The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front

door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she

wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"



The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:

"Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models"



The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk

onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss

ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."



"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn

ttthe ssun oooff abbitch offffff?"

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car

videos around the country...



#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."



#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."



#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."



#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."



#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"



#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"



#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."



#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"



#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."



#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."



#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."



#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"



#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC."



#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."



And ... THE BEST ONE!



#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't - Sign here."

Little Ramy was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather

curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out'

from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.



One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Ramy, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and

her boyfriend.



This he did. The following morning, RAMY described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while,

then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.



He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have

trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too,

because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.



His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.



Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway

he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.



When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!



Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it

over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.



Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.



After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were

hanging out.



Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up

and started to fight again.



I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was

dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, yet you can see right through them.



2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons

are pushed.



3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.



4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.



5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.



6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.



7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.



8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.



9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.



10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."

"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE...........



THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"



THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.

WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."



"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."



THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED

THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.



HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.



THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.



"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.



"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.



"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."



"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.



"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.



"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE. "HELL, AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"



"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN

Good : Your wife is pregnant.

Bad : It's triplets.

Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.





Good : Your wife's not talking to you

Bad : She wants a divorce.

Ugly : She's a lawyer.





Good : Your son is finally maturing.

Bad : He's involved with the women next door.

Ugly : So are you.





Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly : You're in them.





Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.





Good : Your husband understands fashion.

Bad : He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly : He looks better than you.





Good : You just gave "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.

Bad : She keeps interrupting.

Ugly : With corrections





Good : Your son is dating someone new.

Bad : It's another man.

Ugly : He's your best friend.





Good : Your daughter got a new job.

Bad : As a hooker.

Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.

Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.



9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.



8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.



7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.



6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.



5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.



4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.



3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.



2) Less guilt the morning after.



1) You can do the whole neighborhood.

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in

and comes to the door.



"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your

pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"



You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied."



Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from

Texas A&M, I know all about it."



"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.



He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets

full of milk.



The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same

young man drove up.



"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some

honeysuckle

in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"



"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.



Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer

agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to

his car with two buckets full of honey.



The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.



"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some

pussy willow down by the creek."

The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you

IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

In a semi-rural area a new neighbor called the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on the road. The reason: "Too many deer were being hit by cars" and he "didn't want them to cross there anymore."



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IN FOOD SERVICE:

A young woman went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "Minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, and explained that they only had Iceberg.



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AT THE AIRPORT:

A woman was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which she replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? The employee smiled and nodded knowingly as he said, "That's why we ask."



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ON THE STREETS:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. Two coworkers were crossing the street when one asked the other if he knew what the buzzer was for. "Yes" he said, "It signals blind people when the light is green." Appalled, his friend responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"



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AT WORK:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and faithful coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," a manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken, as everyone just looked at each other with a deer-in-the-headlights stare.



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IN THE OFFICE:

Imagine the individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her computer system would not turn on.



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AT THE DEALERSHIP:

A couple arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car and were told the keys had been locked in it. They went to the service department where they found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As they watched from the passenger side, the husband instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," he announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which the technician replied, "I know - I already got that side."



They walk among us.... AND REPRODUCE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be

confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes

of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in

high-powered vacuum cleaners"

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!"

and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and

pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at

least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of

horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure

from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned

good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

I don't know who wrote this, but he tells it quite visually and it's sure worth a laugh or two...



ATTACK SQUIRREL





I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.



I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.



It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.





I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!





Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.





His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...





He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.





Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of

activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!





Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...



I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.





It really should have.





The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.



This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved.

Not improved at all.





His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.





Torque.





This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.





The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.





Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.





The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.





This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.





About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.





As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out(since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.





Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.



Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of.





Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.





Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.





I heard screams.





They weren't mine...



I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have.





Really... Except for two things.



First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.





That was one thing. The other?





Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and

upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car but it was all his.



I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.