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First Friday night, Bryan has this old woman he is living with tell me leave him alone, she cussed me out in hallway of fest in front of all these drama loving young adults hiding on the side of the stairwell. I was heartbroken he had her do it. He said he loves me and wants to be with me. He lied. About everything. My beauty&brilliance, his love for me and a future. STUPID GIRL! FOOLISH GIRL! I didn't love like I loved him since my first love. And that was young, dumb, foolish, love at first sight with a nightmare ending. So rumors flying about him & this old woman. Step the f*** off. Go home to your man, he is a married man. Thing is she was calling herself his wife. HAHA VOMIT! Wow. How he can ruin lives & break hearts. But because I chose to be with nathan, he can throw any female in my face. Not jealousy, shock. So the pineapple night was good, then the weekend was a nightmare. I saw Matt Tripp that night and hung with him a lil bit, after crying on Nathan's porch. Nathan has been throwing me out every other day now, but its his schitzophrenic routine. I gave him a black eye. A purple line under his eye with a scratch. HE gave me a purple eyelid before. KARMA! But work is going to be rough. I told him say he got drunk & don't know where it came from. Because once nccmhc staff knows he will have a restraining order in the blink of an eye, and arrest for domestic. So Saturday night I was going to hang out at Timmy's when I got there & ate and was brushing his daughter Asia's hair he called me to throw me out so I went right back there, sat outside in the cold rain, until his neighbor went to liquor store and I got in to building. That's when I slapped him up and gave him the line. Timmy went to liquor store so I got a ride home. I was sad because I told Asia I was coming back too and didn't. Cant get into EP right now with no password and my yahoo been acting slow, or funny, or missing mail coming in. At MPLibrary. No internet or phone until thursday with new telephone #. Nathan's brother trevor talking to me again. So I don't want him to know I gave his brother a black eye or don't love his brother etc. I got a bunch of free books, im excited to read again. Need to do school work. Need to study sheets & take exams. 2 exams left on 2nd course and over half first college year paid off. Got to pay court too, judge mad I cant pull $5Gs out my pocket. Mass court. Mass PO dick, will not even call me back ever. But my RI PO is awesome, stay out of trouble, no violations, no violence, meet with her, got permission to go out of state too vacation. Unfortunately Jim is not reliable vacation. Indianapolis is. Dutch&I been in touch and im always excited to get away. Its not always long, right after RI PO visit, and dont miss any court dates. And dont get caught, IDed, in trouble legally by police out of state. Bryan, Bryan, Bryan how I want your arms around me, I want to believe I am beautiful, and without you I don't believe in anything positive about myself or in myself at all with out you. Old hag can say step off, talk trash, and he can only hide behind her for so long. He is still with Christina whose not in rehab, and still smoking the fake weed like nonstop. He bought her a bag the day at the pineapple. I flipped. Got him in the face with my cell. Smashed it 3x I did. I dont want to go home but I AM to keep him happy, satisfied, and no false accusations. I didnt sleep well last night and I am sick, or getting sick. Swollen tonsils, head&body aches, sore throat. I will gargle again when I get home. Big tail our new catfish died last night. BLUE! 2weeks&few days, he lived. SUCKS! But we going out of town to get baby catfish & something else George our spotted gar can not eat. I want to buy George live krill/shrimp. He will love those. Week with nothing to eat, he ate all his goldfish in a week and we didnt buy more this friday. Patience & timing is major keys in life. I will have my own place soon enough & let's see who kisses my booty then. Bryan will. Yes he will. How do I know he truly loves me after what he did, had old mary tell me back off, step the f***off, like she was someone too tell me too. it was her home he was at & he will stay inside too. I got stupid stuff on him but have no proof and didnt even care of the rumors&truth I heard&know. Mary probably smokes it too but no proof. It dont matter I love him. or did. Love dont die in a second though. He never loved me. I was a pawn in his game with Christina. Sad. But STRONG! I am a survivor through all this stupid minor BS. That's all it is MINOR BS. Still pain involved, emotional and could get physical with some stupid females. Knocking old Mary's rotten teeth out is an issue because I like her "daughter" and her daughters will all have a problem with me beating up their mother. Even if she hit me first or had kids jump me. I got to move on and let go, it still takes time, but can not let it waste my time on my goals. That is what its doing, wasting time on my future goals. School. School first. Screw everyone, & all else. Baby Lena 2 weeks old tomorrow. WOW! 2 weeks already. Beautiful baby girl. Cant go there now with these swollen tonsils& sore throat no. g2g check yahoo for library intel.

Later VR

SURPRISING DAY YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN! I went to Pineapple Inn where Christina & Bryan are staying. To see him. Well their new neighbor/aquantence Matt "tripp(s) was there." So was Christina's mother. She screaming at "Chrissy blahblah blah loud cursing blah, you need help, think of little Zen, Akasha, I talk to Bryan's parents (names Bob and Colleen I believe.)BLAH, Bryan holds the cigarettes stop smoking I am not paying for them no more. I am going in the hospital for kidney stones blasted out surgery Friday, I can not drive to you then. You going to come see me before I go under. (She talking about Christina to Christina in third person.) " She takes awhile to leave. Bryan talking bout shower, she said "I can't trust you with Samantha (asked him before stating it). He has 3/4 get out of jail free cards (free to have sex with another without her 4x because she cheated like 7/8 times.) And she tried putting stuff on him and he flipped it quick on her with her prostitution for crack. Now its just spice as far as I know, found out they had sex 3 nights ago, and he smokes spice with her. -now them smoking crack together and hearing it from someone who had no reason to tell me except we were cool and I didnt have a clue and he knew and stated "Gordo that crackhead") Nathan admitted to anal raping me adn raping me. But when I call him on it he blows it over. I lost his MP3 thought he was going to throw me out, he didnt, told me to leave the next day, and cuzzed at me all night. In the morning he said sorry but I said I am sorry cuz it helped us with our minds calming cool music wakes you up and sometimes angry, happy, sad etc. I lost it and hats and gloves and cup. I am so sad about it. Now thesse clumsy actions allows him to believe I stole his food, axe, son's game (blew up on that accusation), his MP3 stole it and gave it away. But I am buying him a new one. So after Christina's mom left, he said he was going to take a shower before her mom left her mom was laughing about it too like she believed it didnt happen. Or his mouth helped charm them different from the truth. I see him catching him in lies. I threw my cell at him twice, first time hit the wall(buying her spice and lying when I asked him before she got back) above his head and he was standing then second time I threw it(buying her spice & found out he wmokes it too) across from my bed to his (2 beds in hotel) and it bouced off his face. LIED. CAUGHT. Now how can I believe anything else he says. Because she is a spiced out heavily doctor medicated crazy chick. He says that is why I should not doubt him. He called me at 2am closer to 3am. Nathan wouldve flipped. He was cussing her out and talking to me like I was his equal and she is a noise from an annoying creature(maybe neighbor), he nicer to animals than her. But I didn't understand why he called. I went to timmy's again last night and got home by 10. I was so bombed Nathan thought I was drunk, bong keeps going back and forth, some mike's and smirnoff wine coolers (I call it bitch beer) I have one and bomb no boges either. Joey came by and gave me a ride hoem and asked me if I meant when I said "he was fat and ugly and how did he feel knowing he would die alone, be alone forever" (something nasty similiar) becasue I am having some bad luck right now. I said I said that to you, I am so sorry, we were young and dumb and mean and I am so sorry. Then I came upstairs being bombed had sex showered and went to sleep. Up at almost 3 am with Bryan's call. Talking shit about Nathan being a rapist queer or whatever and telling Christina shut your mouth bitch nobody's talking to you. WOW! I want him so bad by my side but she is not gettiung into rehab yet and without this I have nothing. I am a bug hopping around, a nucense (annoying thing) interrupting others lives. Nathan made me believe more I have nothing without him, no home, bed, bath, my kids nothing without being with him. Home is where the Heart it. My heart is not here in this home but in my children's lives (because I take care of them and their mothers dropped them off they are mine)

ANYWAY TODAY&TONIGHT I just layed with their friend Matt, cuddled and layed there watching Crank and Transporter 2. I rubbed his back and chest. I wouldnt let him kiss me though. Good Girl. No because Bryan was right there, Christina and Bryan were there, awake or not I wasnt doing that. Matt says he's engaged (him&her 20years old) but she dont want to be with him when he works lobster boats and makes 5Gs a week. Her folks got dough I guess. He a country boy he says he loves country but he was wearing shorts and flip flops when its below 30 degrees outside. He got a mohawk type thing and that long goatee yuck he going to trim it up I dont like it. But like Bryan he said I was the only girl that never pushed him away when cuddling and did not dislike his chest&back hairs. I didnt complain of his heavy breathing, he has a twisted spinal cord too so I was medically attending to him. Nathan would not listen to that one anyway. FUN. I gave Bryan our Spanish letters (I write him in Spanish so our others can not read it) I kissed him on the cheek buenos noches mi oso mi amor. He hasnt texted me or called me ok. But he was texting me in the room when Christina went to the store to say your ride is coming and he can go becasue im going to nap. I was so confused if it was Christina I didnt understand her but I realized it was Bryan and didnt get the chance to say NO when his friend ran out for sodas, Christina was back. He told her I will make you eat my poop if you screw this up. She said she didnt want to eat poop when she got back with the correct stuff, change, and fast. We got to kiss but that was it. He showed off his peepee too but I acted like oh but denying you. Which I did deny him. Then at like 5of6 I went to get bus home. They were asleep Bryan & Christina, Matt walked me to the bus an waited with me, 30 min before bus got there. Thats when I woke Bryan up and whispered buenos noches mi oso mi amor and kissed hi scheek. Came hom ehad a great chicken backed thigh with veggie noodle stir fry adn a blunt now bed work 9-1 tomorrow.

SURPRISING DAY POSITIVELY

Work and play and breathe. We fight. But we are still together. happiness is babysitting his wife and I am breathing with my man now. I go out he ggets mad or dont like it but we get through it. Crazy Cat pregnant drags me to walmart drives me nuts but I run into old friends, Timmy&Joe Dutra(had a dream about Joey twice so called him and he like blew me off found out he was evicted from rolling green property for threatening head maintenance. Joe still shy, pat hugs. Timmy was all hug. I met his 3 beautiful blond kids, Lil Timmy 7, Asia, 8, and Freddy baby 4. Their mother abandoned them too. I am so proud of Timmy. His kids live with him full time, he works and makes money got a place and his mom helps with them, like its school vacation so Mrs.Rahn his mom will have them. But I told Nathan Timmy my cousin on my dad's side so he dont freak out about him. It worked. Hung out there all yesturday going up now too. I love Tim like fam. Puddy asked Happiness how he knew his cousin, Puddy called me his cousin. They are my family even though not by blood by love loyalty and time.

I went to court and my assault w/deadly weapon (bashed this nutcase with 2 beer bottles& he kept attacking me) anyway it was last JUly adn the courts have not pressed charges DISMISSED TODAY! Then I went to see my happiness, his wife UGH, and some friends in Fest. Smoked adn hung out. I gave him $ for liquer, tomorrow is his deceased son birthday, wouldve been 12, died at 10. His exwife(Michael-son's mother) not her, her sister and his oldest daughter Brae is here from Florida. I want to meet them but who am I to him/ how bout his love? Anyway just got texts from his wife Christina her mom got them a room at nearby hotel pinea[[le for the week. SO now Im sick and in tears thinking. lovesick. blue. ALSO got a doc call, an obgyn I saw in June 2012 called me to tell me I had an abnormal pap that long ago, and I have been seeing another who has sent me thru some ultrasounds after abnormal paps but nothing after. So now more docs tests. Maybe I will not be a ble to have a child after all. 4 terminations will do that to my body adn karma. DAMN I want to be with my happiness, marry, child, away from here. My niece Lena was born today, we will see her tomorrow. I can at least call pineapple now for him but not easy option to see him. UGH! I am so not happy adn havent left. goodnight

We hung out today for a lil while. Christina his wife begged me to go get him for her. He kissed me and I kissed him back. We will be together again. He has to put her in rehab and I have to get a place. Then we will work together to get through everything. I love him so much. Nathan did laundry at his mother's and they say (korena called for me) he is asleep. I dont believe that that wouldve been my excuse but my butt is on fire from taco salad and previous anal rape. I told Bryan about the anal rape. He talked a lot but Im sure nothing will be done. I was also informed by someone else Bryan smokes crack. I confronted him again and he said no. Tell them confront me to my face. Rock solid, he is, his body, muscles, kisses, he puts me in ecstacy. Seeing him puts me in ecstacy. I told Nathan I was on toilet (which I was when I got home) and it was his fault for anal raping me. That will be my reason for leaving, the surgery, procedures I have to go through for the colonitis. His fault. I begged him to stop and screamed and he did it again and again. He promised not again after last time, said I couldnt see, BS, and I would leave him he did it again. I got a place to go but its dirty, crowded adn dirty and chimney like smokers. I want our own place away from everyone else. Home, vehicle, pets, kids etc. Time & saving money...Its good Nathan has no idea I was with Bryan or I'd be homeless. Nathan awake now and will be on next bus. I told him I dont feel good about my butt. It was so nice to see Bryan and he asked for a kiss, I didnt think he would, he said he would so cheat on her with me, megan said do it behind their backs (christina&nathan) I told him I didnt think he would. I wold him I was taking a pg test friday if I didnt get my period by then cuz I was sleeping with both of them on my period last month. He said it doesnt matter whose it is I m a man and will take care of it as mine. (Bryan said) Nathan swore before he wouldnt raise another mans child but when this came up he changed his perspective. He will do anything to keep me but im already gone just physically present. I love bryan. Am I his soulmate not is he mine? Going to copy in EP! Kisses were amazing, holding him, touching him, being up to him fills me with something I can not explain. I said I loved him but I lied, because this more than love I feel inside Michael Bolton.

We texted in Spanish for a lil while last night. I translated this song "when you say nothing at all" by Allison Kraus. I love him. And maybe in time we will be together again. Nathan will be back soon. Can not let him see this. Bully John offered his dick again and said he already had my sister Stacy, GROSS,, not happening. No dick/cash for dick acceptable. I have happiness with good dick and love and magic.

Michael is Bryan's son who died at ten years old, Christopher his son who died at twn months old. Michael only died 2-2&half years ago. So no response from Bryan since Sunday. I am okay. I am sure its better for us to not see us eachother, it will just hurt worse than missing him. I still hold all his papers & special book. Nathan is in bed. I worked 9-11 and didnt sleep last night. I got my CPOD machine for sleep apnea. Sleep with a nose mask to keep me breathing through the night. Bryan doesn't even know I am supposed to be on a machine overnight. I hold my weaknesses from him so he sees my strength and knows I can handle my own. Proved I can't handle my own being here & not where he is. This song, "when you say nothing at all" allison kraus version I completely dedicate to him. We would lay there adn inhale and exhale eachother's breathes and stare into eachother's eyes for long periods of time. He sees who I am and who I see I am. Unfortuantely my weaknesses in myself is what keeps us apart. Megan offered me a place with her at her parents' house, they filthy rich and she has to pay $1000 rent and said she'd cover mine with her lawsuit. Nathan made me feel so low last night, I wouldnt be anyone with out him, I would be househopping like tammy and melissa, wind up in the shelter, and if broke rule there be outside for the night, end up in prov on drugs hooking without him. Nice boyfriend. Where do I go from here? I only told Megan about what Nathan said. She will get it back to Joel, Bryan, Christina & anyone who will listen. Living there sounds great, hot tub, until I move in there. I know Megan enough that she loves gossip and drama and negativity to her pleasure. Living here is my own misery. So many know I love Bryan and live with Nathan. My twins' mom ran her mouth trip to Providence while she thought I was in to the headphones. But when she sees me and I can hear she got nothing to say. I am cool. Manage myself. Just keep away from those who may swing first then I am screwed. ACI no thank you. I love you Bryan. SO many secrets, so much darkness. Got another dick offer, John Moreno, big bully in middle school, tried to talk to me about getting his dick, he wanted me since then when he made me feel ugly then too. Now I feel like evryone sees me as sex trash. I sleep with Bryan&Nathan and everyone got dick offers? No thank you is all I say and I go on my way. How bout some love, trust, honor, respect, home security? TOO MUCH TOO ASK IN ONE! Coworker Chello gives me advice on housing and saving $ options. Got to search adn suffer alone then here. We dont get kids anyway him&his mom fighting bout me. Got my lessons 4&5 printed now got to study and get 2 exams completed, then only lesson 8 to complete this lesson. But reading assignments I can not download on Nathans computer. So more time at library, out, away. Time heals. I need to move off this damn Island

Goodnight VR

Bryan texted me to ask How I feel, I f I am happy, I love him so much but told him I alredy chose Nathan. But I wish to hold him thru Christophers birthday, his son who passed away 2-2&half years ago. I made Nathan my choice again. I hurt yes I do, but why repeat myself with the pain to everyone again. I am afraid of where I will end up leaving Nathan. The Lord has kept me here for a reason, im closer to the Lord here. The Lord will help me thru this heartbreak. I trust in the Lord. Still hurting tho. Pain will pass. I told Nathan if he anal raped me again. I am gone. He said he will not. We will see.

I called Daddy, Jim, Sandra's biological father. I called him the day I forgot my meds and cried all day running to mommys, chris' and kat's house. Then I be going to Janie's late to bomb. It was nice to pour out my tears to someone who wouldnt judge or interrupt. Just listen and try to soothe me. Bryan called me at 2:15& 2:21 am and I was sleeping, got his voice mail only 20 minutes ago. I didnt speak to him. I teted who is this? then called got her machine, and then his voicemail just call back at number on my ID. Damn what does he want besidesw his paperwork...but 2am for papers? PLEASE! UMMM...clueless...no need be calling at 2am behind her back. Is he a devious, charming, heartbreaker? Or did I make move to make it he was gone? I am the heartbreaker. What does he want? I cant handle having him and losing him again. I can not just leave Nathan, we working on our communication, relationship.How can I come home, attempt to work on us with love in the back...I can not play the love/heartbreak again. I hurt Natha, and Bryan, and love Bryan and Nathan. Nathan is my home. Bryan wasa my happiness. I left my happiness for my home...I cant keep swapping, everyone getting hrut by me. I can not do this to Nathan or bryan again. nathan deserves better than me but he loves me and brought aa family to me, his children he allowed in my life and allowed me to be their mother. I can not abandon my kids for another man. That is what it would be. This is my family. It hurts to even know I made this choice and dont want to go back...I love Bryan, I gave him my all, and fell hard for him but I made Nathan my choice and this home adn family. I dont want the swapping and hurting. I love Nathan yes he drives me nuts but year and half no one made it there since Bobby Dresser...We together for a reason. Damn I am hurting and want to go back yes but this is my home and my family. I love Nathan and this family so much. But Bryan is my happiness. I told Nathan Bryan called after I said Do you think we would have mde it this far if we were not meant to be? He shook his head no and hugged me then I told him of th ephone call. and my choice was made, going back is going to break everyones heart including my own. How could I just come back and walk away, wlak out on these kids for another man? My happiness. The kids will not understand that until they are in love. ANd my twins would be more broken with my departure after their own mothers' departue. I am here for them. Happiness or Home? I already chose, why go back and repeat myself the same pain to everyone else including myself. I called Daddy and told him I was better adn Nathan&I working on stuff, adn Bryan called and IDK why but that was then&this is now. Life goes on.

Nathan has to stop anal raping me because I have a tear in my ass and have to go to east Providence next monday alone(Nathan has to stay here because my night sleep apnea copd machine is being delivered. ) to a colonrectal specialist. I have some type of colitis. Not good. I am in so much inner bottom self esteem. I feel eveyone sees me as a slut. I want peopl eto remember me for other reasons. Then they had sex with me or tried too or wanted too. UGH! I got to work today ditching dentist. Bryan hasnt been there since last Thursday. His family, Ozzy&Evelyn said no they havent seen him since once after they got back together. Megan said theyre moving in with Joel, so Christina will still be smoking crack and cloud nine. Then Bryan may be too. Only because friend I told I was seeing him was his drugdealer & she would always be asking for food or a cigarette. My friend I always call Clyde said his girl told her stop and she would catch him hallway for cigarette. He is so charming, am I another notch? But holding him through mamis death definitely left a mark, er, ICU, his head smashed open, being with him drunk and having 20 second awake seizures. I was there and slept outside in the cold then went with migraine and no sleep & shots for pain relief. I think about him alot. But therapy went well, Nathan & I communicate, and he encourages me and not hold me back from my goals of being grown and succeeding. I still want my own place, with heat, hot water, bathtub, wlectric, computer & internet. Internet is needed for my college work, internet schooling. I would like it for other things. I busted Nathan's lip accidetally hitting him to hard but he was saying something bout hurting me worse before I told him Im torn and bleeding. I hate butt surgery, trying to poop, and after surgery walking. It sucks. I loved working today. I tell them all the time they boost my self esteem. The other clients I work with. Well I just made a ball python for a $20 sac from lil sis...SOUPED! And Nathan cleansed the lil fishtank and set it up for the snake now Sandra cant come so Nathan wants to go there til pick it up.

LATER

COMMENTS

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DarksHeart
04:38 Feb 02 2013

oh my..

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Saetan
04:43 Feb 02 2013

Not to be mean or anything - Just telling you honestly - People see you as a slut because you are posting too much info like this in your journal.

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deringerdan
18:05 Feb 02 2013

wtf......

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