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I spoke to Joshua his internet is shutdown so its going to be more time in between chatting with him. Nothing from Calvin made a mistake Joshua's birthday's the 12th of march not 3rd like Jennifers-still got to mail her birthday present-a white tshirt with newport ri on it and colored shells i know shell love it. So Janie threw a dinner at her house friday night and it was a ll drama, I didnt go went to the all vets with uncle tom had a drink then gingerale. I dont really like alcohol or getting drunk. Just give me some bud I will be fine. Havent smoked still got tiny nugget from a weeks ago and lonng while adn will go home clean then smoke it but I had to come here and look up apartments which I found a few just need section 8 approval. I believe one apartment is in my first apartment building but 2bed we had one bed rm ewhen charles and i lived there. I loved it. But dont know whats going to be approved or not. the ri ave apartment may not be but hoping a pretty one is thats close to the buses and town. Wew will see. So I talked to Matt today but im still unhappy, I feel so alone in this world even in my own family. I have one picture of myself on my wall with my gothic clicque from 2002 not even with any family. wow. got one of my nana and lil sister my face is beet red i look disgusting. and then one with my sisters not baby wasnt born yet with my grandma moms mom we were all pretty adn smiley then, i was beautiful with lil sparkly white teeth and sun blond hair. Now I tihnk I am hideous. My boobs are huge but I dont even likethem. I mean they are lovely but i liked themn smaller. weell working out shousl help my body and free facial with all names filled out on kform with 3 ppl names numbers adn addresses on them. I will do Janie Ann and thats all I can think of. No friends. I hate ppl. they disgust me. I want to be part of another world. where iom happy and feel i belong. my kids, they are my nieces and nephews not my real kids I owuld miss them. G2G



Carmella

So I am just sticking to mystikal magicakal book realms. Joshua hasnt been on in 3 nights now. Sunday night he was but not Saturday night. I went to my nuerologist today. He said Exercise it will help with the migraines and everything, dont take motrin or too much caffeine it makes it all worse. So right after my appointment with him I went and signed up at Sedona's health adn spa. $40 for 2year membership, its close to my job, adn 30min in sauna burns 600 calories. i did it today. they put me in the massage chair beecause i had to wait for them-busy with others. I made my mom sign up too so we can both be healthier and look good by summertime(and by joshua's return) I need to get my teeth stains removed too. On acne meds face wash, gel, cream but I tried plucking my eyebrows broke out on my right one. I am so happy bout signing up. I dont even feel bad for ditching getinshape4women who are so expensive. I also won catcountry snowball concert tickets for front row seats but we need a ride home from warwick we got to walk down greenwich too to get there after taking a bus from providence. I said I am going I will try sleeping in the lounge if I cant get a ride that night. I dont know many with vehicles who like country. I want to take my mom. I want $50 bonjovi tickets too for sandra and I n mass but thats not going to happen. I only had a portion of a 210 calorie iced tea too since the sauna. Tomo mom and I have exercise intro appointments an hour apart to learn how to use the workout equipment. I am going to take the $10 month extra for nutrition course. I am thrilled im starting my motivation again. I want to use the sauna tomo-its good for migraines and lots of muscle joint pain. I got to go get home to Reme my giant two yr old baby black lab-shes a giant baby. I worry bout Joshua and I wan him to come home. safe. I worry bout Calvins next move too. Im sure hell do something stupid before or on march 2nd. Joshua and Jennifers birthdays March 3 I got to mailout her newport tshirt i bought her. LATER



GOOD THINGS IM MAKING HAPPEN.

Birdpoop locked up a long whiel I didnt do, hes dumb but im happy about it. Talked to Stac today she said taryn is nuts and a liar i told her that but she lied bout being locked up and then her house was on fire and stac thinks she did it. If they catch her on arsen charges she going to jail adn loses her 3&4 yr old son and daughter., sad for them. g2g



CARMELLA

So I worked full 10hours 2weeks in a row. Awesome. Unfortunately Monday was Presidents Day, we were closed so that's short 4hours that's $44 paycheck next Friday but next Thurs. is the 3rd big check. So I got to set financial priorities straight & got to survive with necessities for the month. Calvin called last night. I knew it was him PRIVATE caller after 9pm(only other private caller is my uncle ray in daytime and when i dont answer he calls on his cell) Calvin calls private and doesnt say nothing overandover. I said "are you going to do this all night?" then he replied. We chatted awhile until we came to meeting today, I backed down. ITs not good for us to see eachother & hangout when we are going through a divorce. Sex laughing shopping sleeping anything together is not good for either of us. Well last thing he says"HAVE MY BABY" YUCK. that ended any doubt i had to meet with him and i said good nite and went to cell phone world monopoly. He texted me a few things like why you making it so hard for me to love you sam? I wanted to text him back i dont want you to love me i want you to move on adn be happy with someone else. But i know responding makes things worse. Stupid me. Got to change my # again. He is going to get worse with our anniversary only next wed. one week it will be a year ago we got married. Only two weeks after marriage did I leave him. and he hasnt moved on yet. He sees my face with every blond girl he sees. He cant stand soldiers now cant speak to him makes him want to be sick knowing i left him for a soldier. But he is matured as a 5yrold. I didnt leave him just for Joshua but for my future. I know I made a mistake marrying him even before i said ido. Met a man Rich on chatline. Hes on my nerves and usually he'll make me laugh or tingle but not today. Maybe reliving Calvins chat or joshuas tags around my neck again turns me off of them all. I dont think I wouldve have gone on the chat if i had my tags at janies, or anytime i chated with rich.

g2g doctors. :ATER



CARMELLA

I came to a course "how to write adn publish a book" I learned a lot from it but I am unsure what to put in as time between events in my nonfiction based on a true story novel. I would like to publish my poetry, have my poems read and maybe sang by a celebrity someday & make money off it. Guess I got work to do before that. And a novel, based on a true story, my prospective in my gothic family. I am lonely. I am exhausted. Back to work tomorrow. Problems. Rumors I am selling my drugs, my ativan, anxiety med, that doesnt work for me anyway. Well my disagreement at work with Jesse im sure it goes back too and a patient I talked too who just ended up on the 8th floor and then going to star who is a "junky" drug addict adn alcoholic. Its got to do with Jesse. Maybe Pam. I know he wants me out of there now becasue I went over his head to his boss when he dismissed me from my job because I skipped nutrition class. I am at Middletown library. I am deciding to go home instead of my uncle's sister's goodbye event. I need to save money to move with mom and buy new furniture (couch & loveseat out tomo trash trusk picking it up awesome) new beds #1 we just got a nice new couch sitting in a room we never use anyway. My love Joshua will be home sooner and sooner. March 3rd his birthday and my girl from Indiana Jennifer's birthday. I just finished the second book Torment in the Fallen series by Lauren Kate and I am excited about the 3rd Passion in summer time maybe July when my love returns overseas to fight this awful war. UH. My Joshua. A Soldier. and far away. I miss him so much it makes me cry thinking of how far away he is and when I will see him again. How he would react should I get pregnant with his child? What he would do? What about his family? Would he help financially with the child and myself? Would he believe me I was pregnant and it was his child? Would it make him hate me or screw up his future plans? Are his future plans with me? Does he speak the truth on our IM chat? Does he truly love me and want to be with me? Does he understand my love for him is true and it hurts its so strong? God, I dont know the answers to these questions. My husband does he wait for my soldier to die to mock me? Wait for me to suffer the pain he suffers becasue of me? I build his heart up again then ripped it back out. I have my divorce papers I will be dropping off tomorrow. Does he wait for the papers to be brought to him? Does he take his meds now and sleep through the night without dreams? Does he do his work in class at college? Will my family be a positive influence towards me with my love Joshua? What will they say to my face about getting pregnant with Joshua? Will he live to come home to me this summer? Will he live to see his child? Ever? Will we be together in the summer? Will we have a child? Will we be true love to eachother for as long as we live? I am so scared. I dont know. I know I must complete high school and start college courses through my high school "JMHS into Ashworth University" #1 High School. #2 Moving. #3 Furniture, dog case, dog gates, frontline, vet for all in case of sickness, vet past due bill, dog claws, etc. #4 Living life positively. Got to go.

Spanish.

Carmella

I got my divorce papers filled in, they will be dropped off Monday. Cassandra is not pregnant(or hiding it through living with her friends-but they would all now) I am depressed, empty. i got some bud but no lighter or matches to smoke it in my new bowl. no Ambrie since my seizure at her sister Jen's house. I spoke to her twice since. On the phone, she never called back. I miss my kids and I may be seeing them tonight at Janie's all except ladybug. I want Joshua. But more months to go. I am reading & completing Spanish 2 & play monopoly new world & tetris on my cell now. Had gone over my treatment plan with my case manager Kim today who told me "rumor you have been selling my medication and the doctor will just take you off it." UGH! Mom at Peter's. Got $40 today. $10 quarters laundry & spent 410 on magazine adn batteries. Got $9 extra from co-worker/acquaintence today. play $5 RI BLACK LOTTEry now no wins yet. So much has gone on. disagreement with a boss went to his boss now he dont speak to me and the three older women 4, 5 or more that rat, kiss boses butt, and gossips all make me want to quit. But stilcking round for money got pay back rent (landlord scum saying didnt receive $400 ($100 check from seamens church institute that gives assistance to those in need that have id and proof of bill, adn $300 money order mailed by mom with uncle tom there at post office) UGHHH! Long day? no but im always exhausted. Uncle Ray needs drops in his eye now everyday and this weekend it will be me putting them in since his house aid will do it today and not work over weekend. BOOKS help a lot. Going to do Spanish now. later



Carmella

So I was hospitalized Sunday-Wednesday upstairs. Depression breaking me down. Back to work Thurs. works a drag. 2hour instant messaging with my beloved made me better but im still down & always exhausted-to even pick up a book, do schoolwork, anxiety attacks of fear(nightmares every night) Feel alone in this world but my mother has been there for me. Uncle Ray has been listening to me but he is not all there. Cassandra might be pregnant. UGH-her boyfriend is 16 maybe 15. I was 16 when I first got pregnant. So things pretty down. Calvin broke into my hosue. Yeah he did. no proof, but he proved it showing up after someone broke in.

G2G libraary clsing

COMMENTS

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xRobin3x
22:14 Feb 06 2011

damnit.



idk whats with things these days, just drags out huh... sighs. feel the pain thou

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