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Finally, I found a way to describe how I feel. It is like drowning. I get knocked down and pulled under. I kick and fight but I am no match for the current. Then I find a place to grab my footing and someone or something comes along and once again I am pulled under. My eyes burn and sting. My lungs burn and hurt; how much longer can I continue to hold on down here. Then I am slowly able to get get my footing again. For a while thing go smoothly and I think that everything is starting to change for the better. But, I am lurking, searching, looking for the next obstacle. I know it will come but hope I am prepared better next. Because it isn't like you'll try to help me once you have me in that position. You just help me continue to stay down unedr the water. Actually, no, it's more like you pull me up then push me down. I guess to see how much I can take. But, how will you feel when I can't take it and I become the weight of wrong that you have to carry around? How will you free yourself then? Who will you turn to then? Will they be there for you the way I have been? Will they allow you back in? Will still feel the same?

Another cold day inside and outside.

The sun is shinning but it doesn't stand a chance of penetrating this cold inside.

My thoughts won't stop, they are constant.

You're all I think about. Everywhere I turn something I see brings you right back into the front of mind. I am trying to be strong but the not knowing is doing what it always does best. Causing me to think the worst and expect that also. I wish I knew what soon meant to you; because eveyones definition of it is different. I want to remain neutral but that is hard too. I mean how do just turn your feelings of or turn them into something else? Maybe someone out there knows and can help me. The joy is gone as well as you. It was the small things. I don't want to assume anything but I know what my heart feels and I have never been wrong before. You may say I am but all I ask is prove to me I am. Well, I guess I be able to hold on a while longer while awaiting your answer.

My daughter has a lot going on to be only 8 and every day is a struggle some worse than others. We are in the process of hopefully getting it all to a point where it can all be controlled on some level. Even with all she has been through and is still going through she is my world and I love her more than anything. I am so proud of her. And today she brought her report card home and she has all A's. Wow, I am so proud of her. Other than her rushing through her work and therefore it not being neat everything is great except the behavior but the teacher is awesome and very understanding. She thinks Dakota is just amazing and is doing all she can to help her continue to grow during this time. And Her day treatment counselor is AWESOME! and is always with Dakota and there for us oustside of school whenever we need her. I am just happy for Dakota and want to see her at apoint where she is emotionally health and can't wait to the growth that takes place when that happens.

The day is dark as night

The rain is pouring and piercing my ice cold skin.

Alone and vulnerable I stand

Attempting one again to change someone mind.

Hoping that maybe this once the feeling behind my words will hit them like a ton of bricks.

Wanting them to feel what I am saying

And to have it really mean something to them.

But as the the rain continues to fall

My ice cold skin begins to crack with no shelter or protection the cracks begin to bleed. The puddle that once was at my feet has now become a mirror and my feelings, word, thoughts and love are flung back at me. As if darts in a blow gun. As I stand and stare like a child paralyzed by fear, they hit with a force unimagingable. And I begin to cry it hurts, it cuts to the core and for what? The possibility of love. That elusive dream I continue to chase.

Okay I have a question to ask and hope I will get feed back. There are many ways to communicate, TALK. The phone, text messages, instant messaging. video calls, letters etc. Just recently I had a discussion with someone who say that if you send someone a message here, email etc. that it doesn't mean you are talking to them. I don't understand how they can say that nor believe it but maybe I am wrong. Does anyone have any feed back. Is it talking or not?

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leapdude
17:42 Oct 28 2011

i think it is talking, as long as they know you leave messages for them here. it's the same as any other email system. they just have to remember to check it once in a while.



if they don't come here often, then this is probably not the best place to leave messages for them.



don't forget the most important way of communicating, by 'listening' :) :)

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Well, I won't be writing anything specific today. My mind is racing in too many directions to focus and just touch on one subject. Seems almost no minute of my life is boring. Like yesterday I got a phone call from my daughters school saying she was in the clinic and that she was complaing that her gun was hurting and that you could see that there was an infection. Last Friday she was just at the dentist for cleaning, fluoride treatment, and got a filling. So why didn't they see it??? Well they said no further treatment was needed. So I took her to the doctor and they gave her an antibiotic but, they also think she may have diabetes. I am just worried and scare for her. She has enough going on right now without all of this.

My night is running into my day. My night ended with a hurt that I can't even begin to put into words. I thought that I had grabbed control over it and closed the lid tight but, it seems it is still boiling and stewing and has begaun to bubble over into today. What started as a friendship had grown into something more only to be turned back into what it started out as. It may only be a picture that is now on a profile, not even you, but it used to bring a smile to my face to know that my friend was on line and I had someone to talk to. Now when I look at it my heart becomes heavy and starts to hurt. Hopefully the day will soon come when my heart will accept what my mind already knows. You will always be my friend and will always care for you as I did and still do. I just hope you will be patient as I try to heal my heart and move beyond the hurt because I don't want to lose your friendship.

How can you say that there isn't anything wrong with me when I ask? There has to be something otherwise you or someone would be with me. Right? I sit and cry cyanide tears. They leave gorges behind as they flows freely from my eyes. They burn and sting my eyes. You would think that that pain would be enough. But no, the pain in my heart is worse. It strated a fire that began to rage out of control and one is around to put it out. So it continued to burn and then grabbed hold of my airway strangeling it until it was hard to breathe. Then it began to tears at the seams of my old tattered, beaten and weathered heart. I can see it lying in your calloused hands begging for soothing comfort that doesn't come. it's pulsing beats are deafening and the shrill screams coming from it don't subside. The blaze has totally consumed it but the hurt and heartache that should have been anihalted are still there. I walk through the smoldering ashes and pick up my fragile heart I wonder if it's even worth putting it back this time. Tired of going through this. Don't think I can take any more. Well, for a while I will just lock it away in box stored away harm. Maybe there will come a time when someone will find the key and be able to open the lock. If not at least it will be safe.

So you see to say there is nothing wrong with me, I believe to be false. Because otherwise there would be no need for this entry because it would already be safe and secure.

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WhisperingWolf
04:11 Oct 28 2011

there's nothing wrong with you dear. It's the world who has something wrong with it.

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My eyes are burning as I silently sit and tears I cry. My heart is hurting and about to burst. My feelings are running deep. Can someone please tell me what it is that is wrong with me?? Why can't I find the one person who will love and adore me?? Put me first, treasure and cherish me??? Am I that bad of a person?? I mean when you have given someone all you have and all you are what else do you do?? I thought that it is what I was supposed to do. Love you, protect you, care for you, please you, cherish you, keep you safe. Well, I guess I was wrong, I did try. I did the very best that I could. I gave you my heart, and everything else that goes with it. You used it, and twisted it into your own distorted creation. Yours lies have severed the stitches that I had hand sewn over previous tears and rips in the fragile heart I placed in yours hands. I honestly never thought I would be in this place again. I never thought you would be one to play this evil game.

In closing here you go:



I gave you my friendship

With no questions asked.

I gave you my time

without any charge.

I gave you my haert

Honest and true.

I gave you my soul

In hopes of growing old with you.

I gave you my words

To comfort and soothe.



So, why do I get

lies, betrayal,

Anger and hurt.

Pain and pressure

Are now constant.

You may hurt me

And bring tears to my eyes

But mine is a soul that

Will continue to fight on.

You may knock me down

But, I promise you that

I will get back up,

Dust myself off and continue.

Why does it always seem that when others need me I am here for them no matter what. Yet, when I need someone even just to liseten no one is in sight. Everything becomes dark????

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vladstick
19:44 Oct 24 2011

Hey!.....I'm here. Start talkin' I'll listen as long as your over 20 yrs old.



ciao,

vladstick

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You know I am always amazed at people when it comes to this subject. I am not the most outgoing person and I know I don't always catch on to things as quickly as some hell most of the time I have no clue what to say at all. I do however value those that call me friend and the ones whom I choose to call friend. With that being said, why is it that people say oh you are great friend, one of my favorite people, etc. but they never seem to be the one to reach out to you. Many days, weeks, months even years could pass; you are right there in front of their face and if you don't say Hello or something first then there is no conversation or friendship. Why??? Why do I have to be the one to say something before you will talk to me? If, I am a friend like you say, then please tell me why you won't speak to me unless I initiate the conversation? Seems pretty onesided from where I sit.

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WhisperingWolf
04:15 Oct 28 2011

I hate when I have to send the first message all the time. I sit online nad see people who are supposed to be friends online, but yet they don't speak to me.

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Loki1313
16:48 Nov 02 2011

I am your friend my dear. And I plan to stay your friend until you tell me to leave.

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You know there was a time not so long ago when "love" was a word that I hated most. All of the abuse, judgement, torment, torture, pain etc. had caused me to hate that word and everything that it stood for and was associated with. I had started building my wall as a child and in my teen's it became my fortress the one place where I knew I was safe. As an adult I learned that I still needed it and so I continued construction. One evening, sitting on a hill surrounded by my fortress I found myself thinking, and I am not sure about you but, it can a dangerous thing for me to do. While, sitting and thinking, with the night wind gently blowing my copper hair, I began to wonder if one day I would ever venture outside my wall again, would I ever allow someone to enter through my doors again.....

So some moons later I decide to be brave. I decide that I would take a chance and start to let people in once again because I felt that I had come to a place where I was comfortable. I would also be in control because only I could let you in.

So I rolled out my welcome mat and let a few people enter my newly constructed and cleaned up world. A I figured there were a few who I allowed to take advantage of me again. And then there were the ones who were still stronger than I and took advantage against my will. They know who they are, that is if they have half a brain and a conscience. There are however a very select few who have not let me down. They have willingly taken my hand and walked with me. I will never be able to repay them, at least not in my mind anyway. While, I have said Thank You somehow it doesn't seem like enough to me. And then when I thought because of the things done to me, that All men were creeps and useless pieces of garbage. I came across one who totally goes against all of that. And makes me walk out into the night wind again and sit upon my hill rethinking everything. He has been a friend with whom I can share any and everything, andhas been a perfect gentelman. I will never be able to express my gratitude to him for all he has done. While it is not nearly enough, I want to tkae this moment to say Thank You! Thank You for being there for me and for proving me wrong. You know who are and I hope you know that I love You!

It seems some people think I have a flashing neon sing on my head that says stupid. Well, think again. I don't. You may think you can lie to me and deceive me but I will always find the truth. When will you learn that I can read you, even better than you can? I guess you think it is funny to take someone who is already beaten, battered, tattered and torn and use them in the same way everyone else has? Well, don't you know that everything eventually leads back to one? Words are just that words, filled with empyt and useless meaning. You would think someone in your shoes would understand but maybe all that was ever said were lies as well? Time will tell, the truth always comes out. So honey take off that mask because I already see the real you and there isn't any use in trying to go on pretending.

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CelticWhispers
18:03 Oct 13 2011

Oh dear god, did you step into my life with that entry. You forgot only one thing, the sign that says *kick me, I'm already down and hurting". Why is it that they can't or won't believe they will ever get caught?

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Okay, I am not trying to ruffle anyones feathers. Just have been thinking a lot here recently.



I DO NOT currently attend curch but as a child and into my teens I did. I also have been exposed to several different belief systems. As a result of that I have developed questions.

The first of which is:

We are told that we are not suppoed to question God or wonder. If that is the case then why "create" me with a mind and the ability to do that.

Second:

Most say that God doesn't change he is the same today, tomorrow, forever and that the Bible is true and without error. They also say that they do not believe in speaking in tongues. Well, in the Bible I had and read in the book of acts on The Day of Pentacost he gave people that exact ability. So, if he can't do it today that means he changes and the Bible is not true and is with error and no different from any other story book on my book shelf.

Then they say that incest is wrong, an abomination and you will burn in Hell for it. Then why did God destroy all except for Noah, his wife, children, and two of every creature. For the world to be repopulated didn't incest have to happen??

There are more questions I have but that will give all something to laugh at, contimplate etc.

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Gordonx
20:10 Oct 10 2011

Today's "version" of the Church is soo backwards. Humans-Early Christians "started" the religion... When? I do not know.



What about the animal sacrifices in the bible? Those christians stoped doing it, because they were just to lazy to continue with them. And it was NOT A "building" that they used to do the animal sacrifices... they used a Altar.



It IS and ALWAYS has been a "personal experience" with God, the situation wasn't ment to be a religion.



Yeah... God is always the same.



The two greatest commandments in the bible? 1: Love God with all your heart and soul. 2: Love thy neighbour as yourself.



In the early years of life, it was about "Sex" and "Drugs" and "Enjoyment." In those days... People just needed to ask and if there was permission! "Drugs" being the drinking of the wine. The enjoyment was about "living."

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LegionofGabriel
00:43 Oct 11 2011

They don't want you to question because if you did, then you would see just how much nonsense it sounds in the end and IS. Christianity is not the only religon in the world or the only accepted belief system on the planet. It's just the "popular" one.

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Was wondering if anyone has ever sat in front of a mirror and stared at themselves while trying to write a poem, essay, paper, etc. about yourself? It is an interesting task to say the least and one that I did not find fun nor easy. Think about it.. Almost everyone looks in the mirror at some point during the day. But, do we ever really look at ourselves?? I think not. What we look at is the superficial. But to really look at yourself in that mirror; inside and out can be a true learning experience that will cause a multitude of emotions. I challenge you to try it sometime. You may learn things about yourself that you never knew