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Never before have I been in this much physical agony.. This body is no longer mine. It feels as if its only a shell for the daughter I carry within.. She grows stronger, while I grow weaker. I no longer go outdoors anymore.. My medicine makes me miserable, though I have no choice but to suck it up and take it. It leaves me feeling as if I've run a thousand miles with no rest: my joints ach, I'm short of breath and light headed.. Shivering, but boiling and sweating.. It relieves me to know its almost over, and that shes alive and well.. I wish I could the same for my first child..



But life moves on.. The pain will never fully subside, but I need to focus on my present and my future.. The daughter I have now, and what I have to do to make her life comfortable and happy...



I pray her father will be released this Tuesday.. Its so hard trying to get through this emotionally on my own.. I could imagine he cares, and would want to be here with all his heart.. But its incredibly difficult to believe so, unless I can hold him here and have him tell me so in person.. I still lay awake past midnight, wondering if he's alright.. and if hes thinking of me too, or atleast thought of me today.. Some nights, I do cry thinking that maybe this isnt true.. that theres obviously a reason that he's been locked away for so long.. and that there is more he's never told me and lies he's never mensioned... I hold tightly to our child and try to imagine this as a nightmare, and that I will wake up soon enough...



Come Tuesday, I'll be either sadly dissapointed or overjoyed.. I hope that they let him go, and I hope he is still willing to change. Just as I had changed for him.. I feel like a weaker person at the moment.. and all I want is love and support... Its as simple as that...

I'm now attending summer school. Its hot, and tiresome, but I have to go because of a failed semester of general biology.. I like the class and all, I just hate the homework..



Finally eight months pregnant. I hope I can hold out until my three weeks of school are over.. Rickie hasnt been released yet. Its very hard without him here. I could talk to him about anything, everything, or nothing at all.. And I couldnt help but think I heard his voice in my dreams last night.



I spent most of the day today thinking of those summer nights when I left the latter out in the backyard, and snuck him into my bedroom from the window. I also thought of a couple nights in preticular in which we said and did things we've never said or done before.. Like the night (I'm assuming) that I concieved Keira, and the last night we spent together in my front yard in the driveway.. Its was very nice..



After we made love again, he pulled out a blanket from his backpack and we wrapped ourselves in it. My feet were freezing, and I was in a tank top and shorts but I didnt mind much. At that moment, he started talking about how much he had taken for granted, and how much he loved me.. It seemed to be a side I havent seen before.. I wish I could have that night back, just to enjoy it all over again. It makes me cry, because I hadnt felt love like that in my whole life..



I'd be forever greatful, just to be able to lay in his arms and watch the stars again, like that cold night in November...