The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

for fuck sake
06:42 Dec 11 2013
Times Read: 427

i dont know if its because im sober, well, my type of sober, or what but some people just cant handle their drugs.



and i find them annoying. but i suppose i am just upset at being so mildly coherent myself in the vicinity of their unconscious consciousness but damn.



i needa get fucked up.

epic of nothingness:another installment
01:26 Dec 10 2013
Times Read: 449

bleeding fingers (old blog)

August 9, 2010 at 10:37pm





everytime when i taste blood and suddenly realize im biting the skin off my fingers again, i remember a story i once read about a man who ate his own hands, then threw up when he felt one of his own nails scrape against the inside of his cheek and realized what he was doing.







cant knock self canniblism

another epic of nothingness: by yours truly
01:09 Dec 10 2013
Times Read: 456




another old tid bit rant i found from years ago.



entitled: "days old rockstar realization"





hey, read this or dont. i just felt like typing it.



you see after i came home today around 6 pm, and listened to my mom bitch about my brother, then bitch about my dad, then after i ate, and did my "chores" i walked into my room. at the moment my room wasnt the cleanest. books were on the floor, clothes thrown across my unmade bed, papers on the ground, and piles of tangled wires in the corner. while i stood in my doorway, taking in what i would have to clean, my eyes fell on an energy drink next to my window unit air conditioner. not just any energy drink, but a blue canned, zero carb, Rockstar energy drink. the kind thats fluid is purple and smells and tastes so sweet youd think you could barf.



and any person addicted to energy drinks knows that the longer they stay out and open, the sweeter they get.



when i saw that drink my senses spiraled. i WANTED an energy drink. but not any energy drink, but THAT energy drink. i picked it up, smelled it and cringed. but i still WANTED it. and while i was chugging down that old, warm, insanely sweet drink, i just had to stop and laugh. why? well, while i was drinking it, a single thought passed through my head. what was it?







"This isnt weird at all."

you know...
01:00 Dec 10 2013
Times Read: 460

you know, i dug up some old tid bits of rants i wrote back in the day and i dont know if its cuz im not sober ir what, but they keep sounding better and better...in that, not really talking about anything but making it interesting kinda way. well, heres one, with all those charming spelling mistakes included. take it or leave it:





Saturday, January 03, 2009 3:14 am



crusty old lint pills







its past 2 in the morning and i have a headache. so what do i do?



i raid the upstairs cabinets and various other places. not daring to sneak past my drunken father on the couch and try not to wake my mom up to get some knock off brand tylonol.



i spotted an emergency kit and rip though it, hoping to find a small two pill pack of asprin. nothing.



i find various other medicenes for runny noses, infections, breathing, peeing, shitting, and every other bowel movement known to man.



finally i check my shelves. and of course i straightaway find two knock off tylonols. yummy.



but upon further inspection i see one has some black crap on it and the other is covered in lint. im guessing they were my pocket stash from god knows when.



but i decide to take them.



i grab the closets drink i can find and it happens to be a cup on that same shelf filled with some unknown liquid. but since it was in my room i deem it safe to drink.



so i down the tylonol then follow with a gulp of the unknown liquid.



i still do not know what the hell it was i drank.



and after nearly gagging here i am.



just decided to write this.

i dont know any more
21:58 Dec 09 2013
Times Read: 470

I dont know what to say any more. I used to be able to easily define myself through one emotion. It used to be pure, beautiful, anger that sustained me...helped me keep going, allowed me to rant and release pent up feelings that were slowly gnawing at my insides, but that just isnt the case anymore.



My anger slowly started to morph into something else, beyond my comprehension. I'd be angry one moment, then in a ball crying hysterically the next. little things set me off which i still dont understand. A bloody scene on tv would have me laughing one moment then crying the next. I developed a bad case of insomnia. staying up till dawn, sleeping till sunset, lost in the dark and early daybreak. I started taking pills to even out my sleep schedule. or drinking/smoking till i passed out.



From anger it turned to apathy. And i just no longer cared. i believe this was the "happiest" time in my life. My family had no effect on me, i no longer cried, it was bliss. First experimentation with drugs, I realized i could feel numb whenever i wanted, instead of just feeling anger. No matter what they did, or said, it couldnt affect me. it would go right through me, not leaving a mark. and it was amazing.



but now i just dont know whats what anymore. I wouldnt call what i feel apathy, just a dull sense of responsibility to go through the motions of life. high school, college, parties, friends, slowly working toward something that isn't there. a happieness that i just cant see being there. I socialize, meet new people, go through the motions, but i dont have anything to fuel these actions anymore. no anger to fall back on, no apathy to just not care, im just blank.



sometimes i sleep for days on end, not finding a good enough reason to get up. when i am conscious i try to dose myself with whatever is at hand, so i at least feel the effects of substances instead of nothing.





and so i find myself back at this site. it helped me in the past, maybe it will help me again. ive lost my drive to draw, my doodles of dead trees and demons hang lifeless on my wall. dead eyes reflecting a dead passion.



but my interest in writing has been sparked again. im trying to ease myself back into poetry. we'll see how it goes.



satan only knows.