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I don't know where to even begin...

my dad is still a dick, that didnt change
I have a new boyfriend, the old one cheated on me twice and other stuff happened and yeah... i left that relationship...

But thats the small stuff i guess..

Guys im drowning.
Like seriously...

I hate my job, im stuck in the rut in my life.
I disapoint my family
I'm now becoming an alchoholic to the point people don't like me, which is fucking great!
I think about death more then i did, i hate myself so much
I need help but i dont trust Doctors, i don't want those stupid happy pills, i know they wont work!
Im so depressed, thet my room is nothing but trash and a pile of cloths! I barwly do laundry, i stay in my room 99.99% of the time.
I rarely take showers or even brush my hair
Im so tired and done
Im breaking down
My bf and i got into an argument and he thinks i'm mad and i'm not but it wont come out that way!
Im at the end of my rope
Im close to the point i know i am it scares me
I dont want to hurt anyone even me but i am so done! I'm crying just yping this stupid thing.

I cant understand anymore, i just want the pain to go away. I want it to stop i just want to be happy again....
i dont want to be sad anymore.... but i cant stop it
I just.

I can't.