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Going a week without media has taught me: absolutely nothing about myself. I honestly dont pay much attention to facebook, vampirerave and tv, although Im signed on on both sites pretty much all day and I use the television as company usually. This week just showed me that Im perfectly capable of doing my things in silence, thats about it. My friends didn't seem to suffer too much either, although they missed allmighty google during some discussions. With or without media, the ammount of boredom in my life is just about the same either way, wich in a way is kind of sad. But then being unemployed is kinda sad in itself, without adding a lacking social life, or a life in general. I prefer the company of my books, just like I did when I was a little girl.



Nerdpower!

Big surprice, Im depressed as usual. Since the breakup Ive been reading more about bipolar, mostly cuz Im hungry for learning something, but also because there are so many things about myself I wonder if its due to bipolar. Long story short Ive desided to stop wishing for mr "perfect" since theres no such thing out there for me. Remember me saying when Im sad that Im not girlfriend material, well turns out I was right, odds of me having a successful longterm relasionship that isn't abusive in some form aren't great so Im trying to get used to the idea of life alone.

My life is pretty pathetic alreaddy; Unemployed, living with my parents, my best friends are my brother and his girlfriend and thats it for my social life. Ive stopped partying, stopped hoping to meet someone, stopped chatting. Pretty much all I do is paint, preferably with someone else in the house so I dont feel like a total hermit. I also read when I go to bed, occasionally I eat, my dreams, ambitions and freetime is spent planning to paint or seeking inspiration to paint more. Im like a massproducing factory of random crap. I also spend alot of time playing candy crush lol.



My 2 year plan is as follows:

1. Get a job

2. Get a car

3. Get an apartment

4. Get a dog and name it Banjo

5. Get a good soundsystem for my car so I can listen to quality music when I drive places.



Thats all there is really, possibly make more friends, but Ive been trying to do that in this town for 3 years alreaddy without luck so its stupid to list that as a goal.



Ive been thinking about starting up on meds, but with all the side effects Im not sure, maybe its just better to be depressed most of the time. Everyone says: it'll get better once you get a job and can afford your own place!

Like HELL it will! Then Ill be all alone all the time, frankly I take horrible care of myself when Im on my own, that sounds horrible, but mostly Im too depressed to do much of anything, cooking, cleaning, shopping becomes these insane things that are impossible to overcome. I know I cant live here, and living with a bf isn't an option for obvious reasons (Ill just break up with him after about a month) so I have to be able to do it somehow, I just dont know how.. I know what you're thinking "chores aren't fun, but you do them anyway".. but thats not it, its not lazyness, I just cant find the energy in me for anything, it's just not there.



Im a fuckup, there it is, Ive said it.

Fuckup signing off. Ill be back next time I feel like spreading my depressed mind onto whoever reads these.

Till then.. I dont know, hug your mom or something, do something useful.

COMMENTS

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Iamhell
11:53 May 08 2013

Hugs

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