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I have been tolerant. I have been patient. I can only take so much.



You keep backing a wolf into a corner and assaulting it, it's only a matter of time before it bites you, and this one's had about enough.

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immortalxkiss
22:33 Feb 29 2008

I dare you, just try something. And see where it can get you.

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darkicewolf
22:38 Feb 29 2008

Man nasty fight a head, hate to be the hand thats bitten ;)

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NITEOWL47
03:09 Mar 01 2008

...Let it go. Bickering amongst ourselves gets us nothing. I don't need you two tearing each other apart.



I won't take sides either way, but this shit has to stop.

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*sigh* My brother was just brought home by the police. He was caught with some other kids, lemoning and egging houses. He said he didn't throw anything. He said he was given a lemon to throw, but never threw it. The policeman gace it to me, said it was in his pocket. Call me crazy, but I believe him. Unfortunately, he's guilty by association.



*sigh* I just... He's so distraught. He thinks it will follow him forever. The policeman said he was giving him a break, but my brother is just...



Another person I love is hurt. Great, just great...

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NITEOWL47
04:20 Feb 29 2008

Breathe, little brother. Guilt by association is bad, and they can bust him for it, but it won't stay on his permanent reccord as a first offense. Relax.

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Sometimes I just think I'm cursed. That I have the devil's luck.



I'll befriend someone, fall in love with them, or what have you... Then there's usually a few months of bliss. Such great times, such happy, carefree times... And then something happens. Everyone close to me, the people I've befriended, fallen in love with, their lives fall apart, fall into such dismay, and I cannot escape the feeling that it is my doing.



Now I know, bad things happen to people, life has it's ups and downs, but the pattern seems so consistant. I befriend someone, and their life falls apart.



Sometimes I think I'm cursed... Cursed to watch those I care about, those I love, cursed to watch them suffer. Cursed to watch them weep as loved ones around them die, cursed to watch them be in such pain, and yet, in perspective to them, I am spared.



Only little things befall me, yet all those I love...



I just...



.

..

...

A lot sure has happened in a short period. I won't go into it, though.



But I've been thinking. Thinking about a lot. Trying to figure things out.



I have a plan on what I should do, some things I need to work on. But, I'm not gonna talk about them unless spoken to.

Things have gotten bad lately. Not just with me, with those I love and care about. Their lives have been so strenuous lately. All of our lives have.



I think it's time we all got together and talked. Talked about what's been bothering us to some degree, talk about what faults we see in eachother, specifically, civilly, and supportively. We need to all talk. And not separately, no. All of us. Those who I'm talking about know who they are.



We've all just fallen apart, fallen away from eachother. And I want us to be friends again. I want us to be there for eachother like we were in the beginning. I want us to be open with eachother, clear with eachother, and civil so that there are no confused messages.



I hope you'll take my words to heart, those who am I speaking to. I care about you. And it hurts me to see you so unhappy.

Life's getting better. In perspective, anyway.



I'm finally realizing things in my life, and I'm listening to someone who's always been there and has always been right. So, I thank him.



It feels good to know what I have to do, what will be done, and what I am. My vision is finally clear.

You still beat yourself up for something that happened over a month ago... You keep thinking about it, about that person. Even after all that's happened, what you've done to that person, what they've done to you, you still love them. I don't get it. You shouldn't love them anymore, you shouldn't care about them anymore, yet you do... You still can't let it go, you still want things to be the way they used to, you still want to be together again with that person...



I just don't get it...

I'm getting really sick and tired of seeing so many damn scene kids on this site; they all have the same fucking things on their profiles.



"So if you can't deal with me, fuck you" "No one can understand me" And yeah. All the damn girls? All around 15 years old and claiming to be bi-sexual.



Now, listen, I have absolutely nothing against bi-sexuals, but these goddamn scene girls are all giving bi-sexuality a bad name. Now listen, girls. You claim to be bi-sexual? Have you been with both sexes? Both a guy and a girl, been physically intimate with them, and enjoyed the physical experience with both of them? No? Well then you're not a fucking bi-sexual. I don't give a damn if you think some guys and some girls are hot. Just because you jack off to pics of naked men and women doesn't make you bi-sexual, by my standards anyway. It's called bi-sexual for a reason. How the hell would you know if you enjoyed sex with someone of the same sex and opposite sex IF YOU'VE NEVER EVEN FUCKING DONE IT?? You can't be fucking bi-sexual if you've never had sex with anyone, okay? I don't care if you find girls attractive. I find some guys attractive, does that make me bi? Uh, no. I've only been with women, not men. So I'm not bi-sexual.



Goddamn scene kids. Have to ruin every fucking thing on the whole goddamn planet.



And by the way. This is my damn journal, so I can say what I believe and give my opinion. You want to whine and bitch and moan because you don't agree with me? I don't care. It's only an opinion. So if you can't get over it, maybe you should get a glass stomach so you can see, BECAUSE YOUR HEAD IS SO GODDAMN FAR UP YOUR ASS.



THANK YOU! GOODNIGHT!

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immortalxkiss
03:37 Feb 22 2008

Amen.

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I don't know if I should listen to him, but...



He's been right about everything. About all three of my ex-girlfriends, about... well, everything.



He's been so sincere, so kind. He's always there, and he's making so much sense...

I was just thinking about things. Family, school, friends, death, the night, wolves... but mostly about friends. One friend in particular.



The man of whom I'm referring to I've known for maybe only 6 or so months, and already the two of us are as close as brothers. Maybe even closer.



He's always been there when I've needed him, he's always been there to clam me down when I'm angry or sad, or in any negative emotional extreme, really. He is quite literally like my Govinda.



For those of you do not know, Siddartha Buddha, while he was still learning and traveling, traveled with a friend. His friend's name was Govinda. Siddartha would often look at all the suffering of others, wondering why it was happening to them. He became so very frustrated with it on numerous occassions, but Govinda was there, and whenever Siddartha was upset, Govinda would merely say, "Siddartha. Be at peace."



So he quite literally is like my Govinda.



We've certainly been through a lot together. A lot of trials and a lot of happy times. I've always been there when he's needed me, though usually I have to give him a little nudge, heh. But I've always been there for him, and I always will be. I'll always be willing to help him with whatever he needs.



I know he has his faults, but I love the man nonetheless. He is so much like a big brother to me, the big brother I never had.



And although, unfortunately, I've never met him physically, or even seen his face, I feel like I've known him my whole life.



So thank you, brother. Thank you for always being there. You know who you are. I love you, brother. You are my best friend.... and goddamn, that sounds corny... but it's true.

Wow. Outside, it looks like there's a lunar eclipse going on. That's strange, though, I didn't know there was supposed to be one tonight.



It sort of makes me feel... sort of eerie...

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ladyakkera
03:14 Feb 21 2008

Yep there was supposed to be on tonight. I want to go look at it but Im probably not going to xD

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So, I've been thinking. There's this guy I know, who has forgotten to look at himself, and see that he's making mistakes, screwing things up.



He's been deluding himself into thinking everything is everyone else's fault. He's not seeing his own faults. In fact, in a way, he thinks he has very few faults.



But that person needs to wake up. He needs to stop thinking everything bad that happens to him isn't his fault, because a lot of times, it is his fault.



The person who this journal is directed to, the one who needs to change...



Yes.



Me.



http://youtube.com/watch?v=qiSCQgGltCI

(Video isn't much of a video, just the album cover and the song. But it's the song that's important.)



Beauty over wisdom to fit in with this time

Your Cinderella stories, full of price

Vanities of business built to please the unique

Silicon and stars collide; the rest will fall at night



Chorus:

Just as beautiful as you are

Its so pitiful what you are

You should have seen this coming all along



Visioning are stimulating to my eyes

Your Cinderella syndrome, full of lies

Your insecurities are concealed by your pride

Pretty soon your ego will kill what's left inside



(Chorus)



(Beautiful)

It's so pitiful what you are (Pitiful)

As beautiful as you are

(Should have seen)

You should have seen this coming all along



You're everything that's so typical

Maybe you're alone, for a reason

You're the reason



So pitiful what you are

Should have seen this coming all along

(Beautiful)

Just as beautiful as you are

(Pitiful)

So pitiful what you are

(Should have seen)

Should have seen this coming all along

(Beautiful)

Its so pitiful what you are

(Pitiful)

As beautiful as you are

(Should have seen)

Should have seen this coming all along



Song: Beautiful

Artist: 10 Years

Album: Division

Sometimes retreat is the best strategy.

Okay, something's wrong with my dad.



He has this really bad, hacking cough, and right now when he tried to walk to dinner, he barely could. Kat thinks he might have bronchitus, but he won't see a doctor and keeps going to work, even though he's sick. And he works as a groundman for Edison, meaning he's got an outdoor job where he's supposed to be active and do a lot of physical work.



I'm worried about him...

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queenmorbid
04:56 Feb 20 2008

It sounds like Bronchitis, and it is nasty. Both me and my 8 year old daughter has it, I would make him go to the Dr.

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So life is sort of shit right now. Not exactly shit, but not not shit.... 0.o



Uh, anyways, I dropped my English 1 class. Yeah, I know. I really didn't want to drop it, but I was doing horrible, and we had an essay to turn in Wednesday, and I didn't start it 'til Monday, and the prof. says that if you don't turn in one assignment, he fails you. So yeah, hopefully I can take the class next semester. And please, do not jump on me for this, okay? I know what I did was stupid, foolish, lazy, and all that. I know I did wrong, I know I messed up, and I feel bad enough without people giving me a lecture. So, thanks.



Oh, and after the field trip on Saturday, I'll be hanging out with my friend Rose. We haven't seen each other in a long, long time, so it should be nice to see her again. Well, I'm hoping to, if all goes as planned.



So have a nice day, people. Don't let despair get you down.

In order to see the world in a brighter view, we must LOL into the banana phone.



Words to live by.



And don't forget to DO A BARREL ROLL.

I won't be leaving VR.



It was merely a desperate solution for a desperate man. It wouldn'tve worked.



But thank you those who helped me. I am indebted to you.

I just can barely sit by the computer anymore. I just...



Maybe I should just leave VR. Leave a lot of my personal sites. Maybe then some problems would go away...

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HellaciousRose
01:02 Feb 18 2008

Running from problems, doesnt make them go away honey.

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immortalxkiss
02:37 Feb 18 2008

Exactly. Leaving because of me isn't going to solve anything. You'll just end up running away from everything that troubles you.



If you want me to leave you alone, I will. I wont bother you, I wont be around to give you false hope, or hurt you anymore. But don't leave. Matthew still needs you here.

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So much shit's been dumped on me I can't even pour all my feelings into one journal. You wanna hear about it, then message me, because I'm too fucking depressed to write a journal about this shit.

Goddammit... The chorus from E Nomine's Lucifer keeps playing in my head... I mean it's a good song, but PLEASE! Get it out of my head!

Okay, now I'm just really fucking bored. I'm at my friend's house, I should be doing something more fun than just sitting at a computer.



I'm so bored it's actually annoying me, it's actually making me angry.



*sigh* I really need to fucking DO something.

It's a horrible feeling when someone doesn't trust you. It makes you feel like shit, makes you feel untrustworthy, useless.



*sigh* I just....



Just need to talk to someone. I'm just feeling so depressed...



And don't get on my ass, saying I'm being "emo" or some shit. Saying I need to suck it up, saying I need to cowboy up or some shit. I'm more or less human. I have emotions, so don't get on me about showing them.



*sigh* Just... I feel like shit. I just want to talk to someone...

At a friend's house, on a computer, with nothing to do. No one to talk to, some particular people that I would like to talk to aren't on.



So yeah. I'm really, really bored. Something interesting better come up or I'm gonna have to start something up myself.



Dunno why I write these things. Not like anyone reads them. If they do, they probably don't care much, if at all. Oh, well. It's a good way to vent.

So this journal isn't really about me, just me bitching but it's my journal so you can LOL BANNANA PHONE.



Anyways, my brother, supposedly, has a new girlfriend. The last one lied to him about many things. She lied about her virginity, she lied about being pregnant... and she's 14. Yes. Fourteen. But this isn't about her. Even though she completely tore my brother apart and I'd like to take her by the throat and slam her against a wall...



Err, anyway... He's calling his new girlfriend his "gff". Most likely an acronym for "girlfriend forever". Ah, young "love". I'm afraid he'll have to learn the hard way how much it can hurt.



Godspeed, my brother.

So it's Valentine's Day again. And once again, I'm alone. Yay.



Here's to my sadness.

My dearest friends... I care for you dearly. Please do not be afraid, trust me. I am not your enemy. I could never betray you, I could never willingly hurt you.



Please confide in me if you want to. Do not fear for me, fearing you may drag me down into some pit of despair, for I will do all that I can to lift you up, I will open your eyes and help you to see the light, I will be there when no one else is. I will always be there. Like Father Sky above, like Mother Earth below, I will always be there.



I will not falter, while the trees may sway in the wind, I shall be the mountain and will not bow to the wind no matter how much it howls, I will stay strong and always be there.



When you find yourself in a dark room, and it feels like you will never see Father Sun ever again, I shall be there, a box on your person, and all you must do is open that box and my light will illuminate your darkness. The box will never disappear, the light will never fade. You will always have this, a piece of my soul, a piece of my heart, to illuminate any darkness.



For as long as this life lasts, and in the next lives, I will always be there. As a lover or a friend, it matters not. I will be there for you regardless.



I will always be there. I will always love you.

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insanedemon
04:15 Feb 14 2008

very heartfelt

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So I got a call from Johnny just now. He's always been a good friend.



We talked for a few minutes, although those minutes were very significant.



He made me feel a lot better, gave me some really good advice. And I really appreciate it.



So... even though he probably won't read this... Thanks, Johnny. Love ya, man.



Oh, shit. Gotta do my homework.

I will be there for my friends, whenever they need me, whatever time is good for them. I do not claim to know everything, but I will always help in everyway that I can. I care about both of you, so very, very much. I will always be there for you.



I love you.

There's someone I really care about, someone I'm worrying about... and they haven't talked to me in awhile. I don't know if they're hurt, I don't know if I made them upset, I just... I can't stand not knowing. I want to hear her voice again, see her again. Even just getting an IM or a text message would suffice...



I'm just worried about her, and I just... I don't know what to do...



And two of my best friends are hurting, I can tell, and I want to be there for them, for him, and for her, but... I just feel so useless.



I want to be there for them, and I keep trying to reach them, but... they just won't talk to me...

Fuck. I'm falling back into old habits. I really need to find something to keep my mind occupied so I don't constantly bug people, wanting to talk to them.



Ugh... I'm sick and tired of it. I need to get my shit together... and find other ways to fill my time.

Haven't been on in awhile. Things have gotten... complicated... since my last visit. I'm hoping that things will work out...

So it seems someone was trying to hack into my account here. Hm. I can't imagine why anyone would want to. But well, the important thing is they didn't get through.

Life is getting so hectic for him... so I'll be taking over for awhile. Don't worry, he's still here, just taking a rest.



He needs some time to think about things. But do not worry, if you wish to speak to him, I will relay messages.

No matter what happens, I will always love that person. Though things may turn bad, and anger may take hold, I will love that person. I will always love them. I do not care what others say, I love that person. I care for them. I do not want to see them get hurt. I love them.

So it's Fat Tuesday. Or Super Tuesday. Or Mardi Gras. Or whatever.



Anyways, tomorrow is a flex day, so I won't have any classes. It'll hardly be a holiday, though, as I have a lot of work to do. I dunno, maybe I'll be able to squeeze in some computer time in tomrrow.



I'm still concerned about my friends, though. A lot seems to be going on with them. I'll always be there if they need me, just a phone call or message away. But I really wish things would stabilize, that all these things that are making us suffer would just go away. Though I'll see it through to the end, through thick and thin.

And so something has come to my attention. This puts a new spin on things... hmm...



I need some time to think about things. For those people who know me best, namely two, they can contact me anytime if they wish.



But for now, I need some time to think...

When life throws me lemons, I put their juice in my tea.



Mmmm, lovely.

Why do I have to fuck up everything? Why can't I just learn to shut the fuck up?



I've hurt so many people... So many... I just...



I know it won't change anything. But I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. If I could change it I would, but I can't... and... I'm so sorry...



This song is exactly how I feel.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZXhGvcmhqaM



In my dreams I'm dying all the time

As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to lie

So this is goodbye

This is goodbye



Tell the truth you never wanted me

Tell me



In my dreams I'm jealous all the time

As I wake I'm going out of my mind

Going out of my mind

Trying to be very quiet so as not to wake sick mother sleeping behind me, will keep things short and leave out words to make quicker and bad grammar, sorry.



Imbolc is tomorrow. Will be spending day with Hellenic Reconstructionist friend, funny. Lots to do weekend, homework and English paper due Monday.



Must go. Happy Imbolc all.

So things have sort of mellowed out. I don't have that feeling anymore.



But there's still quite a few things tumbling around in my head. I have a lot to think about.



Which isn't much help because I have an essay in English due Monday.

I think someone I care about is in trouble. They didn't respond to a text message I sent them, and this strange energy is growing stronger.



I'm worried. I'm scared. I don't know what to do....