The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

It's crazy how you don't realize the true emotions you have for someone till they're gone..it's always the last time.......



The last time you smile at eachother,

The last time you touch,

The last time you hug,

The last time you have a conversation,



The last time your eyes fall upon their image that ever has any impact on your heart.



I always wondered why people who weren't even close with someone who had died, cried. I guess part of it is the fact that the option for you to even choose to get to know that person is stripped away from you at that point. So yes,



It is always the last time.......

I just can't stop thinking about the funeral. The whole time I spent worried about my "mother" and never really stopped to think about the death. Funny how seperate the brain and heart function. I was ok up until the end of mass and they wheeled him down the aisle while the organ played the choir sang.



As I stepped out of the pew and realized the strength of his absence, a tidal wave of sadness crushed and pulled me in a riptide of tears. At that moment guilt plagued my conscience. Guilt for not pondering the loss from the beginning. Guilt for dismissing any sense of grief. Guilt for not checking in on him from time to time. And even Guilt for crying. I felt as though the family would think "what the fuck is she crying for? She hasn't seen him in over 10 years."



During the mass I couldn't help thinking of my memories of him. Yes he had a horrible temper, yes he had drama with my stepfather and "mom", but he was always nice to me. I spent a lot of my childhood at his house. I was there practically every weekend. Running thru the house, playing basketball in the driveway, bbqn all the time......



He was always good to me.

COMMENTS

-

---

Lolita
08:53 Sep 21 2009

hugs

---

POST COMMENT

Take notes, this will be confusing!



So I'ts about 9pm and my phone rings, it's my stepmother. I answer fearing my father is Ill again. Turns out my aunts father died. 45 seconds into the conversation my dad is calling on the other line. Now folks these people live in the same house! What are the odds they will both be in the same house calling me at the same time about the same thing completely unaware the other is calling me. Made me chuckle.



However, back to somber details.



So, my aunts father died, in that sense no relation or effect on me right? Wait for it......my aunt is married to my uncle which is my dads brother. Now once upon a time my parents were married and when my younger cousin waS born my "mom" and my aunts brother were picked as godparents. Yadda yadda yadda my aunts brother is now my stepfather and had my half bro n Sis with my "mom".



With me so far??



Bottomline the person who died is kind of my grandfather. So, I have to go to the funeral and so does my "mom". Now if you wonder why I use quotation marks around the word mom is because yes this woman popped me out her vag, and yes she signed my birth certificate, but by no means is she my "mother" nor deserve the right to be. As a teenager I learned to think for myself and refused to share in her same religion so was kicked out onto the streets, disowned and as was told to my little brother and sister became a "devil worshipper".



Now for the record I would have to believe in a god in order to believe in a devil enough to worship him right??? However that did not stop her from brainwashing them to believe I was the enemy. I have not seen my little brother and sister since. I am not allowed and in the words of my "mom"; "if you come near any of us or try to contact us I will call the police"!



A bit extreme? I think so. But apparently what I think much less how I feel is of no importance to her and her new cute Lil family.



So hence the bad news is having to look at her malitious carcass just to see her portray false emotional distress at this sad passing (she hated him and the entire family).



On an upnote hopefully my brother and sister will be there and I can finally see how puberty has treated them.



What's odd about the whole situation is that for the past 2 months he has been sick I was hoping he wouldn't die not just for his family but so that I wouldn't have to deal with the awkward situation I'm in now. Also, I just saw my sister on yahoo msngr and managed to obtain her cell phone number. Then earlier today I was just thinking to myself I should call my cousin to see how her grandfather was doing and how I hoped he was better.



Funny how these things work.

It doesn't sing of nightmares, it doesn't sing for freedom,

its not singing, it's crying.

It disguises it's cries for song because it doesn't want to be pitied.

It's not a crybaby

it has a good life, it has a pretty cage, plenty of toys, good birdseed, a cute Lil perch...and every now n then her cousins come to the window n wave hi.

It has a good life,

but every once in awhile, every once in awhile, she thinks of early worms and a beak full of dirt, every once in awhile it thinks of watching a sunrise from a beautiful old oak tree, every once in awhile it thinks of flying south in a flock...

The caged bird doesn't sing,

it cries.

It's funny how when relationships ((friends & lovers)) go wrong you try forever to prove to yourself that one person isn't worth the pain or aggravation, and they mean nothing just forget them. But what we don't realize is we are trying to convince ourselves because that one person did matter. It's only human to want to love and be loved in return, however getting that love and loyalty reciprocated is the hard part. They say REAL LOVE is selfless and unconditional. But how can you love someone and be there for them when their mission in life is but to hurt you and blame you?

It's funny how one person can so deeply impact your life, Alter your way of thinking, of loving....

Fear is also human.

So how do you know when to strap one feeling down and let the other take control.

Indecisiveness is also human.

It's funny how every human emotion we have clashes with eachother. Anger-happiness fear-strength hatred-love

and each one battles over one person.

Or in my case a lot of people..........

COMMENTS

-

---

Vidiana
23:21 Sep 14 2009

Very true, and deep. I have found through the years that emotions can at times be hard to categorize, or put a name to. But putting a name to something makes it easier to deal with. That is why certain feelings can only be called by the person's name who makes you feel that way. This is a good exercise to put to use, it may help you when riding through emotional roller coasters.

---

POST COMMENT