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God....how I miss it. I want to tear through these walls. Feel them bend from the force of my sheer will. Discover the loamy soil that lurks right beneath these boards. To feel the soft damp earth beneath my feet. There is grass here...a park not to far from me either. But it's not the same. I can still smell the taint of the thick air. The constant bletch of black smoke from steel mills. Living so close to Chicago I suppose this is what country life is to those inhabit the north west side of my country.



But this dosen't quell the yerning in my heart.



The small park is only open from two to four...a ridiculous rule for this place is overrun by small children. Few times I make my way there and it is over run. The grass and equipment let go for no one seems to use it anymore. It's nice for the solitude. The trees cover the line of houses so none can see me dwelling in this place. There is a wide muddy river. A looming bridge up high where a train rattles over the tracks. It's marked by lude graffiti. Old words faded beneath the new. Old marks of gangs long since dead...at least in my neck of the town.



The broken swing set and netless basket makes it seems sad. They have these big concret tables that are covered by tall grasses. You can only sit on the tops. It's not very large but it soothes me. Brings me closer to the earth where I feel at home.



I have a wild heart. I was raised all over the south. My play mates the trees that I would run through; chased by my imaginary demons. It is that time. Those simple antics I miss. Here....I have friends of flesh and blood. I love them dearly. A loving boyfriend who loves the tall sway of glass plated buildings. His heart as wild as mine...but the city is his playground.



I wouldn't trade a thing in place of my little brood of companions but there is a limit. A seperate heart that I cannot share. For it is a bond between the earth and I. The secret self that can only break free while running wild. Feeling the earth sink beneath my bare feet....cooling off in a clear creek and watching the tadpoles go through their stages of life.



I am bound by flesh and blood but it is there among the silent trees that I feel as if I am more. I don't expect many to understand. I don't comprehend fully myself. So I wait....and wait...soon I will save up some money and go to visit my beloved wild country.

Where is my star smattered sky? Those gentle hills that bloomed with the sweet scent of summer flowers. I miss the soothing sound of crickets while the sun would sink low beneath those crests. Wild rivers cut the land and the roads moved with the flow of the earth.



Here.....There are flat lands of sun baked earth. Leafy stalks of endless corn. Straight uncurving roads surrounded by cold steel and brick buildings. At night...there are maybe about a handful of stars that burn brighter than the constant day glow but each day you can see them slowly dissapearing as more lights are added to the roads. There are no gentle chirping as twilight soaks the earth but the roar of passing cars coming and going.



Two worlds...so different.

The best thing in the world happened to me today and it came in this message:



"Hello, just stopping by.

So, I'm a easy going guy. I've went over this a lot but I can't find just

the right thing to say so I'm just going to go with whatever I come up

with now. You, Amanda M----, are being a total bitch.



Wait wait, let me back track a bit I guess I should explain myself

.

Excuse my bullet point thinking pattern.

See this started a while ago when I found out you didn’t like Proxy

anymore for [Insert reason here] Alright fine, you don't like Proxy. I

tried to help with that when I found out. When I went to Proxy about

it she was surprised I knew. It's not like she talked about it, I had only

found out from a post Justine made to you about a party or

something around the holidays. So I wanted the full story from both

sides. I really didn't think there was a GOOD reason you two weren't

friends anymore. But you kind of ignored me completely. That was odd

of the once quite level headed Amanda, but fine. Ok you blew me off,

rude, but it happened.



Skip ahead a bit and the relay's coming up. I send out an invite, you

send back 'maybe' otherwise known as 'polite no' Ok fine, you don't

want to show up because of Proxy. I guess that's ok though still

pretty sad. I'll just let this go and never get into it again.



Then you comment on something concerning showing up to the relay.

Something along the lines of "I don't know what my schedule is going

to be, so I might not be there"



First off, that was a horrible lie. We ALL knew it was because of

Proxy. Learn to just say things, you have a real problem with

ignoring matters or dancing around subjects. Not an admirable trait

when you can't face life problems.

Secondly, our team is not a part of a business, or a club. We're a

group of friends, that's what holds us together. The relay for us is

just as big a meeting of friends as it is a charity. Saying that you

might have to work and won't show up is like saying 'I prefer making

sandwiches to hanging out with you' That's awful.



But hey, I was going to let all of this go. I'm a very easy going person,

this was all going to be in the past. But then during the relay I get this

text from Proxy, apparently you texted her some very nasty

things. You told her she was a bad friend, that the real reason you

didn't show was because of her, and you wanted her to stop

misinforming our mutual friends. This is when you crossed a line.



You see, NO ONE but NO ONE disrespects one of my friends like that,

ESPECIALLY at an event I worked on and planned for them. That

insults me just as much as them.



Proxy is one of the greatest friends I've ever had, and I don't see

how she could be labeled as a bad one. Sure she could of made a

mistake, maybe even a big one. But we all do, our emotions can get

the better of us sometimes. At least she tried to fix it.



I don't know what the hell she was misinforming us about, she never

talked about you unless you were brought up, at least around me or

on the Internet.. And even so, should I assume she lied about

everything, she said a whole lot more than what you told me, what

the hell are you afraid of?



Now this little 'attack', shall we say, on one of my friends during my

event made me pretty mad. I've been mad for a while now, and have

went through quite a lot of responses in my head. First I was just

going to all caps yell, but that's dumb, too ineffective, and

forgettable. Then I was going to pretend that I too hated Proxy so

you might actually talk to me and I could gain your trust and betray

you some way or another. I wanted to do something that made you

realize how you've been. Make a hypocrite out of you or something.

Outing your second Facebook even came to mind at one point, but that

may be a little too much. Yeah I'm quite pissed, but that's a major life

changing blow. I could mention that I thought that, just so you'd know.



Half your mind knowing I wouldn't actually do anything, but the other

half not too sure. Oh wait I just did that. I don't know, the point is, you took a stupid bit of drama and took it too far. I really really think

it was a bitchy move that should of never of came from you, so I

wrote this book of a message to make you feel bad, or insulted. I wanted to make you feel something. Did it work? Wait, haha like I'll

know. You probably won't message me back. Or is it now that I'm mad

you'll actually talk? Is that the secret? Do I have to fight to have a

conversation with you about more serious issues? I guess I'll find out.





Yep, that's it. I won't unfriend you or anything, you just really pissed

me off and had this coming. Talk to you later."







The only thing I changed in that message was my name and taking out her last name.

This girl was once my closest best friend for so many years....then she got her girlfriend and pretty much abandoned all of us. Heated words were exchanged and with the hatred of her girlfriend I was pretty much tossed into a garbage can like day old trash.



This man was once upon a time my cousin and still an amazing friend to this day.



I smiled so much and even teared up a little.



hehe

Its seven thirty one....you know what that means?



I am an hour and thirtyone mintues late for relay for life.....



-sigh-



Im supposed to be there...helping...but no im here because my boyfriends moronic mother (who knew he was going to need the car today at six) took off and no one can freaking find her....



WTH....



I...just....I need to be there doing my part. Thats where I am supposed to be.

"Do you know what it's like...

To lose your best friend, the girl who promised she

would always be there by your side?

It's torture, watching her with that new best friend of hers, having the time of their lives.

you think "That used to be me, why isn't it still me? I

want that to be me.... NOT HER ."

She's obviously done with you, and all you can do is sit

there crying, trying to think of

ways to get her back, but let me tell you something...

It's not worth it.

As time goes on, you watch her change from the girl you

knew to some complete

stranger. it makes you realize something; that best

friend you want back?

She no longer exists"



To flippen true

To let my energy flow freely....is a whole hell of a lot harder than it should be.



I am so used to supressing myself that letting go is hard. The more I let go the more I know im going to see things again and that kind of scares me a little.



Not to mention feeling as if the world around me is constantly moving.



Bleh.....



Heres to letting go!

My kitten demands attention and when that happens....he will not allow you to ignore him.



From being in your face to mewing at you. Even has tried chewing on whatever has my attention.



Its cute.....



We usually end up in staring contests....I usually loose but today.



I won.



^-^



Was it because of my awesome ability to keep my eyes open for lengthy amounts of time? Or the fact my phone buzzed and he became distracted?



Either way....I am victorious!



v(^-^)

COMMENTS

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Isis101
06:38 Jun 12 2011

...another reason why I love cats - lol!

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POST COMMENT

We all grieve in different ways.....



Mum and I....we sit in bed with our jammies. Eating icecream while drinking wine. Watching Dexter.



=3

Everyone...Just. Stop.



I mean really?

REALLY?!

One moment everything is perfectly happy then the next your on your ass. Butt hurt over who knows what.



I don't think half of you THINK..ever! Calm the fuck down. Step back and shut up.



I am not your therapist.....stop treating me like one. If I dont respond its prolly because I am busy or attempting to take a break from you and your needy attitude. Not because im mad.



I dont have all the answers....im nineteen. Compassion. Yeah I got it...but when there is six others like you all poking at me having your breakdowns all at once. I cant do it!!!



I really cant.....I am one person whose stress is sky rocketing. My hair is falling out. I am loseing sleep. Im breaking out (which is odd because i usually have a clear complexion) I have gained weight because I stress eat. I really...really cant deal with all of you. I cant.



My head is going to explode......



Stop....please stop.



Thats all I ask...can you give me that?

Mornings should be woken up to slowly......you know where you roll around a bit and enjoy the softness of the blanket and pilllows.



Not to jolted awake by a peal of home rattleing thunder (not that I truly minded a storm)

In the midst of watching a recorded show and wondering if it'd be worth it to attempt to get a few more hours of sleep...my bedroom door begins to rattle.



Now I live with my mother. She works everyday from four am to noon. It is officially six am.....I am the only one home. My cat is curled up next to me and I am praying to the Goddess thats its a animal. Then the door swings open and since its dark in my room all I see is this looming figure......I thought my heart was about to burst...until it said hello.



Turns out mom decided to leave work early.........woo



=p

Ever have a random surge of energy?



I'm living that right now....I did attempt to twirl around the livingroom but that was quickly squashed when a ball of kitty fluff moved and my brain assumed it was a spider.



Needless to say I am glad it was nothing but a fluff ball....but im done twirling for now.



But that does remind me.....

Jacob (he is featured in here quite a lot isnt he?) is this all powerful man. Who is oddly flexible, stealthy and strong. He isn't afraid of death or the dark. Falling or armed people (he kinda cant be afraid since he will be going for a job in the FBI)



We have a joke about him:



One day he shall become all powerful. The master of all that is....and he shall be defeated....by a tiny bug.



:3



Never seen someone panic more than me by an itty bitty tick XD

Grrrr.....



So two days ago I decided to walk to Jacob's house. Not that big of a deal. He lives quite literally down this one long road. I've walked to and from many a time over the years. Well.....this time I had forgotten to use sunblock and due to the extream heat I figured I would leave behind my hoodie (for those who dont know me...I ALWAYS wear my hoodie) well....what was a twenty minute walk turned into horrible walking adventure.



I am one who hates the sun....even on a cloudy day I cannot look up at the sky without searing pain and then there is the fact that I am a pasty kid...pasty for a reason. I don't tan. Never have....I burn. Now bits of my flesh is a nice red from a burn and of course.....my freckles are starting to appear across my nose =p



I also in attempt to cross the train tracks before the train got any closer...fell on said train tracks...now...my right leg has three nice purple bruises.

Now what started this ramble was I attempted to put lotion on my poor flesh......I didnt notice....it was scented. Now I am red and itchy...



=(



Tomorrow will be a better day...well as good as a wake can be.

Apples....



....Are fantastic!



I dont know what it is but I go through periods of craving nothing but fruit. Oranges...mangos...apples...melons.....all sorts of fruit but thats how its always been. Other people crave chocolate or whatever. I am a fruit person. I swear I could most likely live most of my life off a diet of fruit.



^-^



Well....my head is still pounding.

It will be until everything calms back down.



My anger has subsided...some.

I still bristle when I think about it. Family is family....doesnt matter about the little fights we have over the years. Blood binds us all. When you enter a marriage you become part of that bond....you shouldnt mess with the family.



Just doesnt sit well with me.



But then again....thats just how I think.



I wish I could go back to Jacobs. I have spent the last couple of days at his house since he didn't have work. It was nice. We woke up early the first night and talked for an hour while laying in his bed. Then I made french toast for everyone. It was a great morning that only became better as time passed on.



We watched movies and played games. Laughing until four am. Then crashed hardcore until the storm woke us back up.



He has work the rest of this week. Plus I know the wake is tomorrow and the funeral is the day after (that is if we are still invited) I knew mother would need me. So I am home. The headache is back. She looks so...gruff. I feel guilty for leaving for those two days. I can tell she hasent slept well at all.



-sigh-



Im just waiting for the bomb to explode.....all I can do is sit and count the seconds as they pass me by.

So I have returned...to bitch and whine and moan. Because I cant do it outloud so...I get to do it here.



Stupid old grudges should die when YEARS of time have already passed. Even moreso when the death of a family member is involved.



You sowed seeds of hatred into your own kids heads. Pitted them against their own grandparents because of a stupid jealousy when they wanted to come and see her. Yeah...guess what...thats what happens when you keep dumping them to go out and party. And when they happen to move away you see it as a perfect time to hammer in a falsified fact.



You truely are low of the low.



Now your son lies dead and you couldnt even push aside your unjustified anger towards two elderly people to even let them attend the funeral. You exclude them from their first grandson's obitiuary!



This is petty...your jealousy is petty. Your daughters have grown into your spitting image. Shunning their own family because you twisted them that way.



-sigh-



This is a time for mourning.



There is a thirteen year old boy who is grieving for his dead father.



And what you do is wedge yourself further between your husband and his mother.



Well you got your wish bitch...she's disowned him.







You want to start a war?

Fine...go ahead.

You won't win....

Because no one will win.

Eventually you will all fall into your bitter deaths.

Stupidity runs deep........



There will be much ranting and raving about this later; trust me.

She finally fell asleep. Yet, its not peaceful at all. I can hear her tossing and turning.



She has been blaming herself. Saying that she didn't pray or often enough for Derik.



How do I comfort that?



Its not her fault...there is nothing she or her god could do.



I....dont know if im sad or pissed.



My mother was close to this man. He was her first nephew. She had a close connection to him as a child since her brother and his wife were too young to comprehend the fact they were parents....so she helped raise him. She loved him soooo much.



She also is hit on how close his situation was to her own.



My cousin died after a night of hard partying. Drinking and all that jazz. It wasnt uncommon. Apparently he was in and out of the hospital from ODing on various drugs....yet no one stopped to help him..... I think she is awe struck on how she could of ended up. How she could of been the one to be found dead from suffocating on her own vomit. Or ODing.



My cousin left not only us but his song behind. Alex...age thirteen. Whose birthday falls upon the same day as his dads.....



I just....I guess im pissed.



Pissed at mom for putting all her faith in God.



Pissed at my family...for not reaching out to him.



Pissed at Derrik for leaving behind everyone.



Just as mom realizes she could of been him. I also see I easily could of been Alex.



How selfish it all seems.....I want to help him so much. I may not of lost a parent but I did lose my childhood. We may have just met today. But we are cousins......we are family.



I just wish I knew what to do......

My body is all clammy....my insides feel as if they are on fire. My head is on the verge of exploding.



This is a typical system purge for me. I am....sensitive to emotions and the more I know and closer the bond I have the stronger I can feel their pain.



This has happened a handful of times before. An overload....or well overdose of emotion and pain from others all crammed into my head. It usually makes me physically ill when I am around it too much. It's almost like my body is attempting to proccess it all but jams.



I need a distraction.



I need distance.



I need......to be there for them.

Today started like normal....too hot and too boreing.



Then news came of Dereks passing. Me...being me...asked who this person was. I knew it had to be family...or else mother wouldnt be crying as hard as she was when she came home. Apparently he was my uncle's son.



I never knew my uncle too well. Mother wouldnt allow me near him for feat he'd do to me what he did to her.

She didn't forgive him until he was in the hospital clinging to life after being pinned by a steel beam. Even then I was grown (This being only a year or two ago) so there was really no time spent together. I knew he had kids...I knew one of the twin girls because she came and lived with my grandparents when I lived there as well.



We went over to their house to comfort them...which was awkward since my uncles wife hates us all.....I dont know why but she does. Apparently Darrek had a son. This boy named Alex...only thirteen. He didnt talk much...not that I blame him...poor kid.



Derrek died from suffocating on his own vomit....he was drunk....and strung out on drugs......



I never knew him and now I never will...



I wonder when the funeral will be....



I think I will make it a point to talk to Alex..after all we are cousins.



Mother doesn't want to be alone. So I am sitting with her in her bed as she watches t.v. He was her first nephew. She watched him grow for the longest time....-sigh-

I've been getting comments reguarding my profile picture...apparently it seems sad. I look at it and I dont really see it. Thats my normal expression.



....



Who knows....maybe the world is catching up to me because suddenly I am starting to feel very old. It wouldn't be the first time....and surely it wont be the last.



Suppose you can only run so far and so fast until your forced to face the shit storm brewing behind you.....

Hire me...hire me....hire me.....hire me...hire me...

For the love of all that is all both holy and unholy PLEASE hire me.



....



First real job interview today. It seemed to go well...at least I think/hope so.



I do hope my luck has turned around a bit...after all Jacib did finally get a job and his luck is pretty similar to mine. =p





Job....job....give me a job......

Attempted to be a cam host on here for the first time...

It was awkward but I muddled through it. Dunno really the point since the sound was off so its like a meeting pool of people who have to stare at my face....



>_>;;



But couple of my friends stopped by and helped me relax. So that was good. Oh! And I met some new people who where really nice as well.



Hehe.



Overall not a bad experience.



Might have to go out and get myself a computer and cam of my own. lol

So I was in game the other night and my character had to put on a disguise to get into this secret society being that the game is set in the 1920's...now that has sparked an idea....



Can Ms. Proxy pull off looking like a man?



I have had this thought many a time in my years and each time I have been told no....my voice is to high and girly and I am over all.....very girly.



But I wonder.....with the right amount of force to squish my breasts and flatten these hips. Of course not speaking.....if I could get away with being a man....



Hmmm.......



This requires pondering and materials.....



hehe



:3