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I woke up this morning, thinking it was yesterday.

My head was hurting and I thought instantly of you.

I use to wake up with your hangovers, and knew you'd been drinking the night before. I was 16, and you were 17. And you were my world. I've never loved anyone as much, before or since. That sorta hurts. At 16 no one knows what real love is, but I did. I still remember mostly every thing you said to me, and the way you kissed my forehead, when we couldn't kiss each other's lips. Holding you was a brick wall. I couldn't get close enough. We were each other. To be beside you wasn't enough. I wanted to be inside you and you inside of me (not like in a sexual way).... We were suppose to be one body, one mind.



But all that changed the summer after you graduated. I love you still. Part of me always will. I still miss you like crazy. I don't want to run away with you. You've done enough running for the both of us. Running from me, from your past, from the things you did that you are not proud of. Would you look at me today and see that I've changed? I'm not the little girl you fell so deeply in love with. I'm a young woman. When we saw each other for the last time, you said that "you haven't changed a bit". But that isn't true. I was broken and scared, and you did the very thing I feared you'd do. You threw me away. I wanted to be the constant in your life, so that we could change together. So that you'd know that no matter what changed, and how broken you'd become, I'd always be there for you, that you'd never be alone in this world. I don't know what I did to make you hate me so much. These aren't the rantings of a delusional stalker or obsessed fan. I honestly don't know. Maybe you couldn't handle how understanding I was. How much I knew you needed your space, but knew when to leave you alone. I always knew where your shoes were, where those pants you wanted to wear, were hiding, where you hid your keys, and what towel you loved. I remembered all the touches you liked. I tried to be the girl you use to know, and I failed miserably. When I called you and you said you're wife was in the kitchen, cooking dinner, I nearly died (this was before I came to see you). Part of me did die. I couldn't believe that you'd married her. You tried not to, but you compared me and her. I know you still loved me when you dated her, but I was too stupid to open my eyes to you. In the end, I mourned the loss of you, like I mourned the dead. You wanted to get married, and you wanted a family, but I see now, that you didn't want those things with me. Love, sometimes, is way too strong and otherworldly, for people to hold on to. To keep for themselves. And now you have a child. Well, at least just one. I don't know. The last time I ever spoke to you was to let you know that a friend of ours had died in a horrible boating accident... and then to tell you where to leave comments for her on a website her family had set up, in her honor, and then you telling me to take a look at the pictures of your baby girl, when you got them up. and I did, and I told you congrats...(and you never spoke to me again) and I cried. I cried so hard, everyone thought someone else had died. Someone did: me. I've been long dead inside since you left me. I feel empty and incomplete... When I found you, I found my soul's twin. I try to forget you, but I can't. I can't forget the memories that we made, the love we had. Nothing will ever be the same. I know that. Not with me, not with you. There is no us, and there never will be again. As much as it still hurts without you, you seem happy, and that's all I ask for. I truly believe that we are in people's lives for as long as they need us. And when they don't, its time to move on. I will always be here for you, even if you never need me. I do love you, but I know that you will never feel the same for me. You loved me once, and for that, I am so grateful for. I was happy to know you, and I'm happy to be able to remember you. I don't think about you all that often, but I do from time to time, and I just want to scream. How dare you enter my head, when I try so hard not to think of you, to leave you alone, because that's clearly what you want. I don't want to bother you, and I'm sorry if I ever have. Yes I'm angry, and yes I'm aware that maybe some of the facts are a little off, hell, its 2 years shy of a decade, that all that started. You told me so many pretty things... Pretty words that I held on to... Was it real? Was any of it real. Did you ever feel for me, what I felt for you, or was I just an idiot. I won't get mad. I just want the damn truth... That's all....



I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did or didn't do. I'm sorry I couldn't be the girl you remember, and that girl you wish I could be.



I hope that you, and your family are happy and safe. I honestly do.



I miss you, and that's what I'm sorry for, most of all. I wish we could be friends, but I guess its been too long for that.



But I do wish one thing though, more than anything... I wish you'd answer my questions...



Why do you...... oh nevermind, what's the point. you'll probably delete this before you read it, anyways.



I'm sorry I bothered you, but I had to get this off my chest.



Here if you need me, or to hate....

Andrea



I know this doesn't say all I want it to, and its a whole lot unorganized... But I could have gone on and on... and I haven't slept yet, and I'm tired as fuck... but I can't sleep....