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So I spent today at Jenn's after docs and meeting up with mom & ambrie&murphy. Bombed got from cousin and got little chinese. Walked & sweated alot which is good. Burn calories Lose weight. Back to work tomo Full day 4hours. No AC No Fan two windows open and body heat. Its not comfy in summer, but Ive been there 3yrs this year. Leah needs to help me more with housing. I need more serious therapy. I need out of here and somehow cut his restitution. Not much luck with attorneys. None Ive called have helped. One said "this is a tough case especially after you pleaded out without a trial. But if you want to take this road my retainer is over $5000." Yeah thanks. No luck. Family says dont give up, friends say it aint going to happen cuz pleaded out. Im giving up already. My probation will be done soon maybe Ill have a better chance.

Going to music&cards.



Calvin brunch saturday...

talked to softball player im not interested but tough love said today dont judge like by a siple call.

computer screwed up... Calvin & I have a breakfast meeting Saturday morning. I got a softball game Friday night now and sleeping in woonsocket im sure ill be kicked out then. Murph&Nate seem to be boys since they locked ambrie out for 15min while I was sleeping and thats y she was yelling outside. Her murph is supposed to be a man like went to jail in Puerto RIco and got tear tatoos means killed someone. Well he cried and his face turned and he was not attractive or manly looking at that time. So im goiong with them and they know a player...COOL

goodnight



he hacking so he awake

So much drama & chaos. So unhappy. Overeating, either too much sleep or not enough. Ambrie in a homeless spot so staying at my moms with her murph. Nathan & I had sex 4x in 3 days and (or 3x in 2days.) slept with him in bed last night. Now I put myself back on couch. He is just nasty & hurts my feelings. So Murph&her had a loud loud disagree ment while I was napping and I wakr up Nathan starts yelling at me bout her yelling and blah so I tell him shut the F*** up cuz I just woke and my head hurs. He dont care. I knew once we felt better wed start smoking cigrets again. He back to 2 packs a day. I cant live with it. So tarot may be coming true soon bout new atmosphere & crew & learning bigger things. Saw ppl from past Jacob&Ash back here for good. Saw a man from uncles church who remembered my face but not name. I remembered him too after a chat. I saw Sam SB from Fest (we used to have amazing sex and I had orgasms with him & he was like 17 then) Craig stopped texting but I dont mind. Calvin&I supposed to have breakfast/

Nate tells me this morning go to your mothers we need space. I starting packing, he said your taking all your stuff, I said yes this space is done, im not coming back. He begged me to stay, but he wins bcuz I got no food or shower at my moms. But im keeping moms place clean in case of emergency. My simple hygiene shit is on the bottom of my purse(soap, razor, toothbrush and paste) I have no security. I dont lie to nathan but keep stuff from him now. Like I talk to my husband again and my ex craig hit me up on facebook and we chatting, he knows bout nathan. I dont lie often. So im not having sex with nathan for a long time now. Im sick of his get out leave then please dont leave me. Ill fall asleep on couch again but my excuses will only last so long. Tonight is our sheets are in laundry bag and he has itchy blankets on bed(truth) I want my security. Craig asked me today thru text (not exact words delete and clear all texts&calls habit like my phone clean)

what is to become of him&I and my response is to hangout and see water and chinese and walk and talk and be simply clear adn happy. he said good answer

PS NIGHTMARES SLOWED DOWN SINCE OFF PROZASIN something like that.

COMMENTS

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xRobin3x
17:08 May 15 2012

glad your nightmares has slowed down.

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POST COMMENT

Two nights ago Nathan told me "Get out, go to your moms, I dont want u here anymore, best of luck." I begged to stay. Now he is in full control and I just nod and okay and agree. He looks at me nude now and just looks at me dumb. He hears these songs I am sure he is sending messages with but that may be my paranoia. He sold his ativans to Jeffrey and thats what is making him a mean nut. Greg this guy from work gives me rides sometimes and he gets upset. He bought me to run all my errands and a pack of newports yesturday and im sure Nate was not happy. But I dont lie to him about anything, I feel its trust&communication, helping eachother thru the good&bad. I spoke to my husband a few times and he bugged out. Thats not fair of me cuz if he was chattty wit the (2)cwords who abandoned his kids id go balistic but if they were in our kids lives(oldest daughter 18 or bout to be 18 ran off with her broke nasty mom who cant take care of her and dropped her off at DCYF as a baby just come around) My husband Calvin & I dont have kids together and he is begging me again to have one with him and fight for his daughter that DCYF took two days after birth cuz the mother lost her other kids to DCYF. He chooses to live there in stead of his own place ASAP to fight for his daughter. IDK what he is thinking but im not ready to have a baby. Janies mothers day party went well. Casey came with her baby girl Charleigh(may be spelled incorrect) Cassandra came with aunty janie BF bro came just out of jail and we bombed. It was a nice Sunday day. It was Sunday night Nate went balistic and I just went on couch. But then I begged to stay. Rob calls me a fool. I think he goes against me in his head for living with Nate when I dont want to be with him. After Sunday night started carrying meds, soap, tthbrsh, tthpaste, razor, contacts and their supplies. How I put on a smile and say im fine, we are good, ILY too is beyond me. So im trying to fix my moms place wash everything clean it out get house supplies, vacuum, wash, new broom, etc in case i need ER shelter. I G@G work.

So much to say but i cant get in to last week i cant remmber it all right now



I LOVE YOU & MISS U JENNIFER IND

My mentality is out of control and so are my nightmares. another school shooting, not the shooter this time, I didnt go to school there anymore in the dream but saw it as if I was there. I wake up sweatiing like a hog. Disgusting. I bought another deck of tarot cards. Trying again to turn to magic7nature7wicca. Jennifer ILOVEU AND MISSU GIRL! im so proud of you growing up being good getting better. im trying to finish this first course so once I get my results back I can decide on switching schools. I want to attend a real college with a classroom and a schedule that I have to pay for adn attend. Im not motivated online anymore. I am stuck spinning my brain spins in my head. I feel emotions from others and sense who has power over any deck of cards even playing cards. I want to learn about myself and what is there. But im stuck. Back to motivation reading books and I wrote my conclusion. So tomorrow I should email it in. Set in calendar. Nate adn I are alright. I just dont love him. But he loves me and I make him happy and that keeps me happy so it all works out. I do whatever I can. Seeing my nieces&nephews all recently was awesome, pictures and dinner and gooooood bud lol. I love my family. Always, all the kids too.

UNCLE RAY & I are talking again, had awful spaghetti sauce & nathan loved it so I gave him mine. We played SORRY. Uncle Ray won and Nathan did once, It was great seeing Uncle RAy laugh but my relationship changed when he started fighting with me. and calling me terrible names, leaving horrible messages, when I took care of him, me and my mom, not his kids or anyone else. Unfortunately Jen, Ambrie's sister has cervical cancer adn that's what my Aunty Del died of leaving behind 6 children. Jen wants me to do her tarot and I just dont want to see her death. Not soon anyway. I love Ambrie, her ex suicide few halloweens ago was bad enough and not losing your own flesh and blood sister.

I could not imagine losing one of mine.

Off to youtube and spider solitaire.