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I don't get it. My mood just crashed. I went from happy to completely depressed. I hate feeling like this...



Then again, not much I can do about it, so I guess I'll just have to wait it off...



Lonliness sucks...

So I don't think I'll be going to class today... It's too hot and I think I might be sick, what with the runny nose and sluggishness.



Ugh... *sniff* I hate being sick...

I was looking around the Internet last night, and I saw one of those motivational posters. It said:

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

Sure there are plenty of other fish in the ocean. But you're nowhere near the ocean. You're in the desert. Alone.





Needless to say, that made me pretty depressed.



Then this morning I listened to "I Get by With a Little Help From My Friends" by The Beatles. That made me feel a little better.

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immortalxkiss
00:44 Apr 27 2008

Haha, you're in the desert. All alone. Yay!

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Menagerie
18:32 Apr 27 2008

hm... well if your in the desert you should probably look for lizards instead of fish. those buggers are always hiding somewhere.





its funny songs like that usually make me feel worse because i start looking around and wondering where my friends are when i really need them.

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Hm. So it seems that Masque had to shut down... This saddens me greatly, as if my mood wasn't already bad enough.



Masque was my first coven, and I had a great time there. I'm just so very saddened that it all had to end so soon...



On to other things... Yeah. Depression again. Could be that I haven't taken my "happy pills", could be something else entirely. Could be both. I'm thinking both. I don't really feel like saying to the whole rave what reason number two is (even though only two people watch my crappy journal) but if someone wants to message or IM me about it, then they can.



So... yeah. Have a nice day, I guess.

Ah, I woke up this morning feeling great. I'm so very content and happy with my life. I'm happy with the way things are going.



I'm comfortable with the way I look, in fact I love the way I look. I love my eyes, my hair, my big nose, and my tiny almost absent ass. I love my mind, and I love thinking the way I do.



I love my family and I love my friends. I love the way things are going.



While in the shower I realized I was Zen, but then again, once you know you're Zen, you lose it, don't you? Well, I'll get it again some time. I'll win the game.



Until next time! Have a dark and wonderful day!

So I haven't been on much lately. Blame school and such, I've been quite busy.



I've had to finish up my Algebra homework, as the due date for it is drawing closer and closer. I've had to write up a summary for a Biology field trip, as well as working on my insect collection. I've also had to do some extra credit for my Anthropology class.

There's also two exams this week.



Oh, and I'll be going to the Renfaire this weekend with some friends. That should be a nice reprieve.



By the way, there's someone here I've been meaning to talk to. I haven't talked to him in quite awhile, and I've been worrying about him. He knows who he is.

No no no no. Stop it. Just stop it. I shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't feel this way. My life is going well, why the fuck am I so depressed? Why do I wake up every morning and sigh? Why do I wake up and try to determine what's reason enough to get out of bed? Why do I constantly think of hurting myself, even when there is no good goddamn reason to? What the fuck is wrong with me?

And you're not helping either. You're making matters worse. You may say you're trying to help me, that you want the best for us, but in the short time you've been trying to "help" me, you've only made things worse. You've made me tear at my skin in frustration as your words echo throughout my skull, you've made me scream when no one was around because I just can't get those words out of my head. Leave me the hell alone, I don't want your fucking help.



Why the hell do I feel so distant? So distant from everyone? I know I'm pushing them away, yet... I just can't. They wouldn't understand. Some say they might, but no, they wouldn't. And I know it's very pig-headed and selfish of me to say this, but they could never really know what I go through... even though a few probably would have some good idea... namely three friends...

But that's not the point. I want to feel close to someone, to my friends and family in general, yet I only give them as little information on my condition as possible.



Why do I do this to myself? Why do I constantly hurt myself, even when I don't want to? How do I seem to hurt everyone, intentionally and unintentionally? Then again, maybe he's right... maybe my only purpose is to cause pain and to live for myself...



*sigh* Where are you, Goatherder? I need guidance...

I'd be lying if I said my demeanor hasn't improved... but do I feel good? Not really.



There are so many thoughts swimming around in my head, so many things I'm considering and just thinking about... And I must say that my sanity is still slowly slipping away...



But... there are two people that are helping prolong it, and for that I thank them. They know who they are.



But nevertheless, I have a ways to go... ugh...

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NITEOWL47
09:07 Apr 09 2008

Even a 1000 mile journey begins with a single step, brother.



You may have a ways to go, but stay strong.

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People just make me sick. All people, including myself. People keep doing all this shit, and even though it's over, I still remenisce(sic) over it.It just pisses me off and makes me sick.



Oh, and the depression. Yeah, I'm depressed. Who ever would've fucking guessed? I'm like never depressed. Right? RIGHT?



I just fucking hate feeling like this. Sure, the reason is bullshit, but that makes me feel all the shittier. I've often felt like having a knife accident or playing with a revolver. Maybe if I cut off a finger or shoot myself in the foot it might distract me and maybe I could get some sympathy. But then again, that would selfish and childish, right? And we can't have that. No, we can't have that at all.



So yeah. There. I fucking said it. Don't like my rant journal? Then go fuck yourself with a loaded shotgun and pull the fucking trigger.

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immortalxkiss
06:09 Apr 07 2008

Um.. relax?What are you so bent out of shape about anyway?

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The attacks are growing more and more frequent, and I'm finding it harder to come back. Ugh, I just wish there was some way I could get all this under control...

Whenever my life starts to look up, something happens. Something to disrupt that. Whether internal or external, it always happens.



I shouldn't let it get to me... I'll just try to get by and not let it get to me...



Just wanted to vent that is all...

OH NO NO NO. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING. THIS CANNOT BE FUCKING HAPPENING.



It's there... on Wolfhome... a fucking ad... from the Church of Scientology...



Oh dear God... This is frightening. This is really, truly frightening.



Anyone who knows me knows my stand on the Church of Scientology... but I can't say anything malicious because I do not want to be on their hit list.



I am just really fucking scared right now.

I think I'm pregnant...

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NITEOWL47
00:26 Apr 02 2008

Uh....what?

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