The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Grateful! Sent out an email today, and already 5 responses. YAY :)



I'm sure there are hundreds that won't respond. But that is ok, it's a fresh start and I'm looking forward to furthering my work in the community.



I even started another FB page for the Community Acupuncture I do...



Scary, cool and exciting times. Yet I can't forget even a week ago, that was pure fear. Bone chilling, stop you in your tracks, cry yourself to sleep fear.



That is the power of the mind. It is important to never forget this, because more than anything; our perspective shapes our actions. Thoughts are things

I went from nice buzz to drunk, and didn't even realize it o.O



Well at least, I still can type :P

Monsters Inc. The best thing to watch while cooking/making graphics :D



So I made a double stuffed baked potato. Baked six large potatoes.



Then cut them in half and "gutted them"



1/4 stick of butter

touch of water to help "mash"

3/4 container of greek yogurt

1 Tsp chipolte spice

2 Tsp chives

1/2 small onion chopped fine

3 Tsps minced garlic

3 TBS parmesan

3 oz cheddar grated

1/4 cup salsa (I used costco's organic)



Mix it all together and then bake again for 20' at 250.

So I'm on the phone with my Mom, it seems the downward slope of my god-mother has increased. The chemo now is not working and the new form is far more aggressive and will be far harder on her body. My mom isn't doing well, this has been one of her best friends since before I was born, which is why she is my god-mother.



Life. It's hard but well worth the ride. Gratitude for every moment isn't needed, but it makes it so much more enjoyable.

10 years ago I graduated from Acupuncture school. I never in my life expected the changes and turns that have come from this. And while there have been many instances where it has be tough, I can honestly express one thing...



I am grateful.



Absolutely and completely. Don't get me wrong, I have several challenges a head. But one of the things that was expressed as I turned down coaching for the university this fall, is that already my approach is different. It is being noticed. The work I am doing, is paying off and will allow for more growth than I can possibly imagine.



I have to stay open, I have to approach it one step at a time.



Now more than ever, I not only feel like I have the tools, but I know them. They are familiar in my grasp and that gives me more opportunity to expand on them. I have so much more to do, but today in the light of our second sunny day; I feel able and ready.



Gratitude is simply not a big enough word.

Amazing how assumptions fly.



Then again, not that amazing. More like a monkey throwing poo.

Anyone remember the time my journal got hijacked by Morrigon because I passed out on cam?



Oh yeah, we're definitely going to try this game on cam lol

I wonder if we could commission someone to make booze IV's. Would make it so much easier.



I'm logging on to VR. Here's your IV ;P

I think this sums up the VR drinking game:



You end up in VR rehab or dead.



And since it's VR rehab, you start drinking again....



*singing* It's the circle of dumb, here to make our lives fun

Drink one shot every time someone says:



My rights have been violated!



Freedom of speech!



So and so is MEAN to me!



I was blocked!



It's UNFAIR!



Why do admins HATE ME!



You are biased and MEAN!



I didn't start it...



I'm just trying to get the truth out...



I AM NOT _____, That is the MEAN person



What do you mean I can't have 20 free profiles



You suspended me for NO reason!



They stole my picture!!! (that I stole from someone else)



SEE- I have protection stamp, and we're gonna downrate you!



They and their friends are rate bombing me



They are reading my journal!!!! Make them stop!!!!!!



Any others you want to add??? Right about now, I'm good for the YEAR. I don't think I have enough booze to even get past the first three... o.O

:( I over spent a bit today. However it was for business and in truth it will pay for itself, VERY quickly.



I also have a receptionist YAY YAY YAY.... AND she doesn't "need" th e job which means to start out, my payment is treatment! THANK THE GAWDS. It will make this transition all the smoother.



Still tons to do. A bit of organizing today, while I watch Dr. Who... and then tonight, tonight I think I'll watch Anne of Green Gables.

First phone call and booking of my new space :)



Best part is, it happened in PJ's.



Part of why I'm encrypting these entries, is I want to be honest with what is happening- and frankly if someone from work looks at it, I've had enough mis-representation and misunderstanding there already.



This is my journal. My place to make a mess of, and hopefully also put my life into perspective.



I get to go shopping for chairs for clinic today. Here is to hoping they are cheap! Worst part is: I'm paying double rent this month. I would be ok, but previous place worked rent out of percentage (which is why I paid 25k last year to them) and that is also why I am "poor" even though I have been making good money.



My business cards are ready (Yay!) so here it goes. Now I'm just waiting for my registration. AND finding where my next (hopefully last) stop with my practice will be.

Had a friend take me to see GI Joe. Not bad- not great either, but it was enjoyable.

I'm certain there will be talk about my leaving tonight, but the truth is- work has had a off feeling since last summer. Add what has happened to me, and it's the last place I've wanted to go. All of my equipment and supplies are out. I'm still willing to treat should someone not make it to the new space (for this next week only) but it is a major relief to simply not be there.



I do not wish ill, nor do I wish harm- but I want to move on.





So much yet to be done, but at least in this- I feel better.

Today is my last day here. OMG it feels SOOOO GOOD!



Now on to the next steps of what is next :)

CONFIRMED! Stage one: new practice space done.



On to stage two... after all you have to take over the world one step at a time ;)

WHY today is so important.



Consider showing your support for HUMAN EQUALITY.

Full moon in libra. Well that explains my dreams last night. Was a rather realistic dream of a broken friendship, one where others polluted what was happening and made things appear to NOT be what they were. When chips fell, I tried to be there, but the door had already been shut.



Now I'm not a victim, this friendship fell apart when I was at my LOWEST, NEEDIEST. They had every right to break it off, as my mentality was HORRIBLE. I get it. I'm sorry for it. But that sorrow won't change it.



Still the dream came to "peace" with this person, some shouting on both sides and then mutual understanding of what happened. No resolution, more a peace at the rift, instead of "guilt and shame".



Another interesting point of the dream was a confrontation with the person who the misdirection stems from. It's all due to guilt and shame. No really, they refused to talk to Garry for six months before he died, and then only showed up at the hospital because I called them and "yelled" at them about how serious it was. Now in their mind, they didn't talk "because he was trying to protect them".



Who knows? Something I said still rings true in the "day". What does it matter? He is dead. None of us will know the truth of his actions, they were buried with him. It doesn't matter if he did or didn't love me, he's dead. What he tried or didn't try to do, again, doesn't matter. What does matter is that whatever it was, I made certain he and I were good. No matter how bad my behaviour, and we all had that during that time; no matter I made certain he and I were ok. And that is why now, I don't fucking care. My life must go on, and go on without the weight of 'shoulda, coulda, and woulda'."



What I didn't say, is knowing that, more than anything else makes it easier. Not that I don't miss the bastard. But there is no regret, no sorrow for what happened. There are some things I would have done differently if Kat and I had been friends then- but we weren't so there isn't anything we would change.



Why does this relate now? Because if I am to truly step forward, leaving my job is the last "hurt" that must be healed. Big truth there. I simply MUST allow my mistakes with this employer (oh and there is a few BIG ONES) roll away. I must consciously choose how to move forward. And I must clean up my shit (this is getting better. I'm far more aware and have been doing a lot towards this).



Still there is a long way to go.



Another tid bit. The toe ring that I've worn since I moved here? It came off in my sleep last night. You know, the one that changed colour while Garry was dying? That one. I am going to put it in a salt bath and let it bathe in the moonlight tonight. But for the moment, I have no desire to wear it, the thought actually repulses me.

It is so hard not to be paralyzed by fear. So much has to happen, and right now I'm starting to panic as I'm still waiting for key things to be communicated. Frack.

It's his site and you can cry if you want to, cry if you want to, cry if you want to...



How many times do people threaten lawsuits?



So many times I think we need to start a drinking game? Who's in?

Talk about a fucking frustrating day.



Sent out emails last week/today that are VERY important, and haven't heard back from EITHER. Gah.



I truly hate uncertainty, it is wearing on my last nerve. Got some of my work done for today, but still have a bunch more to do.



Walk time. Not just for dogs, but for ME.

My childhood friend and her Ted Talk :) YAY!

It's strange going through all these things from the past few years. I'm truly beginning to wonder exactly how my perception is. So often I feel like I'm "waking" yet, I know I've been conscious on many levels, each time expanding a bit more.



What I'm seeing now I can't quite place.



Still it's an exciting time, if not very scary.



Time to "suck it up" and more importantly; apply all that I've learned.

I have been sleeping a lot the past couple of days. As in 10-12hrs. I think it's because the start of last week I was so "amped" I was not resting fully.



Although last night I dreamed I was pregnant. I don't remember the mid point- but in the dream it happened. Somehow I got pregnant with a friend who had died. When he came back, it was as if "nothing happened" but it was several months later, he knew where he had been (like a trip, only we called it "death").



He was walking home, and I went to get him, knowing another friend was expecting to pick him up. It was awkward seeing him as he said, "I should call Lori".



"Yeah, but I'm here now. Oh hell..." reaching to give him a hug.



"I heard, just one of those boy-toys"



"Something like that, but not now. That will come later"



"K"



I still don't know if I woke myself or if it just ended. Might have been a combination of the two. I will put this down as one of those strange stress dreams. It's good to be dreaming again, but at the same point- who put the drugs in my tea last night.



o.O

There is no happier sound than that of running puppies :)

I'm spending a lot more time with this third round making certain everything gets done.



Enough of this bs of back and forth Shat.



Honestly, my biggest mistake (the only thing I would "change) is how I trusted my previous Lawyer- and didn't contact him sooner. Even with the "gut response" about my leaving (wait for it) April.... how frigging crazy is that? I said it MANY, MANY times last year... even with that, I would not have looked any harder than I have been now.



And I think I know why.



I don't want another situation like this. I have an offer that would be happy to take my permit- but honestly I prefer to owe this friend a huge amount of gratitude and have put it down that if I can't float I have to start doing other work when I'm not seeing clients (web based work I can do in between etc. and I have some leads). Aside from that, I want to make certain that work permit is started this next week- and once that is on a roll, then I will do the paperwork for permanent residency.



In truth I've been through worse. But the stress is the same. And it needs to stop.



I looked at if it was a better idea for me to move to Buffalo, and it just doesn't seem like time here is done. I know I've looked at that before after Garry died, and for some reason I'm still really supposed to be here.



Honestly I even looked at if I wanted to move back to Seattle. None of it is "right". So for right now I am exactly where I need to be, and I simply have to get better doings. That is the hard part about when you run your own business. If you don't have systems in place before- well you drown.



Part of my failing is the extreme aspects of my situation. But over all I feel it is going to be good.



It's just getting through these next few weeks of high stress and uncertainty.

This is going to be a bumpy ride...

Once upon a time, it's enchanting.



Shaddup, I'm on a fairy tale kick- and it's awesome.

I should be working, but this cold is just enough that I don't have the energy.



SO much to do, but at the same point, when I have go go go energy- it is far easier than when I'm like this.



OK enough. time for me to find another show as Netflix doesn't yet have the last season of merlin :(

So it's a very good deal. A bit more for me organizationally- but along the lines of what I wanted.



Now I just need positivity sent that their HR department "bites" and is willing to take me on.

I have my meeting today to find out details, but I don't want to get off the couch- I have two snugly weeneez, and we're watching Merlin... Can't I clone myself to shower and get ready?

I took a break from Merlin the last season to listen to two back to back online seminars. I'm excited with some of the new information (it's gone into my coaching book)...



but now weeniez need their evil walk and after I go back to laundry and more Merlin. Not really sick anymore, but I do have swollen lymph nodes with generalized malaise.



Time for green tea.

Effing message system when I'm multitasking and pushing my computer's limit.



Really. It's Vr's fault that I overwhelmed my poor computer.

Nothing says ready for bed than freshly brushed teeth. And clean pj's. And homemade cocoa with peppermint schnapps. And a book. And.... Zzzzzzz

Home, although I'm thinking about those gluten free brownies...



Seems I started with a cold Friday, it hit me more yesterday and today I'm starting to feel better. Yay to slowing down and preventing icky stuffs.



But now Merlin calls. I just started season two today...

Poopy. So much for those plans :(

Why is it that passport photos always make you look like you were run over by the ugly stick in a warp drive? I mean really, they have got to be the worst photos ever.

Today is one of those magical days.



I woke to an email about my new space, Tuesday I get the details. :)



I went to get my police report, chiropractic adjustment, passport photos, and came home with a bunch of groceries.



Great news, the money that had been mailed to me arrived! :) That means that everything for registration is done, and tomorrow I get to mail it. YAY :) It is such a huge relief.



Now, I just have to get everything organized for the new place.



Oh and Costco has the chairs I need (uber nice ones) for 80 each. SO next pay, no play money for me, I get to buy chairs.

I should go to yoga. However sore throat and eating only once today while getting paperwork done means I am not attending my last class. :(

I am glued to my email o.O

I need to sit back and "gloat, pat myself on my back" remember what I have come from.



When I moved in 2006, I gave up everything. Two years later due to something I allowed someone else to do, I lost my car. Thus, "everything" of value was gone.



During this move I made it clear that I was taking out all of my savings in order to get here. I did it because the signs lead me here.



I made $300 my first three months. Each year has had significant growth. Even with the losses that I have had to go through.



This too shall pass. I just have to remember to stick to my plan and from there I will succeed. It's funny, I didn't know my calling TRULY until this happened.



Now I can see it so clearly I can almost taste it. It's just a matter of rolling with the waters, and making adjustments as I need to.



It will work out.

I know I sounded like a whiny bitch below. It is just frustrating when you are living off of next to nothing because you pay 25k for rent and space that most people spend 12-15k for. That remainder 13k could have been used to promote more business, pay off all my debt ... you get the idea.



That is the hard part of being self employed: bottom line is you.



I made the choice for where I am, I accept that. Mostly because I honestly didn't see myself getting to this spread so soon.



It is a frustration, that I tried to prevent, but the center is simply not willing to do that.



I'm grateful that my new potential employer is open and willing to put caps in place. It will make a huge difference for me. Plus we will renegotiate as the work load is determined by the staff. They do less, I pay less. I have them do more; then I pay more.



That I think will be a great aspect.



But OMG I WANT TO KNOW ALREADY. *sigh*



I guess it's because I want to make the announcement, and get everything out to clients asap.



Such a frustrating aspect.

I am pissed off. So the official reason I'm being let go is they want to replace my income with a naturopath. Nevermind I have worked with Naturopaths before.



They view my community as difficult and loosing them money.



Then why was my take home of last year 31k+? Keep in mind they take 43.5% split. So that means I made 56k+.



It would be awesome, except how they do it; I'm required to pay for all of my business expenses, I pay for my insurance, I pay for my licenses, continuing education (which is about 150 per 1 credit); and what do they do for me?



They answer the phones and take payment. True the use of space is also a big thing, but man- I still have to pay for everything else. So incredibly frustrating.



OK, rant is out of system. My thanks for putting up with it.



Good news, my interview went well yesterday. Depending on the numbers I should get from him either today or tomorrow, will depend on if I take this move. Over all, it has many things I'm familiar with, with all the aspects of how I've done things so far. Mutually we both will get something out of this. Partially because I have 16 years in healthcare either as admin staff or provider, and because I've been self employed since 2003.



Now I'm having a difficult time waiting for the proposal! ACK. I hate to keep asking for positivity, but please, it is still needed.

Oh that looks good! Keep sending positivity please!

My friend went home yesterday. Was a great weekend, having someone here was exactly what I needed to get my mind off of things.

I hate to say this, but I'm TRULY hoping the PT place I have in interview with tomorrow hires me, and hires me for salary. It would take so much pressure OFF of me right now. Plus would allow for me to pay off bills and to SAVE to do my community clinic.



I know I can do it on my own, but without funds, it would be years more of this rotation. More importantly I hate "standard" jobs. Truly I do. I get the importance of them, and I keep a schedule. However with what I do in clinic settings it puts me around too many people.



If I play my card right, I will end up with my own clinic at the end of this/next year. Yes I would still be working during that time. But it would allow me to bring in the right staff, and start my long term goal.



We'll see. A lot has to happen in the next few days before I know anything. I should be doing so much more. However, I simply don't see the "rush".

Spent last night dancing, and all of today watching American Horror Story. LOVE that show. Some gore, but honestly reminds me of Hitchcock, or old Vincent Price movies.



Now we are on to watching something else. Woo. Love a lazy sunday.

I feel bad. I'm having a house guest and I'm low on food supplies (have been tight budgeted since Dec, it's been a little worse these last two months).



Still I'm going to put a split pea on today and then I think I'll do a veggie Chili. I'm just used to having more options.



Oh well. That's what happens when the guest has cancelled the last two trips.



Oh I should also clean today. BOO. lol

I intended to be asleep sooner, but the anxiety hit.



Honestly it isn't work, it's like I'm numb inside and finally seeing.



I can even see how each step (or pause) created this very position. How intentionality or no, I did this. Not purposefully, but rather seeing a path to walk...



Yet unlike before, I now know what I want to do. Still the question is how. Things are coming out of the wood work, and I thought I was happy before.



And I was well enough. But the next step, needs to be right. Or I will be unhappy. There very well might be a compromise in the horizon. I'm actually hoping there is, because if it is what it feels like, it will take many pressures off- while putting me closer to what I truly want.



Ok now I run to the book, hopefully I can shut my fear off enough to sleep. Ironic/strange that I truly feel good about this, in a major way- but because I don't know how, I'm anxious and stressed.



Perhaps it is the "shock" of it. I don't know.

I think it is a netflix night and early bed. I slept better last night but am definitely wanting more sleep. Tomorrow I should get up early hit my yoga class and then park the car at work so my house guest this weekend can use my spot.

I am nervous and honestly scared. I just sent out a proposal. Not the final one, but one none the less...



I have honestly never felt so vulnerable. Just the idea of it though makes me excited, as in YES THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING, SHOULD HAVE DONE.



Perhaps it is that I have watched Amanda Palmer's Ted talk too much... but the pull on this I simply can't not listen, for it is the same pull that lead me here.

Some thoughts from people outside.



So this is only a rough draft



I need to pay off old boss by the end of the month. I also need to pay other debt I owe. So I'm going to look for a new sponsor and new location where I can do community/private pract out of. However I'm looking just to fund the community.



So after I have everything in place as in finding someone to help spot what is owed and helping open doors (different set of numbers), I will do an indiegogo fund asking clients/friends for support. Goal will be $500 which is just the cost of the chairs I need to do community. However, I will put it out there that if I raise:



3,500 set up one day a month to treat cancer patients for free/and go to the women's shelter for clinic.



7,000 will set up one day a month of regular clinic where all moneys go to women's shelter and Gene goodreau patient fund (can supply tax receipts that day only)



10,000 all of the above +will drop community starting cost to $17 including HST (currently is now $20 + HST extra)



13,000 will drop private rates by 20%



15,000 will add one more day a month for free treatments.



What donors will get:

$10 Clinic bumper sticker

$25 Bumper Sticker and bag

$50 T-shirt, bumper sticker, bag

(OR Treatment, bumper sticker, bag (limit 20)

$75 T-shirt, Treatment, bumper sticker, bag (limit 20)

(OR T-shirt, treatment, bumper sticker, bag 4 coupons for $5 off treatment)

$100 above + 4x6 Framed recognition (they supply picture or names)

$250 above + bronze sponsor on board in clinic + mention on website

$500 above+ silver sponsor on board in clinic + link on website

$1000 above + gold sponsor on board in clinic + link on website.



I'm truthfully only looking for the $500, as the plan is to have sponsor ready to cover other expenses. However, if I can get each client to just do $10 it will help both with media, and also with loosing where I'm at.



I'm tired of playing the clinic route where I'm making the clinic money and barely living off a wage. Now I don't say that thinking the boss is making tons, but she also did not factor in cost of room, use of room, and those numbers in her business plan. That isn't my fault. This time I want to step forward, by asking for help with the intent of keep the focus on our community here.



How does it sound? Only knowing me and my side of the issue?

Today I feel quite a bit better, but am still asking for positivity for my situation.



I crunched numbers for the past 7 hours.



I think I have good numbers to bring to investors.



However I really think I will do an indiegogo campaign to get my current clients involved in helping me with transition.



First however, I need a new sponsor. Now that I have a plan... it's just a person, funds and a place.



Who knows, someone may come across and change the entire plan.



But I feel good.

I think my mother is once again going to step up and help me with registration. Yes all of this happens right after 6 years of waiting for registration.



And that isn't cheap. It's actually several hundred beyond what I expected. But it is needed.



I'm putting my intent on finding someone who wants to expand and potentially make money by helping me get community acupuncture going. I need to clarify and look at spaces this next week. I'm filling out most of my paperwork for registration, so next week I have to notarize and then mail it all off. After that, I plan on really negotiating where I'm going and the last week- I plan on transitioning all my clients.



It should be smooth. And if it doesn't happen, I will visit clients in their homes or for the short term have them in mine. not at all ideal, but if I have to, I will. Still April 1st should be doable if I find someone, it's just a matter of finding them.



Next I have to get permanent residency done. I spend a few hours today talking to different lawyers, but I still don't have the key answer I need: how do I find out WHY I was denied. Hell, was it even submitted. Things broke down pretty well with my lawyer- so yes, I don't know if he truly submitted it as he very well may not have (I was behind on payments) and thus... well you see how this goes.



I'm tempted to do a kickstarter to help fund my community acupuncture as April 1st if I have a space then I can do it "my way" but I need chairs. 49.95 each and I need minimum of 4. I also need more lamps, and another table (I sold mine last summer).



This is why I was going to stay for another year. I needed that time for permanent residency and funds.



Anyone want to be a partial owner in a Community Acupuncture clinic?



Which puts my next bit, that I'll make public.

A part of me wants to be mean and lash out. However I simply can't be bothered.



I see people in similar positions everyday, and somehow they make it work.



I will say it is interesting. And now, this cycle ends I must start the next. I'll be a bit more excited after I have more information.

I'm asking for some serious positivity.



And hopes that this was the last step of past patterns.

Fired.



Officially, it's because I'm not pulling in enough profit. Yet my numbers are identical to the massage therapists.



In reality it is because the front desk person does not like me, and is in confidence of the owner. I don't know exactly what was said, but I do know she is purposefully (and has been) attempting to get rid of me.



It will be a brand new start. However. Right now. Breath.



Whatever direction I go, I have so serious debt to work on, and this change comes at the most inopportune moment possible.



Yet the heart palpitations and fear are very present right now.

It's animal house in my cam today!

I honestly don't think I'm feeling well today. I'm not sick, but I'm definitely acting in the manner that I am taking it easy. Some cleaning today, and I took two naps each at two hours, and I'm still tired.



Odd for me. Typically if I take one that is more than enough. Huh, well that would be why I think I'm "under". Not a big deal, today was a work from home day anyway so it's better to rest and get better than end up sick tomorrow when I have a full day.



Still I don't like fatigue like this. I honestly think if I went to bed now, I would sleep through the night. Here is to resting now for ideally more energy tomorrow!

And it's back! WOoooo Seems IPs can cause issue with them, and if it goes "off" to make certain they include yours. YAY to it being a simple FB message

Talking a lot about something that bothers you is a pretty good sign that you’ve got something huge and profoundly liberating to learn. ~Mike Dooley



This hit me pretty hard today. After all it has been over 2 years, it shouldn't be nearly this "real" still but I think this quote outlines why it is still real for me. Because It was a huge lesson in my friendship with Garry. One that still has an effect on me everyday.



Don't get me wrong, I don't go around crying or moping. But in my reflective moments I often ask, "why?". No other death I've experienced has left me at such a "loss". I can't even begin to explain. Still the liberation has partially happened, and there is still more... I feel it chipping away, not ready to be understood yet, but there.



It's going to be an interesting year, that is for certain. As I don't think I'll be coaching anymore. I need the break. I need to do things for me. And rowing, was a way I dealt with the bad in life and transformed it. Now, I don't need it for that, and frankly I want to work on my contribution. While I could do some of that with rowing, it no longer feels "right".

Well boo. Now I have pseudo US netflix at home. Seems the extension isn't working like it used to. OR it could be an IP issue as my Ip did change the night I lost Netflix (halfway through Alice mini series no less- guess she got lost in the rabbit hole).



Here is to hoping they can "hook me up again". If not, no biggie as I should be writing today. I have DVD's I can watch while working :)

OUCH. Did my 4k run this am only it ended up closer to 3k. The person I run with was sore from her 16k Sunday run and I was tired from 4 mile walk last night coupled with power yoga. Next time I need to remember FOOD before bed. Simply because this am, getting up at 5:45, there is no time to eat before run without getting sick... and now I'm all shaky like.



But best part? There was SUN at the end of our run instead of the dark... SPRING SOON! YAY :)

I think it's time to put a movie on and chillax. I have a half written blog post and full tummy. Yup nap time.

I have the best dogs: EVER.



Sorry but I do. Egon is curled in my lap. Winston is on the couch behind me (right next to my left shoulder). And they are patiently waiting for me to finish my emails/blogs for a little play time :) I love this!

That was hard. I know how shitty the previous situation with my landlord was (because he is a good friend) so I HATE HATE HATE when I don't have full rent for him right away. Yet he's so relaxed about it. It is very humbling, especially when you hear so much negativity. At the same point I am so very grateful, because I finally feel like I'm in the most ideal spot for me right now.



Self talk:

Ok be grateful, shake off the shame; because that is a social aspect that implies purposeful wrong doing. There is a working arrangement, communication is still going well. To harbour any more thoughts about this, in actuality will simply affect how I do other things. It is far better to go forward in gratitude than to make something supportive destructive.



There. You said it. Let it go, and shine.

I'm going to do this in bits and pieces. Why? Because it all has been compartmentalized for so many years. To the extent that honestly I didn't think it was a big deal, that I had dealt, and moved forward.



Some of these areas I may go back to, linger in and explore more of the emotion of them. Others, well it may not be as important to do. Funny thing is, a part of me has known this entire time. It is actually the reason I said no to Garry. See he had anger. One that you could taste if it came out, and I knew from others and his own telling that he could be, and was abusive in the end of his relationships. It was something he and talked about, that he wanted to move away from, was actively changing.



And perhaps it is the reason I loved him so much, because I saw that change start, and grow into someone who was not only going somewhere, but wanted to bring those who were willing to change with him. But that is a later part of this story/life.



This has to start with me. At age 11.



I think like any writing I need to outline first. I will expand as needed with each of these. I may also add on to the list. These are the only ones that stand out in my memory, and because they have been "filed away" they may not be exactly right, but the emotion behind them is very real.



Age 2 You make my mommy cry

Age 5 Bastard

Age 5 Cleaning of the room.

Age 5 David Boyfriend/David neighbour

Age 9 Private School

Age 11 Jon Boyfriend

Age 12 911

Age 13 High School/Working Child care/Hand Bruise/Drug use

Age14 Rowing/Vanessa and group

Age 16 Adjustments change

Age 17 New "group" change of social stature

Age 18 "victory lap"/ Chris

Age 19 University

Age 23 "Home"/Theatre/Wendy

Age 26 Loss & Grief/Training again/Things aren't as they should be

Age 29 Masters/creep

Age 32 It all falls down, but hey look I have a diploma

Age 33 Guilt/Rick, Marie

Age 35 Signs

Age 36 Canada

Age 37 Garry

Age 39 Loss

Age 40 Grief

Age 41 Waking up



There are so many details to add. But I needed something to look back to, to see where the story outline is. It will still go all over the place, because how I compartmentalize, certain things are attached to certain behaviours. It is probably why I can detach my emotions to the point of people not seeing the depth of them. It is something I don't trust most people with, and vulnerability in childhood equated being hurt. It is only now that I am understanding that it is essential to allow us to connect with each other.



Previously the only ones who truly connected with me, were the ones who saw mine behind the layers of distraction.

What a great night. The Foundation that has the fund we raised money for had free tickets to the local basketball team that were offered to all the fundraiser groups tonight. So myself and three friends (two other committee members) went. GREAT fun.



Then we went to the local bar. It was a hoot!



But the best part? The part that makes me giddy with excitement (and a wee bit jealous if I'm honest) is that Mike now has a girlfriend.



And she is perfect. I mean, she is a female version of Mike (in a good way) but different enough that I know she will keep him on his toes. But the best part? The absolute best part is she REALLY, REALLY likes him. Gushes about him. Game over. This is one of those matches that is just so right- nothing will get in the way of it, as they are already friends- but now... Heh :)



I can't help but tear up when I think about how absolutely happy Garry would have been. Truly. His best friend has a girl, and it's one that will treat him as well as he treats her. It's simply awesome.

If you want to encryption key, ask. I will be selective with who I grant it to.

One of the hardest things I'm seeing, and no it's not for the first time; is the impact abuse has had on so many of my choices. It is easy now for me to say, "ah!" but in truth it has made a right mess of many aspects of my life. The only way for me to move forward is to start from where it started.



Look out this is going to get bumpy. Hence why the encryption. Until I'm ready, I don't mind sharing with you, but not everyone.

I might go out tonight. I don't have any cash, but I did get a free ticket to the basketball game tonight, so I'm going. After, the bars are just around the corner. So, I think it will be a good night to do a little dancing before going home. After all it's been MONTHS since I've gone out.



Strangely, I don't miss it. I miss dancing, but not really the people.

is there no place that I can't escape from those feelings?

CRAP. Pet insurance would bee 79.00 a month for the two puppies. o.O



That is more than I paid for Holmes including what I paid for all of his unusual medical procedures (several burs removed at 100.00 each, over nightstays due to eating bad things, and having his eye removed which was 3,000+). Who the heck can afford that when on average I pay for a vet check once a year, heartworm check, and rabies and I'm under 300.00 for the year. With flea remedies etc, under 500; where with the insurance I'd be paying 948.00 per year. Uggg. I'm better off doing things as I've been doing, and just start working more regularly on savings.



Cripes, it's even more than my life insurance. Sheesh.

I have realized that so much of my journey has been about growth. However with international women's day being next weekend, I'm seeing a major pattern. Not one I'm quite ready to talk about but am looking at in a very serious manner.

I have a meeting that is pretty darn important today, but just got information that I had not had time to put 2x2 together and see one big fuck up.



*breath*



This too shall pass, and in one more aspect of repeating the past that I am getting out of. Slow progress, is progress just the same. It is important to remember that.

Someone crapped in the water. Seriously badly, why do I say that? Based off my own day (great at work then ick with personal calls, bill related) and the comments, journals here and on FB. Thank GAWD for two back to back hot yoga classes.



I'm gonna sleep like a baby.