandpas name. So I say, "Oh...you caught me, Opal."

She glared at me for a minute then she said, "Well you better get yourself ready for the Christmas show." She wheels herself to the bed and fluffs a pillow. Painfully slow. "Your spot is ready."



So we watched 'Its a wonderful life' and every time I moved she shot a look of annoyance at me. It was hilarious! Then they were serving lunch and I wheeled her to the dinning room and nurses were all nice to me and talked to us while we waited to be served. Grandma ordered me to her some hot coffee with one sugar packet NOT TWO or THREE just ONE! By the time I came back, she switched to current Grandma and was happy to see me. We talked about mom and dad in Hawaii and how happy she was that at least I was able to visit. (I swear to God, Im the only one who does. I hate my family)



Then by the time she ate and I was wheeling her back to her room, she pointed at a nurse and said very loudly "Willard! Thats the maid that is stealing my nice brazerres! (I actually have no idea how to spell brazerre and thats as close as I can get. ) And the nurse stops and looks at me then at my grandma and says, "Opal, we dont steal them, we wash them for you. Remember? You get them back every morning." My grandma sits back and ignores the nurse and I take her to her room and then she takes my hand and says, "She is a lying nigger. You get them back for me, Ok?" I just about bust up laughing and I said, 'Ok, Ill take care of it, just sit here.'



So I go to the nurse (Who clearly heard my grandma call her a nigger) and apologize. The nurse was really cool about it and laughed with me. She did say that they wash all her laundry and the only things she has a problem with are her bras. Go figure.



When I get back, I tell her, "Alright, they wont steal them anymore, and as punishment, they will wash them all for you everyday and bring them to you every morning.'



She seemed satisfied. Then she told me to get her cards out of her drawer, she wanted to play a game. So she taught me to play this game called '42' Which, Im not sure if we were playing right or not, but it was fun.



Then the nurses came to assist her with a shower, I went out side to smoke. Some nurses were outside smoking too, so I chat with them. They wanted to know who I visiting, I tell them. They said they love my grandma because she is such a firecracker (hells yeah!) and I go back in. The nurses are helping her get a sweater on and she is just talking about farms and horses and how no one considers the land. (?) Then they were done and we were alone again.



She complained about me smoking. She said I needed to work harder at finding a job. And she said she needed to get the house ready for Jolleen to visit. For the record, I have no idea who Jolleen is. But I reassured her everything will be fine and ready.



Then she said she wanted to take a nap before dinner and I helped her to bed and said goodbye, I had to go looking for work. ;-)



And then I came home to an empty house. Its not so bad really, I would rather it be empty than have my parents here. But it still leaves something hollow in your chest when you come home to an empty house on christmas. As much as I loath to admit anything as sentimental as that.....



So I get online and this little fucker from my ex's school sends me these messages calling me a fag and how he has money and how he dont care that I'm a model, he still has more money than me. (Yet they cant send him to fat camp? Cause seriously, this dude was blubbery...Just sayin) Of course I didnt lower myself to insult his looks. I insulted his grammer instead, in which he replied that he is going to kick my ass. It all boiled down to me saying "If our paths ever cross, I'll LET you kick my ass. I wont even fight back, you can just curb stomp this shit, Ok?

You can be like, "Yo, Im that Jonathan kid who cant spell" And Ill be like, "Oh! Hello, I believe I owe you an ass to kick!"



He didnt respond to that, he logged out. So I ASSUME naturally, that its an agreement. (He was just mad that I made his masturbatory affection cry, so I cant be too mad at him.



And now I am here talking about all these events.



Beep beep boop. Im a robot.

COMMENTS

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VampireLily
05:42 Dec 26 2011

You're the only one who visits your grandmother, let alone on Christmas, and.....you're a piece of shit?



I wish i could psychically slap the shit out of your parents right now....like, they're in Hawaii and suddenly there's witnesses to the invisible ass-kicking they're getting.



I will tell you on Opal's behalf, because maybe she can't, that she loves you and is grateful that you don't want her to be alone. And she's right about something, you should stop smoking for fucks sake!

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EasternStar
00:20 Dec 29 2011

indeed it is a very merry fucking christmas. Dude if i was near you we could had hang out for a road trip to new york city and make a REAL FUCKING BLAST AND OF COURSE WITH YOUR GRANDMA ;)

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VampireLily
17:31 Feb 23 2012

...you'll be missed, Opal~



X

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POST COMMENT

Bob: Lowe's pulled their ads from that one Muslim show on TLC.



Me: Why??



Bob: Because its a show about Muslims in America.



Me: .......



Bob: Now there is this petition because the producers want their sponsor back and think it's not fair.



Me: Isn't kind of not fair?



Bob: Hell yes it's fair! These Muslims are taking over everything.



Me: Didn't Germany say that about the Jews?



Bob: Yes, but the Muslims are REALLY taking over.



Me: ......Didn't Germany say that about the Jews?



Bob: Think about it, The Muslims are taking our businesses, changing our Laws, Ruining our economy, and they are moving into our country like it's a free for all!



Me: Didn't Germany say that about the Jews....



Bob: .......I am beginning to think you are a Muslim lover.



Me: ......................Jews.



Bob: You're retarded, dude. Fuck off.



(Bob then gets up and walks off.)



(I remain and drink my beer.)

COMMENTS

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BLOODLIFE
08:30 Dec 23 2011

You are to be applauded

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POST COMMENT

They block Myspace (Nobody really cares)

They block Facebook (Everybody really cares)



But they dont block AOL or VR? Well hell. Now I can do something other than work at work. =) And isnt that the entire goal of work anyway?

So I had an online confrontation with an ex of a friend of mine. She posted a picture and I said I liked it and then he decided to call her ugly.



I admit, I used some big words in my retort. So he may have gotten severely confused and then of course his brain may have over loaded with the amount of syllables used. In any case, it turned into this huge insult fest on her page. Needless to say I won, although he doesn't know it. He seems to believe that 'dumb ass mother fucker' is the best insult ever. He used it enough.



All I can say about it is this: If you want to get into it with me, you must know that if you use words with only 1 or 2 syllables, repeat insults numerous times, and use words like 'dat' or 'whatevz' rules of debate automatically debunk everything you are trying to say so you might as well stop while you are ahead. Because it makes you look like a 'dumb ass mother fucker'.

COMMENTS

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Bellanova333
19:12 Dec 17 2011

haha indeed...

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VampireLily
23:51 Dec 24 2011

boy, i bet you kick some serious ass at Insult Scrabble.



Triple Word Score.... take that, dumb ass muther fucker!



LOL

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POST COMMENT

There's a woman in Peru, who can levitate a foot above the ground. There's a house in Poland built upside down. There's a girl in Lebanon crying out solid clear crystals, (what's wrong with her glands?!!)

There's a capuchin monk in Italy fronting a crappy heavy metal band. There's the fattest man alive, in Mexico, getting a date......and I still can't believe you found interest in ME. The worlds biggest ingrate.



I didnt lie when I said I dream of you. I have been asleep 3 times since our fated meeting and each time you have been there. Tempting me. Weakening me.



And the jealousy! I have never had reason to be jealous of anyone or anything. I have all I want or need. Almost. While he can feel you and smell you and drown in your eyes whenever he wishes. Does he know a 20 year old boy in St. Paul sits in his room with the moan of the computer and iPod on shuffle, and this boy fights inside himself. His brooding leaves only unfinished paintings and half eaten donuts.



In the end of it. When these thoughts circle back to the beginning. There is never ill will toward this husband of yours. Its not his fault he got the girl. I guess that means Im not the hero of this story. I wont even pretend that I have the capability to be.





"Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them — if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry."



Im making poetic history. Learn from me.

I have been home for a couple hours now and I still cant give it up and try to sleep. To much shit going on in my head.



Im so deep. Im so complex. Whoopty fucking do. Im malfunctioning, thats the problem. Its not cool or trendy to be tortured, if you had any idea....



Anyway. Im a little intoxicated, so forgive me if this jumps around and doesnt make sense. Is it supposed to? Fuck you! And your honda you came in with. Fucking Hondas anyway. Since when did they become the cool car anyway??



=/ I need to get laid.

Notice of Intent to Stalk



Date: ___________



Print or type name of Stalker: _____________________________

(known henceforth as STALKER)



Print or type name of person to be Stalked: __________________________

(known henceforth as STALKEE)



Please be notified that effective this date the above named STALKER has filed an official Intent To Stalk Declaration targeting the above named STALKEE in accordance with Obsessive/Compulsive Personal Pursuit Code of Conduct Act of 1993 (OCPPCCA93).



I, STALKER, hereby declare Open Season upon you, STALKEE, and pursuant to OCPPCCA93 section 1, paragraph 5 intend to engage in the following activities (check all that apply):



[ ] Watch from afar

[ ] Watch from the bushes

[ ] Watch from the window/skylight

[ ] Hide in your closet

[ ] Fold myself under your computer desk

[ ] Gaze devotedly at your sleeping form

[ ] Collect hair samples while you sleep

[ ] Bake cookies in your kitchen while you're away

[ ] Chocolate-Chip [ ] Peanut Butter [ ] Sugar

[ ] Rummage through your underwear drawer

[ ] Fondling [ ] Sniffing [ ] Collecting

[ ] Call and hang up repeatedly

[ ] With [ ] Without breathing

[ ] Send badly formatted text messages

[ ] With [ ] Without sexual content

[ ] Ask to view your webcam from multiple random IM accounts

[ ] Annoying [ ] Wheedling [ ] Creepy

[ ] Leave long rambling unsigned emails from anonymous addresses

[ ] Collect photos of you and your significant other whatstheirname, who is certainly not good enough for you and plainly you'd understand if only I could just talk with you about it for a minute c'mon it's only a minute what do you have to lose it's for the best really don't make me do something we'll both regret



I, STALKER, further agree to the following (check and initial ALL ITEMS, no exceptions):



[ ] No physical contact unless, you know, it's an accident

[ ] No bodily fluids will be deposited in/near your domicile

[ ] Whatstheirname will not be harmed unless, you know, by accident

[ ] Interaction with pets will not be tolerated

[ ] Anonymous gifts containing dangerous substances (e.g. explosives) will be clearly marked

[ ] No photos will be published to social networking sites (e.g. Flickr, DeviantArt)

[ ] Stalking activity will not interfere with another Stalker's Intent To Stalk

[ ] Stalking activity will be suspended for holidays and medical emergencies



The duration of this Intent To Stalk shall be (check only one):



[ ] One week

[ ] Two weeks

[ ] Until one of us is in jail or dead

[ ] Until the end of time because baby, I plan to keep this up after I'm dead



Disputes regarding this Intent To Stalk shall be arbitrated by (check only one):



[ ] The OCPPCCA93 Regulation Committee

[ ] A group of peers selected by STALKER and STALKEE

[ ] Let God sort it out

[ ] Ralf M. Maximus

[ ] Me, me, me



I, STALKER, hereby certify (check and initial ALL ITEMS, no exceptions):



[ ] All required permits and licenses are current and valid

[ ] Applicable equipment is well maintained and meets OCPPCCA93 requirements

[ ] State and Federal Insurance requirements have been met





Let the games begin! Please address all questions/grievances to the OCPPCCA93 Regulation Committee (ocppcca93@tectech.net) and good luck with your stalk.



STALKER (signed): ______________________________ Date: _____________



STALKEE (signed): ______________________________ Date: _____________





cc: STALKER, STALKEE, OCPPCCA93



--

Form ITS1993(d)

COMMENTS

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VenusFire
17:35 Dec 08 2011

LOL! I love it!

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captainglobehead
17:35 Dec 08 2011

I REALLY could have used this a couple of times.

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Bellanova333
18:35 Dec 08 2011

LOL!

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VampireLily
23:58 Dec 24 2011

now if they all just filled out the fucking form.... it would be so much less uncomfortable!

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POST COMMENT

I ate a sandwich today. I realized for the first time that one does not use a spoon to eat them. I was at the deli and I ordered my usual, a turkey breast with salmon, bacon, and teriyaki sauce, sat down and began to eat, spoon in hand. The man next to me turned and said, “You know… You don’t use a spoon to eat sandwichs…”



This blew me away. All that I had known: destroyed. My world became swirling mist of the unknown. Every fact I thought I knew suddenly came into question. The way of the universe died that day.



The man grew concerned about the glazed look I had while I was shaking uncontrollably in my chair. I snapped to, spoon still in my grasp. Then I stabbed him with it. A lot.



Thanks for ruining my day, asshole.

COMMENTS

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Bellanova333
18:37 Dec 08 2011

I like stories with happy endings (especially when it involves stabbings with blunt objects) =D

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POST COMMENT

UGH! Why does she torture me all the time? Just when I get my head around not caring, she always ends up messaging me and telling me something that just makes me feel weird and shit. So then I think about her and BAM back to square one.



And WHY do I even have feelings for her?? Seriously, why? She is too young, annoying and she says shit just to hurt me.



"i really dont care this is why i wish i never met u cause u break hearts and u dont give a fuck"



I cant explain how I am feeling and this translates to 'u dont give a fuck'. Instead of demonizing me at every turn I wish she would fucking take a second to understand me and how my brain works.



WOMEN! Ugh!

COMMENTS

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EasternStar
15:18 Dec 08 2011

she needs to stop being egoistic.



do not worry just block her completley or she will never leave you alone

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POST COMMENT

.....Bazinga.

I am the sickest I have been in ages. I heard birds in the laundry room today. They sounded like they were fighting. I imagined, with a helpless smirk, that they were fighting over a pretzel. Why? I dont know, who cares? I was delirious with fever and having a very warm fuzzy imaginary visual of a non existent battle between two little sparrows going on in my laundry room.



After 5 minutes ...or 3 hours, I am still unsure, I decided to go downstairs to get some OJ.

A mistake. I was lured into helping decorate a christmas tree with the promise of sugar cookies and hot chocolate. I couldnt taste either, so it was a futile sacrifice. Crawling my way back up the stairs and into my room, I climb into bed and assume the fetal position until about an hour ago.



Thats when I read my email and my Ex sent me this: "I wish I never met you!"



These 6 words meant more to me than the 3 she was always tossing at me. (You know what 3, dont even ask) So already the night is taking a turn for the better. Now...If only I can eat this cookie and taste its buttery sugarness. That would maybe make up for the fact that I hung baby Jesus from an artificial tree limb in my living room...

Actually the only thing going bump in the night around here is me, so Im not too worried.



Its almost 4 am and Just got home. Gotta get to work by 6, its gonna be one of those days. You know the one. Where you go to work all wasted and have to sober up in the 8 hours that you are there and go home with a sober face. Yup. Its going to be fantastic. Im young. I can handle it.



You know what really grinds my gears? (heh) When you are at a party with a lot of people you know and some people you dont and youre cool with everyone and some of your friends act like assholes to the people you dont know, but you have no problem with anyone of them so you dont jump into every little fight that starts and then you get called a pussy for it.



Let me make one thing clear. Im not a pussy. Im apathetic to your idiotic drunkeness so in fact, I dont give a shit about your battles. Just let me self destruct in peace! Losers.

COMMENTS

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moonkissed
13:00 Dec 02 2011

I always ignored everyone at the parties unless they wanted me to hold a beer or something.

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EasternStar
14:09 Dec 02 2011

DID I JUST HEAR PARTIES? Next time i come and join you Bro

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PrinceVassago
23:31 Dec 04 2011

i hate when a fight breaks out at a party..it ruins everything! blah!

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POST COMMENT