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Just out of curiosity I Google Earth’d one of the houses I lived in when I was 11 years old. Then it was a cute little house. There was an apartment downstairs a friend of my father’s from work rented. He had a daughter who visited in the summer- she lived in Germany with her mom who was in the Air Force… and she taught me the song: “Mein Weg zur Schule ist nicht schwer i-a-i-ei-oh". In this home, I shaved my legs for the first time (cut myself up horribly and wore pants on the hottest days until it healed so no one would find out I used a razor), I christened Lime Kool-Aid, “Frog flavored Dig’em Drink” (after the Honey Smacks cereal frog), listened to Michael Jackson’s Thriller album non-stop, watched Mary Lou Retton win Gold in the all-around competition, watched rented video tapes I shouldn’t have (I Spit On Your Grave, and Fritz The Cat), saved my allowance as long as I could to buy a Panda Trapper Keeper and a Smurf radio… and well… So much more.

I decided to check out the property on a real estate site to see if there were any photos. I looked at pictures of every room in the house and memories continued to flow through… Unfortunately, the house is an absolute mess. Looks like a complete dump. Parts of it are so bad, it’s just not fit for anyone to be living there. Absolutely heart-wrenching. Like a knife stabbing at my memories. ☹️ I looked at my old bedroom window from the outside… Thought about how I used to wish someone would come knock on it at night so I could sneak out. In this imagination back then I was at least 15 or 16… And it would be some cute guy. 😂 In this house- my brother and I with some other friends broke into another house a few blocks away that was empty. My brother found a piece of wood that looked kind of like a boomerang, and he flung it across the room… It hit me in the temple and knocked me out. It was the first time I’d ever been knocked out… I remember that I saw it flying toward me, and the next second I was opening up my eyes from a different angle… Flat on my back staring straight at the ceiling. Everyone was freaking out and saying we shouldn’t tell anyone because we’d get in trouble for being there… So I risked my life with no medical care as to not be a snitch. Heh.

COMMENTS

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
03:45 Jul 26 2025

Aside from seeing the house the way it is now, the stroll down memory lane sounds very nice. I find that now certain smells, temperatures, sounds and the combination of those things can send me back to a specific place.... the sound of crickets outside in the right temperature takes me to one of my favorite places as a child. Sitting in a chair on the beach as the sun is lowering and feeling a breeze... I can close my eyes and be there in a specific moment of my youth. I love moments like those.

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There’s always this imposter syndrome going on with me – I get so worried about schoolwork. The other day, I was so convinced that I was going to fail an assignment that I would submit in the evening that I went out for a really long walk when it was way too hot… Just to try and calm down. I came back, finished the work, and reluctantly submitted it along with a note to my professor, explaining how I was feeling about the whole thing. Yesterday the assignment was graded and she left me this comment, “You've done a fantastic job with this assignment! Your worrying really seems for naught. Your sense of story structure is quite strong. Your scenes are labelled appropriately. Keep up the great work. Let me know if you have any follow-up questions.” - and gave me a 100%.

Wow. I really need to work on this confidence. I know that the confidence issues I have are rooted in the past. I wish I had a magic eraser to go back over my life like an assignment and edit it… Erase things here and there.

*

I could easily get sucked back into a rabbit hole of depression about finances. I have been incredibly blessed to be able to buy a new house and get enough moved to actually be living here - I never thought that my dog would have such a costly emergency. I think I might be able to credit my stability to the Wellbutrin. I have been able to reframe this whole thing in gratitude that I was able to finance his procedure at all. He is still with me. Yes, I am not in a position to get fully moved out of my old place because of these payments... but I am able to manage it all and still have enough to cover the bills. I just don't have much left after. That is far better than not being able to cover your bills on top of people coming after you and not enough to buy food. There are different levels of broke and mine isn't the worst by a stretch. The roof over my head, its utilities, and food supply is not in danger. Anything else is gravy. I know this will get paid, and when it's complete... I can start saving again. And to be fair to my previous depressive years, I wasn't medicated on top of have a much worse financial state.

Just gotta keep being grateful. I don't have to start thinking, "here we go again"... no, we DON'T go there again.

COMMENTS

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Morrigon
20:13 Jul 25 2025

One step at a time. Sometimes confidence is unattainable, so I try to not think about myself in general. Self obsession, even if we're trying to be critical and constructive, is still self obsession.

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Cartomancer
01:05 Jul 26 2025

Yeah, it's tough.

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Cartomancer
01:05 Jul 26 2025

Edit up there..."I wasn't medicated on top of *having* a much worse financial state."

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Today is Daire’s birthday. 😞

I enjoy school, but I still can't wait until it's over- just to ease up on this particular anxiety. I continue to do well, second guessing myself all the way. The praise though... man, definitely been in need of it. This particular class is the best one yet. Too tired right now to get into to it though. :)