The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Q. Why do horny women order at Subway?

A. Footlongs



Q. What do you do in case of fallout?

A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes



Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A. A rumor



Q. Why do you never see chicken in underwear?

A. Because their peckers are on their face.



Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.



Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know

anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?”



“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the

prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the

prisoner in the prison.



And then they made love for the first time.



Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.



Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”



Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.”



After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him

a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”



The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently

born foal.



Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.



She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”



Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence,

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.



On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.



He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.



She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”



“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.



She said, “I sell tampons.”



With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.



She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”



“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made. For several days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother. “So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy’s tummy.”



“That’s right, honey” her mother said.



“But how does the sperm get there?” she asked. “Does Mommy swallow it?”



“If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does,” came the reply

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.



On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”



“What?” said the puzzled groom.



“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”



“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.



Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.



Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.



Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.



Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.



Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.



Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.



Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.



Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.



Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”



“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”



“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.



The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, “These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ‘From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’

A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.



The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.



The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”



A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -”Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.



In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.



The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”



The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.



After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”



The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.



After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’”



The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable?’”



The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow.”

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.



As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969.”



The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”

Gardening is said to be one of the best exercises for maintaining healthy bones.





The best time for a person to buy shoes is in the afternoon. This is because the foot tends to swell a bit around this time.



Americans did not commonly use forks until after the Civil War





Garlic, a traditional vampire repellent, has been used as a form of protection for over 2,000 years. The ancient Egyptians believed garlic was a gift from God. In several cultures, brides carried garlic under their clothes for protection, and cloves of garlic were used to protect people from a wide range of illnesses. Modern-day scientists found that the oil in garlic, allicin, is a highly effective antibiotic





The Japanese liquor, Mam, uses venomous snakes as one of its main ingredients



The average office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet.





Originally, Nintendo was a playing card manufacturer.



One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately one million gallons of fresh water.





Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE) or Mad Cow Disease cannot be killed in meat by cooking. The interval between the virus getting into the body and the final illness is about one to two years in small animals to an estimated five to 30 years in humans

Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are.

Julius Charles Hare



Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.

E. B. White



The supernatural is the natural not yet understood.

Elbert Hubbard



If you have a particular faith or religion, that is good. But you can survive without it

Dalai Lama