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It's been about five monthes... It hurts. I lost my grandmother December 28 2011. Let me replay that terrible day, and the rest of that year, maybe then you will get why it hurts.

I woke up that morning the exact time she died, and I just somehow knew. I went back to sleep, hoping it was just some terrible, horrible dream.

Then my nightmare came back, one I've been having ever since my grandmother started getting sick. She's been in and out of nursing homes, this nightmare showed her in the garden of one. The one she died in. It showed her dying. No she didn't die in the garden but in that hospital, that prison of sorts. I feel guilty letting her die.

My sister woke me, saying 'mom's crying' I held them, let them cry on my shoulder, I had to be strong for them. I cried that day though in my room. The privacy of my room, the shower on so no one could hear, I tore down my posters. I yelled and raged. I broke the bathroom mirror. I cried more then I could ever remember crying before.

The day afterwards we went to Walmart to get something for to wear for her memorial, I broke down in front of everyone around. It was painul, shopping, acting normal after she died.

We spent the next two day at my uncles. All my aunts and uncle geting together for once not fighting.

The day before new years eve, before my uncles birthday, before the memorial service, my mom made me go hang out with friends, because I had already made the plans. It took everything in me to act okay, and not break down and cry on their shoulders.

That night my cousin, the eldest of my grandma's grandchildren said he didn't claim us as family. If my mother and aunts didn't stop me, I would have probably killed him. My uncles helped though, they gave me an ax. Told me hit a few trees, imagine it was his face. They wanted to kill him just as badly.

My boyfriend got mad at me, he had called me the morning of the memorial, asking me to hang out with him. He knew how important my grandma was. He told me if I couldn't hang out with him it was over. I told him goodbye.

As soon as the preist started speaking I started crying, it made everything so final. It made it seem as if my grandma was just the ashes that lay on my uncles shelf.

I find some comfort in the song, 'Holes in the Floor of Heaven' the day of her memorial we was leading people in the church, saying hello to the siblings of Grandma's I never met, when it started raining, a light rain, it was sunny.

I took one look at the rain and said, 'That's grandma, making sure we know she's safe.'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Now I'm not writing this for pity. I'm writing it because I needed that off my chest, and because everyone should know, when you lose someone who was like your guide, you don't ever really get better. You go through each day doing your best. Trying to please them. Because you know out there somewhere they are stll watching you and want only the best. You have to cry. Its okay.



It's been five monthes and I still can't think of my grandma without tears coming to my eye. She was pefect to me. But a few things keep me going. Knowing that she died happy.

Knowing she is no longer suffering, that she saw one more christmas, her favorite holiday. That she got to hold her first great-grandchild. That she talked to us the day before. As if she knew it was going to happen. I loved her. I love her. She was the one I always went to for advice.

Even though she isn't with me physically, doesn't mean I can't still go to her for advice. She'll just give it to me differently. I'm glad she held on as long as she did. Even though I didn't see her any time around then. I'm glad she was still there for me.

The only thing I regret is I never gave her her christmas present, a journal, a beautiful one, and a shirt that said the galaxys best grandma. I kept the journal, I now write in it almost religiously, to keep myself from forgetting her. And it make me feel closer. I couldn't bear looking at the shirt. That was the one thing she wanted for christmas a shirt saying she was the best grandma. And she was.



So if you lost someone. Its okay to cry for them. To feel lost and lonely. Just know you aren't alone.

-Celeste