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Boys & Religion - there is a light
02:12 Sep 09 2009
Times Read: 532

so if you have read my journals, you know my currently ensuing boy drama.



today i wrote him a note telling him that i'm going to keep my distance from him and asked him to stop flirting with me.



it broke my heart to tell him this but i know its for the best. i shed a few tears today, but im okay now. we're still gonna be friends, just not like we used to be.



but life is looking up. there is a very tiny, small, glimmering ray of hope at the end of this tunnel. i will survive.



i have recently become interested in the Baha'i faith and this is my light at the end of the tunnel. This religion fits very closely to my own personal held beliefs and I am seriously considering converting.



However, i don't think i will tell my parents because my mom is super christian, and even though Baha'i is very similar to christianity, I do not think she would take kindly to it.



But it has given my hope and it has given me courage to press through the darkness.



I still have many personal issues to work through, as I told that boy today in my note. I have to learn to love myself and be happy single. I have to get myself in order before I can ever expect to have a romantic relationship with anybody.



but anyways....that is my update.

how many times will you break my heart
15:08 Sep 05 2009
Times Read: 543


before i stop loving you?



its a question i have kept asking myself over the past 2 weeks.



the guy that i like, the one i mentioned in my other journal post, is such a flirt.



and he says he doesnt like me, but thats not how he acts.



last night, we fooled around and it tore me apart. theres no love in it.



and now he says he doesnt want to be "friends with benefits" just friends, but i cant go back to just friends - not when he keeps screwing around with my emotions like he is.



we dated for almost 2 weeks and i got attached. and i think i may love him - i know i like him a lot. but he doesnt want me. he doesnt want a relationship and i dont understand why.



it breaks me heart. last night i cried so much. i feel like there must be something wrong with me because he doesnt want me. i feel like i ruined everything.



and last night, for the first time in at least a year probably, i cut myself. i know it wouldnt do anything. i knew it wouldnt help - but i did it anyway.



i feel like something in me is going to snap if i keep going on like this.



i wish i could hate him, or at least stop liking him, but i can't. for some reason, my heart won't let me. i keep getting hurt by him and then i come crawling back.



i'm torturing myself.



i just want him to love me so much. its killing me. and i hate admitting it, but i need help. i dont know what to do with myself. i've been hurt so many times before, but this time, i'm dying.



i've only ever wanted to be loved.

is that so much to ask?

about the bloody pictures on my profile
02:44 Sep 03 2009
Times Read: 550

i just thought i would explain the significance of the bloody pictures of people mutilating themselves on my profile.



i have these pictures because the express my love for pain. i am in BDSM, though not heavily into the lifestyle, i am a submissive.



i like pain. i like to be controlled. its just my thing.



thats the significance of those pictures. the express my love of pain and of blood and of being submissive.



JUST BECAUSE IM INTO PAIN AND BDSM DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN HIT ON ME OR ACT CREEPY. DONT HIT ON ME. DONT BOTHER ME IF YOU HAVE NASTY INTENTIONS



im just stating a fact. not asking for invitations.

piercings i hope to one day have
02:27 Sep 03 2009
Times Read: 551


i LOVE piercings




knuckle piercings, both hands




hip piercing, both hips




belly button piercing




nose piercing




guages




possible lip piercings, either single or snake bites, not sure they would look good on me

this chase i have been talking about..
02:34 Sep 02 2009
Times Read: 552

so i included that post about geminis because 1.) i am a gemini and 2.) i have increasingly noticed some or the negative qualities of gemini appearing in me.



basically, i just want to use this as an excuse to talk about a boy.



a boy who i like. we dated for about a week before he decided he just liked me as a friend - but there was a problem, i still like him.



so i spent some time pursuing him, like a gemini would, and i finally got him to admit his physical attraction to me, essentially, "ending the chase."



and i started getting bored, like a gemini would. feeling sad because i had no one to pursue - but this was odd to me because this is one gemini trait that i don't normally exhibit.



i don't know what im talking about here. today, my "love" for him has been revived. i just want to tell some one, anyone about him.



he is wonderful to me.



and i am happy, because even though we are not dating, we are still friends, and we still flirt - so its almost like a relationship but not really.



in my head i still think of him as my boyfriend - but sh! dont tell him that or he might get scared away. though i doubt he would because ive already dont some pretty "scary" stuff.



anyways. that was my ramble about the boy i like.