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My friends all seem to make very good points. I dont know what to do with half of my relationships with people. I guess Im just not a good people person.. I feel like Im falling back into my old self..



I feel like who ever I am, whatever I do, I cant please anyone. First I tried to please my parents. I then tried to please my friends, and myself emotionally. But then I displeased Rickie. And he left me last February. I am currently taking everything which I learned pleases and displeases people, and am trying to invent someone new. However, I feel like I am leaving myself out of the picture.



I got drunk again last night. And it made me think of everything I have been through. I told myself "I hate myself. I hate my life, and I want to die." I mearly told Rickie I wanted to hurt myself "badly". But I admit to being tempted to walk upstairs to my window, my screen already pulled out from three days ago (when Rickie didnt show up.) I wanted to jump. But I was too wasted to stand my ass up to go to the bathroom..



I fear maybe this internal conflict will never end. I am afraid if I deside to turn into who I want to be, people wont love me as much anymore.. My jealousy pisses Rickie off, so I am now afraid to tell him how I feel about things. Almost anything. My mother gets pissed off when I tell her how much I love Rickie, and she gets enthusiastic when we have issues. So that pisses me off. I feel like Im stuck. These two people who I adore and look up to are driving me crazy.



Well.. To get back to the norm.: I still adore Rickie. I worship our little family. I want to see him again. Today. But I feel like shit (hangover) and dont know if I can even outlast my school day.



I want to hug him and squeeze his face against my boobs... ._. *grins impishly*

COMMENTS

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DaughterOfAnu
20:45 Feb 24 2011

just be yourselh...you were always ok

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VampireGoddess666
06:23 Feb 28 2011

Mili, Just be yourself.



If your not you then you will never know who you once were and it will be hard to be you again. If you change who you really are.



An I understand what you are going through. I have been in your situation before...(like you are going through with Rickie and your mom).



Just worry about you and Keira. An just be you not anyone or anything else.



Hope you feel better soon. I am here for you if you need me.

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God damn, I'm so glad Valentine's day is over. I'm so sick of looking at balloons and roses. I swear, if this school had anymore helium we'd be up in the clouds by now. I should've been happy yesterday. I have a boyfriend this year. No, BETTER. I have a fiance this year!!.. But it didnt feel very special.. Instead I got to spend 30 minutes at the mall with him, then leave early because my mom was tired and bitchy. She bitched all the way home. The whole 45 minutes. None of my friends called or texted, except for one of my exs. He mainly gloated about how much his girlfriend loved the roses he gave her, and that they were in love. then he stopped texting. (The asshole.) The only good thing that happened yesterday was seeing Rickie, and getting drunk before bed.

I wish I was happy about Valentine's Day coming up. But Rickie is still going to be homeless, unless he could have one of our friends stay with them. She has not given a solid answer yet, and it is wearing on my nerves. I hope he talks to her today.



I love him with my whole heart, and I wish I could give him a wonderful gift this year. I already got him something, but I'm not sure how good it is. I spent 95$ on it, yet does cost even matter?.. I'm so nervous, I almost lost it twice, and I dropped it numerous amounts of times. I'm still thinking of what Im going to say to him.



I dont expect, nor do I want anything extravigant. I suppose in the end, I just want to know he is sheltered, fed, clothed, and can still be close by. I dont want to be able to not make contact, and I want him to be able to see our daughter.



(If you can read this, please let me know what you think is going on Love.)



I love you Rickie. Always have, always will.

Happy Valentine's Day, guys.



~Emilia (Keira's clapping now)

Life is hell today. I would like to know why I've had these splitting headaches. About two weeks ago, I started getting these headaches that would make the roof of my mouth pulse, my neck ache, and increase my sensitivity to light and sound. Neither laying down or pain medicine helps, and I'm getting sick of them. Is this stress?..



Drinking doesnt seem to help. I've been drunk 3 or 5 times in the past month, and they just seem to make my stomach hurt and wears me out.



Rickie will be homeless on Valentine's Day.. My hopes for a better one this year (aside from last year) are pretty much dead. I can't enjoy my day knowing he's on the streets.



This fucking sucks. I don't know what to do. I'd ask for help, but I just remembered that no one reads my entries..

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VampireGoddess666
19:41 Feb 18 2011

I read your entries Mili.



I enjoy reading them because then I know what is going on with you and can relate in someway of what your going through. Because I have been there before. I really do hope things go better for you and even though I am not too happy with Rickie for some things he has done. I do agree with you that I would not want him homeless either and hope he get a home soon and is safe.



I hope your daughter is doing great. By what you have been saying about her. Sounds like she is doing great. I would love to see more pictures of her and on how she has been growing.?



Miss you and I have a feeling things will get much better.

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Computers class is now my favorite period. I love being able to get on and read journals, rate, and chat. But any way..



Life seems to be moving at a snails pace, however not slow enough. Rickie has a job now, but I'm still worried whether or not he will have a place to stay in the next week and a half. I would try housing him during the night, but we both agreed that wouldnt be such a good idea.. Im freaking out. I want to help desperatly.



On the lighter side today, I'm going to see Rickie today. I'm buying us lunch at the mall. Its sad I'll have to leave him so soon though. I enjoy every moment I can be with him, but I feel like theres never enough time in the day.



I'm sure for most people 24 hrs is enough for one day, God. But could you add maybe two or three more? I'll behave. Pleeease?? (I'll atleast try.)